well, i guess for now i will contue bloging from here for now. my fear has toned down a bit as i have come to terms with my place in life. i have applied for assistance and am doing a lot of waiting. as far as my sons mother goes, she has not even called to see how her son is doing..i forgive my self that i have aloud my self to be abused by her. i do worrie about her as she has allmost killed her self more than once. i admit that i miss her. when i am alone i cry alot. i wish it was as simple as forgiving and taking her back. when someone goes out of theyer way to proove they can not be trusted, what can you do? i need stability! its hard to imagin being with anyone els my son seems to have allmost forgoten her. he dosent say mom any more he doesnt respond to the word mom any more long term memory develops at age 3 he is only one. it breaks my heart. mabe its better that way. assholes in my family call him "niglet" and "oboma" because he is mixed. my grandmother treats him like shit. is it because he is half black or because he is her child. what does it matter. he is more alive than any of those walking dead fuckers. he is all the family i have for real.
this shit hurts for so many reasons
With regards to not having the mother of your son in your life anymore, I recommend the following interview by the Atlanteans about the sadness that one can experience when a relationship ends. Sadness: When Relationships End - Atlanteans - Part 103
It's definitely an important point to walk through so as to stabilize yourself to be able to be here fully for your son.
With regards to your family being abusive towards your child, I suggest to get him out of that environment if possible, because that is certainly not supportive for a child's process of development and it is also not supportive for you in the situation that you're in where what is important right now is stability. I understand that your financial situation might not allow you to do that at the moment - so if you have anyone in your life who might be able to assist in some way that would be cool to do and otherwise simply continue the process of stabilizing your situation so that you can eventually stand on your own two feet with your son.
If you have no choice but to stay with your family, then my suggestion is to focus on not reacting if they are abusive, but to instead keep the situation stable to prevent any further conflict and focus on your own process. This obviously doesn't mean that you should then take the abuse or let your son take it - but simply that your primary focus is the two of you.
A point I also suggest to consider is that you ARE able to get out of this situation and you are create a supportive life for yourself and your son. It will take a process of focus where you keep your 'eye on the ball' in terms of making sure that you don't preoccupy yourself with things, thoughts and experiences that aren't relevant for you supporting and stabilizing yourself. So that's the starting-point that I suggest you place yourself within and as. And then also utilize the support here on the forum, to write yourself out. Whenever you experience yourself becoming unstable, write it out, apply self-forgiveness so that you can return to your daily life and continue walking your process.