Kristina's Blogs

[Kristina]

Day 59: Thinking of things to do... Instead of DOING it
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... stead.html

[Kristina]

Journey to Life Blogs:

Day 60 - Loneliness http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... iness.html

Day 61 - Reactions to not getting what the "Helpful Character" wants: http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... -what.html

[Kristina]

Day 62: Fear of being called a religious Freak
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... gious.html

Text:

This post is in relation to a reaction I had to another's words to/toward me. The truth is he was probably joking - yet within myself I reacted and so here I apply the self forgiveness for it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the energy of anger when another called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's words personaly when they called me a religious freak, as I reacted in anger and thus took their words personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that whenever I take anothers words personally – I am within and as my ego as self definition in separation of who I really am here as life as the breath as the physical

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear person A thinking that I am a religious freak because of person B's comment about me being one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that person A thinks I am religious and a freak because of the thought that person B tells them that I am in a crazy cult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others thinking I am in a cult or freaky religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that have been brainwashed by religion and within that judge them as ‘freaks’ and thus fear it being done unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and desteni as a whole to religious groups and within this justify my comparisons and fears by saying, “We are doing what we are doing for/within/as what is best for all" as a way to make myself/my participation within a group to be better than another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as religious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend myself as ‘not being religious’ to another when they made a comment about me being a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger onto another when they said I was a ‘religious freak’

When and as I see myself reacting to anothers words as taken them personally – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself for real as the physical to see/realize/understand that in taking anothers words personally – I am within and as ego as separation of myself as the illusion of myself

When and as I see myself reacting in anger to anothers comments about me – I stop and I breathe and I investigate what it is I am actually angry about

When and as I see myself fearing others seeing me as a religious freak – I stop and I breathe and I realize that I have the power and control and directive will within/as myself to remain clear from reactions and stable

When and as I see myself fearing how others see me – I stop and I breathe, and I realize it’s not about how others see me – it’s how I see myself and thus always direct/take it back to myself to see who I am within myself, within relationship to myself that is then mirrored to me with/as relationships with/as others

I commit myself to stop all judgments of religions in this world and stand equal as self responsible for what is created and manifested in this world - standing equal and one as what is here

I commit myself to stop all fears within and as myself through investigating where they were created, how I accepted and allowed myself and to through self investigation as writing, forgive myself for the acceptances and allowances

I commit myself to show how desteni is the only message/group that stands as practical, physical change in this world, for each individual and humanity as a whole

[Kristina]

JTL Day 63 - My Inner War with Canada
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... anada.html

[Kristina]

JTL Blog - Day 64: Facing the Reality
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... ality.html

[Kristina]

JTL Day 65 - The Truth Behind wanting a Relationship
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... ship.html#

What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life. Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto within the fantasy of being in relationship with them to provide me with energy as excitement and desire

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for taking away that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need another to move me in this life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept the experience of being depressed and allow this to then direct me to not move myself and instead lay stagnant within myself, not moving myself, and justifying my inaction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone now that I am not in relationship with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am alone when not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to live the words I speak, and learn to live with myself, get to know myself, be in relationship with myself in walking this process in getting to know who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not in relationship then I am worthless

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am a failure because my relationship with another has ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a relationship end – then I am a failure, instead of looking at the practical reality of why it ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the decision within myself to be angry at another within blaming them for being the way they are as the cause/source/origin of why our relationship didn’t work out – instead of taking self responsibility and seeing the reality for real – that is was not aligned because our starting points were not aligned and thus cannot force them to realize anything within themselves, the only power I have is here within and as me to live and walk my process of self change - to ensure I am bringing myself back within the starting of of equality and oneness and considering all life that is here through self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire that another regrets their decision and comes crawling back as a way where I then come out as the winner and being right and him being wrong

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to deliberartly want to punish another by not speaking to them or telling them I don’t want to be their friend as a way to hurt them and exert my blame unto them as being the bad guy

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire the punish another as a way to not take responsibility for myself within our relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another to feel hurt by me saying that I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by another wanting to end our relationship and within this desire for them to feel the same as me – as a way to get back at them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another was my only opportunity to be with another/in a relationship in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fact that I am getting older and thus fear being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not being in relationship’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself exist within spite towards another as a way to protect myself from the feelings I experience of ending the relationship and thus want to prove my power and control by telling them I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough as the reason my relationship with another ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without another, I will never have a relationship in my life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define life and living as being with another person in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence as ‘good’ when I am in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that I am always alone and that if I move to a relationship out of fear of being alone –then it will never be real, as it’s starting point of it’s creation was based on an illusion – that’ I cannot be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to escape reality – where I do not have to face myself and the fear of being alone, and want to avoid having to get to know myself as I focus my attention on the other being in the relationship and our creation as the relationship

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of being alone and the experience of failure for the relationship with another ending – exist within hope that this means there is someone else for me – a being that I can walk with that will be 'better' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking with desteni and believe that this will cause me to never be in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into any relationship in fear of them leaving me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a relationship that I am in and fear that if it ends, that that means I am a failure and not good enough

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am according to the relationship I am in or not in and thus when one ends, define myself as not good enough and define my existence as worthless without one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within ignoring the relationship with myself – seek a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize that my desire for a relationship with another – is my desire for a relationship with myself and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as wanting to be in relationship with myself onto others and when they do not want that – blame them for not wanting to be in relationship with me

I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to be in a relationship with myself as getting to know myself and building self honest, self trust and real intimacy – as I see into myself as the real me and remove that which is the illusion of me

I commit myself to stopping the need/desire for a relationship with another and realize this is me showing me that I am looking for a relationship with myself and thus I commit myself to getting to know myself, becoming intimate with myself in getting to know who I am here, how i have created myself and changing myself into a being that considered all life equal and one as what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the spite that I exist within and as as I realize it created war within and without and thus I commit myself to become a responsible human being through stopping all blame exerted towards others and always bring myself back to self responsibility - in looking at WHO I AM within HOW I LIVE

I commit myself to stopping all fear in realizing it is an illusion I as a creator have created - and thus commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk myself out of the mind and into the physical reality to live in this world where we have the power to change it into what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the addiction to energy as I realize this requires me to be dependent on something outside of myself and within self interest to gain more for myself and thus I commit myself to stopping all addictions and no longer allow myself to be dependent on something outside of me - I breathe, I move, I live, I apply myself and I get this done

[Kristina]

JTL Day 66 - The Lie of "caring what others think" and Committing myself to Life
http://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2012/0 ... think.html


There is resistance to place a blog – because I feel these points are ‘too personal’ and don’t want to expose them to others. Don’t want others to see. I realize it’s me I don’t want to see – and it’s me not wanting to expose myself to myself and so trying to protect the image I created

No – because there is still judgments towards myself for the things I exists within myself in my mind

I don’t want to share it because I am ashamed of it – which obviously indicates self dishonesty. As why would I be ashamed of my inner reality if there wasn’t something that I was hiding, keeping secret, using and abusing others within – if my inner reality reflected that which is best for all – equality and oneness, and common sense practical reality insights – then there would be nothing to hide. Yet there exists still reactions and judgments and back chats about other people and blame and I am ashamed for still having these points. Yet I realize – that to be ashamed of myself or in judgment of myself – does not give me a solution – it only compounds and amplifies the experience I already hold. Because the reactions are about me – yet painted as the picture of another, as a way to abdicate self responsibility. So if I were to see it’s all about me, and not fear others knowing what I am actually experiencing, then it wouldn’t matter – because it would be me – not about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold judgments towards myself for how I exist within myself as the mind, as my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions and my reactions and my perceptions and my beliefs and my ideas and what I Have come to accept as ‘who I am’ as the inner reality of myself – to be ashamed of this ‘me’ and allow resistance to exposing it within blogs direct me. Instead of realizing that within this – I am fearing to a)expose it to myself and b) still giving value to how others see/perceive me – when it does not matter, as that is something I cannot control. I am only able to see who I am here, and have only the power to change myself here. Anything outside of myself , such as how others see me/think of me, is not my responsibility and thus only revealing to me that I am still holding judgments against myself as I see I am projecting these judgments onto others by fearing they are judging me.. LOL – what a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am and yet blame others for judging me through the fear of beliving they will, instead of taking responsibility for all the inner workings of myself wherein I think/believe/perceive that others will judge me for what I share about the nature of myself and the process I am walking to purify myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, back chats, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, memories, through being ashamed of myself as the inner reality I have created –wherein I do not want to take responsibility and instead want to blame others for who they are in stead of revealing to myself who I am and realizing I am equal and one to the ‘outer’ I so conveniently blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound the experience of shame within myself to/towards myself for who I am within myself, as the mind, as all the inner activities of myself, such as thinking thoughts and following memories and participating in reactions and emotions and feelings as energy that drain my physical body, by not taking responsibility for myself with writing, as resisting the process of writing daily and thus accumulate more guilt and shame for not doing that which I know, and have realized for myself, work and is the solution to stopping the inner mess we exist as and so instead of applying the tools I know change me into a being that actually care and is actually here, actually life, allow myself to suppress myself, suppress my experience with not writing and only ignorning it until it becomes a point I can no longer avoid, deny, and this usually is the most painful path

And so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within myself by not writing daily, not exposing me to me daily, and then resist the sharing of myself with others that might find support, as I realize it must be done and still I attempt to deny the reality of myself by not writing, and resisting blogging and so create a point of such conflict that I have to stand up, yet I created the circumstances without having to – as I realize I could have just made the decision to ‘do it’ and ‘get it done’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet absolutely stand equal and one with myself as the mind, as the internal reality that I have up till now existed within and as, through not facing who I am in my day to day living with writing, and thus project this resitance onto others through blaming them for beliving they will judge me as the reason that ‘I cannot’ share – instead of realizing the limitation I am placing onto myself as I am then allowing myself to be dependent upon others, needing their approval for me to express and share and thus limiting me as my expression of myself AS life – instead of standing up and LIVING without worry or concern about what others think, as I must now realize it’s not ‘them’ – it is ME that is judging me

I commit myself to realize that it’s me judging me, not ‘others’ judging ‘me’ and thus commit myself to STOP all judgments of myself and face myself with daily writing, as I have been and to continue to face myself without fear of what I will find, as I realize I will never be able to change myself until I see/face myself and as such, will never be able to change this world, until I can first change myself and thus I commit myself to BE the change I want to be(see) in this world, practically, physically, moment by moment, breath by breath

I commit myself to stopping all resistances to blogging as I see the resistance is fear and the fear is self interest, as I am seeking to make sure I am ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ in the eyes of others, where others will ‘approve’ of me – instead of approving of myself and changing myself in ways that I can live out loud and without shame – which is living within the consideration of what is best for all life, in all ways, with/as/in equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop the accumulation of shame and guilt within myself with not writing/blogging daily as the act of suppression, as ignoring myself here and instead turn and face myself in every moment of breath, and in every day with writing. Being brutally self honest with myself with what exists within me, as all thoughts, all emotions, all feelings, all reactions, all beliefs, all perceptions, all ideas, and remove that which is in separation of me as life

I commit myself to walking the process of the Journey to Life – to writing myself to freedom, to self honesty, to self forgiveness, to self corrective application, to always be me as life as the breath so that I am a being that is here living out loud without shame of who I am and thus equalize my inner reality to be that which is best for all, realizing within this, no dishonesty can exist



I commit myself to stopping and removing all dishonesties that keep me trapped in fear of being exposed and I expose myself to myself. I face myself as the maker of myself and ensure that every moment of judgment day, I will be able to stand in the face of who I am and existence, and have no guilt, or shame.

I commit myself to stopping all self judgments – as I realize this is self sabotage to stop me from facing/changing myself and thus stand equal to me as who I have created myself to be, and push myself to do this until it is something I no longer have to push myself to do, and becomes a living reality of purifying myself to no longer be ashamed of who I am within myself and live as the expression of myself as who I really am, as Life.

[Kristina]

JTL - Day 67 - The Preacher Character


Today I had lunch with a friend. We got together after about a year and a half of not seeing or speaking to each other. I didn’t think it was for any particular reason, yet she did bring up the point of how I was a bit forceful with her about the ‘desteni point’ and that she seemed at some point she had enough. And said that she was glad to see a change in me, wherein I was speaking about how I realize I cannot change anyone, it’s not my responsibility to, I can only live as an example. And so looking at this point, or I should say character – I can see it prominent in my life. More so since I came across the LOA and even into desteni. I would be “this is how it is and you must realize this – see this, realize this” and I would be telling them and telling them without telling myself, and applying it myself and actually living it myself. And I can see while being so busy concerned with whether ‘someone else’ gets it – I miss the point myself – am I getting it? Because I realize that while I’m busy focusing on others, I am deliberately ignoring myself as then I am distracted and reacting to another instead of investigating and seeing myself. So it’s a deliberate character I play – to not have to see, and take responsibility for myself and to ultimately change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the “you must see/realize” character wherein I play the role of being the preacher and preach to others “how they must live” and “how they must be” and “how they must change” instead of realizing the deliberateness of this character in accepting myself to NOT see ME and instead point the finger and attempt to force others to see what it is they are doing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to change others through the words that I speak, as the preacher character that attempt to force others to see what it is they are doing, what it is this world is doing and thus tell them the solutions they must live – instead of taking it back to myself, and LIVING the solution as MYSELF to thus be an example that is clear in how to actually change in this world. By stopping the blaming and pointing of the fingers and focusing on who self is, the me here that lives and breathes every moment, see what is coming up, who I am, whether I am reacting or not, whether I am allowing feelings and emotions to run me ragged – to wake up and be aware of myself in every moment to ensure that I stop the deliberate act of abdicating my responsibility – as I see that is what the world currently exists as, many blaming the ‘other guy’ as the problem and not taking into account our own participation in this world as self accountability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberate in creating this character that attempt to tell others how they must live and what they must believe and what they must change so that I do not have to change – proving to myself that I am not trustworthy and do not live the words that I speak, as I am preaching to others that have eyes that can see I have not change and so what kind of example is that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide in the preacher character of telling others how they must be and how they must change, so that I do not have to be responsible for myself, even though I realize I always am, this character is designed so that I can exist in an illusion where I believe I am ‘doing good’ by telling others how they must be – instead of taking it back to myself and stopping the illusion where I believe I have power and control over others and am responsible for them waking up and see who they are in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this character of preaching to others how they must live/how they must change, seek and find an energetic experience within myself wherein I feel good for what I say and what I share, because I believe “I am powerful” and I know it all – instead of realizing this is all ego that is not taking into consideration the many years of accumulated shit each one has accepted and allowed and thus realize the only way to create effective change – is to walk it and live it myself, breath by breath – not just saying the words, but living the actions and I realize that that is done through breathing, being here, stopping the separation within my mind of seeking validation and energy of the ‘high’ of feeling good and sorting out the mess that’s in the mind that believes I can change others without changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to change without being the change myself

I forgive myself that I Have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that the solution is simple and it is here within and as me – to be the change I want to see in this world, through stopping the mind of self righteousness and getting back to earth, where life is equal and all are one, as we all require the same stuff to exist and are able to without the minds reality of beliefs, knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to spread knowledge and information to others, without living it first as myself – realizing that others will only hear me once I am here, living as me, as what is best for all, as an example

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create the manifested consequences of pushing others away through my attempt to tell them how to be and how to live, without taking this back to myself, to ensure that I am living that which I tell others to live

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others in this life that which I haven’t yet lived for/as myself

I commit myself to be the change I want to see in this world

I commit myself to realize that I cannot change others – I am only able to change myself

I commit myself to changing myself through breathing, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, so that I no longer have to TELL people “what to do” but they can see clearly who I am and what is best for all as the living expression of myself as Life

I commit myself to stopping the addiction to energy wherein I attempt to make myself feel good by being a ‘preacher character’ that has all this knowledge and information for others to live better lives, and bring myself back to living life through stopping the energy highs and lows and remain stable here, as each breath, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow

I commit myself to expect from others only that which I have lived myself

I commit myself to stand within myself in stopping the mind of self righteousness that believe “I know it all” and prove my knowledge to be a solution by living the message

I commit myself to daily writing, and daily self forgiveness, to always live the words I speak that is best for all, “be the change you want to see in this world” – by investigating myself and sorting myself out as I realize this world reflects(the outer) reflects who I am (the inner) and thus I equalize it within walking the Journey to Life and the Desteni Message to once and for all create a world where all live lives equally and no more separation can exist

[Kristina]

JTL Day 68 - Persuading myself with Thoughts
http://www.equalitywalk.blogspot.com/20 ... ghts.html#

I don’t want to write, and the excuses coming up are, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” and “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down” and “I want to go to bed early to ensure I get up early tomorrow and break this habit I have been creating of staying up late and getting up late in the day”

And so seeing these thoughts as persuasive, I almost gave in… yet I wont give up, and I will remove this until only I remain, the I that is here as breath that decided who I am and what I do, and no longer allowing my mind to direct me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing as the back chat of, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” within believing that I am actually too tired to take the time and support myself in writing myself out, to make sure I am clear and direct myself and not being a slave to the mind telling me what to do



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to tempt myself as the back chat of, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” as a way to justify the resistance I have created to writing – I stop this and push myself through the resistance as I type these words and stand clear, breathing here, to sort out this dictatorship of the mind



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being with myself as the words I write, not want to see myself or take responsibility for myself and believing it’s ‘easier’ to not write, instead of realizing it’s the blissful ignorance that I don’t have to change when I clearly see I must change for anything to change, and thus I commit myself to be the change through creating a new habit that is best as writing everyday and stopping the habits that suppress and support abuse in myself and in this world through no longer allowing myself to ‘relax’ when I see it’s my minds way of not having to sit down, look within and see what is here, always keeping it simple



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing within and as the back chat in my mind of, “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down”, instead of stopping the thoughts as the excuses I give myself that I tempt myself with as to not be responsible for who I am and what I allow within myself and thus within this world, I realize that this point will come back again until I direct myself and stop taking direction from the thoughts, and so I stop it in this moment and write myself out



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use a head ache as a reason for why I don’t have to write today, instead of realizing that besides the head ache, that is not very strong, I am perfectly capable of writing here, I just have to get out of my head and be in the physical , as breath, to do the physical act of writing



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind as an alternate reality and a voice in my head that I believe is me, tell me what to do, as the back chat of, “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down” – instead of simply breathing, stopping the thought and going straight to the point that I believe I “don’t want to do” and allow myself to expand through doing that which I resist



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance within myself towards writing as the back chat of, “I want to go to bed early to ensure I get up early tomorrow and break this habit I have been creating of staying up late and getting up late in the day” – allowing this justification to be the reason as to “why I don’t want/have to write”, instead of realizing it is simply me and the mind’s defense mechanism, to not have to see what I am, who I am and what I have allowed within myself, because if I were to see, in self honesty – I would realize the shit that I allow, and as I see in this world revealing the reflection of myself – and so I stop the justification and stand here, breathing, writing, and no longer allowing any excuse within myself when the physical reality shows that I can, and am able and thus I move



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in thoughts that tell me “I can’t” and “ill do it later” and “tomorrow will be better” – when I have in fact seen where this path goes, and I refuse to allow this of myself, no more, it stops here. I push through, I breathe, and I see the thoughts for what they are – my prison that keeps me confined to ‘stay the same’ and to not change and not see how I am able to be the solution I have been seeking, realizing… I am Here.



I commit myself to taking absolute responsibility for myself here, as life, as an equal participant in creating and sustaining what this world currently is, and so I commit myself to write myself out each day, to sit with myself in support of myself, to create self trust in myself, trusting that I will be responsible for the abuse in this world as I become responsible for the abuse I allow in my internal world, and thus commit to be the change, from the inside out, with writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, breathing and corrective application - the actual Journey to Life - purifying ourselves in each moment



I commit myself to stop all justifications, excuses, reasons and manipulative tactics of myself to keep me from seeing me, within me, as who I am as the mind, as the thoughts, as the characters, as the personalities that have all been programmed into me as 'who I am' through the generations that have gone before - I stop and question all of it and find it's origin in my life, and remove the point to ensure that I am here no longer perpetuating the sins of the fathers



I commit myself to realizing that no thought justifying a reason to not write is ever valid, as I see the thought always direct the physical reality - when in fact the physical is the key - the real reality and so I stand equal as the director of myself as a physical being in this physical reality to physically write myself, see myself, get to know myself everyday

[Kristina]

JTL - Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
http://www.equalitywalk.blogspot.com/20 ... dict.html#

All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope, waiting for their chance to be the ‘big winner’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the possibility of finding love in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life based on relationships with others



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to so utterly ignore myself and the relationship with myself that I Have become desperate in ‘finding’ a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to realize that that which I seek in another – I have not yet realized/lived/gifted to myself... more so, I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to LIVE the realization that that which I seek from another, I am seeking from myself and thus commit myself to giving to myself that which I beLIEve I can only find in another - realizing EVERYTHING in this world is in REVERSE.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the hope of finding someone I can be in a relationship with and believe I will live ‘happily ever after’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept and never question the fairytale stories that were told to me by adults, about finding someone to be in love with and believing that that is the purpose of life – instead of investigating for myself what Life is in fact and realize that life is not currently here in this world, and the pretty picture is just a cover up for the undignified existence we have become



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the current state of the world that says, “find your bliss” and “follow your dreams” and “pursue your happiness” – instead of seeing the truth of this as being a self interest human that does not take into consideration what this world is actually showing, all the systems, all the relationships, all the religions, all the cultures, all the war, the poverty, the abuse, the suffering… showing us our seeking for ‘fullfillment” implies we have not fulfilled our life here on earth – we have allowed it to be destroyed, and keep destroying it when it is not questioned, challenged and CHANGED



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use relationship as a means in which I believe I can find my happiness, implying that I am not capable of being happy here with me, not even considering that until all of humanity is happy as being supported equally to live – happiness does not exist in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a drug in which I have become addicted, where I seek the next high to get me buzzed with the ‘feeling’ of love, instead of realizing it’s energy – that I consume from my physical body to feed the mental reality of ‘feeling good’… instead of taking a breath and looking at the truth of myself, and the truth of this world.. and stopping the seeking outside of myself and once and for all – realize myself here



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about feelings projected another another being



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to wait within my life in CONtentment, seeking the next thing that will keep me satisfied in complacency, where I can pretend that “life is good” because I am cared for, and loved by another and as I have all my basic needs met, I beLIEve I am thus free of any responsibility for the whole of humanity that suffers from the imaginary dream world we all participate in



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time seeking something outside of me, such as relationships, instead of realizing the only relationship I am looking for is with me – is ME HERE.. and once I have the relationship with myself sorted out – then and ONLY then will I have a real substantial relationship with another – where I am no longer expecting them to give to me that which I can only give to myself and I am able to thus give of myself unconditionally, as I am then giving myself all that I need and so would not expect anything in return within self interest, only an equal participant in creating a world that is best for all



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find the meaning and purpose of my life in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being in a relaitnship with another is the only way I can have joy in this life



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the desire for relationship so much so that when I am not in a relationship – I am kept busy within myself with thoughts about being in a relationship and thus not satisfied with myself, here, in my life currently, as I am breathing… not taking the breath as me as that which is really alive, my physical body… stopping for just a moment to see, hear, be here.. and realize… life is joy, I am joy and once I am able to be here as joy, as it’s real within this physical reality, I will no longer seek life outside of me, I will be life, living every breath I take



I commit myself to stopping all desire and addiction to relationships outside of myself and live the realization that the only relationship I seek is the one with me - in getting to know myself, who I am really, and doing that through committing myself to daily writing, breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness, until I give of myself so that my cup is full and no longer exist within wants, needs and desires separate and outside of myself here