thanks Anna, and everyone els on here helping.
so to continue i guess i will address my feelings for her. my biggest fear is her premature death and how i will handel that emotionaly. she has had two near death experiences since i started this thread. im allready strugeling to not become posessed by my emotions. anger, frustration and most of all saddness.
What I suggest doing here is to go deeper into what exactly it is that you fear, for example about her dying. What is behind that fear? I suggest to commit yourself to start writing yourself out in more depth and detail, because if you don't start deconstructing and investigating in self-honesty what's underneath all these emotional experiences, it gets more difficult to stop and the more one allows oneself to participate, the more the emotions intensify and escalate.
With in all this i am having trouble figuring out the proper way to handel her. she must think im bipolor. i go from nice to being very nasy in seconds. this is based on how delusional she is being and how truthful she is being. when i say nasty, what i mean is, brutaly honest even if its painful to hear. is it not the most loving thing we can do for one another. she takes it as me being spitefull. im just trying to get her to face what is here.
Obviously sometimes its necessary to speak frankly and directly to another - so suggest to check for yourself in self-honesty where there's any reactive/emotional movement within you or whether you are in fact speaking from a starting point of support. Something to consider here is that when you are reacting in any way emotionally, it is not because of what someone else do or don't do, because the reaction is coming from within you and so you're creating it. Writing is again one of the best tools one can utilize to stabilize oneself and prevent oneself from having those moments of 'exploding' or being 'nasty' towards others.
Anna, you say "its not wrong to have feelings for her"his is were i am a little confused. i have been treating my emotion as a disease and at times trying to turn it off completely.i guess i have viewed emotion as a bit of a weekness while at the same time i have noticed somthing interesting...
When we say that something is 'wrong' or 'bad' we tend to do so from a starting-point of morality. The problem with morality is that it's not real, which is why people will do things that they 'know' are morally 'wrong' - so morality is like a social set of rules that we claim to follow that's suppose to 'guide' our decisions, but because there's an entire secret mind operating from underneath, it doesn't really matter what's 'wrong' or 'right'. So what we're looking at from a Destonian perspective is the following: What is the starting-point of 'feelings' for example? Who am I within it? What are the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to guide myself based on feelings? See? So there's a vast difference between a 'moral rule' in society of something being 'wrong' - where the being then in their secret mind just do whatever they want and then investigating something in self-honesty and practicality for oneself - within taking self-responsibility for oneself in and as it. So here, what you can do is to get to understand emotions and feelings. Where do they come from? How are they created? Who am I within them? What are the consequences of me making decisions based on emotions and feelings? From there you can then actually make an informed and self-directive decision about what you will accept and allow yourself to participate within and what not.
However - if you simply follow what someone else says (or what you think/believe they say) like the idea that "feelings are wrong" - but you haven't actually made a directive decision in yourself based on understanding why it is not supportive to make decisions based on feelings - you're going to create inner conflict and friction within yourself, because you'll be having two opposing 'operating systems' telling you what to do. So we can't simply 'shun' emotions or feelings, like pushing it away. Because it's still a part of us. And if is a part of you that's overriding commonsense from 'underneath' - then that's where you keep making decisions based on feelings, no matter how hard you try not to. So - gotta sort that relationship out and ask yourself in self-honesty: what is my starting-point? Who am I here? What belief-systems are overriding common sense in this moment? What would common sense even be in this situation?
as im typing this i am realising a point of selfishness on my part. as if i dont care untill it affects me. this change the world mentality is a bit new to me. t was raised thinking, yeah shits fucked up, i probrably added to the mess. just let jesus clean it up LOL as this is the typical american christian mindset. i forgive my self for not taking responsability for my own shit and not seeing that what is here in this physical life is what is most important. it just makes sence. my motives for supporting equality and whats best for all, is a bit selfish.mabe (and i mean it in the nicest way) Desteni is selfishness perfected. i hope that doesent offend anyone though i suppose that will depend on howyou define the word "self" i'm still in school on that one
Cool realizations John. So then the question is: what are you going to now do with this realization?