never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

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Bella
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Bella » 08 May 2014, 17:55

Hi John!

Thanks for sharing your life experiance.

Cool to see/read that you took the necessary steps to Support and stabilize yourself and your situation and now have a place to live for you and your child!

Definatly cool support and assistance you got here. Stay strong and Keep us updated!
yep, agreed - and good to hear from you John!



Marlen
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 08 May 2014, 22:09

Thanks for sharing your update, John. Here I agree with what Anna has shared in relation to your son, I bet it would be more detrimental to him to be living with a mother that is not entirely healthy mentally or physically. So here if I was in your shoes, I would rather focus on myself as a father to support me to be stable enough mentally, physically (financially) to be able to provide him the stability, the support he requires because parents affect children greatly with their emotional participation, and so I would actually suggest you take the time to understand this if you truly want to be a stable point for son, which will imply you being that point of support that you'd want for yourself if you were your son too.

You can listen to the first 5 chapters entirely free here: https://eqafe.com/series/33-parenting-p ... human-race

Therefore in short: I suggest focusing on your own stability in all aspects so that no matter if the mother is not there, you can be that point of support and stability for your son in all aspects - if you are sad, your child picks it up without even being able to comprehend 'why' and so create detrimental consequences to him without him even understanding what's going on. That's the best thing you can do as a father now

And here's a blog I wrote on this too: http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.co ... parenting/

Keep us updated



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 14 Jul 2014, 07:19

so, i am still surviving. my son is doing well. we have visited his mother a few times. she tallks about cleaning up but ddoes nothing to do so. i do understand this is supose to be about me not her but she is the isue in my head.

i get the fact that i can not fix her. i have trouble with telling her we will not ever be togather again. i dont want her to feeelll she has nothhing left to loook forword to. i care about her. i wish i didnt.

i was talking with her and i said "i wish i could forget about you and move on but i can't stop thinking about you all the time. its a bit of an obsession. i have a problem." she responded with " i love you too". i realised in that moment, that what we call love is nothing short of a mental illness. love and god are the adictions people have the most trouble with letting go of.

i spend much time thinking about the "big picture", desteni, how the human mind works, and all that goes with that.
it helps as a distraction.

i will admit seeing her is only part of why i go into the "hood". i also find it to be interesting place (not in a good way nesessarly)
their is a lot of money and energy moning around. a very busey place. interesting that so much of the money going to the drug cartells is coming from the poorest places in the united states. i have seen how this is actualy possable. its been educational to say the least. i am also learning to empathise not just with her but with all of them. they are stuck in a trap and ignorance is what keeps them traped. they dont own the boats and planes that bring the shit in. the money that goes into the hood goes out just as fast as it go in. that is by desighn. its just another part of that system benard always spoke of. money and "self"gratification being the driving force.

i have learned from the past not to try to fix people. i have forgiven my self for being so arogant as to thinki i am qualified to do so. people ask "arent you afraid going into such a dangerous part of town?" I actualy get a lot of respect. probrably because of having a child with me. but when you stand as one and equal to even the "lowest crackhead"or the biggest doap dealing gangstar without any judgements in your mind, you will impact far more people than looking down, beating them over the head with the idea of change. real love comes in the form of equality and oneness. the colective pain within this city is so saddening to me



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Anna
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Anna » 14 Jul 2014, 09:14

so, i am still surviving. my son is doing well.
Very glad to hear that John!
we have visited his mother a few times. she tallks about cleaning up but ddoes nothing to do so. i do understand this is supose to be about me not her but she is the isue in my head.

i get the fact that i can not fix her. i have trouble with telling her we will not ever be togather again. i dont want her to feeelll she has nothhing left to loook forword to. i care about her. i wish i didnt.

i was talking with her and i said "i wish i could forget about you and move on but i can't stop thinking about you all the time. its a bit of an obsession. i have a problem." she responded with " i love you too".
It makes sense that there is a bond with someone when they are the mother of your child and it is not like "it's forbidden to have feelings for her". The problem with people who are extensively addicted, and it doesn't really matter what the addiction is, is that it is the addiction that rules the person, which means that they can make decisions without considering the consequences because the addiction is all that matters. But obviously that is not all she is and there's certainly nothing wrong with caring for her. From my perspective I'd look at it more in the context of looking at the consequences, practically speaking; Is it safe for your son to be around her? Is it safe for you? Is there any possibility that she can get out of her addiction? Can you help her or not? If not, then is it possible for her son to have a relationship with her without it being compromising (and potentially dangerous) to him? So yes, I'd say that the key point here is to look at the situation practically - and I definitely suggest to walk a self-forgiveness process on the experiences that comes up within you in relation to her, so that you can release the obsession on a mental level and more clearly be able to asses the situation.
i realised in that moment, that what we call love is nothing short of a mental illness. love and god are the adictions people have the most trouble with letting go of.
Cool realization! Something that you could also look into in relation to this is: what is it that this woman represents to you in your mind? Like for example if it is the idea of 'warmth' and 'intimacy' or 'someone to connect with' - you can look at how you can establish and integrate those aspects into your own life and into your relationship with yourself.
i spend much time thinking about the "big picture", desteni, how the human mind works, and all that goes with that.
it helps as a distraction.
That's very cool. Educating yourself on how the mind works is an important part of the process of being able to effectively assess a situation - including what's going on inside of you - so that you can make the decisions that are best for you, your son, and his mother.
i will admit seeing her is only part of why i go into the "hood". i also find it to be interesting place (not in a good way nesessarly)
their is a lot of money and energy moning around. a very busey place. interesting that so much of the money going to the drug cartells is coming from the poorest places in the united states. i have seen how this is actualy possable. its been educational to say the least. i am also learning to empathise not just with her but with all of them. they are stuck in a trap and ignorance is what keeps them traped. they dont own the boats and planes that bring the shit in. the money that goes into the hood goes out just as fast as it go in. that is by desighn. its just another part of that system benard always spoke of. money and "self"gratification being the driving force.

i have learned from the past not to try to fix people. i have forgiven my self for being so arogant as to thinki i am qualified to do so. people ask "arent you afraid going into such a dangerous part of town?" I actualy get a lot of respect. probrably because of having a child with me. but when you stand as one and equal to even the "lowest crackhead"or the biggest doap dealing gangstar without any judgements in your mind, you will impact far more people than looking down, beating them over the head with the idea of change. real love comes in the form of equality and oneness. the colective pain within this city is so saddening to me
That is interesting. I've actually lived in an area similar to what you're describing and from people outside looking in, the environment looked very dangerous and to some extent it also was, but obviously there was also a lot of other things going on, and despite the 'danger' it is still real people. I'm not sure however it is an environment I would bring a child into. Something in addition that you could also look at here is what the 'hood' from this perspective represent to you, like for instance if it represents 'adventure' this is again something you could look at how to integrate into your own life and to make sure that you're not 'playing with fire' from the perspective of seeking a dangerous environment to get a thrill for example. So again - it's about assessing the situation practically.

Thanks for sharing.



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 19 Jul 2014, 06:13

thanks Anna, and everyone els on here helping.

so to continue i guess i will address my feelings for her. my biggest fear is her premature death and how i will handel that emotionaly. she has had two near death experiences since i started this thread. im allready strugeling to not become posessed by my emotions. anger, frustration and most of all saddness.

With in all this i am having trouble figuring out the proper way to handel her. she must think im bipolor. i go from nice to being very nasy in seconds. this is based on how delusional she is being and how truthful she is being. when i say nasty, what i mean is, brutaly honest even if its painful to hear. is it not the most loving thing we can do for one another. she takes it as me being spitefull. im just trying to get her to face what is here.

Anna, you say "its not wrong to have feelings for her"his is were i am a little confused. i have been treating my emotion as a disease and at times trying to turn it off completely.i guess i have viewed emotion as a bit of a weekness while at the same time i have noticed somthing interesting...

the more pain i feel inside the more clearly i can see what is really going on. ihe more i partisapate in this forum. its almost as if when things are goinng good for me, i go into a point of denial or an unwillingness to face what is real

as im typing this i am realising a point of selfishness on my part. as if i dont care untill it affects me. this change the world mentality is a bit new to me. t was raised thinking, yeah shits fucked up, i probrably added to the mess. just let jesus clean it up LOL as this is the typical american christian mindset. i forgive my self for not taking responsability for my own shit and not seeing that what is here in this physical life is what is most important. it just makes sence. my motives for supporting equality and whats best for all, is a bit selfish.mabe (and i mean it in the nicest way) Desteni is selfishness perfected. i hope that doesent offend anyone though i suppose that will depend on howyou define the word "self" i'm still in school on that one



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Anna
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Anna » 19 Jul 2014, 15:45

thanks Anna, and everyone els on here helping.

so to continue i guess i will address my feelings for her. my biggest fear is her premature death and how i will handel that emotionaly. she has had two near death experiences since i started this thread. im allready strugeling to not become posessed by my emotions. anger, frustration and most of all saddness.
What I suggest doing here is to go deeper into what exactly it is that you fear, for example about her dying. What is behind that fear? I suggest to commit yourself to start writing yourself out in more depth and detail, because if you don't start deconstructing and investigating in self-honesty what's underneath all these emotional experiences, it gets more difficult to stop and the more one allows oneself to participate, the more the emotions intensify and escalate.
With in all this i am having trouble figuring out the proper way to handel her. she must think im bipolor. i go from nice to being very nasy in seconds. this is based on how delusional she is being and how truthful she is being. when i say nasty, what i mean is, brutaly honest even if its painful to hear. is it not the most loving thing we can do for one another. she takes it as me being spitefull. im just trying to get her to face what is here.
Obviously sometimes its necessary to speak frankly and directly to another - so suggest to check for yourself in self-honesty where there's any reactive/emotional movement within you or whether you are in fact speaking from a starting point of support. Something to consider here is that when you are reacting in any way emotionally, it is not because of what someone else do or don't do, because the reaction is coming from within you and so you're creating it. Writing is again one of the best tools one can utilize to stabilize oneself and prevent oneself from having those moments of 'exploding' or being 'nasty' towards others.
Anna, you say "its not wrong to have feelings for her"his is were i am a little confused. i have been treating my emotion as a disease and at times trying to turn it off completely.i guess i have viewed emotion as a bit of a weekness while at the same time i have noticed somthing interesting...
When we say that something is 'wrong' or 'bad' we tend to do so from a starting-point of morality. The problem with morality is that it's not real, which is why people will do things that they 'know' are morally 'wrong' - so morality is like a social set of rules that we claim to follow that's suppose to 'guide' our decisions, but because there's an entire secret mind operating from underneath, it doesn't really matter what's 'wrong' or 'right'. So what we're looking at from a Destonian perspective is the following: What is the starting-point of 'feelings' for example? Who am I within it? What are the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to guide myself based on feelings? See? So there's a vast difference between a 'moral rule' in society of something being 'wrong' - where the being then in their secret mind just do whatever they want and then investigating something in self-honesty and practicality for oneself - within taking self-responsibility for oneself in and as it. So here, what you can do is to get to understand emotions and feelings. Where do they come from? How are they created? Who am I within them? What are the consequences of me making decisions based on emotions and feelings? From there you can then actually make an informed and self-directive decision about what you will accept and allow yourself to participate within and what not.

However - if you simply follow what someone else says (or what you think/believe they say) like the idea that "feelings are wrong" - but you haven't actually made a directive decision in yourself based on understanding why it is not supportive to make decisions based on feelings - you're going to create inner conflict and friction within yourself, because you'll be having two opposing 'operating systems' telling you what to do. So we can't simply 'shun' emotions or feelings, like pushing it away. Because it's still a part of us. And if is a part of you that's overriding commonsense from 'underneath' - then that's where you keep making decisions based on feelings, no matter how hard you try not to. So - gotta sort that relationship out and ask yourself in self-honesty: what is my starting-point? Who am I here? What belief-systems are overriding common sense in this moment? What would common sense even be in this situation?
as im typing this i am realising a point of selfishness on my part. as if i dont care untill it affects me. this change the world mentality is a bit new to me. t was raised thinking, yeah shits fucked up, i probrably added to the mess. just let jesus clean it up LOL as this is the typical american christian mindset. i forgive my self for not taking responsability for my own shit and not seeing that what is here in this physical life is what is most important. it just makes sence. my motives for supporting equality and whats best for all, is a bit selfish.mabe (and i mean it in the nicest way) Desteni is selfishness perfected. i hope that doesent offend anyone though i suppose that will depend on howyou define the word "self" i'm still in school on that one
Cool realizations John. So then the question is: what are you going to now do with this realization?



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sandymac
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby sandymac » 25 Aug 2014, 01:04

Hey John
I recall Bernard saying it is better to respect another than love another, as ideas and words like 'love' have been so abused and misused over the years. Also there is so much energy in the form of excitement and drama and highs and lows associated with falling in love, lacking any real substance, stability, commitment, and care. For me, I discovered after heartbreak when my husband and I split up, that I was not so much in love with him as I was obsessed with him, lol. Like, I need him, desperately, he couldn't leave, I'd just die! And it felt like a death, but with every end is a beginning and I had to face myself alone (all one) and over time I grew, I was actually free to break out of a box I had put myself in.

It's not that one should not care for others but that in the caring we don't require all the energy of intense emotions and feelings rather love should be steady and stable.
It is these very drama's about love-highs and lows- that lead us into depression, and then we reach for something to make us 'feel better', an escape from how crap our minds tell us everything is. As you know this can lead to addiction. It did for me as well. I drank alcoholically for 10 years. Beware, addiction is tricky, I'm sure you already know, your mind will tell you all sorts of lies that it is ok this one time, 'oh, I havnt' used in a few months, I actually don't think I was that bad/an addict, I really exaggerated, I'll just enjoy some tonight, I won't do it again/go overboard' kind of thing. Get lots of support, I personally would not go to places where there was alcohol/drugs, it's very tempting 'If you sit at the bar long enough, eventually you're gonna have a drink'. I realize it was not alcohol you were speaking of but best to stay away from all 'mind altering' substances (perhaps you have no problem with a few drinks per week, just sayin).

Hang in there, I was a single parent as well and had no money. I did receive some child support which helped alot of course. It was a rough go BUT slowly over the days, months, years things improved. Children do grow up, the time does pass and as they age it gets a little easier in many ways.

The main thing I would share with you is: each day DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING, you know what the right thing is when it comes to raising your son. When you are tempted to go down the wrong path, pull yourself back. You can never turn back the clock, this is your life and your sons life now, you do not want to live with regret, you want to be an example for your son and give him all you've got. It will be worth it. Today I have a stable life and cool relationship with my adult children.



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 16 Oct 2014, 17:17

Thanks Ms.SanyMac. "do the next right thing" that is just what I did. Much has happened since I was on last. Don't ever think that just because I have not been on for a while that I am lying in an alley with a needle in my arm. Things got crazy for me. At the end of July we (my son and I)lost our place to live. We bounced around for the next six weeks. There was no shortage of volchers willing to "help" after a series of desperate moves, I found my self assed out with very little money to feed my son with. I paid rent to three different people and still had no place to stay. One asshole thought he was going to keep my son, like some kind of novelty or a puppy he can give to his girlfriend. I had to call the police to get him back. They all most didn't do anything because I didn't have my custody papers meaning they would have just left my kid with these idiots who are no relation to him. What the hell are cops good for? I ask my self that every time I need them for something. I got my kid back and decided I had enough of being fed on by the walking dead. I did the next right thing, I called my sister. She said I could move in with her in Baltimore so here I am. ;)

So every so often, I have dreams about desteni. This one dream took place at some kind of state park I introduced my sister to Sunette as though, t had known her my whole life. I left them sitting at a table to talk while I went exploring an old abandoned building. That's all I remember of that dream. Had another one last night. This time I went to the desteni ranch in SA. My sister was there. she was dropping me off. She didn't want to leave me there because she was afraid I would not have cell service. I reassured her they have internet so I would not be out of communication. I remember feeling really excited about being there and getting to meet some of the people I have only ever talked to on the net. I have been reading bloggs, and watching so many videos that I feel like I already know most of you. You are all family to me. Perhaps one day I will be able to visit until then we still have the internet. If any destonians are in or near Baltimore MD hit me up we can meet for coffee



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Anna
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Anna » 16 Oct 2014, 17:42

Thanks Ms.SanyMac. "do the next right thing" that is just what I did. Much has happened since I was on last. Don't ever think that just because I have not been on for a while that I am lying in an alley with a needle in my arm. Things got crazy for me. At the end of July we (my son and I)lost our place to live. We bounced around for the next six weeks. There was no shortage of volchers willing to "help" after a series of desperate moves, I found my self assed out with very little money to feed my son with. I paid rent to three different people and still had no place to stay. One asshole thought he was going to keep my son, like some kind of novelty or a puppy he can give to his girlfriend. I had to call the police to get him back. They all most didn't do anything because I didn't have my custody papers meaning they would have just left my kid with these idiots who are no relation to him. What the hell are cops good for? I ask my self that every time I need them for something. I got my kid back and decided I had enough of being fed on by the walking dead. I did the next right thing, I called my sister. She said I could move in with her in Baltimore so here I am. ;)

So every so often, I have dreams about desteni. This one dream took place at some kind of state park I introduced my sister to Sunette as though, t had known her my whole life. I left them sitting at a table to talk while I went exploring an old abandoned building. That's all I remember of that dream. Had another one last night. This time I went to the desteni ranch in SA. My sister was there. she was dropping me off. She didn't want to leave me there because she was afraid I would not have cell service. I reassured her they have internet so I would not be out of communication. I remember feeling really excited about being there and getting to meet some of the people I have only ever talked to on the net. I have been reading bloggs, and watching so many videos that I feel like I already know most of you. You are all family to me. Perhaps one day I will be able to visit until then we still have the internet. If any destonians are in or near Baltimore MD hit me up we can meet for coffee
Awesome John. I always enjoy hearing from you and getting these updates, even though the circumstances might not be the best and please write more when you're able to!

That's one crazy situation with the guy who wanted to take your son, glad you got him back and that you found a solution. Someone once said to me: "you always find a way through a situation." - those words have been very important to me, when I've stood kneedeep in shit in my life, to remember that "yes, I do always find a way through". So I'll say the same to you John cause that's what I've been seeing during the time you've share yourself here on the forum; you find a way through.

So I'm glad that you're here and that you're pushing to create the best possible life for yourself and your son.



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 16 Oct 2014, 22:36

Thanks Anna. I have learned a lot here. And apply daily. One thingBernard hallways said was to focus on breathing. I have not perfected it yet however, in that situation, it would be easy to become possessed by emotion and lose control. As the situation began to escalate I could fee my blood begin to boil. I remembered, just breath. That means do nothing but breath. Then your mind becomes clear and you can't think logically about the next right thing. Carfuly strategically plotting your next move. In the past I would have just exploded with anger. In this situation I would have gotten my ass kicked or even arrested. That would not have helped anything.
1. Breath
2. Do the next right thing
Many times you have only seconds to do this as you my have a large angry man coming at you :o




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