Why praising your child may do more harm than good


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Rozelle de Lange
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Rozelle de Lange » 10 Feb 2013, 08:28

Very cool thread here with great support.

Thanks all.



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 11 Feb 2013, 05:20

COOL support from a child's perspective! Thanks Garb!




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Gian
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Gian » 02 Sep 2014, 23:21

I had a similar experience with the "praising point" the other day.

with our 9 month old son Cesar, he was standing next to me by my table and I was talking to him and asking him what he is doing (obviously he cant respond yet vocally), and he looked behind him and he turned his body and he gave it one step forward, now he is in the stage of standing EVERYWHERE, and me for the first time seeing him giving a step forward without any assistance from me or Leila, I was inside of myself like WOW.

in that moment I wanted to say WELL done Cesar, you gave it one step forward - I breathed and in a moment saw what I was doing and where I was coming from.

within myself I could see that why I wanted to say WELL done Cesar and Praise him, was because within myself there was a point I wasn't aware of till then, I had a fear of Cesar starting to walk at a LATE stage, not even later just late, and thus not developing as quick as other babies that I have seen already giving their first steps at the same age, and with this fear there was the fear behind it of survival. that if Cesar starts walking earlier then most then he must be developing quicker and have a bigger chance at surviving.

so my wanting to say WELL DONE CESAR was coming from a point of fear and self interest, which would have been consequential in terms of the message he is receiving of whats behind the words and sounds of me saying WELL DONE CESAR, implying that what he has been doing was/hasn't been well done, and thus it has been not good.

I also in the moment saw that if I praise Cesar from that starting point that I would have now given him the impression that praise is needed for him to feel better and good about himself, which would create a human that requires praise all his life to move/feel good. which is what I as a kid had a problem with, if there wasn't any praise then why develop myself, why do something, why become better kind of attitude.

so within that moment in that breathe I remained quite and I allowed it to be natural for Cesar to do it for himself and his own self development, and I realized within that moment as-well, Cesar a 9 month old baby does not give a shit about being praised, he doesn't know what it is, he does not care for it, it does not move him or anything, unless I conditioned the moment with my infected words/sounds, to him it was simply the next step.

so I definitely am learning and seeing these points for myself and will still come to seeing how I can implement the praising point (if actually required) to direct it in a way where it is a point of direction/guide for living/expansion within whats best for all life.



Michelle
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Michelle » 03 Sep 2014, 10:57

Cool how Caesar and parenting support you in your process.

Thanks for sharing your realizations and insights Gian!



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 04 Sep 2014, 18:10

Hey Gian - thanks for sharing this. After reading this post, Hunter presented me with some opportunities to observe myself on this point of praising him when he does something cool. The first time we were doing our reading program and he was reading fast through material that he was struggling with prior to our summer break - I expressed how 'impressed' I was with his progress as though I was 'astounded' which I then stopped myself and looked at my starting point which was actually my relief of being in fear that he would not be able to read well. The second time, he had unlocked a new character on a game that he's playing and came to get me in total excitement so that I could see. I do not have any particular interest in the game so I simply said, "That's really cool bud." At the same time, however, I found that I was doubting myself because I have this belief that a 'good parent' should praise their child for their achievements - like I was doing something wrong if I didn't make a big deal out of what he had done. Again, fear.

So I realize that my giving praise is from a point of self-interest where giving the praise, as I do now, is a positive energetic release after an accumulation of negative thoughts, beliefs, judgments, self-doubts and fears that I have had about myself and my ability to direct. I also see that I'm wanting him to 'feel good' about himself as if he ever 'felt bad' about himself in the first place - which I'm aware was only me projecting myself 'feeling bad' about myself onto him.



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Leila
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Leila » 04 Sep 2014, 20:43

Cool Carrie!

I've been playing around with this point as well, where I would identify moments where I wanted to speak out of energy and would stop myself, but then interestingly enough I slipped into the polarity -- where I saw I wanted to say/express something -- but would hold back because I had labelled any form of feedback as 'praise/validation = bad', turning myself into some form of 'apathetic wall' -- where I had taken the point into morality instead of common sense evaluation in the moment.

So now I take both sides into consideration, am I speaking out of energy? and am I keeping quiet because of morality? At times I see, there's no need to speak -- other times I see that I want to respond, and I then I do but make sure that it is grounded.

So for instance, when Cesar does something, and he's all chuffed about it or he discovered something new and he looks at me with that surpised face -- I center myself in my chest and I simply say 'I see!' - so that, I acknowledge him in that moment - but leave it up to him to decide what he does with himself in that moment.



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Carrie
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby Carrie » 04 Sep 2014, 21:23

Yeah Leila - going into the opposite polarity is something I've noticed I have the tendency to do also. Where in this point when it comes to being afraid of praising and the potential consequences of praising, I will physically stiffen and hold back any response that comes out. When I do this, I can see that I'm not communicating self-honestly - equal-to when I'm giving praise.

What I see that would be supportive for both of is is to let go of all of my beliefs, comparisons, and expectations about praise and how to communicate with a child - and see how I express myself when I stop limiting myself (and Hunter) in this way.



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andresftenjo
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Re: Why praising your child may do more harm than good

Postby andresftenjo » 06 Sep 2014, 01:57

Cool thread , thank you guys for everything you shared




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