never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 20 Mar 2014, 04:41

Thanks Mr Freeman, for your help full feedback.

I have a confession to make to everyone. I also have had a small problem with addiction. My child's mother was prescribed suboxone this is prescribed to heroin addicts to stop cravings. I exparamented with this a few times in the past. I aloud her to talk me into try doing it intravenously. Yes this is both crazy and stupid. I never said I was smart. Over time I was actually able to "hit my self". It was at this point I realized I had become addicted. Since my "enabler" ran out on me , I started to ween my self down. Two days ago I did my last little bit. It has a 24 hr half life so now I am detoxing. The affect of the drug is minimal once you been on it awhile. You end up needing it to feel normal. This is how its been for me for over a year. Today I feel like absolute shit I am getting hot flashes sweating profusely. T feel like I am on fire. I'm tired yet can not sleep. And I have not even reached the worse point. They tell me next I will perge out both ends fun fun fun. I did this to myself.

I forgive myself that I allowed my self to be discontented with my consousness in its natural state.
I forgive my self for abusing myself in such a stupid way.



Marlen
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 20 Mar 2014, 06:19

Hi John, cool you're sharing your current experience. I understand this might be a rather uncomfortable and difficult moment for you, however as you said, yes you did it to yourself but now going into blame and/or damning yourself for getting to this point will get you nowhere either. What I suggest considering is how this that you are now facing is the accumulation not only of one person's encouragement for you to do drugs, it's been a long process wherein you have created the relationships, have been around the people and conditions wherein you led yourself to this point, no one really has gotten us into drugs: we accept and allow ourselves to do it by our own hands so that would be the first point to recognize: to take full responsibility of your current situation.

The next point is that of course I suggest to not go back to drugs at all, and yes I only know by movies how bad it is to withdraw from something like heroin, but again it is necessary to then stand through this detox process and immediately decide how you're going to stand up and what are you going to do to start getting back on track on your life, and writing is the one way wherein no matter how bad you may physically experience yourself at the moment, you can use the time to start self forgiving the points that you are now realizing you have accepted and allowed within your life, so of course this can open up many more points that you can walk within self forgiveness


Example:
I forgive myself that I allowed my self to be discontented with my consciousness in its natural state.
You can continue from that self forgiveness point asking yourself why have I accepted and allowed myself to want to run away or evade being clean/sober or 'the natural' state within yourself in your mind and physical body, you can being writing about the decisions you've made in your life, the choices, the actions, the relationships and the experiences that you've participated in in order to now be discontented with having to be sober. All I can say about this is that not having to depend on any drug is the necessary process for self-liberation, as it does suck having to depend on something to continually feel 'high' or be in such 'normal high' state. So, I can only encourage you to be strong throughout this detox process and instead support you to self-forgive all of what I just suggested to open up above, and utilize the detox process to also 'detox' through self-forgiveness



We've all made mistakes, we've all abused ourselves one way or another - drugs are something you can stop as you are now and the next step is to stop the self-abuse at a mind level. So, consider this: within guilt, shame, regret, calling ourselves out for the stupid choices we've made won't get us anywhere and that's how through self-forgiveness we have the ability to instead investigate why and how we got ourselves to this place, what do we now take self-responsibility for and at the same time establish corrections and commitments of what we commit ourselves to do to change.

The fact that you are here shows you have the intention to change, I know you've been watching/reading Desteni for years now so I do suggest you use this time to make an absolute stand to quit drugs and start supporting yourself.

You can continue sharing your self-investigation here wherein from self-forgiving the choices and actions made, one can create and structure a new direction that we now in self-honesty and self-awareness can decide to take on within the consideration of self-support, what will be best for you and everyone around you as well.

Thanks for sharing and breathe through the detox.



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 21 Mar 2014, 01:12

thanks Marlene. just to be clear I was never addicted to heroin only the drug used To treat heroin adddiction. I was Unable to sleep at all last night. This is hell the 5 min I did sleep, I had a strange dream about her. She was in the apartment next door. There was a strange guy siting on her bed. He seemed uncomfortable with me being their I said
Loos like the two of you want to be alone so I took my son and departed. I went back to were my son and I were sleeping and layed him down I remember thinking it was much colder in here than were she was.instantly I was wide awake again and feeling sad because I do miss her I feel overwhelmed with all of this. I do realize my part, my choices that have brought me to this point. The drug is actualy the smallest point. The driving force was my insatiable desire to love and be loved. The words of benard come to mind when I think of this word love. Love is mind control. Their is no love for real in this world. Not untill it is all inclusive.



Marlen
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Marlen » 21 Mar 2014, 02:02

Yes, it's about seeing where we have 'sought for love' as an experience outside of ourselves, just because we haven't been able to give it and live it for and by ourselves.

I suggest reading Dan's blog about 'Redefining Love' timely published today
Day 378 - Redefining LOVE


So, you got the tools of how to begin walking through this mind torment you're going through, all I can say is Self Forgiveness is the key, so I would not postpone it further. Take care



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 10 Apr 2014, 03:24

I feel !



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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Rozelle de Lange » 13 Apr 2014, 22:44

Very cool support provided for you here John!

I definitely stand by all the suggestions made to you herein. Keep your focus on yourself and your child and walking the necessary steps to stabilize yourself within the experiences you find yourself within at this point.

Keep us updated on your process.
Looking forward to reading more of you.



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John Grunzweig
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby John Grunzweig » 04 May 2014, 04:24

Well, I found a place to "live". Rent I can aford. I moved in with a friend and his family. Its been 3 weeks and it seems to be working out well. Things are better now however I feel very depressed. I miss what we had,they feeling of true family working together for servival. Feeling we could servive anything as long as we stick together,the three of us as one. I miss her and I know he does too. A child needs his mother. This saddens me greatly. I spoke with her on the phone. A few days ago. She is not well. Says she is trying to get help. She was in the hospital twice in two days only to be released. She is learning how much the system cares when you have no money (insurance). She is running from karma and death is catching up to her and she knows it.

It sucks wondering if today is the day I will get the inevitable bad news. How do I deal with the pain that will bring.

I miss her.she was my best friend



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Anna
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Anna » 04 May 2014, 08:08

Well, I found a place to "live". Rent I can aford. I moved in with a friend and his family. Its been 3 weeks and it seems to be working out well.
That is awesome John, so cool to hear!
Things are better now however I feel very depressed. I miss what we had,they feeling of true family working together for servival. Feeling we could servive anything as long as we stick together,the three of us as one.
If you have a look at the type of depiction of 'family life' you're imagining here, its the fairytale fantasy story that we are brought up with through the movies. It's not real. So when desires such as that one comes up, that's when it assists to be brutally and gently self-honest with yourself, to remind yourself: "Where are these thoughts coming from? Oh right, it's the hollywood fantasy, it's not real. Okay, back to reality John." So you want stop as soon as you see yourself entertaining the thoughts, because the more you allow yourself to participate in them, the more they will accumulate to emotional experiences.

What is here and what is real is the physical reality. Not an imagination of 'what could have been', because that is in many instances not even real or realistic and in any case, its not relevant to preoccupy yourself with such thoughts.
I miss her and I know he does too. A child needs his mother. This saddens me greatly.
The question is: does a child need his mother if that mother is not well enough to be there for him? I would say no. I would say that a father can be just as caring to a child as a mother can. So perhaps he doesn't need his mother. Maybe that's a myth.

I understand that you miss your ex, though I would suggest to push yourself to not wallow in the thoughts and emotions because as you've seen, the more you do, the worse it gets. What is real is this physical reality, this moment with your body here, your hands here, your feet here, your breath here. For me, that was what eventually assisted me to stop depression, was to focus only on the physical and my physical interaction. So every time I saw my thoughts wanting to go to 'that place', I stopped myself and said: "No, I'm not gonna go there. The physical is what is real. Okay, stay here." And then I focused on keeping myself busy, doing stuff, being active.

Thanks for sharing John. Glad to hear that it's going better!



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sylvia
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby sylvia » 04 May 2014, 11:24

It sucks wondering if today is the day I will get the inevitable bad news. How do I deal with the pain that will bring.
Hi John, fist of all Anna her suggestion to keep yourself here within the physical reality is a valuable one. Once you manage to do so you will see that things are doable. Secondly, in relation to working what is here within your physical reality, also wondering about your partners death before it occurs may pull you back into a depression, which is the opposite of what your child needs. Here is a link to Sunette's blog that might help you get insides of what is happening within your mind when preoccupying yourself with the wondering.

A brief part of this blog post:
…Death is Death, one cannot in fact go to the absolute of saying “I Fear Death” – if one only react to the deaths of those in the inner-circle, and not blink an eye to the Deaths of those in the second and last circle. If we’d REALLY ‘Fear Death’ – we’d be in a constant possession of FEAR with the extent of Deaths that manifest every second time goes by within/as this physical existence. So, if we do not ‘Fear Death’, but only “Fear the Death of ourselves and those in the inner-circle”…what is it that we’re actually fearing /reacting to???
And great John about the fact that you found yourself and your child another place to live, this must be proof to yourself that you're capable of moving/directing yourself.



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Andreas Wittmann
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Re: never so scared in my life. what if i fail?

Postby Andreas Wittmann » 04 May 2014, 12:02

Hi John!

Thanks for sharing your life experiance.

Cool to see/read that you took the necessary steps to Support and stabilize yourself and your situation and now have a place to live for you and your child!

Definatly cool support and assistance you got here. Stay strong and Keep us updated!




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