How my Addiction to Porn Began: DAY 19
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I started to watch porno online like really much in 2005 or 2006. By then my abuse had stretched so far into the depths of whet is porno that I was in reality a monster and my mind was filed to its rims with abusive porn from the internet. I would mind myself not to download and just observe the porno, through streaming. I was afraid of the consequences of having a computer filled with porno and I was in general hiding this I relationship of abuse within secrets of my mind. I write this here now because it is clear to me that what is best for all in that someone share these stories. Someone share these incidents and this type of addiction, to the rest of the world and also the growing generation that is coming after us, and which show clear sign already of the porn addiction and sexual confusion and perversions.
My relationship to porn started before 2005. Back when I was 9 or 10 years old or maybe before that even I would find porn magazines along the high way. I grew up 30 meters from a European high way of e 39. Some times I would find porno magazines along the high way. I would sometimes share these magazines perhaps with my cousins that I grew up close in relation to. These porno magazines I would hide in my room or outside in caves or beneath rocks. The porno magazines where my thrill and my sensations in my world growing up. I recall that I would stare at the nude girls vaginas and women breasts in the magazines and just study the bodies in every way I could.
I was more than one time told straight by my mother and my father. They caught me with porno magazines in my room stored away in hidden closets and drawers I would later become real upset and depressed from losing my porn pictures and images.
The magazines I found along the highway were my treasures, and my secrets when I was growing up. I remember that I read that in the back of the porno magazines that I found there where advertisements for porno videos and online phone chats, sex chats. During growing up I was also introduced to porno by a video from my third cousin. I particularly remember that movie. It was a Danish movie. And I remember its sense mixed of humors and nudity and sex acting out. Later in when I was 14 or 15, in 1993, I was again introduced to watch a porno video. I remember I was super exited. This was during school hours and we would sneak out and watch the short porno movies at a nearby house. I had not ever seen a porno video, or a video where live flesh and real nude pictures where moving and where the nude bodies, would be in display. This VHS tape that I was to watch was recorded from a TV station. A so-called and well-known liberal TV station that had adult films and programs. We where about 4 or 5 boys then that would sneak in to the home of a class mate and we would watch a short 5 or 10 minute long porno movie of nudity and sex exposure.
So these are basically my first 3 happenings where I would be discovering the world of porn.
Here comes some self-forgiveness on early days with porno. Thank you for reading.
May I suggest for you to start your process with Desteni. Self-forgiveness is but the most profound tool to reach for self-honest and to reach for self-respect. There are several processes that could be walked. And thy all rock. The lite process with Desteni is free. I would recommend it allot to anyone. A carpenter, an unemployed, a drugger, a teacher, student, a directior, a doctor, or anyone other earthling that can read and write. It is but real and honest, and there for important to learn self forgiveness ad self corrections and self commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moment when I as a child found porno magazines along the high way and I forgive myself or having accepted and allowed myself for the sudden rush of dopamine that would start flowing through me like a drug and like a addiction, and I forgive myself for having created right there and right then a relationship with porno and with addiction to porno that I would later crave like a drug and for later today realizing that I have created a addiction with porno from then and that I from those moments of looking through the porno magazines like boom, had started an addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for letting in my childhood years my addiction to porno get all out of hand when I would find more and more porno magazines along the high ways and create this secret mind about owning porno magazines and having porno pictures, in my possession, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hiding from my parents the porno pictures and the images of porno that I would evolve a addictive relationship to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for when I was 11 or maybe 12 years old that I would visit my 3 rd cousin and we would watch a soft core movie together, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my memory of negative character of my memory of drinking alcohol and later watching the soft core, porn movie together with my 3rd cousin, and for my memory of thinking that the movie was to soft core and that I specifically remember that I wanted to see more intimate parts of the porn actresses body, and I remember that I was drinking alcohol and that I had these thought progress within me manifesting as a character of sabotaging and of abuse within my life and in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for later blaming my third cousin for serving me alcohol and for introducing me to soft core porno and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the blame that I would serve him for his participation with serving me alcohol and the porno movie, when I realize that when I pas this blame in a only serving my selfishness, and I only wanted to avoid being responsible with myself and for when I avoid being responsible I am in fact sabotaging myself and not serving myself honesty.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to take responsibility for my action and for not wanting to hide from my responsibility with how I acted when I was in elementary school, growing porn addiction, and for not taking the full responsibility for my actions and my responsibility for my own life, and for my memories that I find hard to determine whether is negative or positive and I realize that my ability to balance or know when to take responsibility for is at stake and I further forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for creating a bubble of imaginations and mind components that I should just let my addiction go on and not care about is of take responsibility for it, when I rather need and should face my addictions and my memories and my fears so that I can stand as a responsible human being. Relating to this world and to my responsibilities in an honest manner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, for not realizing or fully understanding that my addiction to porn and to porno started when I was in elementary school and perhaps before that with kids play and I forgive myself for having accepted and I have allowed myself for hiding my shame and fear from the reality that would grow big and ugly on me later in life from having lived a life in abuse and with porno addiction and for having lived a life with what I would call severe addiction, that lived on through me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my relationship of energies on having a selfish need to decide whether my relationship to porno online is addictive or if it is in anyway causing me to have a relationship based on dopamine or adrenaline when I am online or presented porno, and I feel this urge to relate to it in a manner of judging myself and I sort of freeze and forget to properly dealt with, if or if not my relationship is an addiction or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times when I se for instance a bikini online or a woman with little clothes, on her and I use this as a deliberate reason to jerk of. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the images that appear in my mind and in my head when I jerk of and I realize that I still have an addiction to porno, when I am jerking of an projecting all sort of images in my mind making it harder for me to really masturbate and to really have an intimate all right session with myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for all the times that I let picture appear on my screen of bikini ladies or of women that are more or less nude, and I let this trigger a reaction within me, and I use this a as reason to start an intimate session or just plain jerking of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times when I am masturbating and when I am having a intimate session, that I would experience some sort of pictures flowing through my mind that I would experience some sort of need or this and that picture and for the images that I let run through my mind and that I let, have its way with me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself or ignoring the pictures and the images that run through me and that I would try to block out the images from my mind and I would try just to imagine how nice it is to be intimate with myself and my experience of my intimacy and for my experience of blocking out images of my mind and my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the particular episode of when me and my buddies where given a VHS tape to watch that contained some porno and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the excitement that I felt when I was walking over to this school buddy of mine and I was to watch the porno tape and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my need or wanting to bee intimate with that episode or my need open up any type of memories of history from those days of any type of memories from my years going to school.
When and as I see myself coming to a conclusion that a am living a life in addiction, or a life with adrenaline addiction to nude bodies or bodies that are sexually acting out. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am judging myself and causing blame from having lives with porn addiction for many years and that within my life and my world and I realize that I am no longer addicted to the adrenaline rush of porno or nude bodies but I am rather stuck in moments of realizing that I have been addicted to porno online and sex online.
When and as I see myself going back in time and causing blame with my cousins or causing blame with my school mates, or anyone else, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I go back to memories to serve guilt and to serve blame I am not being honest with myself I am not giving myself the truth or honesty and I commit myself to be honest about my memories and to be honest about my sexuality and my acting out free and for my desire to be intimate with myself and my desire to have intimate sessions with my body and to masturbate.
When and as I see myself remembering pictures or short videos of pornographic content or I feel like jerking of and stimulate myself with masturbation and I know that pictures of porn might jump up in my mind and appear in my head like images of an emotionally state or a state of depression or shame. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno is addictive and I also realize that I have come to the conclusion that porno is wrong. I commit myself to avoid entering porn sites and to avoid looking at porno on the Internet. I commit myself to end my relationship that I have had or experienced with porno.
When and as I see myself remembering or just procrastinating parts of my physical or mind memory that I have from porno. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno only make me depressed and it makes me feel bad looking back at the happenings and the incident. I commit myself to stop living in memories and to stop living a life with memorizing how I used to look at porno and blaming myself because of that. I commit myself to end my relationship to porno ad to stop my participation with the negativity that porno or memories of porno is.
When and as I see myself looking through my mind memories and my physical memories and I find pieces of porno and I find traces of porno content in within myself. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I need to debunk my mind and my physical for porn and for content that is ever porno - ish. I commit myself to debunk and to walk out all what is needed to be walked out in relation to porno. I commit myself to stop participating with porno and stop stimulating myself with the usage of porno.
When and as I see myself going back in my memories to specific pictures of specific videos that are pornographic I stop and I breathe. I realize that all the memories and all the pictures of pornographic content have to leave my body, and I need to get all of it out of my body. I commit myself to debunk all my material and al my pornographic content that was ever with me or in me.
When and as I see myself going into blame or shame or guilt or any other emotional state or emotional way of reacting and way of thinking I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I burry myself in shame and guilt and sorrow from having viewed porn before, I am not being honest with myself and I am not supporting myself at all. I commit myself to stop living in an emotional state of blame and regret. I commit myself to be honest with myself and to give myself the support that I need and to be honest with myself with my intimacy and bring myself back to breathe.
When and as I see myself going into blame or anger or any emotional state of feeling bad or sorry for myself I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I let myself go into a state of emotional distress or emotional disturbance or just blame myself with shame and sorrow on a continually basis I am not a well functioning being, and I am not being supporting with myself at all. And I am overdosing on shame and sorrow I am not being honest with myself at all. And I commit myself to be honest with myself and bring myself back to breathe and here as life.
When and as I se myself going into a character or a type entity where I imagine that "hey, some porno would be nice" or in any way suggesting that to watch porno would be nice or all right for me to participate with - I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I fool myself with wanting or having to watch porno I realize that I am merely fooling myself and deceiving myself with the desire to watch nudity and sex online that would only bring me down emotionally.
Thank you for reading my blog: I suggest for anyone that can read & write to investigate Desteni and the different Desteni processes. It is hat is best for all. - Cheers
Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.
Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.