Why praising your child may do more harm than good

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Randy
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Randy » 06 Sep 2014, 07:34

Leila said:
So now I take both sides into consideration, am I speaking out of energy? and am I keeping quiet because of morality? At times I see, there's no need to speak -- other times I see that I want to respond, and I then I do but make sure that it is grounded.
This approach can be applied to just about any situation, can't it? You also avoid suppressing your own self expression - which could happen if you're holding back from saying anything simply because you had previously labeled any/all responses as "bad"...

Cool thread.



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Leila
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Leila » 06 Sep 2014, 12:36

Yup Randy - in the end it's just you practicing living within and by principle in every moment -- rather than by the fuzzy logic of your mind based on the past/past experiences



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby YoganBarrientos » 18 Oct 2014, 23:54

This is such an interesting thread. I was reading something Sylvia said that I could relate from a specific position.
At schools I see the manipulation point as main point, praising the positive and desired outcome to so guide the child through the system in a blissful state of mind, to the point that eventually the child sees that his total picture that he had from himself through the praising did not add up with his physical reality and insecurity will guide him now, and the negative will play out now that was all along in the game when his teachers were praising him into his positive state of mind.
So I was a straight A student (1 B) in high school. So in the mind, if a person gets an A, they deserve praise. Well let me tell you that even then there is consequence. Even though I did very well in high school, college was extremely difficult. There are many multidimensional reasons for this, such as the school not preparing me adequately, the public school system, Florida's funding for schools, to name a few. However, having an image/belief that you are intelligent, one that OTHERS gave you, because I never sat down one day and decided I was intelligent. Adults and peers told me that. So I thought i was suppose to do well in any class, almost magically by applying the same technique I always had. Well memorizing and regurgitating wasn't enough in college, which was mainly essaying writing and writing in general. We didn't write much in high school, and we had a specific format the 5 paragraph essay. Well do you know how many real works of writing found in the real world are written in 5 paragraphs (laughs), none. So from a certain perspective I can understand why many people, adults, felt happy that I did so well in terms of grades/marks, however, if you don't know by now, a grade/mark is someone belief/opinion that you have mastered the material, which may not be really mastering a material, through and through, for the purposes of USING it in your life to better your life. The act of writing, interestingly enough is one act of using information/knowledge. Speaking is another. Answering a bubble sheet, multiple choice exam is not the same as having to use information that you have learned in writing and speaking. It is certainly quicker, and easier to just have multiple choice exams.

So as I student of 18 years of age, truly wanted to be in a school where learning was key, that I develop the my fullest potential. However no one sat down and told me how. In college, I did learn through mistakes, however it would have been much better if I knew how, through understanding the principles behind how to use knowledge and information effectively. Because I was never explained how, I can only assume no one really knows how, otherwise they would have made sure every at the school, in whichever school I was in, knew how. Instead you have teachers and people who are certified, believing by passing the same multiple choice exam, that they are qualified. No one is fully qualified and educated. When you're uneducated, you don't know. However I felt and knew something was wrong, that I wasn't getting something, because I wasn't operating, thinking and perceiving the same thing as the students in my college classes. And for the most part, what I observed is that that is who they already were when they entered. So the college didn't develop that, they had that already. Teachers didn't teach you how, they only REPEATED information, like computers, except that would insult computers, because computers have far better memory than us anyway. There seems to be an unawareness, because people don't stop and question, how I became who I am today, and how do I give that to others. There seems to be an expectation that everyone can magically achieve the things you have by simply doing it. Instead the reality is that we require direction, physical movement, effort and time. It is much easier if someone points the way, instead of people stumbling around in the dark.

So that's the cool thing about DIP, and the whole Desteni Process, we are not completely stumbling in the dark, we have a clear structure, as well as direction. I recognize that its no one's fault, because you can only act according to your awareness. If teachers or adults knew how, they would tell/teach others how. That's whats cool about Desteni, they shared how right away, after they had tested and proven the point for themselves personally. Right now schools and teachers, do the best they can with what they have available. And I wouldn't be surprised that most if not all are aware how its not enough, and may feel guilty that they know that the results aren't enough. But what can they do? So its literally true, that we are like zombies, walking, dragging our feet in life, with a daze. And we really depend on the few that have walked their own process of coming back to life, to share the point. It is interesting how the mind is programmed to allow 7 Billions humans to walk the earth, live a life, function enough to do many tasks, without fucking things too much on a small scale, however when you take a look at a global scale, everything has been getting progressively worse, so that consequence of 7 Billion Zombies roaming the earth is undeniable. There is a consequence for just being a zombie. This Earth, the physical existence can die/end. That's partly what makes it real.



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby YoganBarrientos » 19 Oct 2014, 00:00

OMG I laughed so hard because its so true, Gian said "Cesar a 9 month old baby does not give a shit about being praised"
Oh humans, are so silly with their praises.



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby YoganBarrientos » 19 Oct 2014, 00:43

However, I will share, because Carrie brought it up, how you can genuinely praise. So in the word Praise, you have raise, which means to lift up, or to guide as someone grows up. So we definitely want to do the 2nd definition, because if we lift up our kids, every time, their muscles wouldn't develop. We need to guide kids, raise them, and nurture them like a plant, that will grow and develop on their own with the needed substances. So on a more practical realm, and less metaphorical, you can provide feedback, on explaining, showing, pointing out, some physical consequence or result. Additionally you can just enjoy WITH, and celebrate WITH someone, their accomplishments, though, as Gian pointed out, you might have hidden reasons for your celebration, which as a child you will easily pick up on ulterior motives. Children are very perceptive, at least that's how I saw things as a child. I could tell when adults were hiding, lying, and trying to manipulate me. However that didn't mean I said no, because I was still depended emotionally on praises and feeling good, because of something my teacher or parent said. If I grew up with adults, who genuinely expressed their enjoyment with me, which you can tell its genuine, because they wouldn't feel sad if another result had happened, as if THEY had something personally invested in something YOU as a child were doing, which really should be done for who? for YOU. So every parent should certainly want every child to do things FOR him/herself, like how you would want to live life for YOU. Essentially that means living a starting point, that is your decision. You are deciding who YOU are going to be, and what YOU are going to do with your time in this life, which is limited. Do you want to be someone that lives for FEELING an emotion/feeling no matter what you have to do to create it? No, you want to create, specifically something physical, the result you wish. The physical is the prize, not the emotion. You can celebrate WITH physical achievement, you are not celebrating for the celebration, that doesn't make sense. And what is interesting the act of moving yourself physical, even if you, what they call fail, it is still a physical achievement. Moving yourself towards your goal, whatever physical thing it may be, is a success. That's where the phrase Try, try, and try again, is relevant. Physical movement is an achievement in itself. You can celebrate that, because its physical. I would say developing this physical celebration is key because its essentially recognizing and becoming aware and appreciating the physical, which is an absolute point for everyone to live. Having that point of appreciation for the physical, will have a tremendous effect on your life. You will notice how when you celebrate the physical achievement of others, that will assist them in placing awareness in what is physical and real. They will eventually do the same, by copying you, and by the gift thereof. There is a natural motivation and reward, and like anything real it takes time and space, or time and effort to create/foster it. You need to take moments to recognize yourself, recognize what is here, what has been done, what has been achieved, which are real things, which are physical things. Some of these things we may judge as small in society, stopping a certain habit, stopping shyness, taking the bus without fear, writing tonight/today, any physical movement, from eating with awareness, remembering and doing your chores, cleaning your room, is all an achievement is all real, and can be appreciated and recognized one and equal, instead of judging SOME as SMALL, or BIG. We can recognize the value in them all, which is a starting point of YOU having moved yourself and creating those PHYSICAL results. What's also cool about the physical dimension, is how when you celebrate something physical with someone, you are both aware that it is temporary, because everything physical is temporary. So there is not an expectation or desire to keep on celebrating, it is just for a moment, because its about this physical thing that we both know is temporary. So such celebration will be let go easily, because it will only last for that moment. It is also your expression too, so that's also why it usually last for just a moment. And because its your expression, it is also a decision, and you decide how long to celebrate, its not an emotion that moves you and tries to keep you within the emotion/feeling, and keep you within celebrating. This is similar to the sex expression, and its just the nature of any expression. Its a decision. So this is something ideal to do with not only kids, but with everyone in your life, so as to transmit through demonstration your decision to celebrate for a moment in recognition of some physical achievement/manifestation that is now present, and recognize that someone made a physical movement to bring it about. In that way you are honoring and recognizing the physical aspect, which is usually not recognized, which will over time, by doing this constantly, help bring an awareness to not only the importance of the physical, but to the physical of each person. The more we are aware of the physical, with our attention on the physical, the closer we move to aligning with the physical and truly living one and equal as the physical reality, with/as our individual bodies. Also, by recognizing the physical achievements, this fosters a self-appreciation for one's own physical body, like how one's arm was required/needed to type on your computer, and how each and every bone had to connected, but also nurtured by blood, which carried oxygen brought by your heart, which entered your lungs, which had ultimately kept the bone alive and working well. So that will eventually lead to the living realization, that everything I am, everything I have ever done and will do in this life, is because of someone/something else, which includes this body, the cells, the oxygen, the food I ate, the water I drank, so its a living awareness, that you can never take full credit for anything you do, because a trillion other things, if not more, if not this existence as a whole, was involved in you creating what you did. Existence allowed it, and was instrumental in that. So that's like real humility, haha, which when you look at it, its just an awareness of how things work, how things operate, and the reality of our interconnectedness, and interdependence, which runs incredibly deep. So its just to be aware of that, and live it always. So recognition/celebration can lead to that, if you celebrate the physical itself, not a thought, not an emotion, not a feeling, about how you avoided a terribly future, or any fear or imagination, that would be separation. Celebrate the physical. So that's how we create a real humble generation of kids, by becoming that, and pointing out the obvious, which is the physical.



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Terrone28
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Terrone28 » 22 Nov 2014, 05:36

Nice article, really interesting. It was worth reading for. Thanks.



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Alex27
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Alex27 » 31 Jan 2015, 06:40

Yeah it's interesting. Thanks.




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