Yogan's history with Porn

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YoganBarrientos
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Yogan's history with Porn

Postby YoganBarrientos » 28 Jan 2014, 05:31

Hi my name is Yogan. I am opening this thread to walk my history with porn. I will be making periodic posts. I have been walking the Desteni process for some time. This thread is merely to share and expose myself where for most people it may be difficult to share and talk about porn, and so it could be a more "difficult" topic to approach for many. I am in a position where I can talk about my history with porn where anyone I know that may be reading this will not have any drastic effects on my practical life. I have made this stand and commitment, so please read and consider writing for yourself your own history with porn or any topic where one has become possessed, felt addicted, felt out of control, felt like "not oneself," made commitments to stop but one hasn't stopped, saw oneself doing something harmful or even something one thinks that one shouldn't be doing yet was doing it anyway, etc...

As I explore my history with porn, I will provide commentary and perspective at times. And remember this process is for yourself, so that if you do not yet feel comfortable writing or sharing on the forum, to do walk one process for oneself in writing. And to later, join in, when one is ready to do so.

So the first porn like images I saw, is not really called porn by people. The first porn images I saw where on TV. So this involved seeing nudity in movies. One such movie is the Titanic. There is a nude scene where Jack is painting a picture of the Red-headed girl, naked. And when I saw that I remember feeling frozen, like "I shouldn't be seeing this" yet I wanted to see it. And some family members were in the room with me, and one of them was howling in laughter, and this person was the adult and so was in a way trying to have us not see that scene, and so making the statement that we shouldn't be seeing this, however also saying that it is ok, since they really did not stop us from seeing this or took us to the side to even discuss the point of whether we should or not should not be seeing this.

Commentary: When I place myself in the position again where I am seeing that image from titanic for the first time- I do not feel good, per se. I instead feel like a need or desire within me to see that image/scene, however at the same time this need and desire feels bad within me. Like literally bad, not like a judgement that I make about my desire/need being something bad- NO. Rather, it is that the need and desire feeling itself feels literally bad. I just don't like it. Yet when I accept and allow myself to succumb to what I am feeling, it sort of carries me away and I become unaware of the initial experience I had of myself- and I have started to move to acquire more such images and find them and see them- and AGAIN, when I see the new images, I feel the need/desire to see it and I feel literally bad again.

At this point it would be cool to stop and see whether other people had had similar experiences, not necessarily in porn, however with the same pattern described here, which could involve porn. And to also allow for others to ask questions for clarifications on what I wrote, to see everyone fully understood what was written here. So I make a commitment to check within a week's time to write the next entry, and to answer questions.

Thanks,
Yogan



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Anna
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby Anna » 28 Jan 2014, 17:23

Cool Yogan.



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Kristina
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby Kristina » 03 Feb 2014, 20:51

Yes, very cool Yogan to walk this point openly for yourself and others. Look forward to the unfolding of this thread!



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby YoganBarrientos » 12 Mar 2014, 08:02

So it has been a while since I posted this. I apologize if anyone was expecting sooner replies. I did say I was going to post weekly. So here I am, better late than never right?

So I one motivation for me to quit porn, early on, was how I did not see how I could have something in my life that I would not be able to talk with the people I am with. There is a shame because women were being treated a certain way in porn, and how if women knew I was watching porn, I feared being judge harshly for that. I also judge harshly guys who watched porn, so for me to say, I am a good guy or better guy then them. I also see how my mom disapproved of porn, so I already had an idea that Porn is bad.
To tell you the truth, porn is not bad. I mean, the literal images are not what is causing harm to people. For the actress or girls/women and men in porn they are harmed by the money point. For the young boys/girls who watch porn, they are harmed by the lack of community support and openness of how one feels and experiences oneself, for addicts they are harmed through their own unwillingness to stand up for themselves and what they truly want. Porn like every point humans participate in, is an excuse. It doesn't have to be, but it is currently. I used porn, like tv, like movies, like video games, like thinking, like eating, like sleeping as a way to avoid myself and how I felt, and how I am not allowing myself and going after what it really means to live. I know what I want, but I didn't go after it, so the addictions crept in. And we are all addicts, we are all addicted to our thoughts at the very least. Because we don't have the guts to stand up and say who we are. We are living in denial of who we are. We live in denial of the past. We live in denial of the future. We deny everything. There is nothing in this existence that you are not one and equal to. REmember that. SO porn is just one point. And your relationship to porn is you stating who you are and what you are willing to accept and allow in all of your relationships to every point in your life. There is nothing that can stop you, but you. Remember that. You are the point that decides your fate. NO one else does that. They may physically torture you, but still you are the point that determines who you are. No one has access to that but you.

One thing that has helped me in porn stopping, is seeing myself as that women/person. Seeing yourself as that person, sort of dissolves that point of sexiness as you are just you. That is your skin. That is your knees, arms, legs. That is you. And you may begin to see more than what you belived was possible. So have fun!!!



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KellyPosey
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby KellyPosey » 12 Mar 2014, 12:18

Cool Yogan.
One thing that has helped me in porn stopping, is seeing myself as that women/person. Seeing yourself as that person, sort of dissolves that point of sexiness as you are just you. That is your skin. That is your knees, arms, legs. That is you. And you may begin to see more than what you belived was possible. So have fun!!!
Very cool application Yogan, I have found the 'placing oneself in another's shoes' to be a super effective method in sorting out what is real and what is fiction, like what ideas/illusions have I attached to something just because I hadn't experienced the actual reality of it myself, where I can actually see that if I did I wouldn't be able to harbor such illusions because the illusions just don't match up to reality.



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Anna
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby Anna » 12 Mar 2014, 20:07

Cool Yogan.
One thing that has helped me in porn stopping, is seeing myself as that women/person. Seeing yourself as that person, sort of dissolves that point of sexiness as you are just you. That is your skin. That is your knees, arms, legs. That is you. And you may begin to see more than what you belived was possible. So have fun!!!
Very cool application Yogan, I have found the 'placing oneself in another's shoes' to be a super effective method in sorting out what is real and what is fiction, like what ideas/illusions have I attached to something just because I hadn't experienced the actual reality of it myself, where I can actually see that if I did I wouldn't be able to harbor such illusions because the illusions just don't match up to reality.
Very cool Yogan!

lol Kelly I just wrote a blog about this: Why We Can't Change the World Without Placing Ourselves in the Shoes of Another: DAY 272



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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby Marlen » 13 Mar 2014, 22:03

I have found the 'placing oneself in another's shoes' to be a super effective method in sorting out what is real and what is fiction, like what ideas/illusions have I attached to something just because I hadn't experienced the actual reality of it myself, where I can actually see that if I did I wouldn't be able to harbor such illusions because the illusions just don't match up to reality.

I've also done something similar but mostly in relation to realizing: if I don't want to be an object of lust and desire for others, meaning others using me/my image for such purposes, then why should I do that onto others? So it's the principle of not doing onto another what I would not want to be done onto me. That also grounds the point not only in this case, but any other moment where we 'use' another for certain point of self interest that we would not want to be an object of ourselves.

So this also goes hand in hand with placing ourselves in the shoes of the other and then simply direct ourselves by principle instead of what we manipulate to become an 'okay thing' when we know that if we turn the roles, we would not like to do that unto ourselves.

Thanks for sharing guys



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viktor
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby viktor » 25 Mar 2014, 22:32

Cool,

One point that have been supportive for me in relation to sexual imagery is to realize that it is not real – meaning: the female, the environment, the colors, the positions, the facial expressions – nothing is real – it is specifically directed and orchestrated in order to make money and behind each photograph or video there is a team of people that are not genuine in what they do - because porn is a business and thus all involved are there to make money.

This is also something cool to apply to movies, to stop oneself from being mesmerized by the images - to realize that it is all specific, all orchestrated and everything is directed to create a certain picture or mood - all in all: it is not real.



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby YoganBarrientos » 06 Sep 2014, 05:36

if I don't want to be an object of lust and desire for others, meaning others using me/my image for such purposes, then why should I do that onto others?
I find what Marlen wrote very interesting. Because I can't understand the statement from my own direct experience, because I do wish and have wished to be a desired object, which is how I have entered into relationships before in the past.

Its very interesting to not have a point of reference for something.

I know this is slightly metaphorical, but I am sure most of you would agree that Porn is simply an image, and we are also images.
So, for me, I grew up creating a particular image, particularly my hair. So I was, you could say, like a literal actor in a Porn movie, the porn movie being myself, and I would get ready every morning making up how I look, and enter the world to generate energy, through a story that spanned many years which eventually led to my first sex scene. Oddly enough, every girl I dated, like my hair, that's what they said to me. And I don't remember any of them liking how I am. Except when I get excited. I mean they noticed how I am, quiet, watchful, observant, but they didn't say they liked it. They always liked something else more, energetic. Like how I talked about love, or my hair, or that I liked them or did things for them. Never, who I am, my presence. Good thing none of them worked out then, huh?

This a porn thread about my history, so, I do wish to speak about this point. My parents did not place a block on adult material on the internet, which every computer has that. Even though that would not prevent me fantasizing, and looking for sexual images on tv shows or movies, it would have lessen my activity, and greater participation in thinking about and looking for these images. So if any parents are reading this, make sure you put adult blocks on your children's computers, and the computers in the house. Having said this, I would say that children can also easily see porn in their friends computers or with their friends, so it is important and necessary, by my opinion, to speak to your children about pornography. My mom talked about pornography only once, and she said how she disliked seeing those movies. I could tell that in her voice, as a little kid, how she was afraid to speak about that point openly, which gave me the excuse or window, to create myself as a victim or addict to porn who can't help himself but watch something that is distasteful (using my moms dislike). You see, I didn't understand the mechanics behind porn that I understand now. I didn't understand the physical abuse the woman go through, the drugs they take to numb the pain. How by watching videos or content on porn you are actually generating revenue through the form of online advertisement to directly support those porn companies. How many women get diseases and are abused by the men. Its literally hell.

Tying things back to the original point that opened up today's post. I now stand within not focusing on and making my hair up to attract women, because I both don't want to attract a woman based on that point, because I wouldn't want to be attracted to a woman by her hair or appearance, and because I don't want a woman to have to make up her hair to attract a mate, because then you end up in a pointless relationship where you are not even aware or paying attention to the presence of the person you are with, and who they are, which would be the real person, and so the real reason why you would spend time with them, and I am ready to get real.



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Anna
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Re: Yogan's history with Porn

Postby Anna » 06 Sep 2014, 10:25

Cool Yogan.

Regarding the point of us being images, I wouldn't say that we ARE images, but more that we see ourselves as images and present ourselves as images to each other.

Thanks for sharing.




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