Writing about games addiction(16/8/2011 Diary)
When i stay at home ,i just want to have entertainment and stimulation ,i don't want to get bored and harassment ,I don't want to face all my fear ,anxiety ,pressure ,I have allowed my home to be the best place for me to VENT and ABUSE extensively.
I means, there are so many problems,specially in the time when i am studying desteni ,i understand and realize so many things ,I begin to understand my responsibilities and Duties ,I realize I have a long road to walk.
At the same time ,I failed and I blamed myself, I fall into choas ,I can't refind the stability and peace which I used to have, all I see inside myself are conflicts and fear .I means ,I listen a great deal of Bernard's material , some of his document i have listened more than 10 times ,likes "revenge of the ego",or "Close a Door ,that a Door may open" And ,his words do fuck with me because I am willing to consider his message for real.
At the same time ,I saw my self forgiveness isn't as effective as I thought ,I always thought about my future ,job ,money ,family ,the relationship between Desteni and I ,karma. I begin to feel pressure and anxiety concerning these things .
So ,I start to fear ,I start to run ,I start try to forget,I don't wanna face the mess within me.So ,I start addicted to games and porns(without masturbation),
because ...........just let me run and hide.Thatz why I am addicted to games.
Yes ,I utilize addiction for me to hide and forget.Because my life is in pain ,I am struggling bewteen standing up for real and fearing to lose .So ,just let me to be entertained and stimulation ,I don't want to face those who are suffering as I will feel shame and guilt for this.
So,here ,I see I suppress myself tightly ,I control all my behaviors by my fear and alertness, believeing that I have self will and free choices.
i see i demand and blame myself in my whole life , giving hope and goals to let me feel good ,prove that I AM NOT LESS THAN ANYONE by trying to prove I AM BETTER THAN SOMEONE.
I never dare to enjor success and other's appreciation ,because I deserve all of these ,I am just having the little step to success, those appreciations just prove my fear is fake.
For now ,will I retry and reconsider the compelte applicaion of principle living in my life?
NO ,unless I can fully forgive my fear of having racial change ,
unless I give up the toys which are used for me to mental masturbate,
unless I can fully embrace Breath and forgiveness .
Standing up for life is not simply a slogan
Standing up for life is not a faith
Standing up for life can't be self definied
Standing up for life needs to prove for real in self honest
End(I am not as expressive in words as most of you )