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STUCK IN A BOX!
Here I am looking at the relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understand certain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me, firstly to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50: Sibling Rivalry: The Gifts
My children are 25 and 23 years old, so they are adults. Let me say, I do not have any significant problems with our relationships, they are quite ‘good’, meaning respectful, enjoyable. The issues I have are more internal as in my own worries, concerns,imaginings and thought patterns.
With my son in particular I tend to compare him to his father, my father and men who I have labelled throughout my life as bullies or authoritarian. He lives at home and is still attending university, when we have family dinner and there is a discussion which turns into an ‘argument’/becomes emotional I see he can be quite reactive and aggressive. Then I go into thinking patterns of ‘he will have to correct that if he wants to have a happy marriage one day, he’s a bully just like his grandfather and father, he will lose friendsif he reacts like that’. Also I have thoughts like, ‘he is taking so long to finish school, how will he support himself and maybe one day a family of his own, I hope he doesn’t become a financial disaster/failure like his dad and I did, he is not as confident and sure of himself as his sister is, he is much slower with things like schooling than his sister, what career is he ever going to have with that degree anyway’. I also worry about alcoholism and have thoughts like, ‘he drinks a bit too much, he drinks more than his sister, Ihope he doesn’t become an alcoholic like I did, there is so much alcoholism on both sides of his family, he’s partying too much, how will he cope with life if he uses alcohol to deal with life?’ And worry thoughts about if he is a father one day like, ‘I hope he isn’t a bully to his children like my dad was or his dad was but how will he NOT be!? What if he chooses a wife who doesn’t earn income, life is so expensive and difficult, what if he gets divorced, how will he cope with a job a marriage and children!?’
With my daughter I have worry thoughts like, ‘What if her husband cheats on her like my first husband did, what if she gets divorced like me, I hope she won’t have children and get divorced, that was so hard I almost didn’t make it, would she move home with little children? would I have to take care of them? what if they choose a house that has too large a mortgage? what if she has children and gains weight and her husband is no longer attracted to her?’ As well, I worry about her driving to and from her job and her husband’s driving , ‘they both drive too fast, deer run out in front of cars all the time and the winter is treacherous where they live, they could have an accident, I hope they are careful, he should slow down’. I have judgmental thoughts like, ‘she is so kind andconsiderate and he can be a bully to her sometimes, I don’t like that! she should stand up for herself more! she is so thorough and excells at almost everything she does, I hope she doesn’t take on too much, how will she cope with a full time career when she has children, they should only have 1 or 2, why does he want more than that, he is selfish to want more than 2 children, she should put her foot down.’
So within these thought patterns, I can see there are emotions of worry, fear, guilt, comparisons and mostly PROJECTIONS FROM MY PAST.
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