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STUCK IN A BOX
Please read the previous post for proper context to this blog.
From the previous post: Here I am looking at the relationships between myself and my two children, in order to understand certain thought and emotional patterns I have developed toward them. This series and specifically this interview greatly assisted me: Eqafe Interview: Parenting Part 50: Sibling Rivalry: The Gifts, to realize that this is something I need to investigate and correct within myself, in order for that correction to pool out and into our relationships, to create an environment for growth.
I can see, from writing out my thought patterns, that in order to expand these relationships/connections I need to stop basing my interactions with my children by using my mind, meaning using memories as the starting point of our communication. To do this, I must bring myself to awareness and so give myself the opportunity to be authentic in each moment with them versus scripted and dictated by the past, all of us in small, confining, limiting boxes! I must transform the energy connections (emotions and feelings) to an actual living expression.
An interesting point here is I used to judge my mother for doing this, in my secret mind mostly, how she would speak about my brother in a particular way and I would always feel compelled to defend him. She seemed to be comfortable with certain labels/boxes about people and she really stuck to them throughout her entire life. Often, I would try to share with her how a certain person/myself had changed and, though she would not argue the point, she would be back to speaking in the same manner soon after. I can see I do this as well and it is no longer acceptable to me. It is true, ‘the sins of the father/mother’ are passed down, generation after generation, unless we wake up to how we are living within our every thought, word and deed!
Note: These are the points I require to address here in order to correct my personal behavior, to release all of us from the emotional and feeling energy connections, that exist in my mind, so I can share myself genuinely as a parent and person with my adult children going forward. As such, they do not define my children but indeed myself, as the words I am currently living.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to put my son in a box with certain words as labels I use to define him such as: difficult, slow, mean, bully, just like his dad, just like my dad, typical of a man, irresponsible, weak, naive within emotional and feeling connections/reactions of love, fear, worry, anxiety, blame, and judgement.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that these words as definitions came from within me and so exist in and as me-spot it you got it-and I am as such to a large extent projecting my emotions based on my life experience/past memories-onto my son.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to connect love with fear, specifically fear of loss of what my children represent/how they define me-give me purpose in life/enjoyment-company in self-interest AND to connect caring with ‘thinking about’, as I am remaining with more awareness throughout my day I am ‘thinking about’ my children less and so react with worry, fear and anxiety that this means I don’t love/care for them as much as I used to, instead of simply enjoying the act of planning something we could do together by writing or investigating in physical reality and practicality, or reaching out and calling/texting them.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thinking patterns and backchat (see Part 1) about my son over and over again, talking shit behind his back or in my secret mind, until a very set/specific ‘picture’/idea/definition of him exists within and as me, to the point that I am not even aware that I am participating in it, and to the point where his sister and another person, mentioned it to me. When in actual fact, much of how I see him has changed/matured/grown over the last few years and he is quite a stable, respectful, considerate, and becoming a more responsible young man.
I forgive myself for not realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my son to his sister, his father, his grandfathers and define my son according to my own memories of these 3 men.