Porn Addicts Journey to Life

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Anna
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 17 Sep 2013, 11:07

How my Addiction to Porn Began: DAY 19
http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpre ... an-day-19/

I started to watch porno online like really much in 2005 or 2006. By then my abuse had stretched so far into the depths of whet is porno that I was in reality a monster and my mind was filed to its rims with abusive porn from the internet. I would mind myself not to download and just observe the porno, through streaming. I was afraid of the consequences of having a computer filled with porno and I was in general hiding this I relationship of abuse within secrets of my mind. I write this here now because it is clear to me that what is best for all in that someone share these stories. Someone share these incidents and this type of addiction, to the rest of the world and also the growing generation that is coming after us, and which show clear sign already of the porn addiction and sexual confusion and perversions.

My relationship to porn started before 2005. Back when I was 9 or 10 years old or maybe before that even I would find porn magazines along the high way. I grew up 30 meters from a European high way of e 39. Some times I would find porno magazines along the high way. I would sometimes share these magazines perhaps with my cousins that I grew up close in relation to. These porno magazines I would hide in my room or outside in caves or beneath rocks. The porno magazines where my thrill and my sensations in my world growing up. I recall that I would stare at the nude girls vaginas and women breasts in the magazines and just study the bodies in every way I could.

I was more than one time told straight by my mother and my father. They caught me with porno magazines in my room stored away in hidden closets and drawers I would later become real upset and depressed from losing my porn pictures and images.

The magazines I found along the highway were my treasures, and my secrets when I was growing up. I remember that I read that in the back of the porno magazines that I found there where advertisements for porno videos and online phone chats, sex chats. During growing up I was also introduced to porno by a video from my third cousin. I particularly remember that movie. It was a Danish movie. And I remember its sense mixed of humors and nudity and sex acting out. Later in when I was 14 or 15, in 1993, I was again introduced to watch a porno video. I remember I was super exited. This was during school hours and we would sneak out and watch the short porno movies at a nearby house. I had not ever seen a porno video, or a video where live flesh and real nude pictures where moving and where the nude bodies, would be in display. This VHS tape that I was to watch was recorded from a TV station. A so-called and well-known liberal TV station that had adult films and programs. We where about 4 or 5 boys then that would sneak in to the home of a class mate and we would watch a short 5 or 10 minute long porno movie of nudity and sex exposure.

So these are basically my first 3 happenings where I would be discovering the world of porn.

Here comes some self-forgiveness on early days with porno. Thank you for reading.

May I suggest for you to start your process with Desteni. Self-forgiveness is but the most profound tool to reach for self-honest and to reach for self-respect. There are several processes that could be walked. And thy all rock. The lite process with Desteni is free. I would recommend it allot to anyone. A carpenter, an unemployed, a drugger, a teacher, student, a directior, a doctor, or anyone other earthling that can read and write. It is but real and honest, and there for important to learn self forgiveness ad self corrections and self commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the moment when I as a child found porno magazines along the high way and I forgive myself or having accepted and allowed myself for the sudden rush of dopamine that would start flowing through me like a drug and like a addiction, and I forgive myself for having created right there and right then a relationship with porno and with addiction to porno that I would later crave like a drug and for later today realizing that I have created a addiction with porno from then and that I from those moments of looking through the porno magazines like boom, had started an addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for letting in my childhood years my addiction to porno get all out of hand when I would find more and more porno magazines along the high ways and create this secret mind about owning porno magazines and having porno pictures, in my possession, and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for hiding from my parents the porno pictures and the images of porno that I would evolve a addictive relationship to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for when I was 11 or maybe 12 years old that I would visit my 3 rd cousin and we would watch a soft core movie together, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my memory of negative character of my memory of drinking alcohol and later watching the soft core, porn movie together with my 3rd cousin, and for my memory of thinking that the movie was to soft core and that I specifically remember that I wanted to see more intimate parts of the porn actresses body, and I remember that I was drinking alcohol and that I had these thought progress within me manifesting as a character of sabotaging and of abuse within my life and in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for later blaming my third cousin for serving me alcohol and for introducing me to soft core porno and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the blame that I would serve him for his participation with serving me alcohol and the porno movie, when I realize that when I pas this blame in a only serving my selfishness, and I only wanted to avoid being responsible with myself and for when I avoid being responsible I am in fact sabotaging myself and not serving myself honesty.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself for not wanting to take responsibility for my action and for not wanting to hide from my responsibility with how I acted when I was in elementary school, growing porn addiction, and for not taking the full responsibility for my actions and my responsibility for my own life, and for my memories that I find hard to determine whether is negative or positive and I realize that my ability to balance or know when to take responsibility for is at stake and I further forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for creating a bubble of imaginations and mind components that I should just let my addiction go on and not care about is of take responsibility for it, when I rather need and should face my addictions and my memories and my fears so that I can stand as a responsible human being. Relating to this world and to my responsibilities in an honest manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, for not realizing or fully understanding that my addiction to porn and to porno started when I was in elementary school and perhaps before that with kids play and I forgive myself for having accepted and I have allowed myself for hiding my shame and fear from the reality that would grow big and ugly on me later in life from having lived a life in abuse and with porno addiction and for having lived a life with what I would call severe addiction, that lived on through me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my relationship of energies on having a selfish need to decide whether my relationship to porno online is addictive or if it is in anyway causing me to have a relationship based on dopamine or adrenaline when I am online or presented porno, and I feel this urge to relate to it in a manner of judging myself and I sort of freeze and forget to properly dealt with, if or if not my relationship is an addiction or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times when I se for instance a bikini online or a woman with little clothes, on her and I use this as a deliberate reason to jerk of. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the images that appear in my mind and in my head when I jerk of and I realize that I still have an addiction to porno, when I am jerking of an projecting all sort of images in my mind making it harder for me to really masturbate and to really have an intimate all right session with myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for all the times that I let picture appear on my screen of bikini ladies or of women that are more or less nude, and I let this trigger a reaction within me, and I use this a as reason to start an intimate session or just plain jerking of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the times when I am masturbating and when I am having a intimate session, that I would experience some sort of pictures flowing through my mind that I would experience some sort of need or this and that picture and for the images that I let run through my mind and that I let, have its way with me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself or ignoring the pictures and the images that run through me and that I would try to block out the images from my mind and I would try just to imagine how nice it is to be intimate with myself and my experience of my intimacy and for my experience of blocking out images of my mind and my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the particular episode of when me and my buddies where given a VHS tape to watch that contained some porno and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the excitement that I felt when I was walking over to this school buddy of mine and I was to watch the porno tape and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my need or wanting to bee intimate with that episode or my need open up any type of memories of history from those days of any type of memories from my years going to school.

When and as I see myself coming to a conclusion that a am living a life in addiction, or a life with adrenaline addiction to nude bodies or bodies that are sexually acting out. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am judging myself and causing blame from having lives with porn addiction for many years and that within my life and my world and I realize that I am no longer addicted to the adrenaline rush of porno or nude bodies but I am rather stuck in moments of realizing that I have been addicted to porno online and sex online.

When and as I see myself going back in time and causing blame with my cousins or causing blame with my school mates, or anyone else, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I go back to memories to serve guilt and to serve blame I am not being honest with myself I am not giving myself the truth or honesty and I commit myself to be honest about my memories and to be honest about my sexuality and my acting out free and for my desire to be intimate with myself and my desire to have intimate sessions with my body and to masturbate.

When and as I see myself remembering pictures or short videos of pornographic content or I feel like jerking of and stimulate myself with masturbation and I know that pictures of porn might jump up in my mind and appear in my head like images of an emotionally state or a state of depression or shame. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno is addictive and I also realize that I have come to the conclusion that porno is wrong. I commit myself to avoid entering porn sites and to avoid looking at porno on the Internet. I commit myself to end my relationship that I have had or experienced with porno.

When and as I see myself remembering or just procrastinating parts of my physical or mind memory that I have from porno. I stop and I breathe. I realize that porno only make me depressed and it makes me feel bad looking back at the happenings and the incident. I commit myself to stop living in memories and to stop living a life with memorizing how I used to look at porno and blaming myself because of that. I commit myself to end my relationship to porno ad to stop my participation with the negativity that porno or memories of porno is.

When and as I see myself looking through my mind memories and my physical memories and I find pieces of porno and I find traces of porno content in within myself. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I need to debunk my mind and my physical for porn and for content that is ever porno - ish. I commit myself to debunk and to walk out all what is needed to be walked out in relation to porno. I commit myself to stop participating with porno and stop stimulating myself with the usage of porno.

When and as I see myself going back in my memories to specific pictures of specific videos that are pornographic I stop and I breathe. I realize that all the memories and all the pictures of pornographic content have to leave my body, and I need to get all of it out of my body. I commit myself to debunk all my material and al my pornographic content that was ever with me or in me.

When and as I see myself going into blame or shame or guilt or any other emotional state or emotional way of reacting and way of thinking I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I burry myself in shame and guilt and sorrow from having viewed porn before, I am not being honest with myself and I am not supporting myself at all. I commit myself to stop living in an emotional state of blame and regret. I commit myself to be honest with myself and to give myself the support that I need and to be honest with myself with my intimacy and bring myself back to breathe.

When and as I see myself going into blame or anger or any emotional state of feeling bad or sorry for myself I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I let myself go into a state of emotional distress or emotional disturbance or just blame myself with shame and sorrow on a continually basis I am not a well functioning being, and I am not being supporting with myself at all. And I am overdosing on shame and sorrow I am not being honest with myself at all. And I commit myself to be honest with myself and bring myself back to breathe and here as life.

When and as I se myself going into a character or a type entity where I imagine that "hey, some porno would be nice" or in any way suggesting that to watch porno would be nice or all right for me to participate with - I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I fool myself with wanting or having to watch porno I realize that I am merely fooling myself and deceiving myself with the desire to watch nudity and sex online that would only bring me down emotionally.

Thank you for reading my blog: I suggest for anyone that can read & write to investigate Desteni and the different Desteni processes. It is hat is best for all. - Cheers

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.



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Benjamin Hailstone
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Benjamin Hailstone » 19 Sep 2013, 16:22

Hi.Thanks Anna and Ben for the great hangout "How Does Porn Change The Way We See The World" video.I think you are really doing a great job and taking this subject into new unchartered territories.It is such an important issue and you are providing the best resource for porn addiction on the internet.I only wish more people were aware of what you are doing.Your conversations have given rise to so many ideas and thoughts,I am still filtering and processing them.I really want to sit down and write a piece for this thread,but have just so much else to do at the moment it never seems like the right time.Hopefully I will get down to it soon.
Last edited by Benjamin Hailstone on 19 Sep 2013, 16:35, edited 1 time in total.



Marlen
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Marlen » 19 Sep 2013, 16:29

Very cool feedback! I agree and tune in today for another hangout

Thanks for sharing and feel free to also participate on contributing to this blog when you are ready for it, leave a message here or contact Anna directly.



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Anna
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 19 Sep 2013, 18:19

Hi.Thanks Anna and Ben for the great hangout "How Does Porn Change The Way We See The World" video.I think you are really doing a great job and taking this subject into new unchartered territories.It is such an important issue and you are providing the best resource for porn addiction on the internet.I only wish more people were aware of what you are doing.Your conversations have given rise to so many ideas and thoughts,I am still filtering and processing them.I really want to sit down and write a piece for this thread,but have just so much else to do at the moment it never seems like the right time.Hopefully I will get down to it soon.
Hi Benjamin.

Thanks a lot for the feedback. Glad to hear that it's supporting. That is definitely also why we're doing it. In today's hangout we'll be discussing the common justifications and excuses that exist within porn users.

If you want to write a piece for the blog, definitely go ahead - it doesn't have to be long. Simply sharing yourself would be cool.

Thanks again.



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Anna
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 20 Sep 2013, 09:14

The Making and Remediation of A Sexual Predator: DAY 20
http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpre ... or-day-20/

I am in a relationship with another Destonian. This is what we call an Agreement within the Desteni group. What this means is that our relationship isn’t based on attraction or on an experience of love. Instead it is build on a practical agreement – hence the word Agreement – that both agree to based on the principles shared by Desteni, to change our way of living from being mind-based in self-interest, to being based on practical living and a consideration of what is best for all. In our agreement we therefore work with transforming and transcending all programmed personalities and behaviors, for example those relationship patterns that we’ve been taught throughout our lives – so that we can establish a new way of living together that is based on practicality. Another point that we work with changing is sexuality and sexual expression – from being based on mental stimulation using images to become aroused, to a physical self-expression of intimacy and self-enjoyment.

For me, as someone who has been addicted to porn and masturbation, this point has been particularly difficult and it is something that I am still walking through even after having been with my partner for quite a while. Many thoughts, concerns and fears emerge when I approach the point of having sex. I’ve been so used to having sex based on mental stimulation, like fantasies that it has been difficult to transform my relationship to sex to a physical self-expression. One of the most prominent experiences that I’ve had is that I simply don’t feel anything. I feel unmotivated to have sex and I have realized that I have a distinct fear of being intimate. Because throughout my life I’ve separated sex from having anything to do with intimacy. Another point I’ve found difficult is how I’ve conditioned my sexuality through all the years watching porn. I’ve gotten used to only being turned on by specific fantasies and images and everything that wasn’t that, didn’t turn me on. I’ve also found that I’ve become so addicted to the energetic stimulation that I got out of masturbating, that I’d rather masturbate than having real sex with another human being, experiencing the latter as complicated and difficult while seeing masturbation as something through which I can derive maximum pleasure because I’m in control.

So the point that I’d like to share here is how, even once one has decided to stop watching porn (I haven’t watched for years) one can still be conditioned by one’s addiction, because it is something that has taken years to condition oneself to. It virtually becomes an integrated part of ‘who’ one is – and this is something that I can imagine that people, who haven’t watched porn, don’t understand. They don’t understand why we cannot simply quit and be over with it. But when you’ve spent years conditioning yourself through masturbating and fantasizing or watching porn every day, it is like the images get burned into your flesh and making a decision to stop, won’t simply make that go away. As a consequence, I have involuntary reactions of sexual arousal to particular words and pictures, while on the other hand experiencing great difficulty with real physical sex. Because within the real physical sex with my partner, within that moment of intimacy, I’m also faced with all the baggage that I’ve got with me – all the years of masturbating and fantasizing. And the most predominant experience within this has been that I feel contaminated. I feel like I have destroyed my sexuality through watching porn, masturbating and fantasizing – and it’s one of those ‘point of no return’ points where, once you cross that line, you can’t go back. You cannot simply erase, ignore or suppress what you’ve accepted and allowed.

So with all this, obviously the solution isn’t to now go into either hope or despair. Because what I’ve seen people do is to then say “then to hell with it! I cannot stop, so I might as well continue.” – because this is exactly the stuff that rapists and child molesters are made of. I am quite sure that there’s only a very minute portion of society who can clinically be defined as pedophiles. These are people with distinct mental disorders, caused sometimes by a combination of events taking place both within their environment as they were growing up as well as in their genetic and neurological make-up. But we’re seeing more and more stories of people abusing, raping and torturing children and as far as I can see, based on my own experience, these people aren’t clinical pedophiles. They didn’t have a mental dysfunction of becoming aroused by watching children as a result of biological and environmental influences. Instead, these are people who have been addicted to porn, masturbation and fantasies, who have gone through the process of creating a dependency on the energetic high generated through masturbating. And just like with many other drugs, the person will need a higher and higher ‘dosage’ to experience the ultimate ‘high’ or ‘buzz’. In the case of habitual masturbators, this then become more hardcore fantasies or porn movies, ending in the most extreme cases with sodomy, necrophilia and pedophilia because that’s the end of the limit – you cannot go further than that. And because society has (obvious) stigmas and taboos towards those points, there’s a renewable ‘fuel’ available to continuously energizing oneself through for example fear of getting caught, through shame, through the thrill of participating in something illegal and bad.

And unfortunately we’re now seeing the consequences of this development in how more and more extreme cases of sexual child abuse is emerging. I started looking at this point for myself, because I recently read a story in the news about a man who was convicted of having intended to kidnap, torture, rape and eat children. It wasn’t clear if he had already done it, but he was discovered through his activities with others online where he tried to get another man to help him kidnap a child. When the police raided his home, they found a torture room in which there was a child sized casket – all of which he had build by himself. So as I read this story, I asked myself: What causes a person to get to this point? How can anyone possibly justify to themselves torturing, raping and eating a small child? How can anyone place a child in a tiny casket and bask in pleasure over hearing their cries for help?

So as I placed myself in the shoes of this guy, meaning I imagined that I am him and asked myself these questions, the answer was: It is ultimate freedom. Doing the most deprived, unthinkable, unacceptable actions is perceived as ultimate freedom. It is a spite of god, of everything. It is saying: “I can do whatever I want and nothing can stop me.” It is perceived as an ultimate thrill to take life to its utmost limit and cross that limit. And it is a consequence of pushing one’s own boundaries to the point where one sees no way back and then might as well continue because it doesn’t matter. Some of the people who commits such acts, probably also think that “I’m going to hell anyway, there’s nothing I can do about that, so I might as well take it to the utmost extreme.” And what is fascinating is that if you look at the photos of these people, they look absolutely dead in their eyes – all life has gone out of them. The really scary thing is that, although some of these people are clinically conditioned, there are more and more of such cases emerging where its seemingly ‘normal people’ who end up committing these acts. It is interesting that people who prey on children are called 'predators'. Because a predator is an animal that is biologically predisposed to eating meat. As such this term is actually an inadvertent justifications for such people, because apparently their urges are instinctual.

What this means is that we are collectively as a society responsible for creating such ‘monsters’ through our condoning of porn, because it is through watching porn – and through having access to hardcore porn, that these boundaries are being crossed. And this is now being seen even with children committing sexual crimes against each other because they’re emulating what they see in porn movies. And there is an idea of power and control within that – a power and control that most of us feel we don’t have over our own lives. And so to compensate we imagine ourselves having ultimate power and control over another’s life and that gives us a momentary thrill and exaltation.

Now – what I’d like to share here is that there is a solution. While I am not sure how the man I described in the example above could change, I know for a fact that it is possible for those of us who hasn't yet crossed that porn. One doesn’t have to be in a relationship or an agreement to change one’s sexuality. Obviously it requires a commitment to change it, because like I said, the mental sexuality that we’ve conditioned ourselves into doesn’t simply go away because we decide to stop. What is required is actual real and unconditional self-forgiveness, where we also in self-honesty investigate and expose to ourselves ‘who’ we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Condemning and judging ourselves (or those trapped in the vicious cycle) doesn’t do anyone any good. Because all it does is it causes the person to suppress themselves which makes it even more difficult to be self-honest and actually face oneself. But with self-forgiveness, self-introspection and corrective application we can change what our sexuality has become. It obviously takes a process, because we’ve been brainwashing ourselves to think and feel a certain way for a very long time, often even splitting ourselves into a ‘secret’ and a ‘public’ personality. There is support available through the Desteni I Process, The DIP Lite course, the Desteni forum and most specifically I recommend listening to the interviews on Eqafe about sex, porn and masturbation. Because these take what I’ve mentioned here into extensive detail, explaining the exact processes that is involved with developing such addictions.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.



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paolo
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby paolo » 25 Sep 2013, 16:54

Thank you, Anna. I have read throughout this
thread point by point, several times. I have
written personal journals with pen and paper
throughout my life, mostly when going through
difficulties with relationships, addictions,
major decisions, or travels and adventures.
Never had I written to myself, even privately,
about my use of porn, as if it had nothing to do
with my problems. Assuming Responsibility for
myself, for others, and for my own actions and
mistakes is a concept I knew from childhood.
Self forgiveness however, is Not something I
grant myself too quickly anymore, without
knowing for sure that I had really changed my
attitudes, and habits of thought or action
which I am confronting.

Since signing on to this forum a few weeks ago,
I have stopped viewing and interacting with porn.
Even the urge to use porn has vanished and I
intend to maintain this status for my lifetime.
You remind often that the memories of the imagery
remain, the mental conditioning, the deranged
and confused ideas about sexuality, all still remains
to be aware of, confronted, and changed.

I just emerged from a four day period of intense
Apathy, which rendered me motionless for the
past two days. This emotional reaction was
triggered by reading a 224 page testimonial
document entitled "Trance Formation of America"
It is available in book form, on wiki as a footnote
on the article entry "Cathy O'Brien", or streaming
version at archive.org... Approach this topic with
caution, and have support from someone on
Desteni or in person, you will need it. Even if one
considers this document fictional or delusional, it
will help solidify your decision to stop using porn.

There are other similar testimonies, of those who
had, or currently still are, participating in the porn,
prostitution, and sex slave industry. Most are interviews
available streaming on utube, including the person
mentioned above. You will see various perspectives.



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Anna
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 25 Sep 2013, 17:27

Hi Paolo.

Very cool that you're sharing yourself here. Most people who have been addicted to porn seldom talks about it, because the response people most often meet is either brutal judgment or laughter - meaning that people either persecute you as a 'depraved' person or find you silly for seeing that porn has become a problem in your life. Neither of these responses are commonsensical and they certainly do not assist the person to stop their addiction to porn.

Writing about one's addiction is very cool, because within that you get to see in self-honesty - as you develop self-honest writing - how exactly you created the addiction, what patterns are involved and even how these fit into a larger societal context.
Self forgiveness however, is Not something I
grant myself too quickly anymore, without
knowing for sure that I had really changed my
attitudes, and habits of thought or action
which I am confronting.
Consider how, if we were only to forgive ourselves AFTER we had perfected and changed ourselves, we wouldn't get to a point of actual change. Because what we do with actual real Self-Forgiveness, is to release the mental addiction through taking self-responsibility within seeing and understanding in detail and specificity how we've created the addiction in the first place. It is from there that actual change becomes possible -- because how can we change if we don't even know or understand ourselves? How can we change if we aren't absolutely self-honest? As I read it, the 'self-forgiveness' you're talking about is more a point of deciding not to feel bad or giving oneself permission to do something that one knows isn't best for oneself or others. With this I definitely agree - that it is useless without practical application of change. We too often mistake suppression for letting go and stopping, which can be seen in how a pattern then re-emerge weeks or months later, often with greater intensity.

Thanks for sharing!



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Anna
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 28 Sep 2013, 17:04

Key Principles of Stopping Porn Addiction: DAY 21
http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpre ... on-day-21/

I want to share with you how I stopped my addiction. Now this addiction wasn’t to porn, but it really doesn’t matter, because as you will see, what I will be describing could just as well have been an addiction to porn. Because the principles that I will share with you are also key principles in stopping porn addiction. Now I want you to know that I had my addiction for over 15 years. It was a daily addiction and it was ruining my life. It was all I could think about. I tried stopping ‘cold turkey’ a billion times, only causing me to relapse even worse. I felt like a social pariah in society. I had trouble connecting with other people, with going to work, with having a relationship because the addiction had a total and complete hold on me. So I could see that I had to do something completely different if I were to stop my addiction.

So – the first thing I did was that I decided to stop feeling guilty, to stop feeling bad about my addiction. I had to accept that it was what it was. I realized that I had to stop trying to fight it because it never worked. No matter what I tried, the addiction had a hold on me. So I decided to stop feeling bad about it. I knew now that I was going to stop, but I deliberately did not set a date to not create further pressure on myself, again because I had already tried that before and it didn’t work. You know, I had so many times set a date a week or a month into the future, but eventually I realized how I was just postponing the point of stopping and I felt so pressured to stop that I just kept moving the date forward. So this time I simply decided that I was going to stop without setting a date.

Then what I did was that I gave myself permission to continue with the addiction. And then I began a journal documenting my addiction. Now so if you’re a porn addict that would mean to, every time you watch porn or masturbate to fantasies, to note it down. So you get a small note book and note down how you experience yourself and what thoughts come up before, during and after you’ve watched porn or masturbated to fantasies. You also note down the date and time. I continued with this for around six weeks. And my addiction was something I did several times a day, so you can imagine how many notes I wrote in those six weeks. This method was something that had been suggested to me by an addiction counselor and initially I felt very annoyed by it. I didn’t want to do it. But I did it anyway, every day noting down how the pattern of my addiction unfolded. After a while my relationship to the addiction started changing. Because first of all, I had stopped all the guilt tripping and that meant that a lot of emotions and feelings that I was otherwise pouring into my addiction was gone, which meant that I could see things more clearly. And then, without realizing what the purpose was, the journal assisted me to see exactly how my addiction functioned and operated – I could for example see that there were specific trigger points, specific thoughts that always came before, during and after. I could also see how I was most excited before and then felt more and more shitty. As such I started writing down for myself all the excuses and justifications I could see that I had used for my addiction. Because I wanted to be sure that I left no backdoors open when I stopped, no dead-angles. And as I did, I got to know my addiction and myself better and better. I also started understanding why I had created the addiction in the first place, why it was I believed that I needed this ‘drug’ to sustain a normal life, when I was barely doing a good job at that.

The last thing I did, and if I were again to use a porn addiction reference, it would be the same as you ‘over-dosing’ on porn. Now – this obviously won’t work for all addictions because it can be life threatening and I also didn’t do it as deliberately as I’m writing out here – so do proceed with caution on your own recognizance if you so choose. But it would basically be the equivalent of a porn addict watching 3, 4, 5 porn movies a day, really amping it up, maybe even masturbating 10 times if you’re a serious addict. Something else I did was also I went to places where people with my addiction would be, people with an even worse addiction than mine. I did this because I had given myself permission to not stop my addiction while I was in the process of stopping. So from the addictions perspective this was ‘all men on deck’. And what actually happened was that I in the end felt sick and tired of my addiction. There was no longer that tension that had existed because of my conflicted relationship towards my addiction, where I felt like I was being naughty and where I had created a split inside myself. No, now the addiction was brought into the daylight, at least to myself and it made it much less appealing. Also seeing people who had been addicts longer than me and how bad they were caught in the addiction also assisted me to make the decision to finally stop.

So one day - I simply stopped. And it was really as simple as that. Because I had prepared myself very well in absolute detail and specificity, I understood the addiction; I knew all my excuses and justifications. I no longer had a fight within me over feeling guilt and desire. There was nowhere left to run because I had removed all the possible backdoors for myself. And so now there was only one way to go and that was through the exit out of my addiction. I actually never looked back. I fell and had a couple of relapses over the next six months, but these times it was completely different. It was like all the magic of my ‘drug of choice’ had disappeared and all I felt was the real physical consequences.

What I see that I did, because this whole process certainly wasn’t planned in every detail, was that I got to know myself. I became an expert on my own addiction and thus on myself within it. I left nothing hidden from myself in the dark. And most importantly, I removed the need to keep it secret; the need to split myself into a ‘day’ and ‘night time’ personality, so that I could really look myself in self-honesty and investigate my addiction while it was still in action.

Now – I’m not saying that exactly what I’ve done will work for you or that it won’t. But can be the harm in trying it? What have we got to lose as addicts? Nothing but our addiction?

If you do decide to try this out or modify it in a way that works for you or if you have some other tips for stopping Porn Addiction, let us know!

For those interested in using the method I've described here, I suggest checking out the DIP Lite course. It's a FREE online course where you'll learn how to use writing to for example free yourself from an addiction as well as getting to know the ins and outs of your own mind, so that you will be able to direct yourself clearly without hidden agendas and self-dishonesty. It's a DIY course but you'll be supported by a buddy. So it's completely annonymous as only your buddy will see your writings.

There is also support available through the Desteni I Process, the Desteni forum and most specifically I recommend listening to the interviews on Eqafe about sex, porn and masturbation. Because these take what I’ve mentioned here into extensive detail, explaining the exact processes that is involved with developing such addictions. Check out the weekly schedule Google hangouts on Porn here here.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.



User avatar
Anna
Posts: 3724
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:17
Location: Uppsala, Sweden
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Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby Anna » 12 Oct 2013, 10:05

Pornography - Where to start when I want to stop? DAY 22
http://pornaddictsjourneytolife.wordpre ... op-day-22/

So how can one go about stopping oneself from participating within pornography? Obviously first and foremost there has to be a self-directed decision made to stop. However, by just making this decision, doesn't mean that one will not participate within it any longer. You have to live this decision in every moment when you are faced with the urge to participate. So step one is making the decision, and step two is living it. What is meant by 'living it'? What is one living?

It's cool to say 'I will not allow myself to participate any further', but it is crucial to understand that in order for you to take back your power as directive principle with regards to pornography, you have to actually face what you have accepted and allowed and move yourself to clearing out all of the misunderstandings and separations you have allowed to exist within you in terms of your relationship with sex, porn and masturbation. Start by investigating the points for yourself through writing out your relationship with sex, porn and masturbation. Through this you can take each point on its own and bring it back to yourself in order to correct it. You will never be able to change a pattern if you have not realized and seen what it is that the pattern manifests as consequence as well as how it is that you allowed yourself to participate within it in the first place.

We have separated ourselves so much from the true expression of sexuality through allowing pictures and fantasies to direct our expression instead of being one and equal with our bodies HERE in the physical. We have these warped ideas about what the physical enjoys and this we have adopted through the porn culture which has basically infiltrated and directed multiple beings lives'.

Understand that you have trained your physical body through masturbating to pornography into a false sense of sexuality. Which means, that which you have experienced with masturbation and your idea of sexuality and what is really involved, is false.

So start with investigating all of these falsities one by one for yourself as they exist within you, and from this, after you have seen how the falsity exists inside you, you can then direct yourself to not allow it again but to instead investigate and apply what is real and physical. Practice moving from interacting with your mind to interacting with the physical when you sexually express yourself, whether it be with your partner, or when you are by yourself masturbating.

Look at the physical separation in this scenario. When you masturbate to your imaginations in your mind, and you focus on a person and pretend or make-believe or imagine that you are having some form of sexual experience with this person…. Where are you within all of this? You are not here in your physical body exploring yourself in the physical touch or physical sensations which occur when you touch yourself…. You are out theeeerrreee in this little picture in your head.

Porn Addicts Journey to Life is written by a Group of people who have all walked through Addiction to Porn, Sex and Masturbation through the tools shared by Desteni. We share our perspectives and experiences with Porn to Support those who are ready to take the next step to Stop the Addiction to Porn.

Who we are doesn’t matter because we’re the same as you. We write anonymously because of where the world is at today in relation to porn and because of the understanding and the persecution that follow porn addicts. We write anonymously so that we can share the unfiltered truth about life as a porn addict, so that it may assist and support those who are still trapped in the addiction to porn.



User avatar
paolo
Posts: 22
Joined: 25 Aug 2013, 04:40

Re: Porn Addicts Journey to Life

Postby paolo » 01 Dec 2013, 00:24

Hi Anna,

I relapsed a few weeks ago. I have not yet identified
a trigger. Just today i recalled the continuing discussion
and support available here, which helped me initially to
confront and stop my porn addiction a couple months
ago. I did not at all resist this relapse, in fact i barely
noticed it happening, and really did not
consider it to be an issue at all. It once again was so
automatic, and time consuming, to click on porn, scene
after scene after scene, even after no longer stimulated
enough to masturbate. My emotional tone has dropped.
I take this first step once again to stop viewing porn.
The amount, variety and availability of porn online is incredible
and i expected more participation by now from others
seeking help on this site. Perhaps most others viewing
porn do not consider it a problem? What matters here and
now is that i help myself through this, and perhaps
support others who share this struggle to quit porn.




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