A 4 years old girl with fear

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Marja
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A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Marja » 25 Sep 2013, 14:07

Two years ago we (me, my husband, daughter and 2 granddaughters) we moved from the Netherlands to another country because the suspencion of fysical and mental abuse from the father to my granddaughter. We could not prove anything so we decided to go away.
My granddaughter was very scared in that time, hided herself in the buggy when we came outsie, scared to see her father. She was very scared at night and waked up at 4, 5 oclock. After a few months this ended.
Now after 2 years she is scared again at night and wakes uo very scary and we have to hold her.
My questions are:
What can we do?
How can we help her?
Has this something to do with the past? Is there any Desteni material to support me?
Thank you in advance, Marja



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Carrie
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Carrie » 25 Sep 2013, 15:16

Hey Marja.

I have been walking this same point with my young son and myself as we both have a fear of the dark. My son is going on 6 years old and still asks to have the light on at night - me, I no longer require this. What I have found makes his process of letting go of his fear challenging is that I haven't yet developed the vocabulary with him to assist him with understanding that Fear is not real and exists in our minds only. I mean, he can hear what I'm saying but to him, what happens in his mind is just as real as anything that happens in the physical. So, what I have been doing is to show him via my actions and then following up with the words.

When we are outside at night in the dark, I move slowly and do not rush to get into the house or to where we can turn on the light. Here he sometimes will speak about specific fears that are coming up and I can direct them with common sense: yes, there are things you cannot see out here - however, it is unlikely that anything is going to get us. Let's instead breath and enjoy being in the dark together.

And sometimes, I will lay with him in his bed and suggest that we turn off the light. We talk, play with some if his toys that light up or make light patterns in the ceiling, or play games together on my phone.

I realize that it's best if I am patient with the process, breath, make sure that I'm not reacting, and simply allow myself to be there in the dark with him. It has also assisted that I have written out, self-forgiven, and walked my self-correction of the fear of the dark so that when he has points that come up I can direct them because I have walked the solution myself.

There are EQAFE interviews on Fear and you can also listen to The Design of Series (viewforum.php?f=40) related to Fear here on the forum which will assist you to understand the nature of fear so that you can better assist and support the child as you do the same for yourself. For me, Fear was a point that was expanded upon in detail within the DIP Pro course - so this is something to consider for yourself also.



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Anna
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Anna » 25 Sep 2013, 19:52

I definitely suggest practicing physical stabilization techniques with the child, similar to what Carrie suggests - so that even at such an early age, the child can learn how to ground herself when the experience of fear comes up -- that it isn't Her, that she doesn't have to participate and that she is still here, sound and stable. So here it is important that the adults stand as an example, making sure you stabilize yourself and then for example take her on your knee, simply sitting there breathing together. A point within this is also that if the child receives hugs and kisses when it's scared, it might actually associate the feeling of being scared with something positive and then deliberately re-create the experience to get comforted. So that's why I suggest to rather focus on simply being a 'physical presence' here with the child, providing her with an example of stability that she can utilize as a bridge to stabilize herself.

My perspective is that fear is in many cases an inevitable consequence of the current world-system and the integration of the mind-consciousness-system in the human being. As such fear is one of the base-platforms from which the mind takes over the being. If there has then also been traumatic experiences early on in the child's life, they might be more prone to fear. This is however simply my own perspective, also based on my personal experiences.

In the case with trauma it might be best to seek out professional help as well (like a child psychologist), because the experiences/memories can be 'lingering'/suppressed and are now coming up to the surface, even though it happened two years ago. So something I suggest is to see if you can differentiate whether the fears are simply 'typical' childhood fears or if they are specifically related to the trauma. (This trauma could also be connected to seeing the adults around her react towards what happened and the subsequent uprooting). This is something that a professional therapist could possibly assist with. Another route is to find a professional homeopath who can assist the child with specific homeopathic remedies directed towards anxiety and fear.



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Marja
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Marja » 25 Sep 2013, 20:08

Thank you Carrie,.Sylvia and Anna,for your support. I am doing the dip pro course. I will share your comments with my daughter.



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SylvieJacobs
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby SylvieJacobs » 25 Sep 2013, 20:29

It is also recommended to massage children's feet on a daily basis. For yourself/self stabilization you could apply metamophosis massage/metamorphic technique on the feet once a week. This technique you can google, either in english or in dutch.



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Cathy
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Cathy » 26 Sep 2013, 06:38

Carrie wrote: I mean, he can hear what I'm saying but to him, what happens in his mind is just as real as anything that happens in the physical. So, what I have been doing is to show him via my actions and then following up with the words.

When we are outside at night in the dark, I move slowly and do not rush to get into the house or to where we can turn on the light. Here he sometimes will speak about specific fears that are coming up and I can direct them with common sense: yes, there are things you cannot see out here - however, it is unlikely that anything is going to get us. Let's instead breath and enjoy being in the dark together.

And sometimes, I will lay with him in his bed and suggest that we turn off the light. We talk, play with some if his toys that light up or make light patterns in the ceiling, or play games together on my phone.

I realize that it's best if I am patient with the process, breath, make sure that I'm not reacting, and simply allow myself to be there in the dark with him. It has also assisted that I have written out, self-forgiven, and walked my self-correction of the fear of the dark so that when he has points that come up I can direct them because I have walked the solution myself.
This is excellent support Carrie because in doing so you're assisting him to transform dependencies on feelings into a self expression and establishing a point of stability and self trust while correcting how the mind uses feeling dependencies to keep the relationship to the fear intact.



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sylvia
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby sylvia » 26 Sep 2013, 10:10

My perspective on this fear is to establish whether this is a real fear as in a real physical threat or a fear that has it's roots in previous abuse or a fear that is conceived by the mind through several feelings and emotions of the child self or her surrounding. So did the adults around her recently speak about the father (in fear), about him being able to find them, for instance. So my suggestion on FB was already let her draw and watch her play or play with her and see through her expression where she's at within this fear. And therefore not making more out of it by really deeply discussing it and feeding the fear so to speak. When the adults are able to be stable around her, things will be easier as is said already, so there is a process for the adults ahead. And Marja cool you're in Dip-pro, that way you will work with fears and you will understand them for what they are, which gives you this possibility to assist and support your granddaughter.

Seeking professional help will only be helpful when the child speaks enough Croatian in order to express what's going on inside of her, if so I would walk that process and seek for someone that is specialized in these problems and working with foreign kids.

Simply be there for her and comfort her when she is in fear and at the same time show her by example that it is possible to get oneself out of a fear when it's not a real physical threat where a 2 year old already had to experience that she had no power to change the situation. So it's important to address this fear as it can develop in all kind of nasty limiting stuff later in life, either with support from outside the family, support from the family or best, both ways of support at the same time.



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Marja
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Marja » 26 Sep 2013, 12:32

Sylvia suggested to play with dolls.
Yesterday I slept with my granddaughters after we played with lego. She said she was afraid of a black person/animal in an animated movie when she watched television a few days ago. When we played lego we took some little dolls and one of them was the black person. The black person took her with her to another place where she was very scared. She liked the game very much and in her fantasy there were policeofficers to help her immediately and after this game there were a lot of other games with lions, wolfs etc. This night she was not afraid and slept very well.

L. speaks already very well Croatian because she goes to a kindergarden, but the professional psychological help is not like in West-Europe and there are no homeopathic doctors. Anyway I am grafeful for all advices and we will definitely use them when needed.



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Carrie
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Carrie » 26 Sep 2013, 13:26

This night she was not afraid and slept very well.
AWESOME Marja!



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Anna
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Re: A 4 years old girl with fear

Postby Anna » 26 Sep 2013, 16:37

Very cool Marja.

Let us know how it goes!




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