Blog link: http://livingequality.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/spite/
Something which has repeatedly come up within me lately is spite. I find myself just sitting there trying to shoot spiteful daggers into people I’ve never met. My entire reality has been set up so that I can blame others for imposing their fuckedness upon me. Too fucked up to take care of myself, I moved in with my parents and now have the convenient excuse that because they are not self-responsible it is making it difficult/impossible for me to be self-responsible.
What I really need is help. I have betrayed myself for so long that the accumulated consequences are impossible for me to handle on my own. I’ve no measuring stick against which I can judge my experience to see where I’ve gone wrong and what I can do about it. So instead I sit here on the computer being spiteful of others. Creating mind-realities where I blame them for manipulating me when it is only me who has been manipulating me this whole time.
The old me used to whitewash myself with love and light and would have told myself that I am beyond spite but this is not true. I am spiteful- I am spite manifested. My entire life is one spiteful fuck up and I want someone else to show me how to have a better experience. Victim mentality 101- I wrote the book.
Why do I spite people? Well, in self-honesty, it is residual. My spite was created when my pursuit of a self-interested lifestyle was foiled and I was left to fact the stark reality of what it means to be alive. I went from partying on my college fund to dropping out of school and having to support myself and I just didn’t want to let go of the image of myself as a blessed partier-personality. Yet there it was, a challenge from the universe: Can you even support yourself? Can you even walk on your own two feet and be a dignified person in this world?
So I’ve been in and out of homelessness and my parents’ basement, lugging around my abusive addictive tendencies, clinging to a memory of a time when everything was better. Learning about the equal money system has shown me that the reason why my attempt to recreate this extravagant experience for myself can never succeed is because I want to be special. I want others to recognize me as this love-warrior who just so happens to take lots of drugs and party too much.
Hmm, I could blame others for not showing me the way to live- my parents, society, my friends- why did you all choose wrong like me? Or, I could drop my notions of uniqueness which were- besides being formed within a rigged game in which I had enough money to indulge- just plain out-of-touch with reality. What would be left?
So what I fear is that I am not special. What I fear is a fear that has been with my family possibly for generations and it started with me and my parents in childhood. We feared being rejected by our parents? Why would this have been so bad? Well, within the economic system we were born into, money determines one’s survival. So as children we were required to do things- manipulative, dishonest things- in order to stay on our parents’ good side. This was because they controlled the money.
Perhaps the conditioning started before I was even capable of understanding this. Maybe it happened when I was a baby and I had to struggle to get my mother’s attention so that my needs were taken care of. This was required because she was living in an economic system that failed to offer her unconditional support during her child-raising years so the common factors of anxiety and stress existed.
After that, money became the tool with which she controlled me to make me into an effective manipulator myself. If I didn’t obey her commands to conform to the social paradigm of competition, my chances of getting that candy or allowance were taken away. This pattern of needing to appease my parents continues to this day.
While it is my own false creation, I’ve felt compelled to appease my mother’s skewed sense of socializing- making nice with her to curry her favor. Even still this is because she controls the money. So I am spiteful. I am angry because I’ve convinced myself that we can’t have a relationship based upon trust and mutual exploration within what is best for each of us. We keep repeating patterns of self-imposed limitation where she is doing her best as a capitalist mother to socialize me, make me play the game, and I am doing my best to manipulate her in turn to give me money/things without being too affected by her.
Rather than having an effective communication about this and working through the points which keep ourselves in separation even while we interact, we keep secret thoughts and spiteful wishes about each other. Each one of us wants the other to change- but the fact of the matter remains that change must come first from each of us and also according to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a large gap between myself and my mother and that it is ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’ for us to reconcile our differences and make peace.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into spite-mode because I created the perception within myself that my mother is not doing enough to meet me in the middle.
Instead of attempting to operate on the same old paradigm of trying to fit our relationship into the economic system, I can dare to be radical and settle for nothing less than an effective relationship whose value is not in how well it functions to manipulate others but in the daily living of it- the real interactions that occur.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cling to creating a ‘smart’ relationship based upon selfishness- and then getting upset when the other person doesn’t get it= fails me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a narrow conception of a relationship, locking people into comfortable categories so that I can readily exploit their weaknesses should it come down to that.
I choose to create myself within and as stability so that I can support myself within this current economic environment. This will eliminate the awkwardness that gets in the way of real relationships. Instead of projecting my fear of dying/not having enough money/ wanting to have a more-than experience on others- and then perceiving that projection as their failure, I can take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek perfectionism within my relationships because I believe myself to see how it all is and how me and mine could win this money casino game.
Rather than seek out willing accomplices I can seek out self-supporting co-creators interested in absolute equality. No longer will I do what I hate in my mother which is attempt to control the people in my environment because I haven’t worked at the root of my fear. No longer will I require a limited perfection- I require self-perfection from myself and surrender to the fact that only within the moment does life happen. No holding back within secret subconscious manipulation patterns. Life.