Why praising your child may do more harm than good

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KellyPosey
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby KellyPosey » 04 Feb 2013, 05:26

Cool garb.

That would be a cool point to vlog about, to share your story and perspective, to assist parents and children in developing relationships of trust. And anyone that has stories of practicality in relationships between parents/adults / children, would definitely be cool to share. To give parents out there examples that they might not otherwise ever see of what is possible within developing a relationship with children that is effective and supportive. I will see if I have any such experiences to share and vlog about as well myself.

Would be cool to approach it in the Problem Solution Reward approach, as like for example in this point, what is the Problem with fake praise just to try to create a positive feeling, instead of actual relevant feedback, is that the child does not actually improve in reality, and the Solution being to give practical feedback, and then the Rewards of being able to actually develop oneself through getting actual feedback, and having a relationship based on trust, develop real self confidence, etc etc.



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 04 Feb 2013, 06:48

Cool Garb - thanks for sharing. And I agree with Kelly, it would be supportive for parents to hear how you and your father established trust.



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Anna
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Anna » 04 Feb 2013, 07:32

Cool suggestions Kelly and cool Garb!



Maya
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Maya » 04 Feb 2013, 16:29

And I agree with Kelly, it would be supportive for parents to hear how you and your father established trust.
That would be a cool point to vlog about, to share your story and perspective, to assist parents and children in developing relationships of trust.
Go Go Go Garb!!



Marlen
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Marlen » 05 Feb 2013, 14:36

That's a very cool point, how to develop self-trust with children within giving feedback on how to correct themselves, testing it out and then the child sees for themselves whether it works or not. It's similar to giving any feedback of self support here: sharing what we have tested out works in order to support others that are going to implement it in their lives, that way we support each other to stand as self trust: through practical constructive feedback wherein limitations are seen from the perspective of 'how' to direct them in a way that will result in a best for all outcome. This is what I see will develop a relationship of trust with parents - how many times parents would lie for various reasons - mostly to control the child in one moment - and so, as a child, one builds a relationship of spite because of their words not being congruent with physical reality.

At a 'bigger picture' we can see how we have created a world of fake-bonds/relationships of lies through praising and rejecting according to monetary conveniences, wherein there is no genuine support given to each other, because there's always a point of self interest to defend. So, it's an important aspect within parenting to support with establishing the platform for new relationships where people won't have to lie to each other to either praise or go to the opposite points like rejection, hating, bullying, etc. The point of self-interest can be then redefined as an understanding that if we support the team/group/community/world/society, then that's our collective well being funded upon relationships of Self-Trust that begin with this example like the one Garb is giving, which is quite cool definitely to share and make it available if one has seen this actually works.

Giving self supportive words is cool along with How to practically do it, that definitely supports with building self trust as a child.

Thanks for sharing guys.



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 06 Feb 2013, 05:22

Cool Marlen - I agree.

The writing in Heaven's Journey To Life has been supportive in seeing how it is best to teach Consequence rather than Morals - from what I'm seeing and what I've seen with my own children (one is grown-up now), this is a really cool direction for us parents to be moving in to and I can see within my own experiences with my first born how speaking about Consequences rather than Morals worked for us and established trust and kept open the lines of communication between us. Our relationship was built on platform honesty and I wanted my child to know that they could come to me and speak with me about anything - for this to happen I taught myself to listen, practiced not making judgements, and communicated with them about what 'I would do' or 'what I did' in similar situations and what the result was.

I made MANY mistakes as a parent - LOL. However, from the beginning I saw that it was important for me as a parent that wanted to raise a 'healthy well-balanced person' that would not rebel against me or be deceptive - that I had to establish this trust.

So, bringing this back to the point of Praise, I've learned that we see when we are given praise that is not genuine, we see this as deceptive, and this breaks the relationship of trust (which can be really difficult to get back). In regards to parenting, it's easy to go into the 'Parent Character' where we change the tones of our voices our children and lay on the sicky-sweet praise. This would be a cool point for us parents to walk out of - as it's clear to me that when we do it it's a point of overcompensation and not honest, stable parenting.

Thanks all for the discussion on this point!



Marlen
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Marlen » 06 Feb 2013, 05:58

Cool sharing here Carrie on how you did your motherhood, we can definitely short-cut such fuckups by sharing and generating proper database on these topics for further consultation.
In regards to parenting, it's easy to go into the 'Parent Character' where we change the tones of our voices our children and lay on the sicky-sweet praise. This would be a cool point for us parents to walk out of - as it's clear to me that when we do it it's a point of overcompensation and not honest, stable parenting.
With regards to this, also the environment that the child starts to see in other people's houses becomes a point of comparison. In my case this 'sicky-sweet praise' is what I would witness in my friends' house and often would recriminate it toward my mother on why she was never that 'caring' or 'loving' to me within that kind of praise - and it was only later on as I grew up that I actually realized how cool it was that I was not flooded with sugar and honey while growing up, it definitely supports with stability and as sense of independence and self responsibility, which is just doing what we are meant to do - nothing more and nothing less.

Later on I developed a friction and conflict situation within this 'recognition/ praising' aspect when they would want to show around my 'efforts' in school, but it was really only a single systematic position I represented, which is why every time they would dare to give a form of recognition, I would recoil and go into the opposite aspect, and this is the pattern that came up when looking at the word 'reward,' affecting how I could see myself accepting rewards and really accepting 'what's best for all' for myself, just because of playing a polarity game of recognition/ award and rejecting it to not 'succumb' to this extrapolation of what I considered was 'my responsibility,' yet also accepting the rewards that would come with that.

So, all in all a matter of words and experiences that I decided to not accept as 'who I am' which even reverberated up to the point we're currently walking with regards to rewards in the Equal Money Capitalism presentation - so, here's the link for further reference, wherein reward is linked to 'award' and as such linked to 'praising' as well from childhood memories linked to the relationship with parents and praising: 279. My Ambivalent Relationship with Rewards

Thanks for sharing!



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 07 Feb 2013, 09:59

Cool blog Marlen - looking forward to continuing reading.

With regards to this, also the environment that the child starts to see in other people's houses becomes a point of comparison.
Yes - thanks for pulling out this point. I did this comparison at others homes as a child and my child did it with me. As a parent, I experienced jealousy, inferiority, and asked myself, "How come this parent is better than me? Is it because they are nicer to their children? Is it because they have more money and a bigger, more comfortable house?" -- I took it personally which I am now seeing created quite a mess of reactions, polarity extremes, attempts to overcompensate/prove myself, and character creation where I worked to become/achieve what another parent was/had. All because I feared losing my child and my status within my child's life!
In my case this 'sicky-sweet praise' is what I would witness in my friends' house and often would recriminate it toward my mother on why she was never that 'caring' or 'loving' to me within that kind of praise
Yes, I did this too - When I met others parents, I would look for this trait as this is what I had imagined as the 'perfect parent' and lived with this unreal expectation for most of my life until recently walking this point and thus giving myself an opportunity to not be disappointed by what I 'did not get' and to stop looking for it outside of myself. I am currently testing this point with my 5-year old where when he brings up an expectation that he becomes excited within his imagined outcome, we discuss the consequences of participating in these expectations where I use his past experiences and/or my past experiences within disappointment as an example. What I have found interesting within this process is that he is most receptive when I draw from my own experiences and point out my mistakes rather than his.
Later on I developed a friction and conflict situation within this 'recognition/ praising' aspect when they would want to show around my 'efforts' in school, but it was really only a single systematic position I represented, which is why every time they would dare to give a form of recognition, I would recoil and go into the opposite aspect, and this is the pattern that came up when looking at the word 'reward,' affecting how I could see myself accepting rewards and really accepting 'what's best for all' for myself, just because of playing a polarity game of recognition/ award and rejecting it to not 'succumb' to this extrapolation of what I considered was 'my responsibility,' yet also accepting the rewards that would come with that.
Yes, this recoiling experience is something that I can relate to - a swinging to the polarity opposite extreme - where I wanted to be seen but morally and mind-fully, I had convinced myself that I would be 'the better person' and ultimately get more attention in the end if I made an effort to not be seen. Essentially, I told myself that I would get my Reward as attention, recognition for my humbleness, and appreciation in The End - which never happened. LOL. Some cool support that I found here was in a gift that someone sent me from Eqafe -> Life Review - Expecting Appreciation from Others - https://eqafe.com/p/expecting-appreciation-from-others
So, all in all a matter of words and experiences that I decided to not accept as 'who I am' which even reverberated up to the point we're currently walking with regards to rewards in the Equal Money Capitalism presentation
Yes - Cool Marlen. Equal Money Capitalism is the best 'next-step' Solution.

Thanks for sharing your process it's been greatly supportive in opening up points, seeing where I've changed, where I would like to change, and bringing me back to here.



Marlen
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Marlen » 07 Feb 2013, 16:24

I am currently testing this point with my 5-year old where when he brings up an expectation that he becomes excited within his imagined outcome, we discuss the consequences of participating in these expectations where I use his past experiences and/or my past experiences within disappointment as an example. What I have found interesting within this process is that he is most receptive when I draw from my own experiences and point out my mistakes rather than his.

Very cool support here, taking the point back to self when working with children. I enjoy talking with children and sharing my stories with them, most likely applying this same point:telling my story what I realized and how I stood up from it. One thing I've suggested to my sister is to develop an equal relationship with her child because the moment the 'mommy-authority' role kicks in, a relationship based on antagonism and rebelling against parents will ensue, like I did for the most part. In your example, we're able to Learn from parents and their experience and I see that's mostly what we do here or should resort to: explaining how we stood up from a certain experience with how we walked the point - so we do the same with children equally.



Another point is how I would deliberately pick on what I perceived were my mother's insecurity with regards to 'not being appreciated' which was a usual conflict in the past with her, and so I would deliberately tell stories of how I had fun going with her sister /my aunt to museums and book shops and enjoying being with them, because my mother was the opposite of all of that so I would deliberately use this point to show how I had a 'cool time' with others and how other parents were so close to their children, etc. all in all as a point of me wanting to experience that, but at the same time the relationship was rather never the sugar sugar type of situation, which I only later on realized was actually quite cool. In this case, the reason why I was able to stop having these sort of problems with my mother was of course because I begun process, but she also started doing her 'own way' to support herself, to stop being co-dependent and expecting to be 'loved by their children' and wanting to keep us by her side all the time, and we're able to discuss the point as well and cross reference what I've learned/ realized and what she's now seeing on her side as well.

Well at least on my case she is well aware that I am not following at the moment the usual 'lifestyle,' but supports me as well as my father in what I do, which is actually very cool, but there's also been a process on Their side and that has enabled our communication in an effective manner, because I am no longer speaking from wanting to 'change them' but rather share the patterns that I see within me that I realize they have played out as well, and that makes it quite cool to share. Lol, I remember my mother's face this time when she approached me to ask for some perspective on a certain point she was facing, which is like 'breaking the norm' of how children are supposed to ask parents and not the other way around, but as I always explain: hey we are human beings, equals, so there's no mother-daughter thing going on here and that's what has been supportive as well, even if at first they really had a hard time with my first radical "change" at the beginning of my process, which only later on I realized how it wasn't meant to be 'toward them' but within me/ who I am within everything that I do, say, act on and toward others.

So in general I see how it takes two to tango within changing these relationships, because if she would have remained within the old patterns, things would have been more difficult to establish a point of communication, and it is not yet 'absolute' since there are still loooots of things that I see would create more consequences from sharing due to not seeing the 'greater picture,' but they agree with the process we walk at Desteni, also listen to Life Reviews and my mother says how my father listens attentively as if he was suddenly like a little boy being reminded of things that he's doing and not taking responsibility for, which I find it cool of course.

So, that's a general update on my family situation, the same with my sisters, I've had long talks with my sister and her relatively new motherhood and she's starting to consider herself more within the primary role that will affect her child in who she is in its entirety, I will suggest the parenting interviewsto her for sure.

Lol, before I was really on my way to be the ultimate black sheep of the family and direct my life to be exactly the opposite of what I thought they wanted me to be like, I mean in a way that might be so, but it is not from the starting point of 'going against my family,' any longer, but simply realizing that what I have to do is not precisely in accordance to any regular expectations they could have had on me, and that such point has nothing to do with me actually, but it's their own expectations to deal with, which is cool now that they have come to accept that/make peace with it. But, that's another story and a bit off topic here, however it actually stems from wanting to not be praised and rebelling against that, which is also cool to consider when over-spoiling children and children going to the opposite, just to maintain the relationship of friction and conflict that we tend to always create at a mind level toward anything and anyone.

Thanks for sharing!



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Garbrielle
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Garbrielle » 08 Feb 2013, 22:04

And I agree with Kelly, it would be supportive for parents to hear how you and your father established trust.
That would be a cool point to vlog about, to share your story and perspective, to assist parents and children in developing relationships of trust.
Go Go Go Garb!!
lol, here is the vlog:

Parental Advice: How to get Kids to Trust You- Support from a Child's Perspective




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