Am I raising a wimp?

Lana
Posts: 24
Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 20:55
Location: Germany

Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Lana » 22 Feb 2014, 23:48

hello girls and guys!

don't know if I am palcing my questions/problems at the right spot here, but I guess the topic can also be moved if necessary. in advance, pleace excuse my poor vocabulary and my spelling, but I will just write out what is giving me a hard time a.t.m.

as some of you may know I have a little son, next saturday he will be exactly 3 years old. he is a difficult child I would say, difficult with me and my husband - a very good child at day care or with some other people like my father and a good friend of mine. I have never actually asked for advise in a forum regarding his behaviour, but I talked to his pediatrician once and she coulnd't tell me anything, I guess she wasn't interested enough (what I experineced with a few pediatricians). I was speaking to the nannies at daycare and they also haven't been able to give me any kind of advise. what i always get to hear is tha some children are like that, period. so the point is, my son is in a constant moaning. he is always complaining, very often crying (no tears, just doing the sound). also he has a fixation on me and sometimes (no almost allways) he would hang himself around my leg and not let go when I bring him to day care. it is getting better now cause he has a substitute there, a teacher he really likes. so I practically take him and put him into her arms, where he stays hugging her and cuddling with her. at least he is not crying while she is there.

this constant moaning and crying started when he was 16 months old. I guess the ego started to develop early and that was and still is his way to cope with it, but it's very exhausting for me. it is more than 1,5 years that I am trying to fing aout how to deal with his ego. I sometimes just break down and cry, cause I don't know what to do, it's like I could never do the right thing, or I do something and it is still not good enough, and he is moaning and crying and actually never satisfied. I feel horrible thinking that my child must be so unhappy. he comes home from day care (my husband picks him up) and I can hear how they open the door downstairs, noa seems to be in a good mood. as soon as he opens the door to our flat and sees me, he start monaing and crying, throwing himself on the floor. my reaction is that I actually just want to run away. I tried soothing him. I tried ignoring him. I even probably yelled at him at one point, but nothing changes. telling him to stop doesn't work, and what drives me crazy is that he sometimes doesn't have a reason doing this.

a very typical situation we had today once again was at the supermarket. I went to the store with my best friend, noa loves her and likes spending time with her. so we took him with us, since I want him to learn everything in the everyday life. as soon as we got there my friend actually started to <ve hectic, is was ful, almost noon and saturday, many people, many children etc. we put him into the shopping cart and as soon as I would not push the cart or I would go and take some groceries he would call me Mama, Mama. he repeats this word 1000 times a day, I sometimes can't hear it anymore. he doesn't even say anything after that, just this constant Mama calling. my friend was totally pissed int he end and she told me that I have to be more strict with him, that I am raising a wimp, that he should be more selfcontained. she was yelling at him at the store cause he touched something she didn't want him to. he should be able to understand if someone says no and if I am not able to raise him properly ( yes I am avoiding to make him cry, cause I am so sick of hearing it) and shout at him he will be a terrible child later on. if he doesn't want to cooperate at the supermarket and if he starts to throw himself on the floor or if he cries I should lock him up in the car and leave him by himself.
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I can't do that and I don't think it's right leaving a crying child locked up in a car by himself and walking away. I also don't know what to do and how to deal with my sons need to constantly have my attention. I would understand if this would be the case in the last few months, cause I'm pregnant and children react to that, but he is being like that more than 1,5 years. I always spent time with him, I still do, every day. we cuddle allot, he needs the physical touch and I stroke his hands, arms, legs and hair every day. I hold him and I tell him I am here. if we are together he is contantly with me, on me, next to me, unable to play by himself. OK it happens sometimes, but I kow that he is able to focus an play by himself, he is doing it every day at daycare. yea, sometimes I'm pissed cause he would not listen to me or just ignore me if I tell him f.i. to not chase the cat, and if we have a fight I would always show him that was just temporary and we are fine, no grudge or anything like that shoul stay, cause you just have to start over with your child... I don't see what I'm doing wrong? am I to soft? am I raising a wimp? there is a child at daycare that bites my son and he doesn't say no to this boy, he just cries, never hits back. will all of this change with the development of his speaking skills?

do you parents and not parents have any idea how to deal with the situation? is this just a question of "personality" and I can't do anything about it, but accept him the way he is, breathe through it and let it go? I would be very thankful for any kind of responses!

thanks
Lana



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Antoaneta
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Joined: 16 Jun 2011, 04:05

Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Antoaneta » 23 Feb 2014, 06:55

Hi Lana,
I work in a day care center with Prek 3-5 years old. And my son will be 2 in March. But here is my perspective as a parent and a teacher.

Overall all children will have their expression so to speak and will begin to built up characters based on the information (DNA) that has been passed by both parents- so you may see traits of yourself and your husband in your child as well as their immediate environment (school and home discipline). So these two (DNA/Environment) will play a major part in the child's social and academic development.
In the States we are not allowed to spank children (as it is not an effective practice I would say) however I do practice at my job and with my son firmness and consequences for actions and behavior. I do time out. At work we have an area called the "cozy" area/corner and at home I have designated a specific place for when my son is acting out/not following directions or whines, or is upset. The following perspective is what I practice at work and with my son:
If I ask my son to clean up his toys (and I am very strict about this one- because I am teaching him that it is his responsibility to pick up after himself) and he throws me tantrum about it- I send him in the couch seat (his designated area) until he calms himself down and then we come back to clean up the toys. I also practice this with my Prek students because they are older to understand choices. I give them two choices and they have to pick one- for example- if a child is acting out during circle time- I ask them to either sit criss cross and participate or go in the cozy area and I explain that I will not allow them to disturb the rest of their "friends". This works good with majority- however we do have a few children who exhibit behavior issues who fail to listen when I ask them to leave the circle time because they constantly disturb thus I have to physically remove them to the cozy area and they will start crying. So when they clam down they can come back- and later I keep having the same conversation over and over with them because that is something that keeps occurring. I am also aware of their being (meaning who has social emotional issues they are dealing with- home environment- home discipline- financial status) as there seems to be a coloration to financial stability and the way the parents would raise their children. So these methods will work with majority of children unless there is a specific issues going on behavioral/emotional where I think a different approach should be done which unfortunately here is a reward system for practicing good behavior- but I have not come across any other way to get these children to listen because the core issue is not addressed and I am not aware of what that issue is- some parents are not cooperative.
Back to my son- he has stubborn traits- where he gets mad and lays on the floor crying and squeezes his hands and face becomes all red when he wants something and does not get it-usually toys. And I understand that this is part of his social emotional behavior however I do not allow this to further develop. I stop it at the beginning with showing him that this way of expressing is not Ok- he is a little behind on talking which will explain why he expresses this way as well- thus I model to him the correct way with using his words- so when he catches up with language development he will understand that he needs to communicate with words. I also raise my voice firmly- at times I do get out of control and it turns into yelling- but that is something Sunette assisted me in our chats- to use sound and not emotion when raising the voice, staying in control, not reacting but directing.
With whining I would suggest having a designated area in your house when he gets that way- sent him there until he stops and calms down- explain to him that you don't like the whining, keep talking to him over and over until he gets the point that you will not allow him to whine and he needs to get control of himself. If he can do it at day care, he can do it at home. Also at day care I would go and leave him (crying or not crying). Don' feel bad about leaving him crying- he will do it for about 10 minutes and get distracted with something else- but if you keep staying there waiting for him to stop crying- it makes it worse for the child and seems like he has already built this character of crying when being left at day care. I only stayed with my son the first few days he went to day care because it was a new place- but the following times I started to leave when he was crying, I said bye, I will see you later and left. Now I just drop him off, he tells me bye and gives me a kiss and I go.
Also it seems like he has already developed the whiny character- here I would look at yourself and how you you have been with him- if you feel bad about it when he is crying and have babied him over the course of time- he has gotten used to this which is why he will keep acting this way with you. Don't baby him unless there is a physical reason (he fell, he is sick...) If you are being strict- you need to be consistent with the strictness/ discipline. My son got a kitchen set and he began playing with it by tossing the parts around and kicking them- I immediately addressed it- showed him how to play with those toys and when he did it again I raised my voice I told him those toys are not a ball and if he wanted to toss something I gave him the ball. He did it again- I physically took the toys out of his reach so that he saw me do it and send him to sit on the couch because he got upset that I took the toys away. The toys stayed up where he could see them but could not reach them. I kept them there for a few days- then I took some of them down. Today he played with them nicely.
Another scenario: He was eating at the table- got up and walked away from him food- I asked him if he was all done- he said no- i said come back and sit-he came back- then got up again- I took the food away. He got upset- couch- he calmed down- I gave it back after he sat down. Sot the next time all I had to say is "sit" and he was not getting up. I also model the behavior I want to teach.
Bed time consistent- night time routine- he cries when I leave the room- for about 5 minutes then goes to sleep by himself. If I stay in the room with him- he takes forever to fall asleep- so from a young age I began leaving him by himself in the crib, unless he is sick, feeling some sort of discomfort- I let him be-fall asleep on his own. At my moms he does not have a crib so my mom lets him sleep with her in bed- so he had hard time adjusting from place to place- but now he knows that when he is home with me- he will go to sleep in his crib- when he visits my mom he gets to sleep in the bed. He needs to know what the rules are of the house so to speak and in that process learning independency while being guided by mom and dad.
Tell your son how you expect him to be in the supermarket- if he whines you will no longer take him with you- keep explaining over and over again- and actually stick to what you say you will do- don't just use it as a treat.
Hope that helps you. I would also schedule a chat with Sunette regarding this to talk about the other perspectives regarding this behavior. But I would say do not accept it and nurture it any longer, do not let it go, it may start developing into insecurity and more dependency for his emotional state on you. That is my perspective and advice.

So in general- if you see a behavior that is not Ok- stop it at the beginning and model the behavior that you want to teach, keep doing it until he gets the point that he will not be getting away with this behavior. Teach discipline how you would teach it to yourself with consistency- pushing on the point, not letting it slide.

Oh...and ya- praise him with words for "good" behavior- not saying "good boy" but actually saying what he did and that he should be proud of himself (not that you are proud of him) There was a study done that if you say you are proud of the child- they will seek to please you- but if you tell them they should be proud of themselves- they learn get self satisfaction in the actions they do.
For example: Wow, I see you used the brush and dipped it in less water and more paint to get the colors out- that's something to be proud of yourself.
Your son is entering the 3 years old age where he will begin to understand better- which is why a two year old behavior should not be nurtured.
Are you having hard time potty training?



Lana
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Location: Germany

Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Lana » 23 Feb 2014, 08:28

hey anna, thank you for your perspective.

first I have to say I use the time out technique since he is 1,5 years old. his time out space is his room, he has a carpet in there and can throw himself on the floor and cry as long as he wants to. I tell him he can return after he finished crying and most of the time this is what he does. so, this worked for a while, but now he just refuses to go to his room when I tell him, cause he knows I am not able to physically move him there, I am pregnant and he is 17 kilo of weight. this situation with time out happens every day, sometimes only once, sometimes again and again and most of the time I actually don't see any results in it. I mean I'm doing it 1,5 years and the whining did not get better. I usually talk to him after the time out, when he calmed down and explain why I asked him to do or not do something. I also try to keep it simple, it's not always easy.
we also have quite similar scenarios like you with viktor. he plays along with the food or leaves the table etc. I ask him to sit down again if he didn't finish. and guess what, he doesn't sit down, so I remove the plate and he starts screaming. then I ask him to go to his room and return when he is done with being upset. this can happen almost every day. at day care he is able to sit down and eat his food, the teachers are fond of him and always tellin me how easy he is to handle, how good his motorics is etc. also his social skills, he is using the words thank you and please, he is being kind to the other children there. When we started day care he would stay there without any problems or crying. then after 2 months he started to cry every time I would go. the teachers assisted me with telling me just the same you did. to give a kiss, say good bye and just go. I know he calms quickly after I'm gone and plays or he is having breakfast. the point is, when we step into the room where his group is, I can't even walk, cause he is literally wraping himself around my leg. we don't get to go inside like normal people, that is why I am now removing him from my leg and putting him into the arms of his teacher and I just walk away (still giving him a kiss and a goodbye).

I also don't praise him much, only for stuff that is worth it. like his first pee in the potty. If he has done something nicely I tell him he has done a great job. when he is proud of himself he shows it by clapping his hands and saying "great". this usually happens after he practised something for a long time, but sometimes he is also proud of himself for simple things ;)
and yes, he refuses the potty and I am not physically strong enough at the moment for the whole procedure of cleaning him and after him if we don't make it on time and he pees or even worse, poos himself. the point is, he could tell me when he needs to go, but he doesn't do it. so the couch now has a nice pee mark... if I ask him to go to potty he says no and that he wants a diaper. we have a potty and a toilet seat for him, he can even choose. unfortunately my husband is not supporting me in the training, and I don't feel well a.t.m. so the potty training has to wait for a while. also my husband tends to be very strict with noa and our son in return whines even more, cause he hopes I would help him. I don't do that, if he has to take a time out and refuses to go to his room, my husband moves him there (if he is at home). so if noa feels uncomfortable he would cry out for me, for whatever reason.

he is sleeping by himself in his room, and my husband is bringing him to bed since he was a baby, he sleeps very good since he is 3 months old. he only sleeps next to me if he is sick and needs more attention. I also don't comfort him if I previously told him what would happen if he continues doing something. so he for example keeps playing with his food. I tell him to stop cause the plate and food will end up on the floor and that is what happens in the next few seconds. should I stop him earlier? remove him from the table and send him to his room? he will cry anyway, so should I do the time out before it even happens? I also don't comfort him if I see he will hurt himself (fall down), cause he doesn't care. I tell him to stop since he will hurt himself and if he goes on he has to deal with it. I would comfort him in case of severe pain, of course, I'm not doing it for simple falling on the floor etc. instead I'm telling him to get up. he always wants me to lift him up or to give him my hand and I am refusing that too. cause he even wants me to hold his hand while he or while we are eating... so I have to wait till he gets up by himself and stops crying. I usually leave the room he is in, cause he can be very loud and my ears are damaged by now. so yes, I started leaving him by himself, I'm still there, but I don't stay next to him, cause I can't stand his crying voice anymore. yesterday I left him with my husband and went for a walk with the dog after he wouldn't stop whining.

I hope this gives a little more information about our current situation.



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terhas
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby terhas » 23 Feb 2014, 09:16

hey lana,

i havent birthed any children myself but i have been around them all my life. specifically babies and young children as my mother was a midwife and i was able to see and assist in at home births growing up. most recently the past two years i have had my little sister living with me. she is now 16. i was also a live in nanny to my niece, which i helped assist in her at home birth as well, for the first year and a half of her life. she will be 3 in june. i agree with antoaneta on the point of dna. thats usually where things start. traits from urself and noa's father are passed on within the dna. not that it means that everything from him is from u. but thats where he starts. i have found with little ones that because they are so engulfed in the process of growing that it is hard for them to direct themselves. all the time. thats why they sometimes get upset. they are overwhelmed and just experiencing the point of overwhelmed for the first time and they dont understand it. when my niece begins to get upset it is usually for a reason that is not necessary. because she cannot do something she is trying to do, because she is not allowed to do something she wants to do, because she needs to do something she does not want to do. not that it is not important but because her brain is still developing she places direct focus on her idea of it in that first moment. which is "i dont know. why?that doesnt feel good. i am upset." children need direction. and it must be firm as anna metioned. they have to be able to trust it. and if they havent been able to trust it -it has to develop that trust with consistency. implementation of anything takes time. language and understanding alike. i talk to my niece just like i would talk to anyone who is doing something they dont need to be doing when she is doing it. i explain the detail of it more to her, i suppose. because she is just learning everything. the way i choose to interact with my niece translates in the way she interacts with me back. the more i trust and stand as what i tell her the more she understands its validity. with the needless moaning/crying -i would suggest when he is doing it say, "no, dont do that. theres nothing wrong with u noa. stop that crying." or " theres no need for that moaning noa. stop that. u are ok." or " oh noa, u are fine. u dont have to be crying. stop that." and to be firm with it. and consistent. if he really is fine, there really is no need for the crying and moaing. and its ok to say that. and he needs to hear u say that. he needs to see u trust what u say when u say it to him. and he needs to hear u mean it. it may not happen the first time but the more u show to him that this is the response to the behavior the more he will learn that u mean what u say. u say he has a fixation on u. at this point it he has had 3 years of it. i have seen points take one moment to physically manifest as behavior in my niece. she is always learning. whats ok, what is not. i gave her a hammer today and some other tools and my brother, playing around, was telling her to hit his knee to make it jump. they were having fun and shes smiling with him. then she comes over to me and says "teetee let me hammer on u." in the "game" my brother failed to explain to my niece that u dont hammer people because it will hurt them. and that is not ok. so in that instant she assumed it was ok to hammer on people. i explained to hurt that hammering someone will hurt them. and that she is not to hammer people. only nails. lol to which she looked at her hand. so i grabbed a nail and asked her what it was. she said "a nail!" lol i wanted to make sure she knew that yes two things were called nails but that they were two different type of nails. and one is for hammering and one is not. and this doesnt mean that she will not try and hammer someone in the future. but it means an explanation is needed with learning. so tell him he does not have to hang on mama. and mean it. and dont let him do it. tell him he is fine. telling him these things will not push him away. but will allow him to be without u. and it doesnt mean not to comfort ur child if he is hurt and needs that. but there is no reason for him to ever be hanging on u. with the tantrums, again he has had time to get in a groove with it. implementation of new behavior and values and understanding takes time. especially for a budding child. i would try first standing stable within u. if u are unstable it will translate somewhere in ur behavior. kids pick up on it all. u cant fake it with them. when he is on the floor go pick his self and and explain to him that he is fine. and that he doesnt have to do that. ask him maybe, "is there something u want to say? because u can say it. u should use ur voice. pick urself up./come on up/ come on with me/come on take my hand and pick urself up". i try to be really light when my niece is angry. not to downplay her but to downplay the validity of the emotion. because usually there is something she wants to communicate or forgot to ask for help. if its anything else she going to be told " oh, stop. u dont have to be upset right now. tell me whats up." or "take a deep breath and count to four" (we watch daniel tigers neighborhood, a tv show, and it teaches children to deal with thing through song. one of my favorites is - when u get so mad and u wanna roar take a deep breath *and they breathe in and out* and count to four. one..two..three..four- we try to tie in what she does watch on tv to the physical. make it real. with chasing the cat/listening to u when u tell him something its best again to be stable and firm in what u are saying. explain to him with words why he should or should not do something. will the cat scratch him? is he hurting the cat? rough with the cat? making loud noise when he runs? with children we should never just say dont do this or that or do this or that. that need to know why to connect understanding with a statement. since he seems to always want ur attention it might be supportive to help him switch that attention to himself. what does he enjoy? drawing, getting messy, playing with his hands, loud toys, building, trains, books, bright toys, songs? encourage those activities when he is fixated on u. u will probably have to do these things with him at first. then encourage him to explore alone the things he enjoy. avoidance is never supportive. know that when u avoid he avoids because hes 3. u avoid doing things that will make him cry = he avoids dealing with the point of needless crying. the road of parenting is hard. these things dont translate so well when the child is older i have found. so best to address now when the child is still eager. because he is eager. mostly for ur guidance.



Lana
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Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 20:55
Location: Germany

Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Lana » 23 Feb 2014, 10:49

hello tree, I was hoping you would share some of your experience with me :)

I made the decision to be more strict or firm with him. why I am sometimes not strict is cause I don't enjoy raising a child the way being constantly strict, means we have so many monaing/whining points (even now while I am trying to type he is doing it). I sometimes just wish having a good time with my child, but it seems to be impossible, because he will find a reason to start the crying (or I will give him a reason, even if I don't see it as something a child should be upset about). I understand very well that he is overwhelmed, one more reason why I am gentle towards him, I am strict (well I think I am), but also gentle. there is a question inside of me that comes up and that one is if I am maybe asking to much from a 3 year old? am I expecting things he can't even fulfill at this moment, cause he is simply to young? am I to strict? is he unable to cope with what I am explaining to him?
I am telling him he has no reason to moan and that he is ok. I am preaching this now for a long time, more than a year (yes I feel like a preacher meanwhile). Also that he should try expressing with words if something is wrong, cause I can't read his mind. he is starting to speak now, so he is quite late, but he is growing up bilingual and that seems to be OK. often he refuses to even look at me when I talk to him. I go down on my knees and speak to him so he can look at me and maybe understand better, but he often doesn't want to comunicate with me. he also refuses to be shown how things work, or how to do something an easier way, since he was a baby. he tries his own ways and goes on this (wrong) way until he gives up an cries, but doesn't want me to help him. this stubborn behaviour can go on for many months. OK, how that he can say that he needs help he started to use our offer, but that is a recent development.
the reason I am not giving him a hand when he falls down is cause in 80% of cases he throws himself on the floor. he even practices this in front of a mirror with the purpose of having my attention. If he really falls down I help him up and comfort him since his crying is different if real pain is involved.

the avoiding thing is something I was told by an educationalist. she said that in this very emotional phase it sometimes is better to avoid the crying attack and try to redirect the child. but I see what you mean, and it's a good point you have there.

thanks for your reply!



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Anna
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Anna » 23 Feb 2014, 11:20

Hi Lana.

My perspective is to first and foremost bring the point back to yourself in terms of sorting out and releasing any reactions you might have towards your son, because as we have learned here at Desteni, a lot of time the child's reactions will be a direct reflection of what they're resonantly picking up in the adults around them and especially from their parents. So the primary point I would look at is: How can I change to assist my child to change? A lot of the times the points a child picks up on may for you be very subtle or even sub- and unconscious, meaning that you might not even be aware of it yourself. Therefore what is suggested is to walk a process through writing of investigating your own reactions towards your child - and rather than only looking at modifying his behavior, also investigate your own responsibility within the relationship.

I also wouldn't suggest applying 'parenting rules' as rigidly in terms of having decided that "When he does this, I do that". Because each moment is different and there can be lots of things going on within a child's developmental process as well as in their relationship to their environment that affects how they approach things. So I wouldn't for example create rules about 'When I comfort my child' - but rather focusing on creating a relationship of mutual respect and self-expression where you for example touch your child as an expression of yourself instead of something that you have thought about doing as a 'rule'.

Finally I suggest investing in the Parenting Series from Eqafe - because through this series you will learn to understand the deeper layers of your child's developmental process as well as the deeper dimensions of a child's relationship with their parents and so assist and support yourself to expand yourself within parenting. It was for example explained in one of the interviews, how children will pick up on if their parents aren't fully here. This might result in the child becoming clingy and feeling abandoned and where a solution might simply be to make sure that one is here and present when one is with one's child. As we have also seen through walking with Desteni, when we change ourselves - it can have great impact on our environment and thus also on our children. So this is why I suggest focusing on walking a process of changing yourself within your relationship to your child and from there be an example to assist and support him to change.



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larrymanuela
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby larrymanuela » 23 Feb 2014, 13:26

Hi Lana,

I am larry. I have a son who is now 8 years old, and there was a time when he would do such things that you discribe here in your writing.
Now what I found out was that somehow my son was able to pick up on my emotions. I was mostly in a state of "feeling sorry" about him, because of what happened to him when he was just born into this world. He got a virus and almost died, and I was the one who had to stay with him at the hospital for about 3 weeks, so because of that I created a bond with him as always feeling sorry about him. So one day he and his sister were throwing tantrums and I just breathe through the whole thing and then after they were done and he was playing with his little toys, I asked him to come and talk to me. What I changed was my approach to him. I spoke with him not as if he was a little boy, but as an equal to me, like I would do to anyone and look at him straight in the eyes when talking to him and be direct and straight to the point and explain to him using all kinds of practical examples I could come up with and ask him questions to get him involved into the whole thing. What happens was what I did not expect, he just sat there and listen to me and even exchange information about why he is doing it and try and explain to me what he is going through. And from that day on my relationship with him changed, I talk to him like I would talk to any other person, I don't change my voice and also make sure I remain stable in my body language. I must communicate with him as equal to me. Sometimes we the parents think and belief that our children would not understand us if we would explain something that we think/belief they might not understand, because it may be beyond their understanding, but yet all it takes is the point of communication from the starting point of equality, thus not that because he is my son I treat him special or talk to him in certain and specific way that I would not do with other people. And very important Lana, is to have a look what feelings and emotions you have created within and as yourself about your son and when you investigate what these are and forgive them within yourself, you can go and communicate with him as an equal and see what happens.

Thanks.

Larry



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Anna
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Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby Anna » 23 Feb 2014, 15:25

Very cool Larry. I definitely agree.

Also Lana, with the point of being bilingual (I work with bilingual kids on a daily basis), linguistic scientists have found that it is not prohibitory for learning languages at all. On the contrary it works very well when one parent speaks one language and the other one the other language consistently.

When looking at it what I see is that the child's experiences can be a combination of different factors such as the personality systems he's adopted from his ancestors combined with him resonantly picking up on your reactions towards him and then now it's become a habit and something he's starting to accept as 'who I am'. The fact that it is especially associated to you also indicates that it is within this particular relationship that he has attached this 'whiny' personality. Perhaps you could go away for a week and do something on your own or otherwise change the routines to assist him in breaking the habit. Also - what might be cool is if you and your partner come to an agreement on how to approach the child, so that you don't come to represent polarities to him where dad represent fear and punishment (for example) and mom represent comfort and solace - because such a dynamic might exactly be what also plays a factor in triggering the reactions within him.



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Bastian Neumann
Posts: 27
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 23:25

Hi Lana

Postby Bastian Neumann » 23 Feb 2014, 15:35

I did not go through all the posts here yet, so maybe some points have already been shared here. But in general, what I/we have experienced with Enno is that if he is showing a mood, any kind of mood, frustrated, sad, enthusiastic, angry over a longer period of time like for days - what we did was asking ourselves what we have done different during that time. What was it in our life that could have caused us to behave different, even if we did not recognize it, and I say in every case where we had 'problems' understanding his behaviour it turned out to be something within our own dayly routine and behaviour that changed because of various reasons, maybe a discontent, depressive thoughts,relationship problems, financial issues, anything. And when we identified these things and consciously dealt with them, being aware of it, his attitude changed immediately to what we would call 'normal' (lol). It is amazing how a child can function as an indicator and an alarm in some cases for your own awareness of personal process points/steps and unidentified programs. We have our 'methods' in some cases as well, and I am quite sure that we are rather ignorant for his true reasons of behaviour in many cases, as you are simply not able to focus on everything in all situations, but in general I am not sure that trying methods will do anything because as I see it this only takes you further away from being there in the moment with the child and acting in awareness of the actual situation and the needs of the child.



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tormod
Posts: 988
Joined: 25 Jan 2012, 12:05

Re: Am I raising a wimp?

Postby tormod » 23 Feb 2014, 15:45

Cool thread !

Thanks for sharing - this will help me inn my work in kindegarden.

The are several points here that i can use!

Cool share!




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