Kristina's Blogs

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 22 Nov 2015, 09:21

429: Consider Something New - Living Forgiveness

This is a continuation from the previous blog - here writing out and committing to how I can and will change in a moment in relation to reacting to another's reaction towards me, and the pattern of 'same old, same old.'

When and as I see myself wanting to automatically react to another when they react to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my ‘wanting to react’ is just a reaction, and that it’s my responsibility to stop, as well as taking responsibility for reacting in the first place, as the trigger that caused another to react in the first place. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself when a reaction to another's reaction occurs by breathing and not participating/going into the reaction

When and as I see myself projecting images of past moments of conflict with another within my mind as a point of ‘here we go again’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it doesn’t have to be a ‘here we go again’, and that I can in fact change in that moment and so I commit myself to change in such a moment by breathing, not participating in any reactions within myself, and to be patient as to allow another to stop reactions within themselves, within this taking responsibility for me and for what we create together, as my participation

When and as I see myself reacting towards a reaction of another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow myself to react is to not be humble, and to not take responsibility for myself in this moment as to prevent a perpetuation of a cycle created when we BOTH react towards each other’s reactions and so I commit myself to rather stop and breathe in such a moment, be patient, let it be, and allow them to communicate with me when they're ready to communicate and thus prepare myself to also communicate without reaction, and so without further conflict/friction between us

When and as I see myself wanting to stay in a reaction towards another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is a clear red flag that I am not taking responsibility for myself, and rather wanting to express a self-righteousness that exists within blame towards another and to be completely innocent in the matter. I commit myself to rather than blaming, taking responsibility for myself, let go of the desire/want to be upset/angry/stay in the reaction and instead decide to create a new moment, and a new play out that does not have the same outcome as previous moments of conflict/friction

When and as I see myself reacting to another, and wanting ‘them’ to be sorry first – to make the first move, and so existing within a point of stubbornness and self-interest/righteousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow such a point is to not live forgiveness, and to not be an example for others, as well as myself, as what it means to live forgiveness and change. I commit myself to lead by example by being the first to forgive – forgiving myself for the initial reaction, and for another for reacting or any perceived ‘wrong doing’ towards me, and instead allow myself to live change in the real time moment, creating something new in this moment, within me, within my life, within my interactions with others, and so in this world as a whole

When and as I see myself thinking and believing/participating in the ‘want to be upset’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this indicate a belief that such a ‘want’ is real, and valid and that I should trust it, rather than realizing it’s a point of self-interest that does not exist within point of understanding, forgiveness, what is best for all, or practical change from consciousness to awareness and so I commit myself to breathe through the desire to be upset, let go of the belief that such an experience is real, and rather see what is real and that is an opportunity to transcend a part of me that rather be upset then forgive, understand, and change – I commit myself to perfecting the ability to be self-directive.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 02 Dec 2015, 08:00

430: At What Cost do You Feel Better about Yourself?

Listening to the latest reptilian recording on Eqafe, "Where are you?" the question was asked, 'where am I?' The response I had was in the context of myself, like inside myself, my body, my mind. In the interview, it was mentioned that if the response was in the context of where you are physically, like your environment, it's a pretty cool reference for yourself in terms of your awareness being focused in the physical reality.

That was not my response, so there was a slight reaction to that. Though briefly before that, there was hope and anticipation that they would mention something about how I responded and that it would be "better than the first response."

So this is a point I've noticed some up a few times in the past week.

I've started two new jobs, and I noticed there were comparisons I was making between myself and those training me - both seeing myself as better at the job than my trainers, as well as management noticing this too - me wanting to be seen as 'better than others' and me thinking that about myself.

This generates a positive feeling/experience within me, which indicates the negative also exists. This is definitely a point I can relate to, and am more familiar with - Comparing myself towards others, and they, in some way, shape, or form, are always better than me.

That seems to be more predominant for me as an experience, yet that positive/better than others experience has also been present.

What I can see, and have realized is that that positive feeling is always an attempt to correct one's actual experience. For instance... my actual experience is that of inferiority/less than/not good enough/something wrong with me - especially in relation to others. So when I do go into the positive experience of feeling good about being better than others, it's like my way of rectifying an uncomfortable experience. I feel diminished so I want others to be diminished as well. I feel shitty in relation to others and I want to turn the tables if you will. Like looking for some relief.

So what I can see is that in an attempt to change my experience, I only diminish others in my own mind. it's like I feel better, yet at the cost of others.

This is something I also see plays out in the greater as in between many people. It's like we've come to accept the idea that empowering ourselves, especially in the context of interpersonal relationships, we've got to cut others down to do so.

Another example is when we feel wronged, or attacked, or someone deliberately caused frcition in ourselves, we've got to perceive them as trash, or bad people, in an attempt to find some sort of solace in the experience. Like if we look down on them, and what they've done, and who they are, then we come out on top, feeling better, with a positive feeling.

How many times do we say, "Karma will bit them in the ass," and have a good feeling about something bad happening to another - like 'they will get what they deserve.' Or we judge people for their words, or deeds, and say they are not worthy of our time, simultaneously putting ourselves on a pedestal of self righteousness.

The thing about this is it's all an act of separation - which basically divides people, pits people against each other, causes us to lose our compassion and thus we end up in a world where each fight internally and externally with one another. Then of course, harmony cannot exist.

So quite the realization to see how my participation in such a pattern can sustain a world of discord, as of course each individual, and who they are, makes up the whole of humanity. And so gain - each responsible for what they accept and allow within themselves, and so this world we share and create collectively.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 16 Dec 2015, 07:35

431: The Absence of Direction = Distraction

Recently I've been looking at the point of direction. I have no clear cut, obvious, in your face 'point' as far as what I can direct myself towards. Never any 'gifts' or interests specifically, nothing I'm drawn to, or that I find motivation to get involved with. I never really had 'a point' in life, and in a way, I've allowed that to be an excuse for myself to not give myself direction. Because without a specific point that clearly waves the flag of 'come hither... come to me, learn this, do this, embrace and be involved in this' I've rather allowed myself to be consumed by distractions. Whether that be work, movies, tv series, life dramas like gossip and things that don't really matter or nurture any real potential of the life within. In the absence of direction, I've given myself distractions.

So it's been an excuse... for a very long time I can see the theme song playing in my head, "I have no point, I have no point, I have no point.' Now it's not in the nature of I have no point I should end my life, more like an aimless wondering through life looking for something, always outside of myself, to direct me and LEAD me in the 'right' direction.

So the point I can see I've missed is that of self-direction. Directing myself towards something specific. Actually deciding for myself, or asking myself even, 'what do I want to do in this life.' Now while there may be a general idea of this, nothing specific as a clear-cut interest comes to mind.

Though here is what I see, realize and now understand through looking at this point of no direction = more distractions. There are 'potentials' within my life - are directly in my environment. Though there is the lack of energy, or passion, or drive that moves me within it. Key words here: "...that moves me within it." So there is the misalignment - the missing key, the misunderstanding. I've always looked for something outside of ME to move ME... never really grasping the concept of self-movement, self-willed decision making to lead to a self-made being. It's always been environmental, or family, or social relationships, or energy from my mind as 'how i feel' about things that decided, and influenced me and so which direction I took in life. If something didn't shout 'hey - take this on', I wouldn't even consider it.

And what does that type of acceptance and allowance create? The consequence of being dependent on outside forces to move and direct one's life. Ever look for signs in life, to 'tell you' your in the right direction? Yes - that's the type of nature I'm talking about here. I spent many years following the carrot on the stick, following my 'highest bliss', looking for the next moment that conjures up a 'coincidental goose-bump experience' that was 'too obvious to ignore' that told me 'this is where I SHOULD be.'

Okay so that is the consequence. The reality of that consequence is in order to change it, I have to stop looking for the signs, stop waiting for the good feelings, and start making decisions based on practical reality assessment of what is here, where I would like to go, and the potentials of what exists in my reality right NOW.

So such a point exists, and while I have no drive, passion, or motivation towards it, I do realize that 'it's here', and I've come to understand that that is what I should be working with in my life. 'What is here' - as what is real. A point I have in my life, as the potential to expand myself in many areas, presents itself, and so it's up to me to decide to do it, as it's not deciding for me, no feelings are deciding for me, nothing is pushing me or pulling my toward it... only me in what I can see would be best for me, with all the information I have at this stage.

So that is the point I want to share to you, and to better understand myself. You don't need positive feelings, or motivation, or passion towards something specific in your life. You can actually create that as you go. You can decide, on your own free accord, to move in a certain direction, creating the experience yourself. The passion comes from doing, the motivation comes from the movement, the drive comes from the self-will.

Just because you don't feel energetic, or motivated about or by something, doesn't mean it can't or wont exist, and it absolutely doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't do/pursue it. Chances are, if there is no emotional or feeling attachment to it, then it's something worth going into because then you know it's YOU moving you into it, not some emotional or feeling energy that, after investigating and understanding, you realize was based only on ideas or assumptions or projections in your mind, and that like any lovey-dovey, floating on cloud 9-relationship starts, comes crashing down to earth with the shattering loss of that energy feeling. Working with real-time physical reality, no feelings and emotions, is the key to unlocking, and developing your true potential, which is simply the act of you moving yourself and putting yourself into a position and different things that gets you out of your comfort zone and into expanding territories.

You don't need arrows pointing you in the right direction, you can see for yourself the right way to go. Use principles, considering what's best for yourself and others as your guide, and take notice of what is here and around you - the opportunities, the open doors, the relationships with others... anything suggesting a potential to develop yourself, your skills, your expression, and ultimately your life, Like anything that grows... it takes a seed to be planted, cared for, nurtured, given attention to before it will sprout, and expand and fulfill it's true nature.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 04 Jan 2016, 10:15

432: The Catalyst of Change

Waiting.


I have been waiting for perfect conditions for as long as I can remember in order for me to fully live, or express, or move, or change. Though this waiting has always been some perfect condition outside of myself. Which is actually quite the perfect ‘condition’ in the context of what the mind represents.

A dis-empowered self that waits for something or someone outside of oneself before one will move, change, take responsibility for themselves and their life. This is the perfect condition for the mind because in that, one will always be waiting and thus never fully living, as it’s full potential and expression of what is possible as life, and rather give all power and control to the mind. It’s the condition of the mind, as self has defined itself, basing its decisions and direction on the experiences as emotions and feelings that come up, creating complete chaos in one's life, as represented by the world as a whole.

I have conditioned myself to wait, justified by thoughts, that suggest there is something waiting in the wing, something to come that will be the key for me signifying my time to shine.

When really… I have been and am only waiting for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for some perfect condition before I will change me as taking responsibility for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my reactions to seize before I participate more with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for work to be less busy before I will organize my time better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for more money before I move myself within certain directions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for a feeling of stability before I will share on my blog and/or vlogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for some future event to change me in how I experience and direct my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for more information and knowledge that will propel me in a movement that will alter the course of my life for the better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to tell me what to do with my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of waiting as a condition of my mind, wherein I give up the power and authority to direct myself here and now as who I am, and rather give it up to the mind to direct me by following the emotions and feelings as my experience of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for more confidence before I will share myself more openly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for some other initiative then my own to trigger me into more action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within waiting – as a point of abdicating and squandering the gift of the PRESENT moment, as my day to day living, in the opportunities I have in every moment to express my fullest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it’s acceptable to wait for something or someone outside of myself to be the catalyst of my change

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be my own catalyst of change

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the power and potential I have now to be my own catalyst of change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to own/take hold of/express/develop my ability and power to be the catalyst of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to change within me, on it’s own, before I will experience and feel a change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something to happen to me, or in my life where I will then decide to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself why I can wait within my life, realizing in waiting, there is no living, there is only a state of limbo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word waiting – as waiting for something or someone, outside and separate from me HERE to determine who I am, how I express, what I do and how I will live

It’s astonishing how much we as humans actually just wait… wait for some politician to change something instead of becoming the politician ourselves. Wait for a new job to come along before we our content in what we are doing. Wait for some relationship to come along and cure all our woes. Wait for the world to change – for leaders to stop going to war, for bankers to stop being greedy, for the consequence of our actions to bring upon destruction before we will move ourselves.

We really are asleep – completely unaware of how in our waiting, we are passing through space and time, where our physical bodies hold a power unknown to this world – where our physical actions can produce change, where our equality and oneness can bring about peace and harmony – where our individual responsibility taken by each can create a catalyst of change in this world. It takes each one. It takes me.

If I want the world to stop waiting, I will have to stop waiting. If I want the politicians to change, I will have to change. If I want the bankers to stop being greedy, I will have to stop being greedy. If I want racism to stop, I will have to stop my own racism. I can’t expect something to change me when I wont even change me.

So here, a first step for me to stop waiting and to realize…. I am the key. I am the key to my own change. In and as waiting, I’m only wasting time.

When and as I see myself waiting for some perfect condition outside and separate from me here to trigger a change or a new direction or a new experience, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to wait is to waste away and to not live the life as the potential that exists here in all.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my life, myself as an individual within this world waiting for change, to be the change myself that I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to stop waiting for a new job, more money, more information and knowledge, the perfect relationship, or some catalyst to change me and instead I commit myself to be my own catalyst of change by practicing the actions of breathing, of writing, of self forgiveness as self empowerment, of taking responsibility, of physically moving and doing and showing to myself and all the potential of the human life….

I commit myself to show there is no gain in waiting, there is only a wasting of life and that the time is now to be the change. No perfect condition will change what exists within you…. You will have to be the one to change the condition of yourself.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 06 Jan 2016, 09:22

433: Positively Self-Deceptive

Continuing with the waiting point… I often see myself telling myself, ‘I’ll do it later.’ Or “tomorrow is the day’. Within that, a positive feeling of accomplishment, because in the ‘I'll do it tomorrow/later’ and thus ‘waiting’, there is the belief that you will actually do it – that you are committed to doing it. Though – if that were actually the case, why not do it today?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off things for tomorrow or later instead of doing it today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through putting things off till later or till tomorrow, trigger a positive feeling experience within me as the belief that I will actually do it, and that I will actually get it done, when in reality I see, realize, and understand that while I think the positive feeling is a sense of self-pride for committing to doing something ‘later’ – it is actually due to me fulfilling the desire to give into waiting – through accepting and justifying the ‘doing it later’, I reward myself with that positive feeling and thus now can do ‘what I want’ rather than what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within positive energies in thinking and believing that the images and projections I have of seeing myself ‘doing it later’ are real and valid, when in reality it is a construct that supports the waiting in this world, and that exists within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my experience of wanting to ‘do it later’ or ‘do it tomorrow’ through thoughts in my mind that suggest I simply can, and give myself all sorts of reasons as to why I am right, and it’s okay – instead of working with principles as that which is best for all, and so best for me and so working with self-discipline in doing what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the present moment as the gift of life, as what I can do NOW, and HERE, in this moment and rather instead put it off till later… thinking and believing there will always be a ‘later’ or that there will always be a ‘tomorrow’ when in truth, I don’t know that

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself as life as the physical, living moment, as the present HERE – doing what is necessary now, as it comes up, as it requires my direction and instead put it off, and thinking about some ‘perfect condition’ that will support in facilitating doing what needs to be done, rather than directing myself to simply doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into my own bullshit when I tell myself, and experience a sense of accomplishment, through the image of me doing something ‘later’ or ‘tomorrow’ and think within this, I am satisfied, and expressing myself as my utmost potential instead of realizing I am staying the same as the system of my mind that keeps me waiting, and waiting, and putting things off, and thinking there’s a later, and there is a better time, and there are more ripe circumstances that will manifest before I should or could or dare be my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily give in to the thoughts and justifications and excuses in my mind that suggest another moment, other than the one I have HERE as this moment, as I breathe in the present, is more perfect to direct myself and my life and my world into that which is best, instead of realizing what I’m actually missing as the opportunity here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in reverse wherein I trust the thoughts in my head that say later is a more perfect time, or condition to move, and change and direct things within myself and within my life, rather than seeing and realizing and harnessing the power of HERE, of being here, of directing myself in my physical reality, as my physical body, within physical action that produce REAL change rather than just images in my mind that show me I'm changing

When and as I see myself telling myself I can ‘do it later’ or do it tomorrow, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that tomorrow or later doesn’t actually exist, except within my mind as an image that separates me from myself, my body, and real life in/as this physical moment and so I commit myself to stop justifying why I can exist within waiting and rather embrace the life as the gift I have as each moment I breathe

When and as I see myself seeing an image within my mind of me doing something tomorrow that I could easily do today, and within that, create a positive energy experience within in, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the sense of accomplishment I create through an image of me doing something or taking care of a responsibility at some other point in time then now is actually a deceptive trick I play on myself to remain the same, to not change, to not develop self-directive principle and to instead exist within waiting for something, someone or another moment to exist – and that in fact the positive energy is the reward I give to myself for staying the same, for continuing the cycle, for repeating the patterns that do not support myself as the expression of my utmost potential and so I commit myself to stop lying to myself, to stop rewarding myself for behaviors that are no longer conducive to become a being that stands by principles that are best for all and to rather commit myself to PROVING to myself in Real Time who I am, what I will accept and allow of myself, and what I will not… and to rather LIVE it and not think about it, to actually DO it rather than just imagine it.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 07 Jan 2016, 08:58

434: Ranting And Raving, Self-Forgiveness Style

I started writing about another point this evening, and experienced a wall in front of me... a hurdle I had to get over, a stuck-ness that I had to remove before I could continue. The following is the pushing of myself to 'get it out', as whatever was 'here' that was bothering me and keeping me from writing and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point in which I’m working on now – thinking and believing it’s not the ‘actual point’ and there’s something else I should be writing about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my words, as my self-forgiveness, instead of pushing through the reactions as judgments and allowing to flow from me what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within process – in the points I face, comparing them to others and that somehow my process is not interesting enough, or insightful enough or worthwhile enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for others – for how others see me, and what value I can attach to myself through the eyes of others, instead of doing this, being here, for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly distracted by the thoughts and fears of how others see and perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this point of caring what others think about me as being redundant – that I have already done forgiveness on this, why is it still coming up – without realizing it obviously still exists within me because I have not gotten to the root of it, and it exists in many layers within me, and at its core is just me, and who I am within myself, as the relationship with myself, and until I give myself fully, as self-forgiveness, I will never be able to stand alone, silent, without the care what others see – but seeing myself for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself through the eyes of others, as a projection of my own self – blaming others instead of taking responsibility for myself which is where the projections, fears, ideas I think others have about me comes from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear, that is actually me, against me in keeping me quiet and silent and in the background where I believe I am safe and secure and away from any scrutiny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scrutiny, to fear criticism, to actually then fear being critical of myself – which is actually the fear of being self-honest with myself, as the brutal truth of who I am, and what I’ve accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a fear of being criticized and judged by others unto others, and not take responsibility from which it comes from, which is me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot take criticism, that I will fall apart and become weak if I see anything bad about myself, or if others see anything bad about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to present an image of myself that is safe from criticism and that is safe from scrutiny, as if I cannot take it…

This is quite interesting because it implies, an implication made by me, that I am not capable of standing within who I am, it implies I don’t actually know who I am, and that without some outside source of a self-definition, I will fall.

It implies I have a lot of work to do in establishing within myself who I actually am, and proving that to myself through space and time, to no longer be dependent on something or someone outside of me to define me.

It’s similar to the point of waiting I’ve been writing about… waiting for some perfect condition to manifest that will make it easier for me to change, instead of being the change as creating the perfect condition myself – changing the conditioning of my mind that no longer waits, but instead lives. So rather than fearing in anticipation criticism and scrutiny, face it myself – create it myself so that I can determine who I am FOR myself – so that I can define who I am FOR myself and no longer be subject to someone or something outside of me, which though, as I’ve realized, doesn’t actually exist. “Other’s” are only me.

So fear being 'out there' - get 'out there' to face the fear, and move past the fear, because the fear at the moment I use to hold myself back.

When and as I see myself fearing criticism and scrutiny from others, and allow that to influence me in what I do, or say or what I don’t do or say, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this exists because I have not yet defined for myself who I am, and I have allowed outside forces to decide that for me, just like I have decided to allow the mind to direct me throughout my life through thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I commit myself rather to take back the power, and authority to direct myself, to define myself for myself – to determine who I am so that I can stand absolutely, always, alone – never needing or fearing another, or something outside and separate from me here. That regardless of where I am, in whose company I am, what is happening around me, I AM HERE.

When and as I see myself judging myself for what I face/walk within my process as not being good enough, and use this against myself to keep me contained within not sharing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is the perfect condition to keep all humanity enslaved to the idea they are not good enough, that their actions do not matter, and that change is impossible… when I realize in reality the power of human action and self-honesty expression and that each has the potential of the universe within them and so I commit myself to empowering myself within my process as to no longer judge me, but to share unconditionally, to forgive unconditionally, to let go of that which does not support the best version of me unconditionally – realizing that to face the criticism, the judgment, the fears, the scrutiny, whether from myself or others, is an opportunity to self-reflect, introspect, define and establish who I am in my own self-honesty within the principles of what is best for all

I commit myself to empower myself to let go of that which holds me back

I commit myself to stay consistent within the act of writing and self-forgiveness and self-commitment as the physical act of self-empowerment

I commit myself to develop a strength within me that stands sturdy and without fear through the application of consistent writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-commitment, and corrective application.

I commit myself to never give up on myself.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity of a lifetime to no longer be limited by my mind as the conditioning that exists that suggest, “I cannot, I’m not good enough, others will judge me…” and instead LIVE, express, become equal and not stop until I am satisfied and clear within myself enough to say I know who I am…. I will know me because I commit to creating me as that which is Best for All.



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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 08 Jan 2016, 10:28

435: Self-Presence and Participation

Today I was looking at what to write my blog about – or generally a point I could reflect on from the day. Again this thought, “I don’t have anything to write about.” Though that is a statement I no longer trust, and what I could see in that moment was one of the reasons it could possibly exist – that statement of “I have nothing to write about” is because of one’s presence throughout the day. Today I was not my most effective in terms of breathing, being aware of myself in each moment, I was more ‘going through the motions’ of the day. And I can see how from this, one wouldn’t have anything to write about because one wasn’t present in their day – they were not aware of the thoughts or reactions that come up, as they are just set to auto pilot, automatically running, and so not self-aware of what is going on in such a moment. So yes – one wouldn’t have the points to write about, because again, simply put, one wasn’t actually ‘here’ in their day.

So that is quite interesting… if one is not actively present in their day, there is not much to report on, or to reflect on, because basically one is the walking dead. When we are not breathing, present in our physical bodies, aware of what is going on around us as our environment – taking in, observing, introspecting as we move through the innumerable moments in a day, then we are not here, not living, not aware, not engaging or participating. We are just the batteries giving power to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present through my day, actively engaging in each physical moment, as each physical breath, strengthening my presence here, as a self-directive being, and instead rather allowing the mind to take control, and basically falling asleep as my presence is not needed when one is/as/of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of “I don’t have anything to write about” due to my lack of participation throughout my day – not breathing, or embracing the moments I have that make up my day, and rather existing in auto-pilot, automatically running and taking commands from the mind, moving through the motions, but not actually alive, fully expressive, engaging, and participating

That is an interesting point – the participation. How often do we find ourselves talking to people, or in a conversation with others and are listening to them speak, but not actually HEARING the words, or the expression? Because we are not here. We are then not participating in the conversation, we are within our minds engaging in our own self-created reality that centers on ourselves, alone.

Or ever notice yourself reading, but have no idea what you are actually looking at – you move through the motions of moving your eyes along the sentences of the pages of the book, but you are not taking in, understanding, comprehending and reflecting on what you are reading, you are rather seeing the images in your mind. I know you can relate to this…. You always end up re-reading what you’ve just ‘read’ because you didn’t actually read it. You weren’t ‘here’. You were in the mind.

So just two examples, but quite apparent the difference between being here, in/as/of the physical, and being in the mind – running automatically, on auto-pilot, without any awareness of you, your body, or your surroundings – the actual reality that determines your existence.

So many of us exist this way, and don’t think twice about why. We simply accept that is who and how we are – it’s human nature, it’s just what we do. We have the mind and then this other reality we don’t pay as much attention to – physical reality.

I can see for myself the practice required to establish myself more here, as an active participant in this reality – in ALL that I do – so that I don’t miss a thing. So that I can ensure everything that goes on within me, and around me, is what is best – that is the responsibility I have as the reality of myself and that which I create from where I stand.

When and as I see myself not engaging, or fully participating within physical reality, and rather up in my head, seeing images and thoughts running, instead of standing fully present within my physical body, and so within this physical reality – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the importance of me being here – of developing my self-awareness as a self-responsible human being that no longer exist within the mind reality that sees only me (such a limited reality) and rather stands in the absolute realness of this world where real human beings are necessary to be, to care and act and do in the interest of all – that is best for all

When and as I see myself using the excuse that I don’t have anything to write about, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand one of the reasons for this statement could be my lack of being present, as breath, throughout my day and is a red flag for me to start slowing down and grounding myself back in my physical – where I am responsible to become directive principle of me instead of giving the mind the power and authority to automatically direct me as moving me through the motions. I commit myself to become fully self-aware and present as directive principle through the process and practice of stopping every time I see myself engaged in the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and bring myself back to the physical body, breathing, in equality and oneness with all within/as/of this physical reality.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 09 Jan 2016, 10:26

436: Using the Past Against Me and You

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project failure onto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the past in defining others – in how I see them and what to expect from them being based on past moments, wherein I am holding them hostage to a specific pattern and anticipate they will always play it out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand the difference between allowing one to change, and understanding patterns that others play out… within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the realization that to anticipate certain patterns in others, certain behaviors, is actually indicating a point of self-honesty, a self-seeing if you will that there is such a point/pattern existing within myself and in my anticipating or expecting others to fail, I am also accepting and allowing a point of failure within myself where I can anticipate or expect myself to fail, because I've already made the decision to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others what I give to myself, which is leniency – wherein I allow a loose rope to hang around my neck – where I allow little moments here and there to slip by where I am not taking responsibility for myself, where I am not being self-honest, where I am giving into emotions, and feelings, and thoughts – where I am directing myself from a point of self- interest and to not realize the consequence of this as the accumulation of falling within one's process of change - as one is not giving it one's all, absolutely, in all ways, diligently - one is still holding onto points of desire and wants as self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that until I change, nothing will change… and perhaps this applies to others. Obviously I cannot expect others to change if I am not changing myself, and so my responsibility within what is best for all is to change. Once I change, others have an opportunity to change. Until I change, I cannot expect others to change. And if I’m expecting others to change, I have not changed or understood the absolute reality of the mind consciousness system that exists within/as each and every singly human being, through self-forgiveness, because if I did I would not anticipate the failure of others, and wonder why they are still allowing certain points within themselves and their life… I would rather understand, and know as I understood and took the time to know myself what it will and does take to actually, physically change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to change before I change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to lead me through their change, instead of leading myself through my own change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become perplexed by other points for people in their process, instead of remaining focus on my own process… and reflecting what I see in them, back to me… place myself in their shoes, understand what could create such a pattern/behavior/play out and take responsibility for where I have existed in a similar nature thus realizing it's not about them, it's about Me and where I still require work to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always assume the past will repeat – in the context of others – assuming others will continue to do what they’ve always done, instead of giving them the opportunity, as I would like for myself, to walk with a clean slate, without my past being held against me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past against me, and to not have unconditionally forgiven, and let go of what has happened, and who’ve I’ve been, and the decisions I’ve made that did not support me within my highest potential, and did not act in ways that were best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do unto others what I have done unto myself, wherein I hold their past against them – I expect them as I’ve seen them in the past, instead of allowing each new moment with them, each new interaction, to be just that… NEW – and present, and an opportunity that it actually is to be the moment of change

What I can see here is that if we anticipate certain behaviors or patterns or play outs from those in our life, there are a couple possibilities as to why. First is – it is a reflection, a mirror those others are standing as to support ourselves to see ourselves better – to have a better glimpse into what we are accepting and allowing within ourselves, because what do we know? What we see, and react in others, exists within ourselves and that is absolutely our responsibility, and ours alone.

The second point I can see as a possibility for this to exist – the point of anticipating and expecting certain behaviors and patterns from others, is because we are still holding onto resentments, or judgments, or ideas, or beliefs, or perceptions about something that happened with them in the past. We are using a past moment with them to define who they are – placing them within a limitation of ‘that is all they will ever be’ instead of expecting the best from others, yet understanding the difficult and challenging process we are all currently facing of changing ourselves… it is no easy feat, but it is possible.

So I can see for myself past resentments and reactions towards others that I now define them as how they will always express and act and be, and there’s no consideration of a possible change. Again – this says a lot more about myself than them… it is what I’m accepting and allowing, and of course has nothing to do with ‘them’. It’s almost as if we can take ‘them’ out of the equation, and instead see ‘them’ as us and in that, we are everyone, equal and one. Then the mirror is always in our face, and there is no hiding from what we’ve accepted and allowed - we are always in a point of responsibility.

When and as I see myself anticipating and expecting certain behaviors, actions, and patterns from others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this could be a point of me either holding the past against them, and defining them within a limitation and not allowing them the room and space and unconditional support to actually change, as well as seeing a similar point within myself wherein I am accepting and allowing myself to exist within the same behaviors, actions, and patterns that I am not changing… that I am continuing to live out without taking the responsibility I have to change it. And so I commit myself to stop focusing on others and what I expect from them, and rather use others as the gift of seeing me, of expanding within my own process wherein I utilize the equality and oneness that is here and see me in everything and everyone to change myself into ways that are best for all.

I commit myself to stop holding the past against myself and others, and rather practice unconditional self-forgiveness, wherein through self-forgiveness I get to know and understand my own shortcomings, and in turn allow myself to get to know and understand others shortcomings and then there exists no judgment, resentment, or reaction – there is simply a practical seeing of what is here, what is working, what is not, and what can be practical done to change it.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 11 Jan 2016, 09:39

437: Let Me Explain

Recently I made a statement while with my partner that I would like to call into question. We were meeting the commissioner that will marry us, and she was asking about the ceremony we would like – would I be wearing a dress, how many people would be attending, and if we had rings. When asked if we were going to exchange rings, we said no, and then I added, “We are young and poor.”

I was looking at this statement the whole day afterward, considering the implication of my words and how I am living... or they are living words within/as my life. “We are young and poor.”

There are a couple points I can see within this I see as important to address. I will open the first point up in this blog tonight, which is:

First point, and most obvious to me (as it's come up a few times recently) is the explanation I feel is needed. Meaning – my partner and I are not going about getting married in the traditional sense. There is no rings, there is no wedding dress, there is so expensive reception, or a long-drawn out ceremony. We are keeping it as practical as possible, because quite simply – being married for us is practical. So then why do I feel the need to give a reason attempting to explain why we are not doing things traditionally – like having rings to exchange?

“We are young and poor.” Well yes, one aspect of not having rings is because we don’t have the funds to allocate to such a purchase at the moment, and luckily, neither of us feel as though having rings defines our relationship or the commitment of marriage – it’s simply a symbol and at the moment, our funds are prioritized elsewhere. So then why do I need to explain that – “we are young and poor.”

I can see that in relation to getting married, and in general walking my process, being part of the desteni group, walking within principles and sharing what I do seems a bit ‘out of the norm’ and being ‘out of the norm’ is almost as if you are looked at differently, at least that’s been my experience. It takes consistency to break the walls of certain stigmas, and this is just the latest I feel I must explain.

I don’t want people to think we’re (I’m) weird, or to look questionably at me – to wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing, or saying what I’m saying. It’s like a fear of being seen as different, or weird, or anything out of the norm/traditional… not wanting to go against the crowd in a way – not wanting to stand out or be seen as something suspicious, as generally we judge/ridicule/dismiss/question anything that is not familiar or comfortable to us.

So a fear of being different, and feeling like I must defend myself – that I must justify my actions, or explain myself to others. When in reality – if I was clear within my starting point – within who I am, and not giving value to the outside world's perception of me, I am certain it would not matter, I would not feel like I must justify and explain myself, as I know myself, and why I’m doing what I’m doing. No explanation - just the decision, and action.

This is another aspect/dimension of a fear of others and how they see/perceive me, which I wrote about earlier this week, as well as frequently throughout my process. Quite the point – the energy, and value and attachment/importance I’ve given to what others think. This is a problem because obviously, when one depend on other’s acceptance or fear another’s judgment, placing value on this, then one become a slave to others – always seeking validation outside/separate from oneself, and always abdicating responsibility one has to themselves.

So that is what is necessary for me – the solution if you will. Continue to stop caring/giving value/giving importance to the thoughts of others, and establish the self-relationship that is supportive, caring, honoring self-honesty, and responsible within who I am, as thought, word, and deed. That is the one being in which I should care what they think - that is the being I must walk an eternity with... myself. There is no time to worry about what others think or don't think - I have my own thoughts to worry about/clean up – and after all, my thought of what others think are merely thoughts I think about myself, or have thought about towards others, so no matter which way you spin it – I am responsible.

I will continue this in the next blog.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Blogs

Postby Kristina » 12 Jan 2016, 09:54

438: Why Do We Fear Being Different?

So the first dimension I can see within the statement made of, “we’re young and poor” is a fear of being different in the eyes of others, and within this – being judged or seen as weird, and that I must explain myself so that I don’t come off this way – there is a reason for ‘why’ we are doing things differently. (see previous blog for context).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the statement, “we’re young and poor” when telling the commissioner we were not exchanging rings when we get married, as a point of fear of how she would react as seeing us differently or weird

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define exchanging rings when getting married as something normal, and to not do this is to be abnormal, and so within this – to fear being seen as abnormal for not doing the ‘normal’ thing at a wedding ceremony

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going against societies tradition, and what people will think of me, fearing being seen as weird, and different and because of this, being an outcast from the group as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I must explain myself as to why I am doing things differently than others – thinking and believing that I must give a reason that is acceptable to others because my action is not acceptable as it is not normal, or within tradition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different, to fear being an individual, for making my own decisions, and to within this – always depend on society and its traditions and norms as a guide of who I must be and what I must do and define that as the only thing acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will think and see my differently if I dare to do something different - if I don’t follow along with what is currently accepted as the norm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on others outside and separate from myself, as the guide that suggest where I must go, how I must act, what I must do, how I can express myself and when I’m in a situation wherein I am doing things differently – become fearful and think I must explain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own authority as needing societal norms and traditions to be what determines what I do – using that as my guide, as my directive, instead of deciding for myself, within my own power and authority, who I am, what I stand for and as, and how I make the decisions in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the power and authority of my directive principle to society’s traditions and norms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the definition of marriage to be that of exchanging rings instead of realizing it is so much more than that, and I don’t have to explain to anyone why I am not doing such a thing when I get married

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though others will question me if I do not do what is normal, especially here in the context of getting married

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question myself within doing things out of the norm when getting married, going against what I’ve been taught and accepted as ‘how things are’ and ‘it’s just what you do’ and not questioning it or even doing it differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different, for being my own self, for making up my own mind, for being practical in my decisions in life as how this will cause others to see me – thinking and believing I need the approval of others to be okay with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the thoughts of others about me instead of standing on my own two feet, living proudly of who I am as I am walking a process of establishing myself as a being of integrity, real honesty, and within principles that are always best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being different and going against tradition or norms as something to be feared, that it’s something you should resist instead of realizing the actual nature of such a design being deliberate to keep people in line – to not express an individualism but to instead follow the way before us as what has been already decided upon, even without our participation, yet given our consent when we go along and not question or even change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being different as actually fearing to change as the change implies a new way, and to go against the old way is to go against the grain, go against the crowd and when you do this, you are seen as something outside the norm and so different – though why is that bad? Why is that a negative thing? Why is it seen as something weird and to be resisted? Who benefits from tradition? And what does it imply about the society we’ve created when people are afraid to do something different, to not follow tradition?

It’s interesting because so many people, so many generations… basically all children are taught the ‘ways of the world’ and that that is just how things are, and while we see it as fine, the mere fact that there is fear to express something different, something that may even challenge or question the accepted norm implies something very wrong. No one should be afraid to step up, to stand up, and to put into question any belief or practice, or thought, or idea that does not support what is best for all, and simply having fear attached to doing so implies it’s not best for all. Fear is not best for all, it is not best for an individual.

Fear is the cell we lock ourselves within to not change – we put ourselves in chains instead. Now while my experience with fearing what others will think for not doing the traditional ring exchange at my wedding may not seem like such a problem within humanity, though at its core, as its nature – there is a problem. Individuals fearing to be different, to be themselves, to make up their own mind, for not following along with what has been told ‘this is just how it is’. We do it with everything, in every field and aspect of our world. War, poverty, homelessness, mass incarceration, racism, religious beliefs, failing education systems, politics… there is a silent consent everyone is given because all are too afraid to stand up and say ‘this is not right, this is not best for all, let’s change this.’ We don’t do this on an existential level because we are not doing it on an individual level, within ourselves, our minds, or our relationships. We should never fear to make decisions that are practical, and best for our lives, and best for others just because it’s not what others suggest is the way it’s always been done.

So why are we taught to fear being different?

To be continued…




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