434: Ranting And Raving, Self-Forgiveness Style
I started writing about another point this evening, and experienced a wall in front of me... a hurdle I had to get over, a stuck-ness that I had to remove before I could continue. The following is the pushing of myself to 'get it out', as whatever was 'here' that was bothering me and keeping me from writing and self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point in which I’m working on now – thinking and believing it’s not the ‘actual point’ and there’s something else I should be writing about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my words, as my self-forgiveness, instead of pushing through the reactions as judgments and allowing to flow from me what is here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within process – in the points I face, comparing them to others and that somehow my process is not interesting enough, or insightful enough or worthwhile enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for others – for how others see me, and what value I can attach to myself through the eyes of others, instead of doing this, being here, for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly distracted by the thoughts and fears of how others see and perceive me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this point of caring what others think about me as being redundant – that I have already done forgiveness on this, why is it still coming up – without realizing it obviously still exists within me because I have not gotten to the root of it, and it exists in many layers within me, and at its core is just me, and who I am within myself, as the relationship with myself, and until I give myself fully, as self-forgiveness, I will never be able to stand alone, silent, without the care what others see – but seeing myself for real
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself through the eyes of others, as a projection of my own self – blaming others instead of taking responsibility for myself which is where the projections, fears, ideas I think others have about me comes from
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear, that is actually me, against me in keeping me quiet and silent and in the background where I believe I am safe and secure and away from any scrutiny
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scrutiny, to fear criticism, to actually then fear being critical of myself – which is actually the fear of being self-honest with myself, as the brutal truth of who I am, and what I’ve accepted and allowed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a fear of being criticized and judged by others unto others, and not take responsibility from which it comes from, which is me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take criticism, that I will fall apart and become weak if I see anything bad about myself, or if others see anything bad about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to present an image of myself that is safe from criticism and that is safe from scrutiny, as if I cannot take it…
This is quite interesting because it implies, an implication made by me, that I am not capable of standing within who I am, it implies I don’t actually know who I am, and that without some outside source of a self-definition, I will fall.
It implies I have a lot of work to do in establishing within myself who I actually am, and proving that to myself through space and time, to no longer be dependent on something or someone outside of me to define me.
It’s similar to the point of waiting I’ve been writing about… waiting for some perfect condition to manifest that will make it easier for me to change, instead of being the change as creating the perfect condition myself – changing the conditioning of my mind that no longer waits, but instead lives. So rather than fearing in anticipation criticism and scrutiny, face it myself – create it myself so that I can determine who I am FOR myself – so that I can define who I am FOR myself and no longer be subject to someone or something outside of me, which though, as I’ve realized, doesn’t actually exist. “Other’s” are only me.
So fear being 'out there' - get 'out there' to face the fear, and move past the fear, because the fear at the moment I use to hold myself back.
When and as I see myself fearing criticism and scrutiny from others, and allow that to influence me in what I do, or say or what I don’t do or say, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this exists because I have not yet defined for myself who I am, and I have allowed outside forces to decide that for me, just like I have decided to allow the mind to direct me throughout my life through thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I commit myself rather to take back the power, and authority to direct myself, to define myself for myself – to determine who I am so that I can stand absolutely, always, alone – never needing or fearing another, or something outside and separate from me here. That regardless of where I am, in whose company I am, what is happening around me, I AM HERE.
When and as I see myself judging myself for what I face/walk within my process as not being good enough, and use this against myself to keep me contained within not sharing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the perfect condition to keep all humanity enslaved to the idea they are not good enough, that their actions do not matter, and that change is impossible… when I realize in reality the power of human action and self-honesty expression and that each has the potential of the universe within them and so I commit myself to empowering myself within my process as to no longer judge me, but to share unconditionally, to forgive unconditionally, to let go of that which does not support the best version of me unconditionally – realizing that to face the criticism, the judgment, the fears, the scrutiny, whether from myself or others, is an opportunity to self-reflect, introspect, define and establish who I am in my own self-honesty within the principles of what is best for all
I commit myself to empower myself to let go of that which holds me back
I commit myself to stay consistent within the act of writing and self-forgiveness and self-commitment as the physical act of self-empowerment
I commit myself to develop a strength within me that stands sturdy and without fear through the application of consistent writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-commitment, and corrective application.
I commit myself to never give up on myself.
I commit myself to give myself the opportunity of a lifetime to no longer be limited by my mind as the conditioning that exists that suggest, “I cannot, I’m not good enough, others will judge me…” and instead LIVE, express, become equal and not stop until I am satisfied and clear within myself enough to say I know who I am…. I will know me because I commit to creating me as that which is Best for All.