When it gets Boring

User avatar
Leila
Posts: 2040
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: South Africa
Contact:

When it gets Boring

Postby Leila » 02 Aug 2015, 11:48

Day 1: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 1.
http://mscarolyne.blogspot.ch/2015/03/d ... bored.html

I’ve been pushing for a while to start writing this blog as there's just a lot to share with everyone how my journey as a mother has transformed my life in ways I never could have imagined when I did not have children. Two years ago, I had my first child. This was quite a challenging time as everything was obviously new I mean the whole parenting/mothering experience/chapter. Sometime in 2014, I had my second child and having a second child is another ball game all together. There have been challenges, insights, realizations, self-forgiveness, real time self-application to bring change, many times I have gotten stuck in terms of not knowing how to direct moments effectively to bring the best living experience for myself and my children, other times, iv cried, fainted, had prolonged exhaustion, wanted to run away from it all, the unpredictability of most of my days, moments etc.

So in this blog and the blogs to come, I am going to share here how I have been walking this journey/process of slowly but surely transforming/changing/re-programming myself from within myself to the without, as real time applied change in my living in order to be/become the very living example of what’s best for all from within which my children can learn from so that, they as well can stand as the living change as what’s best for all so that, for once and for all, I/we can cut the chains that bind us to ‘the sins of our fathers’ and bring forth a world that regards the well-being of all life in the best way possible. After all, I must become/embody the change I would like to see in this world. 1+1+1….it is not impossible until I say so.



So here, I would like to share this point that opened up today.

This morning I woke up and I was alone with my kids. Though my partner was at home, he was busy studying for an exam he has to undertake soon, so he could not help me much with the kids, thus since I was caring for the children most of the time, this is how I was alone with them. I usually have help but today being a Sunday, it’s a day off for the help. I remember I had this heavy boredom feeling that I pegged to not having rested well. I lingered within this experience of myself for a while until it was too uncomfortable to ignore. I was not HERE with my children like I would have liked to. The youngest of my daughters, Bianca always picks up reactions quite easily and I notice this through her behavior in the moment whereby she become fussy and couldn’t sit still in one position to explore a toy like she usually does. It’s like, she normally enjoys sharing play time with someone but only if that someone is completely slowed down to here in the moment with her, if not, she fusses and wiggles her body until this happens especially with me. I remember, I could breathe and slow down to the moment and couple of moments later, I would get sucked right into my boredom.

So I willed myself to look within and see what’s happening in my mind. Here’s what I found. I remember my partner came into the bedroom and told me that, id to care for the kids by myself because the ones that help me were away for the morning. I thought it was just the morning but it ended up being almost the entire day. This conversation with my partner triggered anger within me when the help was out and stayed for quite a long time, I became angry and bored because someone wasn’t here to help me with the kids. The longer they stayed, the more my reaction of boredom and anger intensified. Id backchats like: they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, why are they so long out there, when will they come, I just don’t feel like being with the kids, what a boring day?

I remember one time, I just wanted to be a career woman and not family woman, no kids however my reality at the moment is quite the opposite of my want. Don’t get me wrong here, I enjoy being a mother to my children and a wife to my partner, the reason why I wanted a career and not a marriage/children life was mainly because of issues I has in my previous relationships which I shall share in blogs to come.

I know that being a mother/stay at home mom entails giving up a lot of the life I was living before or the kind of life I would have liked to live. In my life before kids, I travelled a lot, was outdoors a lot surrounded by single friends pretty much doing whatever I pleased me with my time. Now, this life with kids is quite the opposite really, whereby I’m now home with the kids a lot, my entire life plus decisions are based on the best interest of my children hence mine. I no longer have the luxury of travelling here and there for other reasons other than my children mainly. My hands are full now with working as a caregiver to my family and I see that, this routine has become so monotonous that I went into this heavy reaction of boredom.

While bored, I could see my body felt heavy and tired-like, like every movement/action I made was slow due to a heavy feeling within my body. I walked with and sat in a slouching position. My voice tonality was sucked into a slightly high and soft pitch. There was also definitely tension on my face whenever I spoke to my partner.

Day 2: Self Forgiveness on this topic will constitute my next blog.



User avatar
Leila
Posts: 2040
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: South Africa
Contact:

Re: When it gets Boring

Postby Leila » 02 Aug 2015, 11:50

Day 2: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 2
http://mscarolyne.blogspot.ch/2015/04/d ... art-2.html

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, to exist within and as me.

From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the responsibility I have towards my children as a burden, as a boring life and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at this moment not take my responsibility seriously in terms of doing everything to my best ability so that my children can enjoy the best possible outcome.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that, when I am actually caring for my children from the starting point of boredom, I will actually not be effective in how I handle them and how I respond to their needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat of why are they so long out there, when will they come? To exist within and as me. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate even more reactions as energy of anger and boredom within myself which then lead to the experience of myself as being bored and impatient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the accumulation of energy through my reactions of holding on to this back chat why are they so long out there, when will they come? Lead me to actually living impatience in my moments whereby I felt I should rush through activities with my children so that I can finish fast and be by ‘myself’.

From within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, in that moment, I was alone in the room with my children and that there was no way I could be by myself and the perception I created of being ‘alone’ even when my children were with me was just an illusion I created in my mind which actually diverted my attention to my mind and not my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate the emotion of anger and irritation when those that support me with my children and the home were away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being away from my children as boring while imagining those that are away from my children as having a lot of fun and leaving me ‘stuck’ with the kids.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, my children are my responsibility full time with or without support and hence, rather than reacting to this full time responsibility , I should simply and firmly embrace it completely and care for my children in the best way possible.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, backchats and reactions should never stand in my way of actually being here for myself and my children for they veil my ability to see reality for what it is and thus affect my potential of really being tHERE for my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that, by rushing through reality with my children, I ended up actually missing the little moments when my children simply needed me to be here and play with them, or communicate with them, or observe their expression in that moment which was actually a separation point between me and my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my children in the moment when I decided to instead participate in my minds back chats/internal conversations and the reactions thereof where I ended up not paying attention to myself and them/ as myself as all my attention was channeled into and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my responsibility as a mother as less that what it actually is in any given moment and perceiving those that have time to ‘have fun’ as more than.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat I just don’t feel like being with the kids, from within which I generated an experience of boredom which was fueled by the emotions of anger, irritation and impatience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be away from my children because I in this particular moment had felt that I had had enough just being around them throughout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want support with my children to a point where I can see it is creating some form of unnecessary dependency. From within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the perception that I must have support from another in order to care for my children effectively not seeing realizing and understanding that this is actually a form of self-sabotage whereby I limit myself in the ways I move and fulfill my responsibility towards myself and as a mother in a way that will support my children and hence myself in the best possible way within the principle of what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage/limit my ability and chance to be/become a mother that offers support to the utmost of my potential to ensure the well-being of those that absolutely depend on me in almost all ways e.g. my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat/internal conversation ‘what a boring day’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have boredom exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the experience of myself from within this backchat whereby, I was possessed in the experience of boredom most of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through my reality whereby I did not pay attention to the Nitti gritty details of being there for myself and my children because I felt that, It was boring for me to be existing in such a reality in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use boredom as an excuse to not walk/do my responsibilities to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive reality through the ‘glasses’/veil of boredom which actually limited me from embracing myself and my children unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality by shifting all my attention into my mind and the creation of boredom thereof which is actually a form of self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as boredom since the time I woke up in the morning whereby, I just dint feel like moving myself to begin my daily activities but I had to since I was alone with the kids.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk through my morning activities from the starting point of boredom whereby, I felt like I had to push myself to fulfill my responsibilities in regards to my children and my home instead of simply embracing the moment fully and doing my responsibilities to the best of my ability without reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the statements from my partner as a trigger point for me to begin my day in the reactions of slight anger and the experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually direct myself by moving myself out of the boredom energetic state, from within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fully possessed within and as my mind as boredom.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences that my reactions impacted on my children whereby they became agitated, fussy, clingy and whiny because I simply did not stand up and put an end to my participation within the backchats in my mind that lead me to reacting and living boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment not stand up and take responsibility absolutely to the point where I remain stable as I interact with my children so that they as well can be stable within the expression of themselves.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to and as one within and as the change I would like my children to emulate/learn from, as the act of standing up for life within the principle of what’s best for all so that they too can stand up for life from within themselves and apply the same principle. From within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that, I can actually not see and direct myself within my reality effectively from the starting point of thoughts backchats, reactions, perceptions/judgments of a given moment because then I will miss out on considering all people and parts of my reality and hence will not make a decision that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that, I, just like any other parent and adult are the society that set the very example that our children emulate just like our parents and their parents and the previous generations did, be it immediate or secondary and thus it is every parents’ and individual responsibility to ensure that we stand up and change who we are from within whereby we consider what’s best for all and live what’s best for all so that we can pass this on to our children and the generations to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the stability of my physical body to instability when I used the experience of boredom within myself to physically slouch when I walked or sat and when I changed the tonality of my voice to a soft high pitch, when I slowed down the pace of the movement of my body due the heavy feeling I felt within myself as boredom.

Day 3: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 3, Self-commitment statements. To be continued.....



User avatar
Leila
Posts: 2040
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: South Africa
Contact:

Re: When it gets Boring

Postby Leila » 02 Aug 2015, 11:51

Day 3: WHEN IT GETS BORING - Part 3
http://mscarolyne.blogspot.ch/2015/04/d ... art-3.html

SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS.

Here I’m going to share the realizations of how I would have opted to walk my day instead of reacting to it.

I realize that, my responsibility as a mother/parent is as full time as it can ever get and therefore, the only way I can actually remain stable within this responsibility is by embracing it fully within and as the understanding that, my children as young as they are, fully depend on me in every way at this stage and hence, I cannot offer them the best care possible if I perceive them as a bother at times or if I perceive being with them as boring, because, it is from within such perception that I become ineffective as a mother by not fulfilling my responsibility in the best way possible like for example how I rush through play time with the kids, or how I am not fully here in a given moment to actually share and enjoy myself with them and they with me or how at a certain moment I just wanted to have them quiet so I can ‘entertain’ myself within and as my mind.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walking my process of embracing fully each moment I am with myself as well as my children, completely slow myself down to within and as my breathing so that I can clearly see who I am within the participation of whichever activities I do with my children so that, they as well can remain stable within themselves as they keep expressing themselves in the physical reality. From within this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to drift away into my mind where I create all the different perceptions of my reality e.g. boring, too much etc., I shall stop and breath and will not allow myself to participate within such perceptions, by breathing, ill slow myself down and look within and as my mind to see what I am accepting and allowing as thoughts, backchats, imaginations fantasies, reactions, memories that sabotage my ability to directly access and direct myself in my reality in making choices that are based on the best interest of all e.g. my children hence myself.
I realize that, by talking to myself in my mind/back chatting/internal conversation like they are probably having fun and I’m stuck here with the kids, why are they so long out there, when will they come, I just don’t feel like being with the kids, what a boring day?, I actually separated myself from physical reality as the moments that were unfolding/I wasn't here with myself as my physical body nor my children but in my mind, from within talking to myself in my mind/back chatting, I ended up creating the reactions of anger, irritation, frustration and impatience which lead to me experiencing myself within and as boredom and thus my outward perception of the day being boring and spending time with my children as boring.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, when and as I see myself about to participate within my mind within and as my backchats/internal conversations, I shall stop and breath and will not participate any further within these mind games so that I don’t end up generating any reactions which only veil my physical reality and my ability to face this reality and direct myself as it from within and as the stability of the physical as my breath and body. if and when I’m aware that reactions are about to come up or have come up within me, then I shall realize that, it is already too late and that, I’ve already participated within my minds thoughts or back chats/internal conversations and therefore, at this moment, I shall still breath, bring myself back to stability and identify what it is that I was busy participating in within my mind that lead to my reactions and apply real time self-forgiveness so as to release myself from the energetic experiences of myself as anger, irritation, boredom, impatience etc. to thus, face and be completely tHERE with my children to assist and support them the best way possible.

I realize that, when someone speaks and I immediately go into a reaction state like when my partner mentioned that the help was away for the day and I went into my mind and participated within all the backchats and reactions, I became bored within my mind and lived this boredom out into my physical reality as all the reactions especially impatient and irritation, annoyance. My partner’s statement simply acted as a trigger/highlighter for a point/mind construct/a program that already exists within my mind and I simply accepted and allowed myself to participate within the point/mind construct/program and brought it to life by further living and experiencing it in my physical reality as my body and my environment. From within and as this experience of myself, I diminished my ability to assist and support my children effectively especially through play and just spending time with them thus diminishing their ability and potential to explore their reality and express themselves effectively like for example, when I just wanted to sit down and also put them in a static position so I don’t have to move much, I limited their ability to move and explore and share themselves with each other and with me. I also diminished the potential of the relationship I could develop with them, and them with me, and each other, a relationship based in mutual support and care, communication and understanding, an equal and one relationship.

Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to take/live responsibility for what I accepted and allowed within and as my mind i.e. thoughts, backchats, imaginations that lead me to participate further within the reactions of anger, irritation, frustration, impatience and even annoyance which further fueled my experience within and as boredom. I commit myself to investigating all points that lead/led me to such experience of boredom as a way of taking self-responsibility and thereof, write, apply self-forgiveness, map for myself through commitment statements on how will apply myself in real time to actually stop and direct/reprogram /re-create myself in any given moment so that once and for all, I can create real physical change as a living and application of myself as what’s best for all.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to change my starting point from that of reactions into that of being here with my children, fully present and aware of myself and them, as them, aware of our interaction with each other, our communication, our movements, our sharing of each other, our different expressions through play , exploration, sounds etc. for I realize that, it is actually through who I am within and as my awareness that I will be able to completely immerse myself in any given moment with my children that I will be able to see and embrace the gifts of who they are which will in turn expand my potential of becoming the very living example as what results doing/supporting them from within the principle of what’s best for all can yield, hence gifting back to them the potential to expand themselves as life through their expression/living which will in turn expand the potential to create and develop a relationship based on real communication and understanding of one another.

I realize that those that support me with household and the children also need their day off according to our agreement and thus there was no need for me to react to them taking the day off but rather be content and abide by this agreement without creating any perceptions about it that only lead me to perceive the agreement as more than what it is in reality hence the reactions.
Thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to, next time, when help has the day off, I shall not go into reactions or create any ideas/perceptions about their being away but just remind myself that, it is per our agreement that they get a day off for self and thus no need to react but rather ground myself within and as the agreement.



I commit myself to assist and support myself to create some time to spend with/by myself through for example taking a bath, going for a walk, singing or dancing etc so that, I can also be with my body, take care of it for I have realized that, at times, I have not taken time to care for myself effectively as most of my time is consumed by caring for my children. Therefore, I commit myself to organize and plan this time for myself and ensure that, when I have this time for me, I do not compromise my children’s comfort and well-being in any way whatsoever by ensuring that, they are comfortable and someone is there looking after them for the time I’m by myself, 0.30 - 1 hour every 2 days, subject to change depending on the situation with myself and the children i.e., when they need me more, I’ll be there for them more and when I have an opportunity to have more time for myself, I shall take it i.e., when they nap or are out for a walk/play/park with someone else e.g papa :D.




Return to “Blogs on Parenting”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron