I've been having a new physicsl reference point in realitionship to smoking.
It's like a numbness in my mouth, like my mouth is dry.
Also a feeling in my stomach of unsettled like I need a cigarette to settle my stomach.
I'm not sure about the numbes in my mouth, but just now in opening up the feeling like I can't go on like this without a cigarette 'I need one badly'.
Here In addressing the point in writing I see, in the moment of this feeling of needing a cigarette it's like an energetic addiction, I need the feeling that I get when I smoke, I need to stop the feeling I'm getting by trying to quit smoking.
I see I judge the feeling of addiction to or crutch to smoking as bad, and myself as bad for not being able to direct myself to stand in realitionship to the addiction desire feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the feeling of being incomplete without smoking as being bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of desire to smoke and have the feeling of smoking a cigarette as being a bad thing, making me a bad person for creating this desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something bad will happen to my body if I keep smoking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be powerless to my fear of something bad happening to my body, as I realize based on what I know people can go there whole life smoking without getting cancer or anything 'bad' happening to them, so I'm just getting worked up in a moment and not looking practically at my body at my relationship to smoking in self forgiveness and Self honesty.
It just becomes this is bad, and something needs to be done this very moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear work me up into a position of all or nothing, where something needs to be done this very instant.
My experience with other drugs has been more obvious, every single drug I've ever done has been something I was just able to realize I don't want this in my life, this does not support me, this is creating instability in my life.
So the word is stability.
The question is, does the stability I get in sitting down to smoke real? Or is it just an experience, the stability in being able to give into my crutch at any time and then experienceing relief.
What ways it a crutch?
The way I'm realizing smoking cigarettes is most a crutch for me, is that I very often find myself writing more self forgiveness doing more investigation and writing when I go outside to have a cigarette.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to influence myself to write more self forgiveness by incentiveing myself with the reward of a cigarette.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing self forgiveness as not entertaining enough without extra stimulation as smoking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness as the self satisfaction of writing self forgiveness and having a cigarette, instead of as me writing on principle regardless of I'm entertained, regardless of the satisfaction accompanied with simultaneously smoking while writing self forgiveness.
That opens up a point of, in the same way I can be more efficient in turning off any music or anything else I'm participating in and giving myself wholly up to myself in being alone with my writing, does the same apply with smoking? Does it distract me?
It makes me fear having another layer of smoking being bad and a crutch, where I fear what if I can't even smoke while writing because what if it prevents me from being totally here in my writing.
I'd rather knowing participate in something that does not support me as life and be able to directly and self honestly see the consequences then go on fearing if this is right or wrong.
Because when I ask myself right now, does this support me? I'd say yes, so that's all I have to go off, I need to just keep opening the point up, the fear and loathing is killing me more than the cigarette ever could.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that smoking while I'm writing self forgiveness has become a crutch for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I'm doing is wrong instead of looking In self honesty, there's no rush on reason to give into and create this right or wrong good or bad paradox.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions to being good or bad, as I realize I don't know what's ultimately good or bad or what's to come, and I haven't defined those things within me, so for now writing self forgiveness and simultaneously having a cigarette is how I operate some times, sometimes it isn't, until I sit down and adress it it is what it is, which is nothing, just an action just something I'm doing, everything else is in my head.
When and as I see myself fearing that smoking cigarettes while writing self forgiveness is a crutch or a misalignment, I stop, I breathe, I realize what do I really know about what is or isn't outside of my own head, until I sit down and adress the matter for real in self honesty, thusly, I commit myself to not get worked up in my head about if smoking cigarettes while writing self forgiveness is ultimately good or bad, but instead I become aware of my body of my mind as to not go into and become possessed with fear or right or wrong, but instead discover the truth which is here for me in each breathe not in my head.
Another thing, in relationship to the point in my stomach I fear smoking cigarettes is slowing my bodies processing down too much, and is making me constipated in my bowls, and just generally making me groggy and not functioning very well.
So I have to ask myself, as I look into this point, how have I made this correlation? Could it not be based on something else?
I have other things going on in my life right now that could be contributing, changes in my diet, exercise, and some of the points I've been working with in writing as well as other things could all be contributing factors.
Why do I take my anger at towards my body out on cigarettes?
Why am I angry at my body for what it's showing me?
And why am I blaming cigarettes?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to what is here for me so I can see the truth as what is here and not the truth in my mind racing from one point to another constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look to my body to look to the avenues of information I have available to make a realistic decision and understanding of my relationship to cigarettes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into my mind in search for answers instead of just being present and paying attention living and moving myself as paying attention here not in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I have all the answers in my mind when all I'm living is separation from myself here in my living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a personality as my mind and not as words, as principle, as what is best for life, as what supports life.
So hidden behind the question of what's right or wrong is that the answer to that only comes from my mind and not from what is here, I'm not communicating with my body with my mind even, I'm not listening and that's why I get lost waiting for the answers in my mind which doesn't exist in living.
When and as I see myself going into my mind for the answers to my relationship to smoking cigarettes and how to proceed, I stop, I breathe, I realize the answers for anything has never been in my mind, it's been in me moving myself, the words I live, how I express myself, how I explore my world, thusly, I commit myself to look to the physical, look to my mind, look and listen in relationship to smoking cigarettes as I stop trying to figure out the answer in my head, but listen and pay attention to what is here, not the fear and right and wrong which I create to circumvent any real understanding of myself and what's occuring within me.
When I say look to my mind, I don't mean create fear and perception of what my mind is showing me, I mean look at my mind for what it's showing me, I'm getting possessed with fear and judgement, my mind can't tell me if smoking is right or wrong I can't look it it in that sense, but I can see how my relationship to smoking in my mind is all or nothing right or wrong good or bad, then look to my body what does my body have to say?
I can start living the words listening, instead of trying to figure everything out in my head where I'm not giving myself the full picture.