Cigarette addiction

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Matthew Stone
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Cigarette addiction

Postby Matthew Stone » 03 Apr 2016, 22:16

I'm having trouble making a decision on where I stand in relationship to smoking cigarettes, the only physical reference point I have that really stands out is a pain in my teeth I've associated with smoking cigarettes.

The teeth reference point, has not been enough for me, and neither has been speaking about or discussing the concern with others.

So, I will look at my history, and forgive myself within self honesty towards creating up to where I am, where I'm concerned, but not coming to any conclusions, decesions, nor realizations.

First cigarette I was 14, with my friend, and I thought it'd be a good idea to try a cigarette with my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mimic what my friend was doing within smoking because I thought my friend was a cool sucsesfull guy, and I wanted to be liked for being like him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke a cigarette for the first time out of wanting to be accepted by someone I admired.

So then, I felt great, the cigarette was not something that made me hallucinate or have bad thoughts like marijuana did for me, it was just a grounding experience, and a very good full body flush of feeling/buzzed sensation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to this fulfilling experience that occurred when I would smoke a cigarette.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke to have this experience where I then felt incomplete without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes, because I was not satisfied with who I was as how I experienced myself without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on a crutch as smoking to make myself fill fulfilled, without first having asked why I did not experience myself here in each breathe the way I might have liked to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my problem of not experienceing myself here in each breathe fulfilled worse by relying on cigarettes to make me feel content and fulfilled, without actually facing why I am not fulfilled in the first place.

So, for me I don't feel such a urgent need to get that buzz high from cigarettes, and I can't really remember the last time in my life I got a constant buzz high off of cigarettes, now it is more of just an action I take.

So my addiction is to the action of smoking, as the action of not facing myself as feeling not fulfilled and content with who I am within my body and my experience of myself.

I don't really rarely ever get much of a buzz of smoking, but it is a fulfilling action for me, it's a fulfilling experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on smoking cigarettes because I am not fulfilled within each moment as each breathe here with myself, and find gratification in smoking cigarettes to full fill me.

So it's not like everything is ok, because on the surface there does not seem to be much purpose to smoking, because in self honesty I see I've simply hidden away from my real deliberate decesion to hide from myself in the stillness and fulfilling action of smoking a cigarette.

So, I realize something here for myself within self forgiveness. How can I continue to move forward from here?

Why am I not fulfilled within my own body and experience.

I can always remember a kind of discontent within myself one way or another.

I remember one of the only times I really felt 'ok', totally in as many ways as I can recall was while watching TV, playing games, or being on the internet.

So, those things too have been my addiction to not facing my discontent and requiring an external stimuli, not to bring me back to myself, but to bring me to a certain state of mind.

So perhaps it's nothing wrong with being here and with my body, in each breathe, it's that I do not know myself here, I only know my experience of myself within my mind, as a state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know myself here as each breathe for real, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only know myself here as an experience as a state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable with being here as myself without mental stimuli as smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone here by myself without the stimuli of nicotine/cigarettes.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize cigarettes cannot help me be here with myself, if I am not the one directing myself to be here with myself complete and content as who I am.

I'm a very situational smoker. I don't generally experience a need to step out just to smoke if I am in my room writting or on the internet or already doing something.

I feel a need to smoke when I go out, am with a friend, am at work.

The times when I have something occurring within me in relationship directly to something external and am not comfortable within myself within those moments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable within myself when facing myself at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel comfortable within facing myself with friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable with facing myself when I'm outside.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, when and as I see myself wanting a cigarette because I am not comfortable with myself as not feeling fulfilled within myself, as I decide to not smoke based on the feeling of unfulfilled, as I realize fulfillment here is not a state of mind derived from a cigarette, it is me creating myself within the moment, and how I'd like to create myself is here doing what's best for all of life, to the best of my abilities, without subverting myself as life here in favor of a mental rush, as a fulfilled state of mind.

Key word fulfillment. What does it mean to me in how I live it now? How will I change it moving forward? What will my relationship to tobacco/nicotine be? Will I be able to smoke without fueling my addiction to not facing myself. Will cigarettes/nicotine be a tool I can utilize for self support and not addiction? I must find out for myself.

I commit myself to discover if cigarettes/nicotine can be a self supportive tool, and I commit myself to stop my addiction to utilizing stimuli to be distracted and not face myself here as the discomfort and discontent unfulfilled experience of myself I have created.

Note: I am not here commiting myself to quit smoking cigarettes, but to stop my relationship to cigarettes, which does not reflect my best intrest as life, as being here without participating in addiction. So, smoking cigarettes is an action, not addiction, the addiction is in my mind as not facing myself here as being fulfilled in each moment without external stimuli. So, I'm not quitting out of blaming cigarettes for my problems, and I must continue to do more research and investigate more within myself, so I can come to the best conclusion for myself in how to move forward in my relationship to tobacco.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Matthew Stone » 17 Jul 2016, 07:35

I've been having a new physicsl reference point in realitionship to smoking.

It's like a numbness in my mouth, like my mouth is dry.

Also a feeling in my stomach of unsettled like I need a cigarette to settle my stomach.

I'm not sure about the numbes in my mouth, but just now in opening up the feeling like I can't go on like this without a cigarette 'I need one badly'.

Here In addressing the point in writing I see, in the moment of this feeling of needing a cigarette it's like an energetic addiction, I need the feeling that I get when I smoke, I need to stop the feeling I'm getting by trying to quit smoking.

I see I judge the feeling of addiction to or crutch to smoking as bad, and myself as bad for not being able to direct myself to stand in realitionship to the addiction desire feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the feeling of being incomplete without smoking as being bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of desire to smoke and have the feeling of smoking a cigarette as being a bad thing, making me a bad person for creating this desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something bad will happen to my body if I keep smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless to my fear of something bad happening to my body, as I realize based on what I know people can go there whole life smoking without getting cancer or anything 'bad' happening to them, so I'm just getting worked up in a moment and not looking practically at my body at my relationship to smoking in self forgiveness and Self honesty.

It just becomes this is bad, and something needs to be done this very moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear work me up into a position of all or nothing, where something needs to be done this very instant.

My experience with other drugs has been more obvious, every single drug I've ever done has been something I was just able to realize I don't want this in my life, this does not support me, this is creating instability in my life.

So the word is stability.

The question is, does the stability I get in sitting down to smoke real? Or is it just an experience, the stability in being able to give into my crutch at any time and then experienceing relief.

What ways it a crutch?

The way I'm realizing smoking cigarettes is most a crutch for me, is that I very often find myself writing more self forgiveness doing more investigation and writing when I go outside to have a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to influence myself to write more self forgiveness by incentiveing myself with the reward of a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing self forgiveness as not entertaining enough without extra stimulation as smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness as the self satisfaction of writing self forgiveness and having a cigarette, instead of as me writing on principle regardless of I'm entertained, regardless of the satisfaction accompanied with simultaneously smoking while writing self forgiveness.

That opens up a point of, in the same way I can be more efficient in turning off any music or anything else I'm participating in and giving myself wholly up to myself in being alone with my writing, does the same apply with smoking? Does it distract me?

It makes me fear having another layer of smoking being bad and a crutch, where I fear what if I can't even smoke while writing because what if it prevents me from being totally here in my writing.

I'd rather knowing participate in something that does not support me as life and be able to directly and self honestly see the consequences then go on fearing if this is right or wrong.

Because when I ask myself right now, does this support me? I'd say yes, so that's all I have to go off, I need to just keep opening the point up, the fear and loathing is killing me more than the cigarette ever could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that smoking while I'm writing self forgiveness has become a crutch for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I'm doing is wrong instead of looking In self honesty, there's no rush on reason to give into and create this right or wrong good or bad paradox.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions to being good or bad, as I realize I don't know what's ultimately good or bad or what's to come, and I haven't defined those things within me, so for now writing self forgiveness and simultaneously having a cigarette is how I operate some times, sometimes it isn't, until I sit down and adress it it is what it is, which is nothing, just an action just something I'm doing, everything else is in my head.

When and as I see myself fearing that smoking cigarettes while writing self forgiveness is a crutch or a misalignment, I stop, I breathe, I realize what do I really know about what is or isn't outside of my own head, until I sit down and adress the matter for real in self honesty, thusly, I commit myself to not get worked up in my head about if smoking cigarettes while writing self forgiveness is ultimately good or bad, but instead I become aware of my body of my mind as to not go into and become possessed with fear or right or wrong, but instead discover the truth which is here for me in each breathe not in my head.

Another thing, in relationship to the point in my stomach I fear smoking cigarettes is slowing my bodies processing down too much, and is making me constipated in my bowls, and just generally making me groggy and not functioning very well.

So I have to ask myself, as I look into this point, how have I made this correlation? Could it not be based on something else?

I have other things going on in my life right now that could be contributing, changes in my diet, exercise, and some of the points I've been working with in writing as well as other things could all be contributing factors.

Why do I take my anger at towards my body out on cigarettes?

Why am I angry at my body for what it's showing me?

And why am I blaming cigarettes?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to what is here for me so I can see the truth as what is here and not the truth in my mind racing from one point to another constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look to my body to look to the avenues of information I have available to make a realistic decision and understanding of my relationship to cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into my mind in search for answers instead of just being present and paying attention living and moving myself as paying attention here not in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I have all the answers in my mind when all I'm living is separation from myself here in my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a personality as my mind and not as words, as principle, as what is best for life, as what supports life.

So hidden behind the question of what's right or wrong is that the answer to that only comes from my mind and not from what is here, I'm not communicating with my body with my mind even, I'm not listening and that's why I get lost waiting for the answers in my mind which doesn't exist in living.

When and as I see myself going into my mind for the answers to my relationship to smoking cigarettes and how to proceed, I stop, I breathe, I realize the answers for anything has never been in my mind, it's been in me moving myself, the words I live, how I express myself, how I explore my world, thusly, I commit myself to look to the physical, look to my mind, look and listen in relationship to smoking cigarettes as I stop trying to figure out the answer in my head, but listen and pay attention to what is here, not the fear and right and wrong which I create to circumvent any real understanding of myself and what's occuring within me.

When I say look to my mind, I don't mean create fear and perception of what my mind is showing me, I mean look at my mind for what it's showing me, I'm getting possessed with fear and judgement, my mind can't tell me if smoking is right or wrong I can't look it it in that sense, but I can see how my relationship to smoking in my mind is all or nothing right or wrong good or bad, then look to my body what does my body have to say?

I can start living the words listening, instead of trying to figure everything out in my head where I'm not giving myself the full picture.



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barbara
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby barbara » 17 Jul 2016, 23:37

Cool sharing, Matt!



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Luc St-Amand » 19 Jul 2016, 12:38

Allen carr - the easy way to quit smoking. With the assistance of this book I was able to kick my nicotine addiction. I highly recommend giveing it a read.



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Gian
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Gian » 19 Jul 2016, 19:45

Hey Matthew

Cigarettes are a though one. I had my first smoke when I was 7, but only a few drgs, hated it till I was 9, had another smoke, hated it, but all in secret. then when I was 16 - I started smoking, it was first done in secret, but then not so long after I started smoking openly with my Parents, both my parents are smokers.

My relationship towards smoking was all about reward systems, like I deserve a smoke now, to have some time out now, I worked hard so let me take a few minutes and go relax with this smoke, which people that didn't smoke didn't do or get to do.

I initially started Identifying myself as a smoker when I did it due to seeing a "girl" I liked was smoking, so I was thinking, for her to like me she must be comfortable around me, so I must now really be a smoker, so I made smoking me for that reason. then as the reason faded, I was simply a smoker now, so then new dimensions opened up - besides all the points of - I am rebelling, I am a bad-boy, I am doing something wrong, something against the system and so on.

The dimensions that opened up now was what I was doing and experiencing within myself during those times of "rebelling" and thus the smoking became a point of suppressing the fears and anxieties and to "ground" me so to say. so now after I didn't smoke for fitting in with girls, or rebelling I was left with just me and smoking and ALL the energies that I have attached to it. But this is also where smoking then became cool for me, since I started walking my process, as each smoke I took within the specific moments, within the specific scenarios, environments, had a specific signature/meaning behind it, so I could use my smoking as a way to SEE, shit, I am picking up a cigarette now in this moment and this is what I am about to suppress, or deny, or participate withing, so smoking within my process become like walking into the past with each smoke and clearing the past with each smoke, each layer real time.

I had to firstly let go of the IDEA/Believe I have about smoking of it is unhealthy as my starting point for wanting to quit, because that starting point is based in polarity and on energy. so no win there. Till I have worked on all my layers in breathe with each smoke, walking my process, I was able t come to a physical stability, where I could actually decide to quit or not without ANY internal points deciding for me, the addiction the body has created from the nicotine was obviously still something I had to breath through - but the body adapt very quickly - especially if the Decision to stop is 100% clean and there is NO bias, meaning no back door within self.

Because smoking isn't bad or good, that's a judgement of the mind, what is bad is inhaling smoke and pulling it into your lungs, because our lungs are a closed up compartment, so unless you can smoke without inhaling, then best to stop lol. and another reason to stop is if one is compromising on living conditions and practicality to afford smoking, the economical point. I know people that are 70/90 years old and they still smoke since they were 15, then I used to know very healthy living people that died of Cancer at a younger age, so what is healthy, sometimes it is the beliefs that kill us, the fears we attach to everything, well probably most of the times.

So the points to consider and how to look at the smoking point is, can you smoke without inhaling, is it worth it for you? if not then rather stop smoking, if you have any belief about smoking being bad for you and are unable to stop that idea/belief/thought that comes up when you light a smoke, then best to stop. and then the economical point. from my perspective.

I have stopped smoking, I have done before that many 21 days of no smoking. I have tested myself on this point and passed it several times. I find the best support and to actually work with it, when I find myself wanting to stop but can not, then ALL my points are revealed and fresh o be worked on, and to go into judgement about smoking we lose that opportunity to see the points that open up.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Matthew Stone » 20 Jul 2016, 00:58

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the resistance of not smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself in facing the resistance to quitting within my body, as feeling physically deprived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm strong enough to quit if that's what's going to be best for me.

My mom says I have to quit or I will be charged extra in rent so I don't have to think too much into it at all about inhaling smokes health effect, I just have to quit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be strong and affirmative in quitting when something comes up within me that's overwhelming and I just want the release from my problems in smoking.

I forgive myseld that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress my problems in smoking as I realize I don't want to supress my problems, it's better to feel the full force and magnitude of my problems which supports me in directly facing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my desire to either quit or not quit influence me.

When I want to quit I try to quit, but then when i desire a smoke i just buy more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not make a decision of what I'm going to do and commit to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create so much mental conflict in relationship to smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as strong enough to quit because the experience of smoking is too rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as complete when I'm smoking a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live and express myself here as complete without needing an experience of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being rewarded in the good feeling in my body when I smoke.

Why is it a good feeling?

Because I feel centered, unmoved, like a moment away from my anxieties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for suppressing my anxieties instead of facing them head on.

So now when anxiety comes up within me it's even worse because I've separated myself even further from standing equal to my anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem cigarettes good for me because it gives me temporary escape from anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reward myself with a momentary escape from anxiety in smoking a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find within myself the strength to face my anxieties head on without directly suppressing with cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my anxiety worse by pushing it further away by smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reward supression by smoking cigarettes as saying to myself it's good to admit that anxiety is impossible to overcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it's impossible to stop my anxieties and to stand equal here with anxiety and direct myself to anxiety.

When and as I see myself rewarding myself with a cigarette for not facing my anxiety, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm making my anxieties worse in smoking, thusly, I commit myself to face my anxieties here in each breathe as I give myself the strength which I'm suppressing in not facing my anxieties and instead rewarding my supression with good feelings in smoking.

Now I'm going to quit smoking cold turkey, and then will have to return here to right more about it whither I relapse or not I'll have to come back here to keep writing about it either way.



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Gian
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Gian » 20 Jul 2016, 14:25

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping smoking.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I can already within myself place the corrections of what I will do and live when and as the urge to wanting to smoke comes up, where I KNOW myself and thus I can already predict my points of giving in and smoking and thus I can prevent those moments as a self support as a correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be without smoking, where I see and realize that I have identified myself as a smoker, as needing smokes to be who I am, and thus fearing the unknown of what I will do with myself in my free time where I now can redefine myself in those moments as expression of breath.



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Matthew Stone
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Matthew Stone » 23 Jul 2016, 07:55

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced of how nice a cigarette would be at certain times in my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflate the moment of having a cigarette within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make having a cigarette some very appealing within my mind to influence me to fulfill my desire to have a smoke and continue being a 'smoker'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the 'smoker' as a very powerful figure in culture and media and through other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking something outside of myself as a stick of tobacco.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define who I want to be in each moment as each breathe uninterrupted by inhaling smoke and all the chemicals inside of a cigarette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being able to be powerful without smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness that my source of power will be gone if I continue to commit to quitting smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can stand as one and equal to the power I realized within myself while smoking in each breathe, where then the action of smoking would be irrelevant outside of my mind and energy and a quick fix to self actualization.

One thing is that I made a habit out of writing while smoking a cigarette, so cigarettes then became intertwined with self actualization in self forgiveness and commitment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will be on the other side of the hill once I've given myself a sufficient amount of time of days having gone without smoking.

One thing that I overlook because of how much of a troupe it has become is the idea of cigarettes being cool and how in the media cigarettes went from being cool in commercials in selling them, and then not cool in health organization commercial slamming cigarettes, and then cool again for being anti establishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the coolest thing in the whole world, of the moment of solace and peace in having a cigarette and just taking everything in a moment to slow down and process things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can be cool and express the word cool in my living within myself as one and equal to the physical in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incomplete without being cool.

Cigarettes are one of the hardest things to write out for me, so I will have to keep pecking at it until I can get to a point where I can actually get specific and self honest and to the heart of the matter and the personalities and realize how I'm actually going to correct my living when desires and thoughts of smoking comes up, and to further cement my commitment to quit as clearing out all the backdoor I currently have installed witch could very quickly get out of hand if I don't stay up on the matter in writing.

When and as I see myself perceiving having a cigarette as an end all perfect moment and experience worth having despite my commitment to quit, I stop, I breathe, I realize that how big I've built up the moment of having a cigarette shows me how little and incomplete I am in each moment where I need a big grand gesture and event of smoking to cement me within myself, thusly, I commit myself to cement myself in each moment when the desire to have a smoke or thought to have a smoke arises by cementing myself as the physical as breathing in whatever way supports me to be here in motion not being pulled by my mind of energy and desire to have a great time smoking, as I realize I can have an equally great time just existing while not smoking but then don't require to pull all the smoke into my body and the chemicals and all the money and the illusion of being special with my special stick of smoke.



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viktor
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby viktor » 14 Aug 2016, 07:42

Have you looked at what words smoking represents to you? Like what kind of self-experience that you have when you are smoking?

As part of your process of correction you can practice living this words practically – and hence not have the words be dependent on you smoking – but rather that you learn to live these words through a decision that you make in the moment. This technique have assisted and support me a lot with a variety of different points.



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Luc St-Amand
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Re: Cigarette addiction

Postby Luc St-Amand » 14 Aug 2016, 15:12

Cigarettes are a double whammy, cause first of all the nicotine they contain is the fastest acting drug known to man. Which isn't the worst part of it - the worst part is the brainwashing. Like you mentioned in your previous posts, society's influence plays a major role in the growth of this monster in our heads that keeps us puffing away endlessly. Like when someone is diagnosed with a terminal disease the brainwashing is lifted right away and the understanding of just how easy it was to say no remains. Keep asking the questions and finding your answers cause you clearly on the right path with inevitably the right destination.

Also consider this. "Smoking doesn't fill a void it creates it - just like heroin" -Alan carr.




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