Motherhood Paranoia Series

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Leila
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Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 26 Apr 2014, 18:03

Day 38: Introduction | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... anoia.html

If you have or have had a baby in your life, you are probably acquainted with the concept of ‘developmental milestones’.

If you are not familiar with the concept, it basically refers to particular behaviors or physical skills seen in babies (and older infants as well) at particular stages in their life/development – hence ‘developmental milestone’. Whenever you go for a baby-check up, the doctor or nurse tending to your baby will want to assess where your baby is at by evaluating your babies ability or inability to perform particular actions. Particular months/weeks of a baby’s life are tied to particular milestones, which a baby would reach if they follow a ‘typical’ developmental path. These refer to averages and in general there is quite a margin for being ‘early’ or ‘late’ to reach a milestone without this being any point of concern.

While the use and reference to developmental milestones is supposed to be of a practical nature, I have found both in my personal experience and observing other mothers – that it can be quite an emotional topic.

When we speak and think of mothers, we very often see and present mothers in a light where they are overwhelmed with worries and concerns about their children. When it was known that I was going to be a mother, I got welcomed by a few people to a reality with ‘non-stop-fear’ or telling me to ‘get ready to worry endlessly’. It’s as if being a mother and living in fear is a given. Since I’ve been a mother I’ve faced my fair deal or fears, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the ‘worried mom’ phenomena starts right at the beginning with the developmental milestones.

Birth
In a way, birth itself it could be interpreted as a developmental milestone. When the baby gets born, one of the first things that gets done by the pediatrician that is present, is checking the baby’s Apgar score. The Apgar score is a method designed to evaluate the baby’s physical condition, and to quickly ascertain whether or not there is a need for special medical care or emergency treatment.

The factors that get looked at are: appearance of the skin, the heart rate, grimace response, activity and muscle tone and respiration. Each one of these factors is evaluated on a scale from 0 to 2 – and then added together, so that you have end score between 0 and 10 (10 being perfect). This scoring test gets done at 1 minute after birth and 5 minutes after birth.

This is the first instance where your child gets measured and is assigned a ‘score’, where you get to know ‘whether your child is normal’ – and so the perfect moment for motherhood paranoia to set in.

Next, your baby gets weighed and measured – again, the perfect moment for interpretation and paranoia to creep in: Is my baby too skinny? Is my baby too fat? Should I have eaten differently while I was pregnant? What’s wrong with me for giving birth to a baby that’s skinny/small/big/large?

On the other hand, if everything is ‘in range’ (which really only means that your baby hit the statistical average), mother proudness can show its face – who’s best friends with motherhood paranoia. Because instead of going ‘Oh no I probably did all of this and that wrong’, the mind goes ‘I must be such a good mother for producing such a healthy baby!!’.

It’s only day one – and you’re already on the road to becoming a mental case lol.

To be continued



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 23 Jul 2014, 10:19

Day 41: The Innocence of One Little Tiny Thought | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... -tiny.html

In Day 38, I gave an introduction to the point of motherhood paranoia and how a point like ‘developmental milestones’, which is supposed to be a practical tool – can easily become the centre point of emotional turmoil. One can draw on this point to feed and brood your fears and sense of inadequacy, or just as easily to feed and brood your sense of pride and self-adulation.

What I found quite interesting when I would observe myself going into one of these patterns (which is really just one pattern containing the two opposite poles), is how one’s outlook and approach towards the development of your child and your child as an individual/being becomes quite perverted. One day I caught myself looking at Cesar doing something, where I went ‘I wonder if that’s normal – I wonder if he’s supposed to be doing it differently/more developed’ and experienced this form of anxiety – where I then went ‘Woops! What’s going on here??’

When I looked at and investigated the thought and the specific energetic experience that came with it, I found that it all came down to: Survival. Then, within this point of Survival, I could see that it’s not just about the survival of the child, but that there are several dimensions/layers connected to this point, from the child, to the personal, to the generational – and from there, how much of this links in to the specific design of the Female-Ego, which is universal.

This I found quite fascinating, because you find yourself participating in a particular thought pattern, thinking that it’s just ‘one innocent little thought’ that you participate in, thinking that ‘it doesn’t mean much’ and that it’s ‘not a big deal’ – but then when you go and investigate where this comes from and how this seemingly innocent thought/point of participation affects your world and relationships, the amount of dimensions connected to this: Holy Shit.

It’s like your mind is the sky/heaven and the thought you participate in is this little fluffy cloud just passing by in the open sky – you know, what ‘bad’ could a little fluffy cloud do? But then what you don’t see/realise is how this fluffy cloud has got an invisible string attached to it and once you start pulling on this cloud, you start to realise that it’s not just a fluffy cloud ‘floating’ around, but actually has an entire landscape attached to it that you can’t even see cause you never looked deep down below. So this ‘one little innocent thought’ is really just a token, a symptom, showing that something much greater is playing out in the background; but from a conscious point of view, it’s just like this little movement going on inside yourself.

In the next blog I will continue laying out the points I opened up for myself while working with this pattern.



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 23 Jul 2014, 10:20

Day 42: Losing Touch with Reality, Losing Touch with your Child | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... osing.html

Continuing from my previous blog: ‘Day 41: The Innocence of OneLittle Tiny Thought | Motherhood Paranoia’.

In my previous blog I talked about how little we are aware of the implications and repercussions from participating in a singular thought.

The thought pattern that I am specifically looking at so far in this series, is about comparing one’s child/baby to the timeline of developmental milestones, and from there creating either an emotion or feeling response which becomes part of how you view and participate with your child/baby.

Here, the first ‘level’ of mind interference that I noted was the either negative or positive energetic experience that came up, and that this now in part formed the ‘lens’ through which I would start looking at my baby. Initially, when this point the first time arose, it wasn’t even noticeable, but then as it started coming up more it became more and more apparent. It was apparent that ‘something’ was going on, because I wasn’t necessarily having the thoughts, but just the memory of the experience. Then as it would occur more, it was as if the experience started to solidify more and more – to the point where I actually experienced myself being claustrophobic, where I felt this experience ‘closing in on me’ – and that’s when I knew for sure that something’s up and it’s not cool. Because each time I would look at my baby, these nagging feeling was here. I couldn’t just be here, sit with him, play with him, watch him – without this experience pushing itself into the picture.

So when looking at the point of comparing my baby’s development to the ‘standards’, I noticed that a point of value assessment came in, terms of ‘how well does my baby do compared to the standards’, ‘what value does my baby have in terms of the standards’.

What is quite funny is that I always disliked being valued through things like ‘grades’ at school. Though in that moment of looking at my own baby, I could see how easily such a pattern develops and becomes permanently engrained. Because in a way, I was translating the ‘developmental milestones’ into grades as well, and then looking at ‘how well my baby scores’. Then depending on how I was interpreting my baby’s behaviour and translating it into a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ score – this in turn would determine my experience and attitude towards my baby.

This was obviously not cool as this completely warped my presence and relationship towards my baby, where I was already categorising and compartmentalizing him in my mind, removing myself from him further and further as I was less and less dealing with him as who he was, as a being here, just naturally developing himself – but with a mental projection of mine pasted over him.

And this is just one point, one thought – and yet how I could see it influence me and how I was changing towards my baby was just frightening.

The experience wasn’t ‘overwhelming’ or ‘really intense’ – but since I could notice it, and since he’s only a few months old (back then), I could see that if I let this slide, and he grows older, and more and more points emerge: I would slowly but surely lose touch with reality and lose touch with my own baby/child as I would become more and more enthralled by my mind-reality instead of physical reality.

To be continued



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 23 Jul 2014, 10:20

Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... rhood.html

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 42: Losing Touch with Reality, Losing Touch with your Child |Motherhood Paranoia

In my previous blog I went over how I was allowing my relationship with my baby to be shaped through scoring his behaviour into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as how I saw it fit in with developmental milestones for his age. In this blog I am continuing with this point, where I not only look at how I see this point affect myself but how I see this being linked in at a societal level as well.

I remember the one day I was doing some research in terms of babies’ development. I have a few books where I had gotten info from before, but since each source seemed to vary in its timeline and approach of developmental milestones, I took it on me to go through quite a bit of sources so I could get a wider picture and not only use one or two sources as my frame of reference. I watched some videos and in the one video the development of a typical baby was shown at X age, and alongside the development of an ‘atypical’ baby was shown.

When I saw how the atypical baby was moving and compared Cesar to him, I was happy that Cesar did not turn out to be a ‘atypical’ baby, because it was clear that the atypical baby was struggling and did not have an effective body to develop and grow effectively. I saw myself going into this point of satisfaction where I kind of went ‘Aaah, everything is okay – I can be relaxed now’ – and as I was allowing this experience to take over, there was a moment of silence within me – and then I asked myself: Wait – what is going on here?

Because what I saw in that moment, is that I could care less about this atypical baby that’s struggling it’s ass off to move himself in his reality and carry his development forward. In a way, it was almost as if there was a form of being pleased that this baby is struggling, where there is this odd logic existent where ‘because this other baby is struggling, my baby has a greater chance of being a winner’.

It’s like, we’ve become so accustomed to the idea that there are always those who lag behind, those who are normal and those who are always at the frontier in society. Whether it’s in growth/development, school, relationships and ultimately jobs/careers. So if someone else in your ‘peer group’ fall in the category if being part of the ‘losers’, then that’s already one less statistical chance of you being in that position.

So when you’re faced with a situation where someone else is disadvantaged, you’re happy because, at least it’s not you or – at least it’s not your baby. Who cares about this other person/kid who is struggling and where this might follow him/her his/her entire life? At least I/my baby’s part of the winners and he will make it in life.

So there’s no regard whatsoever for other people, other children, other forms of life. All that matter is you and your baby. So here I could see, how in the way I was participating in this point of developmental milestones, where I had allowed it to become emotionally and feeling charged – this was another form of Survivalism, where I was trying to gauge and measure ‘how good my baby’s chances of survival are in the world’ – and where an unspoken decision had already been made that I would look after ‘only my baby’ and that I care for ‘only my baby’ – as if there is some tacit rule that each one must just look after their own offspring and ‘may the best win’ type of thing.

And I mean, it was not as if I was consciously voicing thoughts of this nature within myself – it was just like an overall ‘feeling’ that was just scarcely noticeable which was just silently hovering around, like a slight mist present all over inside myself. And only once I started investigating my conscious fears, and then investigating the emotional charged, I really became aware of this presence which is kind of like the rules of the game you are playing, which you once upon a time had agreed upon but had forgotten about. Yet, you were still playing within those parameters as the rules has become normalized through acceptance and allowance.

To be continued



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 02 Aug 2014, 13:52

Day 44: Sins of the Fathers and Mission of the Mothers | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... on-of.html

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia

In my previous blog I described how I came to a point within myself where I saw myself participating within a point of competition, wherein I saw how I was using the reference of developmental milestones not just as a frame for his own personal development, but also used it to get an idea where my baby is at ‘in the greater race’ of babies, where I as a mother wanted to know how advantaged/normal/disadvantaged my child was compared to his peers, so that I could be ‘reassured’ that he has what it takes to survive in this world.

Once I got through this point, I saw another point emerge. Where it was not just about ‘my baby winning the race’/’my baby having what it takes’ – but where this strange sense of ‘responsibility’ and ‘duty’ started creeping in within the greater context of ‘generational lines’ and ‘ancestry’ – where, your mother had gotten you this far; in raising you and being set up in a situation where you can have your own child; just as her mother did before her. So that when you look back into your own personal history and lineage; there’s been all these thousands of mothers before you who had been successful in raising their offspring and getting them to a point of survival far enough to have children of their own; where you are now the ‘last’ one of the lineage and where you are now supposed to be just as successful as they have been.

Again – it’s not like I was consciously thinking things like “Oh, I have to make sure I carry on the bloodline of my ancestors and fulfil my duty just like my ancestors before meeee” or anything like that. There was just a slight, odd sense of ‘duty’ that I had noticed and when I went and investigated; this whole pot of worms opened up.

Now, this also bring me to my next point, which is how I see that this whole ‘offspring bearing’ point of importance is connected and linked to the whole Female’s Ego Design.

There’s already this notion and perception of women that they always want to be ‘right’. Especially if you put two females together and they disagree, it’s quite known that things can get ‘heated’ or that things get ‘bitchy’ lol. While I’ve been reading around in books, magazines and on discussion boards online within the context of mothers with babies – this point of righteousness is very much ‘in your face’. Once they’ve made up their mind about something; there’s no point debating it.

So now that I had seen how this point that I have been walking in my blogs unfolded, it made total sense as to ‘how’ and ‘why’ females tend to be so into ‘wanting to be right’.



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 02 Aug 2014, 13:53

Day 45: Wanting to be Right | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... rhood.html

In my previous blog I laid out how when investigating a sense of ‘duty’ within myself, how this whole can of worms opened up in terms of you as a mother/female carrying out the duty/mission of continuing the bloodline and having the responsibility to make sure that your offspring survives (or at least get to the point where it can have its own offspring). I ended the blog, with how I could see this point being tied in the Female’s Ego Design, where females have a strong tendency of ‘wanting to be right’. This is where I continue with this blog.


So – now you have a baby, a child – just like all the mothers before you and have a sense of duty to ‘continue the mission’. At the same time, a lot of people did not like the way they were brought up by their own parents, where there’s a strong feeling of ‘wanting to do it better’ with your child.

So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.

So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.

Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.

So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.

Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.

So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.

Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????

So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.

So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.



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Leila
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Re: Motherhood Paranoia Series

Postby Leila » 27 Jan 2015, 23:17

Day 71: When gathering Information is no longer Practical | Motherhood Paranoia
http://journey-to-new-life.blogspot.com ... is-no.html

During my pregnancy, I tried to prepare myself the best as I could by reading up as much as I could care of a baby/child and parenting and went to a pre-natal class to get some last questions answered. You’d think that after 9 months of reading that I’d be pretty well informed and confident to walking the actual practical process of taking care if a baby. Truth was that on the day we got released from the hospital and we were busy leaving the parking lot, I was thinking to myself: “Oh cr*p, can’t someone give me a manual on how to do this thing?”
on taking

Having an actual baby and going through the daily process, more questions came up. As I would nurse Cesar, I’d be reading up in more books, looking more things up on the internet. I wanted to be informed about every single point or question I came across. Because every time a point opened up that was new, I was faced with uncertainty – and that was not something I liked in relation to having a new born lol.

So from that perspective – finding all the information and making sure I was informed on all points so I knew what practical steps to take if ‘this’ or ‘that’ were to happen – was a supportive action.

But then, I found myself researching the same points over and over – and finding the same answers over and over – and found an anxiety that started generating and accumulating each time I participated in ‘let me just look this point up one more time’ or ‘maybe there’s something I’ve missed’. Because the evidence was clear: there was no new information coming up whatsoever; so there was no practical reason to continue looking, I already knew what I had to know.

So now within having reached a point of ‘knowing all there is to know’, I knew that the next step was to actually walk the practical process of applying the information, when the need for it would arise. Here I got scared because, I wanted to hold on to ‘being in preparation mode’ and still being busy gathering information as being in that process, I found a sense of safety knowing I do not yet have to trust myself, I can still pretend that I ‘don’t yet know’ and that I need more time to figure things out.

So when there was nothing left to figure out / look up and I got faced over and over with the same answers and information – this would each time re-enforce the self-belief that ‘I cannot trust myself’ in the sense of applying the information, and each time I would look things up again, I could feel myself being disempowered over and over.

So one night during one of our many nursing sessions, and noticing how totally unpleasant the process of looking things up and educating myself had become (which at that point wasn’t educational anymore but merely obsessive) – I put down my tablet which I would use to google things, turned it off and just breathed. Because I realised that what I was doing, was no longer practical but had become compulsive behaviour to excuse why I was putting off trusting myself, within knowing that I would be able to draw from my repertoire of knowledge I had accumulated, and actually put it to the test. Where as long as I was still ‘researching’ and something would happen, I could still ‘claim ignorance’.

So I just sat there nursing, breathing and letting go of all the fears and anxieties. After all, if a point would open up like some form of emergency, it was not going to help me to be in a state of anxiety and insecurity as I’ve seen in the past that this disables me within being able to clearly assess what is going on and what I exactly need to do, as I then within anxiety start to doubt myself and mix up information. So the best thing I could do was just to let go, trust myself and not let myself be tempted to look things up just ‘one more time’ as this would only turn into paranoia about me not being able to practically walk the reality of taking care of a baby.




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