How I almost became a Rapist due to Porn. Pt 2
https://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpr ... porn-pt-2/
Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.
Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.
Read Pt. 1 here.
Hi, it´s me again.
Now, assuming that you have read the previous blog that I wrote and the links of info, I ´m going to continue with the specifics of it all:
What I want you to understand is how I came to feel so much hate about sex and within that towards the relationships, partners and so on, because I was so afraid of my own desires, to be controlled by them, and I really felt sometimes that I was not going to be able to stop, sometimes after masturbation I felt so much shame and anger that I will hit and punch myself, because it´s like from one part you actually want to become a better person, but you feel you can´t, you hate your desires, and you believe that they control you (be very careful of that, of blaming your own desires, because it´s not them, but you who is making them possible).
I tried to stop it by masturbating with porn, having sex with prostitutes, but you know what? It only became worst, why? Because that “ideal experience” that I told you about, was still there, and it´s like that endless search remains within us until we apparently get it. In each occasion I promised to myself that I was going to stop, but obviously I would participate on it and I felt so possessed by this desire that I thought I was not able to stop them, once the experience began, I would close any “moral consideration” while within myself I just wanted to really, REALLY live a different life, one in which I was able to respect myself and I would go into it, and masturbate watching pornography for example and of course at the end I will be angry, so angry that I would beat and hit myself because I believed that if I provoked physical pain to myself and related it to porn and masturbation I will be afraid of doing it, and yes… I get so afraid of actually speaking with someone, or to go into a relationship with someone… I became afraid of sex, because it seemed as “such a bad thing” you know?
I inflicted pain constantly and continuously to myself to “punish me” for having this thoughts, and within that it´s like that “infliction of pain” was at the same time an hypocrisy because, I saw it as a way of “compensate the damage” specially in relation to the religion that I used to practice by that time… Christianity… and you know, I used to pray a lot, but it’s just like, I will even ask to God, why are you doing this? JAJA, it´s funny you know, because it´s like another way of justifying “Oh, I don´t have control, God haves it” getting rid of religion was an important part in my process to restore the power, because as long as there is a God or someone greater than you (including this experience that we believe our god or to be greater than us sometimes) you will keep playing the victim.
There was even a moment where I took a Knife and it´s like I threaten myself to show me that I was “serious about it”, and I even cut myself sometimes a little bit, but I was actually to coward to commit suicide, in spite that I really wanted to do it, but anyway… So at the end, I just ended up participating in it over and over again, and the same scene repeated itself over and over again (this point is important keep it in mind as I progress with the story)
In this particular idea/personality I also created a very violent mind (do you remember what I told you about blaming your desires? can you see the dangerous relationship? Sex, Violence and possessive thoughts… not a nice combination isn´t it?) and you know, it´s like within that I programed myself to react “violently towards sex” where in the moment that I experienced blame I would project that blame outside of myself towards the desires… you know, many times you hear about this people, rapists that kill their victims and it makes you wonder (when you have experienced what I did) if it was an accident, maybe they were possessed by their own fear, or their blame…, the relationship can be very, very dangerous, very confuse within the mind of any person.
I also tried to play the “good person by helping everyone as much as I could” because, I believed that I was going to be “forgiven” as I was now compensating for my “participation in the porn pictures”. You also know about this cases or situations in which the religious “leaders”, priests… rape children and other people… maybe the same process you know? Trying to “alleviate” the inner struggle, and they try to find the “strength in God” because apparently only a greater force can stop their desires, as they don´t feel able to face their “inner demons”, and then they rape children, why? Because they “trust them”, they are the “example of goodness” and of course it´s easily than with an adult, because the children cannot protect themselves and the children remain silent in spite of the uncomfortable experience within themselves of “this is simply not good”, but how? If this guy represents the good and you know, shit like that and of course those guys are being protected by church, I mean it is obvious, because if the relationship is realized between guilt, sex you know? Not a very good propaganda for our friends in the church.
There was a moment in which I didn´t give a shit about sex anymore, I just wanted this fucking thoughts to stop and simply don´t having to know anything about them anymore, because they were driven me crazy! Sometimes I was walking down the street and I would see a girl (any girl actually) and the moment I saw her, my eyes would go to her ass and her breasts and in that moment, the reactions would come and the pictures and the experience would be of such an extent, that I actually felt that I had to run away, to stop and get away from her, because I was afraid that I could be driven by this desires and actually would go and rape someone and to give you an idea of how much this desires could possess me, this happened to me even when seeing males, where it is like I will just want to have “that experience” that I was talking about in the first blog, the “ideal experience” that I would think into just take anybody and have such experience, yeah I know, not the best picture to carry with you isn´t it?
See, one of the problems that I was able to find is that I perceived myself as incapable of doing it, meaning having sex with women you know? While the desire felt so big that I felt unable to control it, to direct it and as I said it came to a point where I really believe that I was going to rape someone to satisfy this urge, this need, this desire, but ironically I didn´t gave a fuck about sex, I just wanted this to stop and I believed that it would only stop once that I experience it… I can see that moment clearly within my mind, when I began to touch my cousin in the believe that there was no other way that I would do it… and while in my mind I was screaming “Stop, Stop, Stop!” it´s like at the same time, I was just saying: “just a little more”. That´s why, the situation with my cousin happened the way it did, because “she trusted me and loved me (as his uncle of course)”.
Nevertheless, believe me that when I see how I betrayed that love and that trust for this desires to satisfy this personal interest, I can also see the real nature about this abusive sexual compulsion, where… I mean if at least I didn´t did anything else but to touch her, I don´t know to what extent I harmed her expression only because I didn´t wanted to see anything else but this desire, only because I didn´t wanted to take into consideration another human being and only went for my personal interests and this is why I can understand to what extent the abuse can take place when we allow ourselves to be possess by any energetic or emotional experience. And I see that this can happens in any fucking experience, like anger for example where I would also imagine that I will beat the people (maybe by consequence of hitting myself when this desire came… but as I projected blame onto the desire instead of realizing it is me creating it, I will “punish my body” and now that I was feeling it onto other people… can you see the relationship our mind creates?) in sadness I had thoughts of committing suicide, or the desires as I have explained, where I imagine myself taking the people and raping them; I realized the importance and the responsibility that I had of dealing with my own mind to get sure and guaranty not only my integrity but also of those around me.
And I mean, of course I later realize that I was able to stop, but it´s just that I didn´t wanted to stop, because I didn´t want to see how this ideas and relationship existed within my mind, and this is why the process of Desteni of Self Forgiveness was the most amazing support that I could have ever received, because I began to see, the origin of the desires and what I was creating in the pictures and how I was creating it, I was able to see the relationship and once that it made sense and could find the “symbolism” in the pictures that I was seeing, everything made sense, but as I said I didn´t wanted to stop because the experience felt really good and it was so addictive…
But what I actually had to understand was that I didn´t required to “fight the desire”, that the “desire in itself is not evil” but it was me making it evil and it was just that I was so unsure of myself that I went to the porn instead of actually allowing myself to meet someone and try to experience myself with that person you know? The porn material is designed as a rape scene, watch it closely, it really hides all the evidence, how the man touches the woman as if she were an object, how the man seems to not be able to stop his desire and just like jumps on the woman and how the “woman seems to ask for it and enjoy the rape”, where apparently both are not able to control their desires and just go into it and so I said to myself “is just that I am not able to control it” (and my religious background of courses didn´t helped at all, in trying to fight the desire with guilt) while their faces actually express pain and not pleasure.
The moment I stop resisting masturbation and see that the pleasure came from the physical touch and not from the pictures was how I slowly but surely get rid of the porn material and was able to masturbate without fear, understanding it is me and just me in masturbation, there is no pictures, not anyone or anything else, just me in that moment and that is really cool you know? Because you no longer see yourself dependent on the picture, on the experience on others to enjoy yourself, and I have been actually able to go in some relationships and have real sex, with real people, which is really something awesome for me. But you know this desire no longer “drives me crazy”, I decide whether I masturbate or not, whether I have sex or not
Yes it happens more often than what you would believe; I mean every time that you go into your tantrum of: “This is what makes me feel good, fuck off what you think or if you agree with it or not (specially for guys when you watch porn…) I will keep doing it because I want my experience, I want to have this” that we tolerate the abuse in the world, because actually, the suffering within us is so big, that we don´t know who we will be without those experiences, we don´t know what will happen with us if we didn´t had that which “gave meaning” to this boring, monotonous and ruthless life, we don´t know what will happen without our emotions and feelings driving us to feel what we “apparently want to feel”; but have you ever asked yourself (specially males):
Are these desires really my own? Why do I focus or give so much attention to the breasts or the ass of a woman? Wouldn´t it be consequence of the constant and continuous emphasis that his culture push into such parts of the body? Couldn´t it be possible that the constant movement of such pictures within porn, where they focus constantly and continuously “tells you to see and give attention to such parts?” Did you know that in other cultures, the breasts and the ass standard of “what makes it attractive” changes depending on culture values and vision? Did you know that our model of what apparently a perfect woman is, only comes from a superimposed vision created by the major industries of beauty standards of our countries or even other countries who bring tons of their shit pictures to ours?
Look, I know that so many times it seems that we require to make a great effort in this life, in our day to day, just to keep going throughout the struggle and pain that we experience in trying to survive and live in this world.
We have been taught to believe that the sense of living it’s within the experiences of love, happiness, friendship, sex and so on, and we try so desperately to make sense of this experiences and to find ourselves within it, going and becoming who and whatever we require to be to get and experience that which we are taught “Is Life”. We also are taught that we can find that happiness, love, friendship, sexual experience if we buy this or that product, if we do this or that activity, if we become this or that person just to find at the very end, that we have lost something (I mean, I am sure that a vast majority can relate to this) in those moments when you look at the past, and we feel that we have missed something very important, it seems as if that child that we used to be, it´s gone, that that unconditional expression that allowed us to simply enjoy of this world, has evaporated into the routine of tons of hours of tedious and boring so called life.
Yet, what I have found its that it is actually the other way around, meaning, that actually, what made my life, so boring, monotonous and nonsensical, was actually that my entire life I followed this experiences trying to find something within them, trying to find that happiness, that love, that experience of absolute bliss and satisfaction within them, and at the very end, I found that I followed my entire life this emotions and feelings, trying to reach such experiences… and you know what, “THAT WAS PRECISELY THE PROBLEM!!!”, that all my life I was just following this thoughts, this ideas and emotions to try and reach that which was “promised” within such ideal happiness that is always portrayed within pictures of magazines, movies, publicity, porn, internet, etc.
And because I was following this experiences, I never actually allowed myself to realize that the problem was not going to change by changing my friends, my partners (yes, we tend to do that, believing that if we change of partner, is because our partner is not satisfying us or fulfilling us and of course we become more manipulative and dishonest with our next partner in trying to not make “the same mistakes that we did with the other” and to avoid the conflicts and the problems, by simply not discussing or talking honestly about who we really are, while we create new ways of deceiving and manipulating to “get things under control” and that is why it becomes so difficult to get to know anyone in this world, because everyone is afraid of facing the fear of being alone that they think that if they really allow themselves to be direct and express who they really are (self honestly speaking) that they would just loose that which they are taught to believe will give them reason and meaning in their life’s (just because a system tells you that you must get relationships and sex, and if you don´t… it´s because you as a person are a failure) and so we try to find that person to which we can “live in limitation” and search for that new picture towards which we can create another experience, get bored and marry with that picture at the very end)
Our entire life´s we just look for and search for this experiences, for sex, for love, for happiness, waiting that it will give “sense” to what we are experiencing right now as humanity; you know, we wait that moment where we apparently will be able to make sense of all of it, to make sense of so much pain, so much fear and sadness, not only within ourselves, but within this entire humanity as a whole and that´s why we keep like saying to ourselves: “I have to go there”, and it´s ironical you know? That lack for sense and purpose that sometimes we experience within ourselves, because when we try to define it, we can´t “we just know we are in a SEARCH for something… but, could it be that “THAT SEARCH” that we are experiencing, is the search for emotions and feelings that we expect and hope to give us that which we believe we need to understand ourselves?
I believe that one of the things that we lack as humanity is to get to know ourselves a little bit better, because maybe if you could see how much it is that everyone feels unsure and afraid of themselves within themselves because of their physical appearance, capacities and how much they fight to be accepted as that which they are shown to present of themselves as “acceptable, valid, and what not” instead of seeing their true capacities for change, maybe we could be able to just for a moment see beyond that veil of our limitations and find our true potential, and realize within that, that one of the things that this humanity needs and requires to be really free is to see what they have been taught to believe about themselves and realize that what they have sacrificed only for a picture is actually more, than becoming just a picture for others for example.
That we can wake up one day and say “Fuck off this shit!, We are greater/better that this”. Believe me, I have seen what I gave up by only a couple of pictures and desires within my life, the potential that I missed… don´t allow yourself to lose it, or to see it destroyed by a couple of companies that want to make money out of you and don´t give a shit about what happens to your mind… and I mean they can´t “see themselves as responsible for your mind”, because apparently everyone should be able to control it you know? Their desires… but the reality is that, we are responsible for what we participate in, so if you want to stop, get rid of porn…
Quoting our friend Sartre: “What do we mean by saying that existence precedes essence? We mean that man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterwards. If man as the existentialist sees him is not definable, it is because to begin with he is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself. Thus, there is no human nature, because there is no God to have a conception of it. Man simply is. Not that he is simply what he conceives himself to be, but he is what he wills, and as he conceives himself after already existing – as he wills to be after that leap towards existence. Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself”.
Proof to yourself that you have something to live for and I know that many times we try to find this meaning in the wrong places, we try to find it in our partners (boyfriend or girlfriend), sex, or whatever… the true meaning and I know that I am the last person from which you would like to hear something like this, you know, I am not like the most “morally acceptable guy in this world” and I understand that it´s difficult to see a person who has done so much harm in his life beyond the label of a Rapist, of an abuser; but yet, I do have something that can help to humanity, something that has helped me to proof to myself that this humanity can change and that proof has been myself, I mean if someone as myself could change his mind, his way of thinking and living, I that existed in such a vicious mind, every single one of us can.
If you only could see what I see, I am sure that you will give to this humanity another chance, but you have to “give to yourself” this chance (can – see/change), this opportunity, to believe in yourself, to believe that you can stop whatever it is that is bothering you, to change whatever you find that requires to be changed within yourself and you walk it and prove it to yourself, that you have this power and you allow yourself to see it in each and every single person around you, suddenly, the possibilities that this world presents are beyond the imagination, suddenly this life recovers sense and direction whatever this may be, but the main understanding to see, to realize is that we must give it to ourselves, because we are already doing it.
Or as it is said by our dear friend Sartre: We will freedom for freedom’s sake, in and through particular circumstances. And in thus willing freedom, we discover that it depends entirely upon the freedom of others and that the freedom of others depends upon our own. Obviously, freedom as the definition of a man does not depend upon others, but as soon as there is a commitment, I am obliged to will the liberty of others at the same time as my own. I cannot make liberty my aim unless I make that of others equally my aim
I mean, yes, what I created within my mind was so abusive that it would seem as if this humanity, the nature within ourselves was completely and entirely doomed to exist in the most evil of natures, and I also thought that the human was completely and entirely doom to the worst of its ends; yet, what I have also have seen is that I can do create a new life, a future. That proof, that evidence was and still is myself.
Thanks for reading.