hiram noe hernandez' process

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hiramnoehernandez
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hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

i have made the decision to start blogging for sponsorship again.

i commit myself, again, to write and apply self forgiveness every day in the forum.

on allowing myself to accept the fear of walking my process and waiting, and making excuses:

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberatley wait for myself to walk and apply my process of self forgiveness and writing here on the forum.
i forgive myself that i have judged myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look away from applying/walking my process.
i forgive myself that i have condemned myself to not walk my process because i am angry at myself.
i commit myself to dare to walk this process of self forgiveness and writing - with concistency.

corrective action: i open a point right now.

i experience myself as being embaraced of/fearing writing myself out here. i have programed myself to not dare to expose myself.
there is the point that i haven't been able to release which is that of how i have perseived and experienced myself in relation to sex/sexuality.

i am gona work on the point of fearing other people.
i have accepted for some time now, to fear other people/being around other people, specially when i don't know them personally.
i've noticed this fear decreases when i allow myself to be out more. but then for whatever reazon i'll eventually go back to being inside the house all day or most of the day and the fear comes back.

as i've wrote here on the forum previously, it seems, my past had a lot to do with me becoming so paranoid/fearfull of other people. specifically when i was in middle school and high school and experienced being made fun of/ridiculed and allowing myself to be influenced by that.
why would i allow - being ridiculed/made fun of - to influence me?
why did i fear this? because it caused me pain; some kind of pain.
because i beleived i had to react in the way i did because i beleived i had to react in a certain way. maybe acording to how i believed my personality was suposed to function.

im gona stop here. i will continue from where i've left off the next time i post.
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

ok im continuing.

i wrote previously that i was gona continue next time on what i had left of. yet im gona correct and do forgiveness and write on some points which i've fallen on in regards to eating.

about a little more than a week ago, i fell on the point of stoping my consumption of sugar. i've been eating sugar every day. i even did so today.
also i've been over eating a lot.
and i've been sleeping a lot. like more than 12 hours every day.

i've desided im going to stop, again, my consumption of sugar. i'll maybe eat someting if it contains a really small amount of sugar like 1 or 2 grams. but not big cuantitys.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall on the point of stoping consuming sugar.


........... ok i stoped previously while writing this and i saved it as a draft but im continuing.

earlier i wrote one self forgiveness about consuming suger, yet i just again consumed sugar some minutes ago.

i am experiencing much resistance in actually walking this process and writing here on the forum as im used to not being effective and always falling. yet i'll continue.

i don't really trust my self forgivenesses.
i see that most likely i don't trust myself with self forgiveness because i haven't allowed myself to stand.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall again on the point of consuming/eating sugar.
i commit myself to stop eating sugar no matter what, and if i feel like im gona fall, i commit myself to breathe through the experience.
i forgive myself for believing that i can't stop eating sugar.
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to assist/support myself by stoping eating sugar.
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to really stand and walk through this point of eating sugar.
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

Spoon has ended up expresing spitefullness towards me. using what i exposed to him about myself as my fears, to try and put me down and be spitefull. i have reacted towards this so i wana write about it and do self forgiveness on this.
i exposed myself to him and opened up a lot about my sexuality which i haven't opened up to much people.
now he is sending me messages dissing me about that.
also i allowed him to take much pictures of me in the past which where explicit which i was suposed to make money off, yet never did.
now he's talking shit saying basicly getting through to me that, i should be experiencing fear because out of spitefullness he will show these pictures to all these people.
i've had enough of this being, and of my allowance to allow this being in my reality. i have now blocked this being from my reality.

i know i could be more specific about what it is about my sexuality that i opened up to him that he is now using to try and harm me, but i don't feel comfortable opening up about that here on the forum openly yet. i have in the past though.
to my understanding, i should expose things when i am ready to do so without reacting, and that will be posible in time through the effectiveness of my process, slowly but surley.

this experience reminds me of being bullyied in my past. it seems it's something simmilar.

i forgive myself for judging myself that i react to others peoples judgements and take them personally and thus allow those judgements to influence me.
i forgive myself for not realizing that i have created this whole experience whit Spoon myself, by allowing myself to talke drugs such as crack, and allowing myself to be directed by my fears.
i forgive myself for not realizing and embracing the fact that i have to face the consequences of what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this reality.
i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to live the realization that i am the one responsible for everything i experience within my reality.
so i stop blaming others and i face whatever it is i have done.

i experience like this desire for revenge and to cause Spoon pain. so i can feel/perceive in a way, that i am on top of him. that my ego is superior maybe. i feel this energy in my neck and chest.

so why am i being influenced by the spitefullness Spoon has directed towards me? why do i take it personal?
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by Spoon's actions.
i realize/see that what experience, the reactions i experience, are my own judgements towards myself. and my my own judgements towards others.
since what he pointed out about my sexuality in a spitefull way influenced me, it seems that it influences me because im still judging my sexuality in relation to my past.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for their way of expresing themselves sexualy and therefore juding and limitng my own self.
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Anna
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by Anna »

Cool Hiram! Back to the basics of self-forgiveness.

That is what I have found for myself, is the only way to go. We cannot expect ourselves to be perfect within applying self-forgiveness right of the bat - it requires consistent practice and participation. Also what I have found is that I cannot actually trust myself until/unless I make myself trustworthy to myself. Because I have existed in self-deception and self-compromise for so long, that I require to walk a process of slowly but surely bringing myself to a point of self-trust. This can only be done by walking, one step and then one, one breath and then one, stopping the mind, the excuses, the back chat.
now he's talking shit saying basicly getting through to me that, i should be experiencing fear because out of spitefullness he will show these pictures to all these people. i've had enough of this being, and of my allowance to allow this being in my reality. i have now blocked this being from my reality.
Yes this is possible to happen and cool that you're not allowing yourself to be manipulated through fear. What I do suggest is to ensure that you're not simply suppressing the point to "make it go away" as expressed within the statement "i have now blocked this being from my reality" - a possible indication of blame and abdication of self-responsibility still present in the words. From a different perspective it could be exactly what is required for self to stand up - so I suggest investigating this point in self-honesty. If you still back chat about the person and concern yourself with them in your mind, then you have not let go or brought the point back to self.
i know i could be more specific about what it is about my sexuality that i opened up to him that he is now using to try and harm me, but i don't feel comfortable opening up about that here on the forum openly yet. i have in the past though.
It is suggested to not share points on the forum it is in any way compromising/incriminating self. So I suggest to simply write for yourself and communicate these points with yourself. If required you can also write about the context without mentioning details.

Otherwise, enjoy!
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

i am working on the points i don't feel comfortable with sharing here on my own. yet i wan't to at the same time be working on points which i am comfortable with sharing here; so i can prove my consistency and effectiveness, as i am blogging for sponsorship.

i have desided i am going to adress and work on the point of over-eating.
i had previously done some work on this point here on the forum yet i fell and have remained fallen on this point for a while now. some months maybe. so im starting again.

it seems i eat out of anxiety and/or to supress myself. or/and also in a way as a way of masturbating. because eating is a kind of pleasure.

what i think is tricky about disiplining the way i eat is that, how do i effectivley know how much it is im suposed to eat? for now i can start with only allowing myself to eat 3 times a day.

................ i stoped and saved this post as a draft. now 1 day later im continuing.

i forgive myself for judging myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to over eat when i know what im doing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over eat.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overeat to supress my anxiety.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my anxiety.
i stop over eating by disiplining my eating, and allowing myself to only eat 3 times a day.
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

i deliberatley fell on the points of over eating and eating sugar some minutes ago.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall again on the point's of over eating and eating sugar.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to over eat to supress my anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with and face my anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to over eat and consume sugar to not face my perseived anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have gaven my power away to anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have judged myself because i have not allowed myself to breathe through my anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have judged myself that i have judged myself that i have not allowed myself to breathe through my anxiety.
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to breathe through my anxiety.
so i stop eating sugar and over eating, and i disipline my eating and only eat three times a day, and i allow myself to dare to breathe through my anxiety that causes me to over eat and consume sugar.

also in relation to over eating; it seems that over eating has to do with me sleeping a lot and being lazy. and maybe also on being less motivated.

and also, i judge my mom in my mind when i see her over eating/eating out of anxiety.
Maya
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by Maya »

hiramnoehernandez wrote:i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall again on the points of over eating and eating sugar.
the word 'Again' indicate here self judgment. What I’ve realize for myself is that there is no point in judging ourselves when we fall because we fall every time we miss a breath. the point is to take self responsibility and investigate why, how, where and when am i allow myself to fall, what is the trigger point, what ideas have i created about the point, am i participating in a polarity, in a morality construct. many times we judge ourselves for falling simple because we do not understand the systems within us and how the unconscious/subconscious mind is functioning. that is part of the Desteni I Process - to be able to realize our entire creation, stand up and correct. it takes time however, in anyway whatsoever, there is no point is judging that which we don't understand or that which have happened in the past. rather, breath, stand up, direct.
hiramnoehernandez wrote:i forgive myself that i have judged myself that i have judged myself that i have not allowed myself to breathe through my anxiety.
Cool! However - take a look at how you have constructed the statement without the words "accepted and allowed". meaning - you might not actually forgiven yourself in that point through not realizing self responsibility of creating self judgment through one's acceptance and allowance.
hiramnoehernandez wrote:and also, i judge my mom in my mind when i see her over eating/eating out of anxiety.
so, bring it back to self and forgive yourself.
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

i am still working on the point of my sexuality and the fears/points attached to that on my own.
i have realized that from a certain perspective, this would be best. because in writing about my sexuality and my fears/defenitions/judgements attached to it on my own, it's easier to not hold back anything that im hiding within.

i've been having a little bit of dificulty in thinking of what else can i write about and work on here on the forum. most points i see, that if i open them they just end up within my fears of my sexuality.

i do however look forward to eventually being able to open up on that here on the forum/publicly; after i, ...stand equal to all of that.

as far as eating, - i am eating 3 times a day. more organized.
as far as sugar consumption - i haven't eaten any sugar since my last forgivenesess on that.
i do however have a doubt conserning sugar consumption; - what about fruit?

i desided that right now im going to work on the point of sleeping/oversleeping. it seems like a rather simple point.

latley i sleep a shit load.
latley, i'll wake up, then i always fall back alseep imideatley as i give in to the wanting to fall back into my dreaming state.
today i..., when i woke up, i fell back alseep breifley and then i woke up again. i tryed to stay up. i got up for a couple of minutes but i was so wanting to fall back alseep, and i gave in. i sleep latley every day about 12 hours.

i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to oversleep, and in that, allow my mind to fully recharge itself. instead of allowing myself to assist myself by not oversleeping and not allowing my mind to recharge itself fully.
i forgive myself that i have judged myself because when i wake up i always fall back alseep.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall back alseep when i wake up.
i commit myself that when i wake up i stay up and i do not allow myself to fall back alseep again.
i forgive myself for not moving when i wake up and just allowing myself to stay there when aparently if i don't move i will ineviatbly fall back alseep.
i commit myself to start moving and breathing once i wake up so i don't just fall back asleep.
if i need more suport on staying up once i've already goten up i will take a shower and i can also do self-forgiveness.
Maya
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by Maya »

Hiram, There is much support available with regards to sleeping and oversleeping.
I suggest to look at why you feel the need to sleep 12 hours, or why did you allow yourself to give in and go back to sleep.
it is not about forgiving yourself for falling, it is to actually introspect to see and realize that design/systems that you've created which manifested as oversleeping. Meaning, it is not about oversleeping persay - it is what behind that, what activate/trigger the need to over sleep.
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hiramnoehernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' process

Post by hiramnoehernandez »

it seems like one reazon why i might oversleep is because i don't want to face this reality.
why don't i want to face this reality? why do i rather fall back asleep? because facing this reality is not easy. and id rather fall back asleep because in the moment where i deside whether i will fall back alseep or not, i see it is more enjoyable to fall back asleep than to wake up and face this reality.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to what is easy instead of commiting myself and living my commitement to face this reality.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to oversleep to not face this realtiy because oversleeping is more easy and comfortable instead of accepting my self-responsabilty and embracing it, in this specific point - by waking up.
corrective action: i wake up and i get busy with facing myself/working on my process, instead of falling back asleep as much as i can and allowing lazyness to overpower me.

"is not easy" = polarity.
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