never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Share questions and perspectives on parenting here
Marlen
Posts: 4121
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 17 Oct 2014, 00:01

Cool to read you John! and glad you are in a more stable position at the moment. The best right move would be get yourself in a stable financial position for your own well being and your son's. It's coo you keep reading us around as that's what is definitely supportive at all times and I agree with what Anna says: write more often as that's also a supportive way to see which new steps you can take in your life and support yourself and your son.


Thanks for sharing and looking forward to reading more from you

And here's a very cool blog by Anna I suggest reading as well: http://annabrixthomsen.com/2014/10/15/s ... nd-washes/



User avatar
John Grunzweig
Posts: 45
Joined: 16 Jul 2011, 00:47
Location: Baltimore MD USA

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 17 Oct 2014, 00:07

So I guess now I can get to some of the thing I haven't gotten to. Namely,my biggest fear as per, Anna's suggestion. This is were it becomes difficult. I guess if I wanted easy I would go to one of those anti desteni forums :roll:

So my biggest fear at this point is her untimely death.she is in jail at the moment so her suicide is on hold for now.
So what about her death do I fear. This is tough because I don't like thinking about it. Pattern recognition is how I predict her death. That and I know her. She attempted suicide mor than once and I know it was not just for attention. Things have gone from bad to worse for her as I have taken her son 500miles away from her. I did not want to but I didn't have any other options. I have to look out for him first and being homeless in a drug infested ghetto is no life for a two year old. She is more depressed than ever. I wish I could do something but I can not. Her life style is not what many may think. Many think you jus party every day then you overdose and die I can assure you this is not the case. Party is the wrong word for it. It is a living hell 24-7 she has been in and out of jail, gotten her ass kicked nearly once a week. She has been raped mor than once. She seldom sleeps. When she does she has to worry about perverts sexualy assaulting her. Perform some of the most discusting acts with the most discusting people to get the shit. One has to wonder why anyone would ever do this to them selves.

I care about her. She was my best friend. I can't stand to see her suffering this way but I'll miss her if she dies and I dont know how I will handel it. I don't know how I will even know when it happens. I may not find out for months after. She has know one. Her family has turned their backs on her. I need help with this one I don't know how to deconstruct the way it makes me feel. I just know it fucken sucks



Marlen
Posts: 4121
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 17 Oct 2014, 00:32

Well John, it does suck to see someone you ‘loved’ to be in such a position, however what I had to realize whenever I would panic about my best friend trying to kill himself or O.D. or whatever is that no matter how much ‘I cared for him,’ he actually wasn’t doing the same for himself. So it took a wake up call from another’s words to see how much I was in fact worrying and trying to ‘wake another up’ and essentially ‘save him’ to see how in doing that I was in fact not living my own life and supporting myself, but being like the ‘hopeless’ companionship that also ‘could not understand why he could do this to himself.’

If there’s something I’ve gotten very clear from walking this process is that one has to actually walk the process of letting go of another that is not willing to support themselves and even more so that accepts and allows such levels of self abuse in their lives. In the mind there is no common sense, there is no reasoning for self support, that’s why it can get so out of hand as it is the case here. You here then have to actually recognize that you were together as well and how within that relationship there must have been a point where you knew this could happen, and here you have to be brutally self-honest and find the actual reasons that lead you to be in that relationship and all the series of decisions that you took up until it got really bad and you have to leave her. This will most certainly as you know not going to be a merry-go-round process, however it will enable you to start establishing some clarity and to be willing to actually let go of her and the worry/uncertainty you are creating over her situation at the moment.

I mean, if she was willing to support herself and you were turning your back on her, then sure you could say ok John, wtf? You can support both of yourselves together – but that’s not the case at all, and here is where the point that has to be disbanded is the feelings toward her, to self-forgive the experiences you are creating about her current life and state of being and to understand that yes in the mind, while being addicted to an experience to the point of being possessed by it, where her life, her son and her partner do not matter anymore, you cannot really expect that all of a sudden things change for the better. As you might know from the years and Desteni material and explanations: we do create our life and outcomes based on our acceptances and allowances, we do have every moment an ability to choose what we want to do with our lives and we do know when we ‘go for the ride’ so to speak and do not measure the consequences, but only get the hit once it becomes unbearable to keep hiding from.

I understand that addictions is like being in hell, however an addiction is not a virus that attacks you overnight, it is a self-created process of abuse over time, so in this what I suggest is then writing out first the experiences of worry, concern or any other emotion or feeling that exists within you toward her, while adding the realizations of how she is living the consequences of her decisions, and how there is really no point in having any form of hope or respect or even care for another that is not willing to care and support themselves back. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s the only ‘knock on the head’ that made me realize how much I was actually extinguishing my on existence based on the worry I created upon others in my life and trying to ‘be their nurse’ so to speak – not recommended at all.

Through that, what I instead got to learn is to rather focus on myself, to stop worrying about their suicidal or OD trips and instead focus on me, living myself, supporting myself, ensuring I do not in any way follow their steps, to get myself on a supportive track and even more so in your position with a child, man, you have a real living purpose there to get up, get back on track, support you and ensure that you can in fact create the life that you know we all here are also working on to create for ourselves and each other.

So, that is what I suggest and there’s nothing else I would suggest doing but to start doing so within the context of walking DIP Lite, I mean, why waiting for ‘something else’ when you’ve read for years now and seen the actual potential of change that exists within each one of us? So, if you really have the intention to stand up and support you, don’t think about it, just do it and start supporting you as that is what will genuinely be a structure, a guideline to start walking this and many other points that you can benefit from ‘straightening’ in your life.



User avatar
John Grunzweig
Posts: 45
Joined: 16 Jul 2011, 00:47
Location: Baltimore MD USA

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 17 Oct 2014, 03:28

Thank you Marlen. I am starting a new thread as I signed up for DIP. It would be great if you or Anna or Bella could be my 'buddy' on that. If that is not possible, I understand. I am not playing favorates . I have just became comfortable with you all over the years. If not I'm sure you will give me some one qualified. They will need to be as I am a real "basketcase "
I hope I'm ready to have my mind cut open and spread out on the table :?



Marlen
Posts: 4121
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 17 Oct 2014, 04:28

Hey John, cool you're taking that first step! Remember it's the DIP Lite which is the free course http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

And yes the system is random so we cannot guarantee on that, however I'm glad you are up for starting it. It's about time for sure and no worries, nothing to fear either. You decide how much you open up as well so, as always there's the forum as secondary platform too.

So.... enjoy!



User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3724
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
Contact:

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Anna » 17 Oct 2014, 07:02

Awesome John!

And very cool support here Marlen.

Something that I've found supportive in addition to what Marlen said, when it comes to these impossible situations where we see tremendous abuse and suffering, in our personal lives or in the lives of others, where there's simply nothing we can do to change it, is to realize that it is not personal. What I mean is that her situation is indicative of the world we've created for ourselves; the despair, the brutality, the hopelessness of it all. So what she's going through and what you're experiencing is not only the personal feelings of a loved one being 'lost' and 'out of reach' to be helped, but also a point of facing what this world as a whole has become. That experience of seeing that 'this is not how it should be' and 'I should be able to help/do something' is therefore also not only existent on a personal level towards this particular relationship but in fact showing us the position we've placed ourselves in on this earth, where we know in awareness that 'this is not how it should be' - but have to face the fact that this is the world we're currently living in.

So in way, you could say that her misery and your experience of desperation towards not being able to do anything about it, is a reflection of our existential relationship with ourselves on this planet. What this means is that we start to see that personal suffering is an outflow consequence of an entire system - and that this is not in any way how we want to live. In a 'perfect' world, no one would have to go through such experiences, and even if they do, there would be a system of support (not leaning on the shoulders of one person without resources to do anything). But this is not a 'perfect' world.

So it's like you're seeing the brutal reality of the situation and at the same time the ideal solution, which unfortunately most likely isn't possible in this situation. However - it also means that we can then see how important it is to change the world; for people to become equipped at a personal level to deal with what goes on inside of them, so that they don't have to turn to drug addiction to numb themselves or to suicide to escape, that support is available for anyone that can't help themselves, that money is not something that gives us control over others and where a lack of money means we have to compromise ourselves to survive.

In many cases, there's little we can do to change an unacceptable situation right here and now - but what we can do is to walk a process to make sure that no one ever has to go through that misery again, that our children do not have to grow up and end up in the exact same situation of abuse and suffering. We do that first and foremost by walking our own processes, by becoming examples of what it means to live commonsensically in a way that's best for all. Because as long as we're disempowered within ourselves, we can't assist others. Therefore, empowering yourself through walking your process as well as through stabilizing your practical reality, is the best possible way you can assist someone else. Like Bernard once said and I think I've mentioned this to you before: "When you are Best for You, you are Best for All."

And then on a structural level, we work on creating and implementing a new system, where we stand together to support each other and where money is something that's guaranteed for all and therefore cannot be abused. That's what we're doing with the Equal Life Foundation and the Living Income Guaranteed proposal

So while you're walking your personal process through this relationship and the experiences you've created in relation to it, you can also remind yourself that it's not just this situation as an isolated case that's the problem, but that its actually something we're facing together in the world as a whole - and to then apply a solution for yourself accordingly where, you cannot save your ex - but you can participate in creating a world where no one ever has to go through something like that again, starting with the empowerment of yourself.



Marlen
Posts: 4121
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:16
Contact:

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 18 Oct 2014, 23:33

Well said Anna, definitely everything and everyone is facing consequences of all of these aspects, so, great that you brought up this holistic perspective or our personal experiences.

Thanks!



User avatar
Terrone28
Posts: 37
Joined: 21 Nov 2014, 08:55

Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Terrone28 » 22 Nov 2014, 05:34

As they say, kids are blessings. And you are blessed that you have a boy. And I think you'll be a good father for him and would want what's the best for him. I just wish you good luck. Take care of him.
I wanna have one someday. :)




Return to “Parenting Support”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron