Jealousy in a Relationship: Support - 01 December 2017

Marlen
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Jealousy in a Relationship: Support - 01 December 2017

Postby Marlen » 01 Dec 2017, 22:08

Note: the topic initially started differently, though keep reading because we do get to share about the jealousy point.

1:04 PM]
ingrids Hi


[1:05 PM]
randy hello all


[1:05 PM]
valentin.rozman Hi all :slightly_smiling_face:


[1:05 PM]
tormod Hi everybody


[1:05 PM]
carlton Hello


[1:05 PM]
marlen hey guys, not sure if Sunette is coming, but we can do open floor :slightly_smiling_face:


[1:06 PM]
what do you say?


[1:07 PM]
randy always open to open floor... I just tend to draw a blank... lol


[1:07 PM]
tormod How to walk a process for all of humanity and how to make process easier for the generations to come?


[1:07 PM]
valentin.rozman Who is going to open the door to a open floor? :wink:


[1:07 PM]
marlen hmm that's a bit too expansive @tormod meaning how I see it is basically focusing on what you can do, where you're at, doing it the best that you can


[1:07 PM]
alyson Hi


[1:07 PM]
randy lol val


[1:07 PM]
marlen so I have a suggestion of a topic


[1:08 PM]
tormod ok cool @marlen


[1:09 PM]
marlen I noticed how when writing or sharing something, there are times where I 'feel compelled' to clarify something which comes in a sort of defensive mode, like already assuming that the person reading or hearing is 'assuming' this/that about what I'm sharing, and kind of wanting to 'leave my name clear' - check mind pattern there! - lol and how these remarks come out in a 'by the way, or just so you know' type of thing, can anyone relate, would this be a cool topic?


[1:10 PM]
randy can relate. unless someone has something else, works for me


[1:10 PM]
alyson Sounds almost like a form of paranoia Marlen?

[1:10 PM]
randy I dont' see it that way alyson

[1:10 PM]
carlton can relate


[1:10 PM]
marlen it is indeed @alyson so we can give it a name, where we are already 'going a step ahead' in assuming what the other person is thinking/judging about what we are sharing, or 'misinterpreting'


[1:10 PM]
valentin.rozman I can not day that I can relate. Just saying for you to be completely clear.

[1:11 PM]
marlen paranoia in the sense of thinking in our minds basically projecting what we are judging about ourselves as 'what others will think of it' type of thing


[1:11 PM]
valentin.rozman day=say

[1:12 PM]
dan I can relate to this too, where I let my flow of writing more look like an internal conversation with my subconscious characters in the head


[1:12 PM]
marlen So here I was looking at how whenever I feel 'compelled' and here this comes with a 'need to clarify' something, that at times it comes through in a defensive mode, can be very slight, like for example : I am finding it difficult to finish a project - and I'm not saying that I am lazy about it - I just find it difficult to find the structure to it - that kind of 'clarifications' where we are in one way or another assuming 'I am lazy at another person's eyes'


[1:13 PM]
randy having recently had a situation where it seemed more clarification was required.... had I been talking with someone in this group, it wouldn't have been but, sometimes I forget that the person I'm talking to may not completely understand unless I give more context



[1:13 PM]
ingrids I have a question to the guys if any walked a process with regards to jeaulousy/possession towards the female partner as i see this quite prominent here around me up to females seeing breaking up as the only solution and also see the males realky struggling with it like seeing it is not okay but not being effective in stopping it. I describe it general here since it is an open chat today.

[1:13 PM]
alyson Cool Marlen, this is something I used to relate to, but it doesn’t come up for me any more in such a form of paranoia as such, but I can relate to patterns of feeling I have to defend my stance especially in business when I have put myself in a vulnerable position being so independent within the system


[1:14 PM]
marlen yeah there's that kind of giving more clarifications, context randy, that's practical at times and in everything, it's definitely more about us becoming aware of 'where this clarification is coming from' - so for example in the context of that one I wrote above, the need to clarify 'and I am not lazy about it' comes from me already judging myself as 'lazy' or possibly actually 'being lazy' lol but not wanting to be 'taken as lazy' by the other person, does that make more sense?


[1:14 PM]
alyson Interesting question @ingrids

[1:15 PM]
dan If the narrative is written so that the author is more informally conversing with a general "you"/reader, it can be appropriate - but the paranoia / compelling part is specifically distinct


[1:15 PM]
marlen That might be a simpler one to work through here @ingrids so how about we take on that one guys?

[1:15 PM]
dan ok for ingrids idea


[1:16 PM]
randy either topic is fine M


[1:16 PM]
marlen so let's open up the jealousy point considering that's also quite common


[1:16 PM]
ingrids Cool


[1:16 PM]
ida Yes I can relate.. this is where I can take the topic into so many different paths of explaining, it can take a long time writing and the writing becomes long


[1:16 PM]
dan I have a lot more I can share regarding jealousy - as it comes up a lot in an open relationship


[1:17 PM]
marlen K so let's place it as is, jealousy in a relationship

[1:17 PM]
mattifreeman I've found this kind of thing typically is based on a self definition / self image that one is wanting to protect

[1:17 PM]
marlen set the channel topic: Jealousy in a Relationship Support

[1:17 PM]
ida it can also make it more complex than what it needs to be. funnily since it was supposed to clarify

[1:17 PM]
alyson Are you having an open relationship @dan , not sure if that is what you meant, lol

[1:17 PM]
carlton I've been there in past relationships

[1:18 PM]
marlen one question there @ingrids is if you are asking based on wanting to relay this support to males or because you are being the subject of jealousy of another and wanting to know how to 'deal with it'

[1:18 PM]
dan yes alyson, weird feelings come up when dropping my girlfriend at her other boyfriends house

[1:18 PM]
ingrids Can you expand on it @mattifreeman ? sounds interesting

[1:19 PM]
mattifreeman like 'I am effective, I am responsible, I am considerate, I am a good person' -- like, trying to protect and hide any quality that others could possibly see as 'deficient', or 'negative', or 'dishonest', or 'nasty'

[1:19 PM]
randy agreed ida - but now we're on to new topic\

[1:19 PM]
anna Interesting topic!

[1:19 PM]
dan facing jealousy head on

[1:19 PM]
tormod That comparing and jealousy i know

[1:19 PM]
marlen lol yeah we are on a new topic

[1:19 PM]
mattifreeman So that - 'I can always be in the right and no one ever has anything they can judge about me or 'use against me'

[1:19 PM]
marlen ok so let's decide! first or second

[1:19 PM]
ingrids Both @marlen but would mostly like to understand the males perspective and their solutions

[1:20 PM]
anna Second!

[1:20 PM]
marlen ok let's do it

[1:20 PM]
ida I have found this one quite tricky.. because its good to be clear and give examples for more context but it can also complicate things

[1:20 PM]
which topic?

[1:20 PM]
alyson Wow, I would not be comfortable with that arrangement either @dan , my husband and I were discussing how friends of ours wanted an open relationship, but there always seems to be a drama around it

[1:20 PM]
marlen Here I'd say it doesn't only pertain to a gender, I have experienced it as well and can say it has to do with self-trust issues and also based on how the relationship is established

[1:21 PM]
randy jealousy ida

[1:21 PM]
valentin.rozman Extreme unjustified jealousy of my last ex-girlfriend was exactly the reason why I ended relationship with her. Not to mention jealousy of her ex-boyfriend who even directly threatened to kill me.

[1:21 PM]
dan my experience is that the hard conversations (beforehand) pay off! Not being clear together sets the stage for hurt feelings

[1:22 PM]
mattifreeman or like -- 'I am the one that teaches people about things / shows things to others -- I can't expose any weakness or potential 'negative thing' about myself because *gasp* then someone might think I am 'less than' in some way, and may try to 'help and teach me'!

[1:22 PM]
ida ok thanks @randy

[1:22 PM]
marlen hmm might be that there is a specific factor there in terms of how males approach jealousy though, maybe taking it to more extreme ways, so share guys

[1:22 PM]
anna Today my partner talked with awe/honor about a co-worker he finds inspiring. I felt that tinge of jealousy, but then I also looked at how I want to be more like her myself - and maybe I can learn through him.

[1:22 PM]
marlen @mattifreeman yep cool, though we've changed topics for now, we might be able to open it up some other time where more can also relate/contribute to it

[1:23 PM]
ida lol yes @mattifreeman

[1:23 PM]
marlen ok so, Ingrid's question is how have males been able to walk through jealousy patterns in a relationship? Though I'd say in general walking solutions in how one has dealt with jealousy can be assisting even if it's a female as well

[1:24 PM]
leilazm Bernard once told me there's jealousy and then there's jealousy lol - where you can have the experience of I want what you have but not coming from any point of meanness, more realizing or admitting you wanted something but only now came to the surface with seeing it in / with someone else


[1:24 PM]
mattifreeman ah new topic okay

[1:24 PM]
sunettedimensions @anna I've experienced the same with my partner in a similar scenario - once I worked through my experiences, I came to find that I did not consider the nature of the relationship he had with the other woman in that: who she is as a person and who he is is unique in their friendship / bonding oin that level; through something they do together I don't particular sync / align with. Same with me, I synv with others on a relationship level based on our mutual likes / dislikes, however

[1:24 PM]
ingrids Lol @mattifreeman i assumed you were already speaking about the jeaolousy point

[1:24 PM]
anna True @sunettedimensions

[1:25 PM]
sunettedimensions this does not define the nature nor depth of intimacy / decision of my and my partners relationship, but simply showing differences in our relationships in others aread of ourselves we can't express nor fulfill in one another


[1:25 PM]
dan the hardest part for me has been not taking my partner's feelings of jealousy as personal or manipulative/controlling, and so I'm slowly getting better about not reacting and immediately making it about me and a need to defend myself...but rather to acknowledge that feelings can be worked through, and that giving time for that to happen is a real skill, can't be reactive.

[1:25 PM]
mattifreeman Lol nope I was busy typing so didn't see the topic change

[1:25 PM]
sunettedimensions and that is fact @anna: we can't fulfill EVERYTHING of each other


[1:25 PM]
carlton Miscommunication was how I excused going into jealousy in a past relationship, where I started assuming, but not asking the right questions.


[1:26 PM]
alyson I find that jealousy and trust issues are very strongly linked, to me trust was the most important thing in our relationship and this has never been an issue for the twenty years we have been married, but I was just discussing previous boyfriends with a close friend last night, and that was the main reason why I knew my husband was a good choice for me as he has incredible integrity, and is someone I can trust, so I have no reason to become jealous.

[1:26 PM]
sunettedimensions so, we fulfill one another in the specific areas of how we defined our agreement - but others parts of our character, creativity, passions etc will / may be complimented by others :slightly_smiling_face: so @anna a suggestion, which is what I did that supported is to define the relationships - work, friendship, acquinatance, best friend, etc etc


[1:27 PM]
marlen There's also a role in the female within this, which is where the clarity of where one is in the relationship comes in. Having been a person that has cheated I can definitely say that we know when we are 'giving into' and propitiating such potential jealousy in another, and that's where I'd say each partner's responsibility comes in and establishing clarity in the relationship to be certain that one is not in fact acting in ways that may propitiate such jealousy - such as flirting etc as a female

[1:27 PM]
sunettedimensions I also ask my partner what do they bring out in you? what about them do you enjoy - ALWAYS I see more of him in what he shares :slightly_smiling_face: than the other person really lol

[1:27 PM]
dan lol cool

[1:27 PM]
randy cool alyson.. agree that jealously and trust - rather, a lack thereof - go hand in hand


[1:27 PM]
anna Interesting @sunettedimensions - I like it.

[1:28 PM]
marlen ok so here placing again Ingrid's specific question that opened up the topic "
ingrids I have a question to the guys if any walked a process with regards to jeaulousy/possession towards the female partner as i see this quite prominent here around me up to females seeing breaking up as the only solution and also see the males realky struggling with it like seeing it is not okay but not being effective in stopping it. I describe it general here since it is an open chat today."

[1:28 PM]
tormod I become jealous on couples in general thinking «oh they have it so Nice, they seem so successfull in their relationship etc « internal Talking about other people / couples

[1:28 PM]
sunettedimensions @dan @joekou and I did cool recordings recently in RSS series that may support in understanding your experience better - boundaries and what you'll accept and allow and what not. So, @dan would more say what yoiu're going through is you getting to know what you can handle and stand by and what not. Not personal, simply what it is - though, walk it as self honestly as possible within you and see what you're comfortable with agreeing with in a relationship and what not


[1:29 PM]
dan i'll say!

[1:29 PM]
sunettedimensions @marlen @ingrids can you give a practical example of the question you asked above

[1:29 PM]
anna I had a threesome relationship once. It didn't last very long, it was extremely explosive and the jealousy I felt was.... phew. Intense.


[1:29 PM]
dan lol

[1:29 PM]
ida "ALWAYS I see more of him in what he shares :slightly_smiling_face: than the other person really lol" what do you mean by this @sunettedimensions that you understand/see/get to know him more.. rather than the person they are talking about?

[1:30 PM]
carlton lol anna

[1:30 PM]
can relate

[1:30 PM]
anna Ahh interesting @sunettedimensions I only got that now that @ida asked

[1:30 PM]
sunettedimensions Yes @ida or I see what he likes / notices in the other is similar to how I know him to be - so then I understand more that he enjoys this / that person cause it compliments who he is and he's complimenting who they are, which is a COOL thing!

[1:31 PM]
randy @ingrids what do you mean that females see breaking up as the only solution? is that because the men in their lives are so possessive that they dont' want their woman eventalking to another man?

[1:31 PM]
anna Because this is for sure a side of my partner that is a seed to be developed. I like that deepened perspective.

[1:32 PM]
randy seems tome that jealously comes from a point of insecurity in self, or lack of trust in partner

[1:32 PM]
leilazm I had this with Cesar as well when he started seeking out more people to be around, I would compare and judge myself - but then would take it back to my relationships with other people and how it is natural to have relationships with various different expressions from which you can learn and expand yourself


[1:33 PM]
ida ok cool get it.. SO it is not''ohh now I see what I can change in me to be like that (because I might admire that)" but more "ahh now I see what I can embrace more in my partnre" ? @sunettedimensions

[1:33 PM]
sunettedimensions @ida uploaded your question regarding why it's easier to be direct with strangers than with your own partner to S&L today :slightly_smiling_face:


[1:33 PM]
anna Oh this I've experienced too @leilazm lol

[1:34 PM]
randy I've experienced it, yes, but walked through that a long time ago... Cathy and I both did... once we really developed trust in each other, it wasn't an issue...


[1:34 PM]
ingrids Yes and one shared when being 10 minutes too late in evening for example becoming angry, possessive up to abusive, wanting to know all the steps, @randy @sunettedimensions -

[1:34 PM]
ida aah cool @sunettedimensions thanks for letting me know!

[1:34 PM]
tormod To me it is forgiving thing - when ever it opens up - adress it with sf and lett it go.

[1:34 PM]
sunettedimensions Yes @ida :slightly_smiling_face: or just notice in the moment. Like he's sharing about the fun he had with someone and the jokes and I laigh with cause I know it's what my partner enjoys too, so it's just a reminder of who he is. When he shares, I listen and join in with him - live with him in the moment as though I was there too sharing it with him. So, it's more a JOINING in and with I do, enjoying him and his sharing and insights rather than me thinking it's about me

[1:35 PM]
anna One side of it for sure @ingrids - now that I look at it, is that experienced of "OWNING" someone, that they are "YOURS" and so within that fear loosing what is yours, but really it was never yours and you know that deep down.

[1:35 PM]
randy yes tormod... if I'm jealous, it's MY deal

[1:35 PM]
dan cool point leilazm, i find me orienting to my relationship similarly, where I want only to empower her and be supportive of her growth through other relationships - and when jealousy-like feelings come up, I'm almost surprised, because consciously/logically I've already decided to be ok with it.

[1:35 PM]
sunettedimensions Ahhh @ingrids that would be possessive / paranoia insecurity

[1:35 PM]
anna So that control comes from fear of losing, but the fear of losing is a projection that's really about self @ingrids

[1:36 PM]
How come have you decided to go into an open relationship @dan?

[1:36 PM]
carlton I also have experienced jealousy when the idea of a past partner being the same as with me with other males.

[1:36 PM]
ingrids Yes i also see that @anna and how a relationship is defined/viewed - ah yes anna

[1:36 PM]
sunettedimensions @ingrids I would say such individuals may SEEM DIFFERENT and EXPLOSIVE in terms of their possession of insecurity, however, if we all look - we do the exact same in our minds and emotions, we juist don't ACT IT OUT


[1:36 PM]
marlen that's a cool way to look at it @sunettedimensions, I also come to enjoy sharing that kind of stuff based on what I got to experience with others, though I've definitely also refrained from doing it based on 'oh what it if sparks jealousy' so I also have to not have such limits otherwise I would be the one already making the 'connection' that my relationship/interactions with other males are tainted by the idea of 'other relationships'

[1:36 PM]
anna That's a good point @sunettedimensions

[1:36 PM]
dan anna, deep question, but the gist is that I could see the potential for greater impact/support this way

[1:37 PM]
ida Ok cool @sunettedimensions

[1:37 PM]
alyson Sorry gtg, will read later

[1:37 PM]
sunettedimensions So, @ingrids - I'd say to understand such men / woman who go into that state, we can simply look at the triggers in self that activate such jealousy and insecurity to know what's behind it. Most are simoply better at keeping such insecurities secret and suppressed than others

[1:37 PM]
dan and the pointlessness of jealousy

[1:38 PM]
randy that's true @sunettedimensions, simply due to reactive patterns that have been developed over a long time.... but, as long as you Catch yourself , and say to self - hey, wait a second, I need to look at MY reaction here

[1:38 PM]
ingrids Paranoia yes @sunettedimensions and ah yes, cool to consider indeed so the ones who act on it seem 'more paranoia' but are mostly more extravert

[1:38 PM]
sunettedimensions So, @ingrids I'd say everything that's been discussed here is quite valid to look at and consider

[1:38 PM]
Exactly @ingrids no different

[1:38 PM]
Same principles apply

[1:38 PM]
ingrids Cool

[1:39 PM]
marlen and I'd add also the process of clarifying where one is in a relationship, so communication is a key to ensure no assumptions or insecurities come up. So for example if someone is in an 'open relationship' then it's assumed you are ok with the other person being with more people - and if it's a lol 'closed' or 'normal' relationship then rather opening up with the person what are the exact points that the other person is fearing to lose, or whether there are comparisons that haven't been addressed and supported with as a couple, so communicating about the insecurities assists a lot


[1:39 PM]
alyson Before I forget @sunettedimensions , I have left you a message on Viber :grinning:

[1:40 PM]
dan yes, I find there's always a more 'real' point I can work with if I slow down and get through the initial owie of jealousy.

[1:40 PM]
ida guys I need to go, Ill read later bye bye

[1:40 PM]
sunettedimensions Yes - as I've referred to this is boundaries, what you'll accept and allow and what not. Some are okay with an open relationships, others not, some are okay with a level of jealousy in relationships and may actually like it, others not -so you got to get to know your self honesty in a relationship sessentially

[1:40 PM]
what can you live with

[1:40 PM]
what can you accept and allow and what not in you and another

[1:41 PM]
randy yes marlen, must have open, honest and clear communication within the relationship

[1:41 PM]
anna I have found that I experience jealousy (not in my romantic relationship though) much more that I've been aware of. Basically every time I experience I don't like someone on a superficial level, it's jealousy lol. And I found it very supportive what they mentioned in that fighting recording about it as well, how it can come out as projected resentment towards someone. So it can be sneaky to deal with, like blame, a sneaky one.

[1:41 PM]
sunettedimensions not looked at in fear of loss or losing another, but in SELF, SELF HONESTY

[1:41 PM]
what relationship LIFE do you want to create live and experience

[1:41 PM]
ingrids @dan interesting quite a challenge but also see what you say

[1:41 PM]
sunettedimensions cause accepting and allowing things in a relationship you just cannot live with, underminding yourself, continuously reacting, etc etc is not a way to live


[1:42 PM]
dan yeah, ingrids, but surprisingly the open relationship dynamic is easier to manage than the other normal relationship conflicts/strains

[1:42 PM]
marlen A practical consideration as well is how one can get 'possessed' in a moment of jealousy and how acting out on it 'towards the partner' is definitely not the suggested way, but this comes more within us walking process, where we know and are aware when we are being 'taken over' with jealousy and in that, the point remains the same, taking it back to self to see what am I comparing myself with where I'm seeing myself as 'less than' or 'in fear of loss' of the relationship because of this/that interaction of my partner with others. So, in that case, females can also apply understanding of how we also experience jealousy and see how others might act more 'explosively' on it, yet point can be taken back to self to see where am I seeing myself as less than, inferior than x person for example, and use it as a reference to see what expressions/words am I seeing myself as 'less than' or 'in lack of' when it comes to what one reacted to in that other person we become jealous of

[1:43 PM]
randy interesting dan

[1:43 PM]
ingrids Yes @anna i am also quite familiair with experiences of jeaulousy in different ways

[1:43 PM]
Ha fascinating @dan

[1:43 PM]
anna Yes @sunettedimensions - I definitely have had that within me of thinking that I was being a 'trooper' and 'brave' because I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, but where it was just totally destablizing me and not at all was supportive.

[1:43 PM]
carlton interesting Dan

[1:44 PM]
marlen yep been there/done that before when it comes to 'open relationships' I simply could not handle it, it was petrifying and consuming, but at that time I had not established any form of self-respect either or what I'm willing to accept and allow and 'be ok with' in a relationship, so that was me before process as well.

[1:45 PM]
anna Yes for me too @marlen

[1:45 PM]
marlen @anna lol yeah can relate, also being more 'open minded' and whatnot, like 'I can handle this' but oh no, it was quite life consuming based on all the constant fears, paranoia I created around it

[1:45 PM]
sunettedimensions lol @marlen specific you share the word self respect in this context - recordings in EQAFE on its way regarding redefining self respect and defining boundaries as what you'll accept and allow and what not


[1:45 PM]
anna I've also definitely misunderstood "crossing boundaries/breaking taboos" for "self-honesty"

[1:45 PM]
marlen so yep this proves for each person it will be a different experience and a self-honest assessment

[1:45 PM]
sunettedimensions Yes @marlen

[1:45 PM]
leilazm Yes I've also found that sometimes I come up with experiences which I interpret as 'oh its just jealousy' or this or that emotion, I know how to work with this, but where what's on the surface has actually already mutated into something else because I have been suppressing the original experience that it now comes through differently, still trying to find a way to go "helloo, you need to look at this!"

[1:46 PM]
sunettedimensions Again a point one cannot compare to anyone else, you have to find and establish and be comfortable with your self honest boundaries, no one else is living your life but you

[1:46 PM]
anna But that doesn't mean I can't see the potential or possible effectiveness of an open relationship or polyamorous one. I'm simply not there at the moment myself though.

[1:46 PM]
marlen cool yep! I definitely had no context of that before, because I was totally 'in need of' a relationship, and 'wanting to be liked' and 'be accepted by other' and that had been the foundation of self-deprecation in so many ways, so I definitely have walked through jealousy as a female and still working through it, while also working on me ensuring I am setting my own boundaries when it comes to interactions with opposite sex

[1:47 PM]
dan i think the main reason why I am ok with open relationship is because I'm so oriented to my self relationship. That's where my head is at, my focus. The jealousy only comes in when I attach my self-value definitions to the relationship.

[1:47 PM]
ingrids @carlton you mean jeaolousy towards partners of your partner before you? I can relate to that

[1:48 PM]
anna Cool @dan

[1:49 PM]
marlen yeah I remember one interview that assisted me to break my own morals of judging 'polyamorous' as 'bad' and 'wrong' lol, I think it was this one, https://eqafe.com/p/conflicting-commitm ... ss-support though it doesn't mean that I would like that for myself, but simply assisted to walk through the initial reactions I'd have to it.
EQAFE - Self-perfection Interviews, Books & Music
Conflicting Commitments - Relationship Success Support
How do you come to the truth of where you stand with your partner when you have conflicting views on commitment and relationships, before you both experience potentially unpleasant effect of such differences? This recording describes real life case studies and reveals how commitment can become a source of diminishment and consequence when you do not clearly see who you are and what your sel... (236 kB)

[1:49 PM]
carlton Interesting how I found it easy for me to come out of this jealousy possession as soon as my past partner show me more attention, which goes to question was I really jealous of just looking for more attention.

[1:49 PM]
dan cool marlen!

[1:49 PM]
anna I suppose it also depends on what one is looking to create from/within the relationship. With living together and having children, I can see that it's more practical to be only two. There's a certain practical dependency on one another. OR it has to be VERY stable/secure, to allow for much flexibility.

[1:50 PM]
marlen yeah that's a cool observation @carlton to see what one is 'demanding' or in perceived 'lack of' as the solution to an experience that we can instead look at more directly such as seeing what am I in fact 'desiring' that I see or perceive 'others have' so as to not create a band-aid solution to it


[1:51 PM]
carlton both @ingrids

[1:51 PM]
ingrids Interesting @carlton or maybe it was what you really could need or prefer in that time in a relationship


[1:52 PM]
sunettedimensions Ah cool observation there @carlton


[1:52 PM]
randy carlton, just to clarify... was that while you were in relationship with same past partner that gave you more attention?

[1:52 PM]
dan anna, for the topic of children, we have discussed a scenario where within a primary/central polyamorous relationship, we would kind of collect cool people over time to bring into the tribe, and parenting would be a community effort.

[1:53 PM]
marlen bottom line, best thing is to open the point up, first for oneself, then share with the partner as something that one experienced and in which moment, how, that has assisted me a lot to not just 'boil over' and keep it to myself, but definitely had to make sure that I don't turn it into an act of exerting the experience in a moment, because! it was all in my head lol, what made sense for me to do is to first ground my head back to reality so that I first sort out my emotions/reactions, understand them, then address it, communicate it, which is part of how I like establishing an open communication within a relationship or agreement.


[1:53 PM]
ingrids Interesting @dan

[1:53 PM]
sunettedimensions Agreed @marlen well articulated

[1:53 PM]
anna Yes that's for sure a cool goal @dan - that would be awesome. Having lived in freetown Christiania and known people who were raised like that, I also see that it can have its own challenges and isn't necessarily supportive. More in an ideal sense.

[1:54 PM]
ingrids Yes @marlen agree to communicate about it so that it doesnot need to escalate

[1:54 PM]
dan yeah I feel that anna

[1:54 PM]
thanks for sharing that

[1:54 PM]
sunettedimensions All gtg for the moment :slightly_smiling_face: many points of insight to learn from and reflect on! THanks so much all

[1:54 PM]
marlen so that may also be something that in ingrid's case as a common practice for both, to first walk through the reactions individually, then when the waters are calm, share it, communicate it, that creates also a space to define/redefine where 'one is' within a relationship, assists a lot

[1:55 PM]
randy thanks @sunettedimensions

[1:55 PM]
dan and reaqlly holding space when you'

[1:55 PM]
marlen lol yep this is a vast topic, some other time we can continue looking at the 'subtle defensive remarks as explanations' as well!

[1:55 PM]
dan re partner is jealous, and not taking it personally, but understanding where and why the feelings come up and talk about them!

[1:55 PM]
carlton Yes Randy

[1:55 PM]
randy OK

[1:56 PM]
marlen ok so see you guys! and thanks for sharing/opening up these pointers

[1:56 PM]
dan thanks everyone

[1:56 PM]
randy quite a broad topic ingrids...

[1:56 PM]
ingrids Thanks all for all the sharings very supportive

[1:56 PM]
randy thanks for bringing it up

[1:56 PM]
ingrids Lol yes @randy

[1:57 PM]
marlen yep cool @dan! not to take it personally indeed, but understand it and talk about it


[1:57 PM]
carlton Thanks Ingrid all bye.

[1:57 PM]
randy since this is a public chat, you can refer people to the forum to read it ingrids... :)'

[1:57 PM]
anna Gtg


[1:57 PM]
marlen bye!

[1:57 PM]
randy thanks everyone


new messages
[1:58 PM]
valentin.rozman Thanks all and bye :slightly_smiling_face:



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