Shouting to a child ?

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Carrie
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Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Carrie » 03 Sep 2013, 07:09

Hey Mar - thanks for sharing this on the forum.

I agree with Anna. If this child has recently come into your living, your first task is to establish a relationship with the child. You are not the Disciplinarian and you are not the Educator. That is the mother's role until you all become settled with the new arrangement, communication has been established, and there is a better understanding of each other via a relationship.

It sounds to me like this girl is very physically active. So, as Anna suggested, bring her to the park. Get her out of the home, running around and being physical - if you can do this, she will be ready for bedtime with little resistance.

When my partner came to live with me and my daughter when she was 10, he looked for common interested activities that they could do together. This was a huge assistance for developing the father-child relationship. He did not make any of the parental decisions - that was my responsibility, though, I did consider his perspectives before making decisions. And this freed them up to have fun together and to really get to know each other. After a few years, she began to call my partner 'Dad' and that is who he is to her now - 14 years later.

This is not going to be easy. Parenting is quite a lot of work - and from what I watched with my partner, it will be even more difficult as the step-parent because you are now walking with a child whom you have not raised to this point and it's now your duty to find out where each of you fit into each others lives.



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sylvia
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby sylvia » 03 Sep 2013, 08:15

Cool support guys!

When my kids were smaller and we lived temporarily on a small apartment where all neighbors could enjoy each other's conversations through the walls we simply had to consider the neighbors to keep things livable. So mostly after dinner my kids were quite energetic and liked to jump around the apartment too, what we did we made it into a playful game while going outside and run around the building block. For them it was releasing this physical energy before going into a few hours of cooling down and going to bed.



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 04 Sep 2013, 00:54

My daughter is 6 years old.

Glad that my experience can be supportive for others, i will continue to post in the forum !

Thank you for your support everybody, i can feel your presence and your perspectives are really close to what i'm living !



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 08 Sep 2013, 13:47

COming back to the experience when i holded my daughter to calm her down, i've had a bit of a realization about it.

The matter that what i've done was effective but i felt gulty about it anyway was dued to basically that i felt tired and this tiredness was "overwelming". I just "wanted to rest" and i felt this as an egohistic point that i couldn't escape from. This lead me to an "imposition" to my daughter (i've IMPOSED her to calm down). Though i can say that nevertheless it worked good because after she seemed to me a bit more "aware" of what was the point, instead of simply "annihilated", the very fact that i used my superior strength in what it was a "battle for righteness" seemed to me UNFAIR. As if i know that if i would use this tecnique i would have "won without respect". As if i wouldn't had allowed myself to be wrong.

This is basically a fear/idea that i've in me, that is that IF i'm having an arguing with somebody and i intrinsecally/self-honestly know that i'm right but i cannot justify/explain the point with appropriate and "strong" words to actually "win the fight FAIRLY" (which is that ultimately the other understand what's my point and says "yes") i'm not allowed to make my point (the point) to be respected with other methods.
Almost if it is that "if i'm not able to DEFEND MY POINT with words and arguments, i'm not allowed to be respected and it's right being abused". All this in the name of the superiority construct/idea that "inferior people use violence to obtain targets, while superior ones use speach".
So i'm actually allowing myself being abused (in not using "brute force" or other methods) to preserve this superiority concept that i have about me.

This will be reflected also on my daughter because if there is an eventuality that is required to be stopped but i don't allow myself to accept that i may be "not good enough" to stop her with words and explaination, so that it will require a "force intervention", i may instead hold on the believs that if i use "brute force" i'm "inferior"/unworthy/"like the others that i disdain" and that "i will teach violence to the child" (i will make her become like who i disdain) and so from this egohistical point of "not acting" she may result harmed in the end.

Example:

My daughter is playin close to the road with the ball.
- me "don't play near the road because it's dangerous"
- she "i just won't go on the road"

But she is playing with the ball and i perfectly know that she won't pay attention to the road in the excitement of the game as i've seen it many other times, while the consequences of a car accident are too dangerous. I realize that i'm not able to let my daughter understand and accept this point in that very moment, so this may require a "force action", i just can't let she play because she "won the words battle".
After i will explain better the concepts to her and i will explain her that i used "force" because she was too excited to understand me and also because i wasn't able to express myself correctly and in an understandable way in that very moment.

----------

So my guiltiness derived by the combination of these two points:
- overwhelming tiredness
- losing the "word battle" and recurring to "brute force battle" as an unfair position -> inferiority feeling -> i've behaved like my parents that i disdain so much.

forgiveness soon



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Garbrielle
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Garbrielle » 08 Sep 2013, 21:18

Example:

My daughter is playin close to the road with the ball.
- me "don't play near the road because it's dangerous"
- she "i just won't go on the road"

But she is playing with the ball and i perfectly know that she won't pay attention to the road in the excitement of the game as i've seen it many other times, while the consequences of a car accident are too dangerous. I realize that i'm not able to let my daughter understand and accept this point in that very moment, so this may require a "force action", i just can't let she play because she "won the words battle".
After i will explain better the concepts to her and i will explain her that i used "force" because she was too excited to understand me and also because i wasn't able to express myself correctly and in an understandable way in that very moment.

----------

So my guiltiness derived by the combination of these two points:
- overwhelming tiredness
- losing the "word battle" and recurring to "brute force battle" as an unfair position -> inferiority feeling -> i've behaved like my parents that i disdain so much.

forgiveness soon
Yes, it's a cool point to look at the polarity that is playing out here between allowing oneself to use force against a child to do what one see's is best and finding alternatives that stop all abuse and still are able to do what is best for the child is a point to open up and discuss because this is how we within all our relationships in our world are operating as if we are not heard through words, we will use force to get our point across. The line of this is very thin as well and is used way to often in self interest then what is best as we see with the manifestation of weapons and war for example. I would say the only necessary reason to use force towards another is if there is imminent danger, like pushing a child out of the way of a moving car for example, that extreme is only a reason I would say to use physical force against another. My parents when I was younger use to spank me on the bum, and it did subdue me and make me listen to them cause I was afraid to get spanked, but this is promoting violence to have a child listen, and I never really learned and understood what they wanted me to do and why, and so my stopping was based on fear and thus a resistance to the parent was created to fear them and to do things in secret otherwise I would be punished, which created more unnecessary consequence, that for another discussion tho.

So it's important I have found to speak to children in all ways that I can come up with through bringing the situation here within me, and placing myself in the child shoes, how would I best be able to explain this if I was the kid, what helped me learn, what made me listen. If I (as the parent for instance) was in reaction, then stop speaking and only speak when I am stable, find that place within me to stop because I know if I continue it will be based on force and energy to release the point rather then standing as an equal to the child, and finding solutions that will be best. Sometimes it will not be possible to speak to the child because they will just go into a temper tantrum, for this, I would just allow it until the child has calm down and after the child has stabilized, explain the point, open a dialogue and continue it until the point is discussed properly and the child understands the point you are making, no matter how long it takes.

So when we feel defeated within ourselves based on apparent experiences of tiredness or resistances that seem overwhelming, this would be cool points to investigate in writing and self forgive and give yourself direction to change in your living because obviously this is not an excuse, violence or overbearing towards a child in any case I would say is unacceptable, and we should push ourselves to find solutions through showing through words and creating the openness for discussion with the child until the point is clear and the child has shown the ability to understand and integrated it into themselves. Obviously, this has to be considered within the age of the child, but I have found even at young ages, children understand simplistic truths and with patiences from the parent the understanding can come forth eventually.

So I realize it's not as easy to live this then to write it here, but through these principles of pushing oneself through finding ways through words and examples until the child understands the point being expressed no matter how long it takes, using patiences, allowing the child to walk through their own energy reactions and stabilize again not allowing self to react and go into a point of conflict, finding any and all points of solution that will create a safe environment for the child, and continue the process of self forgiveness and finding the correction to live that will be best, I can then ensure I am doing all I am able to to find solutions that is supporting the child to be self responsible and learn how to use common sense through these principles being lived and shown to the child by the parent's example. Our children are priority and deserve the best of ourselves, so doing what is best no matter what it takes within self, is how I will best go about supporting the kids around me and my own some day pushing myself always to live as an example that I would want for myself if I was a child and bringing it back to the physical reality, what makes sense, and what will support and create solutions that support the child and all in the best way possible.

Thanks for sharing Mar and all, this thread is very supportive.



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Anna
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Anna » 09 Sep 2013, 08:10

Cool support Garb.



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 14 Sep 2013, 00:18

Yes, this line between abuse and care is very thin and that's for this reason that i think it needs a lot of attention.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that tiredness can be "overwhelming" and for having abdicated my power over myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for thinking that all that was happening was "too much" for me/bigger then me/had power over me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that i've stopped to whatch the "night movie" because of her arrive and that it was my right to take back this habit regardless of her energy state and temper tantrum.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having thought that i was too tired for paying her attention.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having been worried of her behaviour (and for probably having mirrored in it) in having defined it as superficial/empty/end in itself/manipulative/selfish/like saying "play with me, please don't go.... i'm happy look at me, so it's fun to play with me.... i want just to do everything that is needed to preserve this ENERGY EFFUSION STATE"

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having feared this behaviour probably because related to my experience.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for having felt guilty towards her and towards her mother after that she had calmed down, probably dued to the starting point of my behaviour (rather then my behaviour in itself).

When and as I see that I go into seeing tiredness as overwhelming, like if everything begins to be "too much"– I immediately stop myself, take a breath and bring myself back here; and I see, realize and understand that first of all this should not affect the child in anyway. Second, i need to slow down and think (and write) about why i had gone to such a point.



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Maite
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Maite » 14 Sep 2013, 13:39

Very cool Mar!



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Anna
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby Anna » 14 Sep 2013, 14:48

Very cool Marco.

Yes, definitely suggest to be patient and gentle both with yourself and with the child.



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mar
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Re: Shouting to a child ?

Postby mar » 14 Sep 2013, 21:35

Thankyou !




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