Equality

[Lucy]

I came to Desteni... it seems like an eternity ago.

But I came here with my shame, with my fear, with my insecurities, with my pain, and I shared myself. I was not accepted - not by you, Desteni, but by myself. I did not love myself. I walked as pain, I existed as fear. Not physical, just mental. (I'm not sure physical pain even exists. To me pain is resistance? I'd like perspectives on pain and whether animals and plants can feel 'physical pain', because it would effect my opinions on eating indefinitely.) I was humbled by your message. I wanted nothing more than to be loved and accepted by you. I saw myself as inferior. I've always seen myself as inferior. I've always loved the physical more than you could ever know. I've always loved nature and the animal kingdom, so much that I thought my very presence corrupted it. I grew up in the English countryside, adoring nature and animals and always searching for the truth. I've spent years crying. Crying at how humans treated the world and themselves. I cry now because I've been so scared about coming back here. I've been so worried you'd judge and reject me. All I want is to save the world. All I want is for people to love and respect life. All I want is for everyone to exist as love, real love, and stand as that for the moment of here and now - the moment of eternity. Every time I ate I hated myself. Every time I consumed I blamed myself. Every time I saw humans I hated them. I could not even look at nature or animals without feeling guilty. I was so scared by your videos - the ones that I felt spoke of the absolute truth of me, of the perceived evil I was. I remember when I ate my own heart. It was a strawberry. We always only eat ourselves, after all.

One of my earliest memories is of telling my dad not to kill a fly in our wendyhouse. He told me, 'when you're older you'll understand'. Nope, I understand less why anyone would destroy any expression. When I was 8 or 9, my teacher killed a wasp in class and I burst into tears. I went vegetarian when I was 12. The idea of killing an animal for food disgusted me. I then went vegan when I was 14. I first found Desteni when I was around 13, and studied the material extensively for a while, I'm not sure how long. I loved your message - apart from your views on eating meat. That's what initially pushed me away, and I'm sorry for that because I judged you as myself. For the last year I have flitted between veganism, vegetarianism, and being an omnivore. I made myself suffer through eating because I wanted to cleanse my views towards eating. I knew eventually the pain would stop - but until then I worked through the fear, the pain, until I found some clarity. Which only occurred about two weeks ago. I got rid of most of my baggage, all my pain, and I started to feel clearer. I'm now 19, and the luckiest girl in the world.

It's like waking up from the worst nightmare you can imagine and realising you're beautiful, perfect, and pure. That you never harmed or corrupted anything but yourself. That in reality you've always been an angel. I'm so grateful for everything I've been through because without it I would not be able to feel a fraction of the joy I will feel in the future as this moment of now. We exist in the mind as polarity, and I can tell you with certainty that my poles have been farther apart than almost everyone else's. I've always been prepared to die, always knew my life would end soon, I craved the end even. But now I realise that in the end there is the beginning, in hate there is love, in pain there is pleasure, in lies there is truth. I do not fear almost anything anymore. I do not care if you, the readers, judge me. I used to. One of my biggest fears was coming back to this forum and exposing myself. I'm over that now. If you do not accept me then you do not accept yourself, as we are always only speaking and writing to ourselves.

One fear I still have is of causing pain to others. So for the time being I have stopped consuming all products except for dietary/supplement pills and water. I do not want to harm any living being. I love all of the physical equally. I am in awe of the physical. I am in awe of myself and how far I've come. I'm in awe of what I know I'll achieve, how I will effect and even save the world with my words and my love. I am the closest thing to pure love, real love, that exists - as far as I know, anyway. Because most do not go through what I've been through. They did/do not exist in the separation I've endured. And I do not blame anyone or anything for how I've felt and feel now except for myself. I take full responsibility for who I am, what I've done, and what I've experienced. I forgive myself and all for all the pain I've felt. I now exist only as humbleness, curiosity, gratitude, love. I was so scared of Bernard Poolman. So scared of everyone at the farm. So scared that I'd always be inferior to them. But I realise now I'm not - I'm their equal, just as I am everyone's equal.

Everywhere I go I will breathe light. I will light the darkest corners of every place. I will never stop until humanity is standing one and equal to all life. I love physically, not mentally. I love with my physical heart, I cry tears of love and joy and determination. And until all animals and plants and objects and humans are liberated and stand as eternity in heaven, I will keep breathing, loving, moving. Thank you Bernard for the videos you made about me, if they were about me. You as me put me through hell so that I would find heaven, so that I would bring heaven to every soul I touch. Thank you for purifying me through suffering. Thank you for loving me enough to do this for me. Thank you everyone who has ever spoken to me or blamed me or loved me. Thank you physical for giving me life and the opportunity to experience true living - true heaven.

I am not happy right now. I am beyond that. I know that whatever I do will inevitably help to bring about heaven on earth, and for that I am so thankful, so humbled. Still existing in me is the fear that you will reject me, that you will judge me, that you will hate me, but as I type I become clearer and my fear weakens. I realise that words are only words, that our definitions of them are individual, so any words I type I am experiencing within myself in the moment I type them as the definition I've imposed upon them. I do not want Desteni or myself to see me as anything above what I am, and that is physical, and therefore one and equal with all life everywhere. 1+1=2

It is my greatest wish that I be accepted here, and my greatest fear that I will not be.

Thank you,
Lucy

Edit: I wrote this last night but was too 'emotional' to post it in fear I would want to alter it later. I feel like a puppy trying to please its owner. All I want is your acceptance, as your acceptance would mean to me the ultimate acceptance of self.

[Marlen]

Cool for sharing, Lucy

I understand the 'overwhelming' thoughts that can be experienced initially in process, however as you go applying yourself through writing Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application and develop Self-Honesty and Common Sense within participating/ reading in this forum, you'll go realizing how everything that we have believed ourselves/ talked ourselves into as a form of posiivity has also been part of the entire set of definitions that has lead us to the current world-creation wherein we believe that we have been 'angels' when in fact, the entire set-up of the world was in reality in reverse.

Therefore, I suggest to give yourself an unconditional start here, writing, applying Self Forgiveness, reading the 7 year process blogs that are certainly Very supportive in terms of seeing how to walk a point in our reality through the afore mentioned tools of Self Support.

Realize that the only way to stop participating in everything that is currently existing as relationships of harm and abuse, is to stop such harm and abuse within ourselves, and that includes our perceived 'positivity' and 'good will' which is also still an energetic experience that also requires energy to exist. Where do we get the energy to keep any positive/ negative experience? From the Earth as the food we eat and transform to keep our mind experiences alive - hence the importance of walking this process to stop participating in this system of depletion that you are currently creating an experience toward = meaning you are currently not supporting this relationship of abuse to stop.

So, take a deep breath and realize that you are here and willing yourself to support yourself and that's all that's required here, no need to be 'accepted by others' as that would imply creating a relationship 'toward being someone/ something to others' - instead realize that through you supporting you, you're standing equal to the support that we all share and walk here as the same realization that: for change in the world to exist, I must be the change - and in that we stop projecting our beliefs and ideals upon others and instead commit ourselves to live them as ourselves, and that's essentially how through reading/ hearing the Desteni material we are able to go grounding of feet for the first time in the physical.

Sunette wrote a blog yesterday with regards to Acceptance that I suggest you read: Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22


And here's also my blog that came out from reading Sunette's where I share points that can expand clarify in relation to how through positive and negative experiences we have built our 'who I am' Day 23: E-cummulation



Thanks for sharing yourself!

[Marlen]

Another point, let us know if you're cool with having your username changed to Lucy

Recommended reading: 7 Years Journey to Life

[Lucy]

Mhm, I'm fine with my name being changed

Thanks for your long reply, I learned lots about myself. I know that in order for good to exist, bad has to exist, and for love to exist, hate has to exist, but how I feel isn't mental anymore, I don't 'think'. I'm trying to cleanse my judgments towards everything and everyone so that I can stand one and equal to life. But I'm still very very early in my process so I have lots to cleanse. I reacted to some of your words with, I don't know, guilt? Because I don't want to 'harm' anything by being positive, because I know that in positive there's negative. But I'm a very gentle person, and I'd never deliberately harm anything. I realise now my mind existed in complete separation to my body - so I have a lot of shit to work through. But at the same time, I feel like I'm very advanced in my understanding, because I have absolute respect for life. My thoughts and words and actions are always being equalised, and Desteni is going to help me through so much in the future. It was just this initial push - to post here again, to get over my fear of expressing myself here. I'm confident now I can make blogs and vlogs and try to inspire everyone else. One thing I'm wondering, though - is it bad to feel happy? Should I have no emotions at all? Because all emotions are fuelling the mind?

Also, with "From the Earth as the food we eat and transform to keep our mind experiences alive - hence the importance of walking this process to stop participating in this system of depletion that you are currently creating an experience toward = meaning you are currently not supporting this relationship of abuse to stop," thanks for that. It's the thing that hit home the hardest. I don't want to abuse my body, but I also don't want to abuse the earth. I'll eat when my body tells me to, and I'll do my best to cleanse my feelings towards it.

Thanks <3

[Marlen]

Name changed, cool

One thing I'm wondering, though - is it bad to feel happy? Should I have no emotions at all? Because all emotions are fuelling the mind?

I suggest that for now you walk through your own first steps in writing, getting yourself comfortable here to start answering that question for yourself as you go. According to what we had discussed here, it's not a bad/ good point that we must continue defining, but who we are within everything that we do. This implies that it's not 'bad' to enjoy life/ expressing - it is simply to walk the relationships that we have created as an energetic experience that we 'hold on to' when we are trying to cover up fear or 'the bad' within us, this is how through writing ourselves, we can start identifying how through judging ourselves, we continue caging life -so, for now and for practical purposes it is to unconditionally express yourself without judging it. As you go you will go answering the questions that might emerge, which is just knowledge and information. You've got the will to support yourself so that's a cool point that I suggest you stick to in order to walk the process here.

And so we breathe and realize we are here, we write, we self-forgive, we share to cross-reference ourselves and ensuring we go grasping the points, and that comes along with the walking/writing.

I'll eat when my body tells me to, and I'll do my best to cleanse my feelings towards it.

Yes, cool -best to not judge food and support yourself effectively taking into consideration what each cell is actually requiring, not what our mind would believe was only 'ok' to eat.

Thanks for sharing again

[Anna]

Cool Lucy.

[Andreas Wittmann]

HI Lucy

Welcome here and thanks for sharing yourself!

[kim amourette]

Hey Lucy,

welcome to the forum.

With regards to fear of hurting animals, plants or whatever within eating - what i realized within my own process was that I was trying to 'do it right' and 'do the good thing' according to my ideas of what is 'right' and 'wrong' as things that I heard in interviews or from Bernard or the Dimensions, though what I realized was that this was just an excuse that I was creating for myself to not have to face myself.

Because the concepts of 'right' and 'wrong' and 'good' and 'bad' is knowledge and information that we actually use to cover up the reality of ourselves - which is what we uncover within applying self-forgiveness.

I was actually afraid of myself, of facing myself as who I had allowed myself to become within myself as the mind and so I tried to run and hide within 'trying to do the right thing' and 'being a good person', and not realizing that it is not about that. The process of stopping the mind is actually really simply about getting to know yourself and taking responsibility for everything that exists within you as thoughts, feelings and emotions without judging anything as 'right' or 'wrong' as 'right' and 'wrong' in itself is also just a 'mind-job'

Kim

[Bella]

hi Lucy, enjoy your process!
and thanks all for sharing here!

[Maya]

Hi Lucy and Welcome.

cool support here Marlen and Kim. thanks