Hilda's blog







User avatar
hilda rac
Posts: 158
Joined: 05 Jul 2011, 19:03

Re: Hilda's blog

Postby hilda rac » 25 Feb 2012, 05:12

Agreement with myself
Jealousy

My computer is fucked, so I can only blog these days xD



User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3724
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: Hilda's blog

Postby Anna » 25 Feb 2012, 10:31

Hi Hilda. I posted a reply on your blog. It would be cool if you can place the texts of the blogs here as well as you post them.



User avatar
hilda rac
Posts: 158
Joined: 05 Jul 2011, 19:03

Re: Hilda's blog

Postby hilda rac » 01 Mar 2012, 06:26

Since the beginning of process I've been basically ending up alone. That's what process primarily was for me - my world falling apart and me helping it along, while learning to stand up within it all. I've done all of that alone, and I've developed a certain amount of assertiveness, but I've also been deluding myself that I have changed dramatically. Yes, I have changed a lot, to the point that my family and friends have recognized big changes in me, but in the face of a self-willed equal, my experience is the same as it always was. That is to say that I still go "ROAR", whenever I encounter something that I do not like, and I want to overpower, only now I cannot blame it on my mind, nor do I want to, because mind is part of me.

Up to this point I somehow managed to get everything done the way I wanted it, and when I couldn't, I dealt with it with ease within myself, but now things are very different, because a self-willed equal can stand through manipulation points, where other people can't. Previously I had no expectations of people within my world, because I knew more or less that they wouldn't really hear, because they're not self-willed. So I did my thing and learned to rather enjoy myself alone, to the point where I prefer it over people's company. Because when I have company, I only go on and on about equality and the world in general, and I get rather bored with personal trivia if it's not shared in support, and I don't allow much of what I've allowed previously, so people who want to push what I don't allow within myself simply remove themselves, and that's it. No harm done.

But now I came to a point, where I'm a wee bit lost, because all my perceptions and expectations have nullified themselves, and I'm in uncharted territory. Walking with a processee is turning out to be more difficult than walking alone, which is just another proof that I have to stick to this, because difficult is where the actual change is at. I'm pushing through two sets of resistances now, and sometimes I explode a little. Today I was actually threatening to leave. That will not happen, I will stick to this if it kills me.

There is a certain amount of holy anger in me. I take responsibility to point out the fuckedness of the situation and expose the things I have walked and know. That's what I mean by pushing through two sets of resistances. We're allone in the end.

A funny point I have been experiencing lately is aloneness. The funny part is that I do not experience it when I am actually alone. I experience it within the relationship construct I have obviously built up with this person, because when he's home, I feel alone. I feel like there's a big wall, where there should be fluent communication, which means that I have fucked myself over nicely with them expectations. Those are next on to write out list. Sleep now.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior to people, whenever I threatened them with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people leaving if I don't do as they say/ask.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, whenever I was afraid of people leaving, if I don't do as they say/ask.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear/inferiority, whenever I didn't want to do something that other people asked of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the experience of holy anger, supported within my mind with arguments of equality, which I have not yet reached.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utter the word equality without being aware of my breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for another's process, when I have not dealt with my own yet.



User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3724
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: Hilda's blog

Postby Anna » 01 Mar 2012, 09:00

Hey Hilda.

Cool writing.

What I have found is that if the communication between myself and another is not effective, then it is my responsibility. Meaning that it is not "something that is there between us" (as we can experience it) - but that it is something I am creating, accepting and allowing within and as myself to begin with. So if I see that there is lack of communication, I see and look at where I am not effectively communicating and then I focus on communicating myself effectively. This way I actually give myself the power of the situation back, so that it is not something that I am subjected to - but that I am a direct participant and therefore directly responsible. Have you guys made a living-agreement manifesto? If not, you can do that and sit down and write down the basic principles of how you will live together and communicate effectively.




Return to “Members' Blog Links”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron