Shouting to a child ?

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mar
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Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 23 Aug 2013, 21:53

Sometimes i use shouting with energy to a child to stop him from doing something as soon as i can.

Problem is that i don't intend it only in a danger situation, but i also use it to correct an habit and just shouting the name. The purpose is just to detach the child from what is doing the fastest possible.

For example: i live in a flat that every step on the ground is heared in the flat downstairs. So i'm trying to teach my daughter to not jump on the ground and using slipper and everytime i see her doing this i call her to remind that.

An hour ago she began to do whims and moods and she began to jump on the floor very hard and so i shouted "ADRIANA !!" to stop her fast. Then i gently said her "Don't hit the floor, remember ?".

Do you think that in these cases shouting is allowed ? Does this have a sort of bad consequences, should be used carefully ? Is there any other possibility ?

I re explain the concept better: shouting to stop a behaviour as fast as is possible in the following cases:

- Can be dangerous
- Can be unrespectfull of others
- is related to an habit that i'm trying to correct and that it' has been repeted for too many times *

where the shouting relates only to the name and finalized to effectively "grab the attention" and everything that comes after is without energy.

*About the third point, if it's not related to the other 2 i'm looking to a strategy instead of shouting like: "if today you will do it for other 3 times you'll be punished with this"



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Anna
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Anna » 24 Aug 2013, 08:05

My perspective is that shouting is only necessary in situations where someone is in danger and the situation requires immediate intervention.

In this case, it is about you being considerate towards your neighbors and the shouting isn't necessary. The 'worst' consequence in this case if the child does stomp on the floor is that your neighbors will be irritated. I've experienced people living below such apartments where a child is constantly running on the floor, and while it is unpleasant - the only thing that happens is that the neighbor below feels irritated.

A point I thus suggest to consider here is whether your actual 'issue' is more with the thoughts that comes up when she runs on the floor where it is more about you not wanting your neighbors to be angry/irritated with you, than considering what is best for all in the situation.

Suggest to also consider here within the best interest of all, whether it is best for all that the child is prohibited from expressing itself physically or whether it is more important that the neighbor below does not experience irritation. I would say that an equally considerate solution is best: where the neighbor below understand that in the development of a child, physical expression is important and it can have consequences to prohibit the child from expressing itself. Therefore a minimum level of noise may be expected when one live below a family with a child. The child on the other hand can then be assisted to consider to not constantly run over the floors. A child that is jumping is not doing it because it is 'disrespectful' unless it is deliberate to piss of the neighbor. The child is simply expressing itself.
Jumping in itself perhaps isn't dangerous but obviously if you see that the situation can get out of control (hanging in the chandeliers etc.) then shouting might be required.

You do not need to shout to get a child's attention explicitly and lol - consider also the irony here of how the neighbor below now have to listen to your shouting rather than the child jumping and as such you being equally noisy because you're shouting.

With regards to using punishment, a small child does not understand an extended time factor and will forget all about the promised punishment as soon as she is playing and enjoying herself. Using fear and punishment is not suggested. Therefore I suggest rather finding a practical solution that also considers the need of the child to express itself. Here the first imperative point is that you sort out your own reactions and that you do not project the reactions onto the child to justify them. Secondly you can investigate the possibility of soundproofing your floors with carpets or simply talking to the neighbor about the sounds and asking them for their patience and consideration.

I strongly suggest investing in the Parenting Series from Eqafe to understand how important it is to establish an effective way of being a parent, as how you treat the child now and how it affects her, becomes the foundation of her life.



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christine
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby christine » 24 Aug 2013, 19:53

Hi -

An effective method I used with my children and grandchild is to actually to touch the child, gently, making contact, and lower one's voice. To calm my grandson down I will place my hand over his heart, and say 'breathe', and I will breathe with him.



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Carrie
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Carrie » 25 Aug 2013, 03:10

Cool support and suggestions Christine and Anna. For an understanding of how children process sound, I agree with Anna - get the Parenting series from EQAFE. For me this series has changed my starting point with how I use my voice with my child as it assisted me to be aware of how my words, tones, physical expressions, and energetic reactions impress into children.

The decision to use shouting to get a child's attention is one that we must make self-honestly. How do you experience yourself after having shouted at a child - do you find yourself experiencing guilt? Are you justifying your reasons for shouting? If you have any reaction to this, I would suggest for you to investigate because there may be a point that you can develop or redirect for yourself to become a parent that is best aligned with the parent that you would like to be.

In a chat once I asked Anu what I could do to best support my child and he said: Practice not reacting and perfect it.

So, if you see yourself in a situation where you see it is best to shout - breath, look at your reactions if you're having any, and look at your starting point of why you actually wanted to shout in the first place. Myself, in the same situation, I would have shouted, raised my voice, or enforced my authority because I was worried what others would think of me as a parent that could not keep the child 'under-control' - which is obviously a point of self-judgment.

As Christine suggested, try using touch. Maya H has written some great blogs in relation to this point as well where she suggested using different methods of distraction. When I get to my computer later, I will post the links to Maya's blogs as well as some other writings that have been supportive as I have walked the same point.

What I find really cool about us Destonians taking on Parenting is that we're going into areas of exploration that I have found no where else and we have full support as we do this. So, we can do as you have done and get perspectives, research, experiment and share what we've found.



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Carrie
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Carrie » 25 Aug 2013, 08:05

Here are the writings and interviews that I have found supportive in my process of changing myself as a parent within awareness of tonality, words, and standing as an example:

From Creation's Journey To Life:
Day 234: Parents as Gods - ADC - Part 81
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... rt-81.html

Day 295: Natural Learning Ability – Parenting Responsibility
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... ility.html

Day 297: Natural Learning Ability and Sound Tonality of Words
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... y-and.html

From Heaven's Journey To Life:
Mind-Energy Filters in Children – Part 1: DAY 106
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.co ... art-1.html

Also, as Anna suggested, listen to Parenting: Perfecting The Human Race. Parts 1 - 5 are currently free for download on EQAFE.



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 25 Aug 2013, 19:49

Yes, effectively i've had many discussion with the person downstairs for noises even before my doughter arrived. Those discussions were quite heavy also because he behaved in a quite "strange way".

For example once we had just came back home and he knocked the door. He was in bathrobe and he holded the passport in his hand and he "slammed" it on my face saying "my name is .... and if you don't stop this mess i'll call my policeman friends !" i remained a bit stuck at the moment and after i just answered "are you threatening me ?" then the argument went on a bit but i don't remember.

That time was really "engaging" for me and really conditioned my behaviour and my leaving in my house. Before continuing it must be pointed out that i've justified me mostly using the excuse "but it's common sense to not stump on the floor !" and i've used it as an excuse everytime it was the case that there were noises in the house.

Basically what was really deceptive for me that time was that i've felt challenged --> i initially have felt inferior --> then i have felt superior (i answered to the challenge with another threat: "are you threatening me ?") --> after i realized i wasn't completely satisfied of how things was gone as i hadn't felt "superior enough"/I felt inferior --> i've found sssssooo many alternatives to my behaviour or i had reproduced so many others different scenarios as all types of answers that i could have possibly said.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling superior/inferior to him because of my preconceptions/ideas of him because he is a sort of paratrooper sergeant.
My ideas are:
- Militaries are strong fighters but i'm better then him.
- Militaries think that they are "right" and that they are allowed to "command"/teach the others what is wrong or right and because of this they think to be "superior" (MY IDEA !!).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling threatened by militaries/policeman ecc...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that what they say is against my interests and because they "ARE WRONG" because of their believings but these believings are also the "STRONGEST BELIEVINGS" thus it's almost impossible for me to WIN and to have a communication with them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that military forces in general are wrong just because they are and whithin this i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not allowing myself to be present in the here with a policeman and not having allowed the present and the common sense in arriving together to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking/having the idea that policemen think to be "the fathers of the citizens, always ready to judge and punish these bad kids with fines" and for wanting to rebel to them in thinking that "we don't need a father figure that judge our behaviour through rules that are too general and are not made to be contestualized !"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having used the justification of the "rules that are too general and are not made to be contestualized" as an excuse or escamotage to feel free of them from the starting point of seeing them just as imposition for:
- letting the "boss" feel "powerful"
- an occasion of revenge towards the "boss" (in braking them)
- rules are just the result of the fears of the "boss" and we (subjects) are the payer of the consequences, so we MUST rebel to these rules because they have no purpose and are ALL purely against our interests, NO EXCEPTIONS !

At this point it doesn't need a genious to understand that i'm talking about my father !

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having identified the police forces ecc... with my father.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for feeling this need of vengenance towards my father as i have defined him the one who "shouted me without understanding me".

to be continued



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 25 Aug 2013, 20:34

Thankyou guys ! Your support is awesome !



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Anna
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Anna » 25 Aug 2013, 21:36

Cool Marco.

So as you've seen now for yourself, the point wasn't actually about the child jumping or making noise but about reactions that you accepted and allowed within you due to experiences in the past. Therefore I suggest to utilize this point as a reference whenever you experience reactions projected towards others (especially children) and to first and foremost investigate the reactions, so that you stand clear when you are directing the situation that this is based on a common sense consideration of what is best for all.

Suggest to now write out self-corrective statements and investigate how you can practically solve the point with the neighbor and to also apply self-forgiveness in context to projecting the reaction onto the child and seeing her as the problem.



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Kristina
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Kristina » 26 Aug 2013, 02:12

Cool points and support here All.

Mar, cool you identified that your reaction to the child jumping on the floor was actually being fueled by this past interaction/relationship that has developed with your neighbor. A suggestion here for possible solutions would be, if the child is old enough to communicate - then engage her in communication. You could ask her about the jumping, what is her experience within it, does she find it enjoyable, see where she's at within it. And then you can explain to her your living situation and how there are others around the building and there is a level of consideration that must be applied when living in that type of community. You could then make time to take her outside if she is in the moment wanting to jump around. I suggest this because a lot of times parents say "no - don't do that" to a child, without explaining the 'why' it should not be done. So perhaps a consideration when one wants to say 'no - don't do that' to explain to the child your reason for saying no and here you support to open up the child perspective of the world and start to consider others equally. Obviously this is age sensitive, so if she is at the age where you can communicate this type of thing with a certain level of understanding then cool. Communication does not have to be limited to just between adults, children are our equals and if we would dare to stand equal with them in communication, we might find they are receptive to understanding something like this and receptive to solutions.

So a suggestion to talk about it with your daughter, a cool way to get to know her better as understanding her wanting to jump around, as obviously she is a child and is simply expressing and enjoying herself, yet here we can start to live principles of equality in treating another as we would like to be treated - consider her an equal in the situation, communicate about the point with her and find solutions that work best for all involved; you, her and the neighbor.



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Garbrielle
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Garbrielle » 26 Aug 2013, 06:37

Awesome support here all, many points I haven't consider, thanks for sharing all and opening this point up Marco.




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