since around the time i last wrote here until 2 days ago i was doing drugs and masturbating to images. the day after i stopped, i decided to revisit my past. i whent and visited my firend Daniel, and i also visited Jenna. i had an urge to kiss her. and we . bit and explained to her what im doing with Desteni. and then i told her i still haven't gotten her out of my head, and if she wanted to get together. she wasn't sure, and she didin't allow me to kiss her, so i was just hugging her.
i would very much like to experience myself with a girl. and be physical with her and explore eachother. i think it could be very enjoyable and fun. i also see it as an opportunity to face myself. so i am considering starting an agreement with her.
what i have realized though, is that i have to take some time to educate her, and i also have to allow myself to be standing for a while before i can actually start an agreement with her. that, and obviously alse she has to be up for it. so this is what im considering. i have to take this slow, im not going to rush it. and well she seems to want to take things slow also.
i am considering maybe allowing myself to walk for a month without falling and actually making progress before i actually start the agreement with her. i will however keep in touch with her.
these past days i have been sleeping a lot because my body got really exhausted with all the drug use. and often when i wake up i experience this overwhelming fear, in relation to starting an agreement with Jenna, because i wanted to just start it already right away; this is when i realized that i have to take things slow.
i see this as an opportunity to face my obsesion for her. i don't see why not do it.
2/21/2012
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with regret because I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from facing my anxiety by overeating and eating products with salt or sugar because overeating and/or eating products with salt or sugar sooths my experience of anxiety momentarily. Instead of seeing that ‘regret’ is experienced when it is too late, and the solution is to embrace myself unconditionally; and if I fall I simply get back up immediately.
hiram noe hernandez' process
- hiramnoehernandez
- Posts: 61
- Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 00:44
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
2/22/2012
Today earlier in the morning when everyone left the house where I am staying in, I decided to masturbate to whatever I was able to find on the TV. Then some time later I got on the internet and I decided to masturbate to videos on youtube.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to images.
I have related sexual expression to images.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate ‘sexual expression’ to images.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sexual expression is not dependent on images.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sexual expression is dependent on images, and therefore I masturbate to images.
I haven’t allowed myself to realize and live the realization of what ‘sexual expression’ really is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize and live the realization of what ‘sexual expression’ really is.
Why haven’t I allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to live ‘sexual expression’? because I believe I am not worthy of exploring real ‘sexual expression’.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to explore ‘sexual expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of exploring real ‘sexual expression’, and therefore not allowing myself to give myself the opportunity to experience my sexual expression and therefore resorting to masturbating to images; and as I masturbate to images more and more I am more and more convinced that I am not worthy or capable of experiencing/exploring real ‘sexual expression’.
From what I’ve written thus far, my corrective action is to obviously stop masturbating to pictures, and I can start exploring myself as my sexual expression, and for a long time now I have believed that I am not worthy of experiencing sex with another being, so an agreement would be cool, if walked effectively.
I have been considering much this getting into an agreement with Jenna. It is a good opportunity to face my fears; to expose myself completely to another being and to learn to enjoy sexual expression with another being.
Im gonna stop here for now.
Today earlier in the morning when everyone left the house where I am staying in, I decided to masturbate to whatever I was able to find on the TV. Then some time later I got on the internet and I decided to masturbate to videos on youtube.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate to images.
I have related sexual expression to images.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate ‘sexual expression’ to images.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sexual expression is not dependent on images.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sexual expression is dependent on images, and therefore I masturbate to images.
I haven’t allowed myself to realize and live the realization of what ‘sexual expression’ really is.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize and live the realization of what ‘sexual expression’ really is.
Why haven’t I allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to live ‘sexual expression’? because I believe I am not worthy of exploring real ‘sexual expression’.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to explore ‘sexual expression’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of exploring real ‘sexual expression’, and therefore not allowing myself to give myself the opportunity to experience my sexual expression and therefore resorting to masturbating to images; and as I masturbate to images more and more I am more and more convinced that I am not worthy or capable of experiencing/exploring real ‘sexual expression’.
From what I’ve written thus far, my corrective action is to obviously stop masturbating to pictures, and I can start exploring myself as my sexual expression, and for a long time now I have believed that I am not worthy of experiencing sex with another being, so an agreement would be cool, if walked effectively.
I have been considering much this getting into an agreement with Jenna. It is a good opportunity to face my fears; to expose myself completely to another being and to learn to enjoy sexual expression with another being.
Im gonna stop here for now.
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
Hi Hiram,
Cool that you’ve taking the first step – To Stop participating in drugs! Now, all you’ve got to do is to push yourself to stop again and again and again when, if and as the thoughts of wanting to use drugs comes up.
With regards to Agreement – Realize that Agreement start with establishing Self Agreement wherein One assist and support oneself to step out of one’s mind and walk into the physical reality.
Remember that it is always about self and thus, it is not about educating another, it is about educating ourselves, to get to know ourselves for the very first time because thus far, we’ve only created and walked a relationship with our mind. We have never actually walked a relationship with ourselves as the physical nevertheless, a relationship with another.
Thus, I suggest to focus on yourself and stabilize yourself to be able to walk an agreement with yourself. Get to know yourself in a relationship through introspecting your past relationships because otherwise, you’ll keep repeating the same time loops/patterns again and again.
With Regards to Masturbation – Within the next 2 weeks, a new Series of interviews in relation to Masturbation will be public on EQAFE. Those interviews are a practical assistance and support to first understand the design of Masturbation, why do we masturbate, what are the consequences and the outflows, what is really happening when masturbating and so on.
So Hiram, the main point is Self and how to assist self to stop participating in self sabotaging and abusing patterns, how to assist and support oneself to stop time looping the same points and practically walk the correction.
Cool that you’ve taking the first step – To Stop participating in drugs! Now, all you’ve got to do is to push yourself to stop again and again and again when, if and as the thoughts of wanting to use drugs comes up.
With regards to Agreement – Realize that Agreement start with establishing Self Agreement wherein One assist and support oneself to step out of one’s mind and walk into the physical reality.
Remember that it is always about self and thus, it is not about educating another, it is about educating ourselves, to get to know ourselves for the very first time because thus far, we’ve only created and walked a relationship with our mind. We have never actually walked a relationship with ourselves as the physical nevertheless, a relationship with another.
Thus, I suggest to focus on yourself and stabilize yourself to be able to walk an agreement with yourself. Get to know yourself in a relationship through introspecting your past relationships because otherwise, you’ll keep repeating the same time loops/patterns again and again.
With Regards to Masturbation – Within the next 2 weeks, a new Series of interviews in relation to Masturbation will be public on EQAFE. Those interviews are a practical assistance and support to first understand the design of Masturbation, why do we masturbate, what are the consequences and the outflows, what is really happening when masturbating and so on.
So Hiram, the main point is Self and how to assist self to stop participating in self sabotaging and abusing patterns, how to assist and support oneself to stop time looping the same points and practically walk the correction.
- hiramnoehernandez
- Posts: 61
- Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 00:44
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
2/23/2012
So if I am to open up more this point of fearing having sex with another being and/or having the perception/belief that I am not worthy of experiencing sexual expression with another being, I see that I fear my ‘insecurities’; that of myself which I am not satisfied with; that of myself which I don’t accept. That opens up the point of self-acceptance.
2/23/2012
For some days now, since I last saw Jenna, I’ve been thinking of her a lot; almost all the time. It is getting unbearable. It’s been unbearable. And im angry, because I haven’t seen her. Im angry because I know that she’s been with other guys in her past. Im angry because I think she’s avoiding me. All I wana do is see her. I’ve been experiencing impatience. I’ve been experiencing this energy mainly in my chest area. In my mind all this is painful. It is so consuming that that’s why I have decided to address it. because this is fucking unacceptable.
My thoughts are going back and forth on weather I should keep in touch with her and weather I should consider an agreement with her.
An agreement with her would be a cool opportunity to face a LOT of things; including this need Im experiencing to be with her/see her. And then I’ll call her and several times I haven’t been able to get ahold of her; then thoughts come up that maybe she’s avoiding me, or that she doesn’t care about me as much as I do of her; and then I get angry and it’s like im like “fuck her”.
This is ‘impatience’.
Why this impatience?
So if I am to open up more this point of fearing having sex with another being and/or having the perception/belief that I am not worthy of experiencing sexual expression with another being, I see that I fear my ‘insecurities’; that of myself which I am not satisfied with; that of myself which I don’t accept. That opens up the point of self-acceptance.
2/23/2012
For some days now, since I last saw Jenna, I’ve been thinking of her a lot; almost all the time. It is getting unbearable. It’s been unbearable. And im angry, because I haven’t seen her. Im angry because I know that she’s been with other guys in her past. Im angry because I think she’s avoiding me. All I wana do is see her. I’ve been experiencing impatience. I’ve been experiencing this energy mainly in my chest area. In my mind all this is painful. It is so consuming that that’s why I have decided to address it. because this is fucking unacceptable.
My thoughts are going back and forth on weather I should keep in touch with her and weather I should consider an agreement with her.
An agreement with her would be a cool opportunity to face a LOT of things; including this need Im experiencing to be with her/see her. And then I’ll call her and several times I haven’t been able to get ahold of her; then thoughts come up that maybe she’s avoiding me, or that she doesn’t care about me as much as I do of her; and then I get angry and it’s like im like “fuck her”.
This is ‘impatience’.
Why this impatience?
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
Hi Hiram -
Suggest to slow down, breathe, and realize that what you are experiencing actually has nothing to do with Jenna - in terms of the fact that everything that you are creating, is your own creation, and as such, is your responsibility to stop, stand up from, and change - with or without Jenna - and really, if you take a self-honest look at your 'state of being,' you will see that you require to bring yourself back to yourself and walk you - sort yourself out, for you - not for anything/anyone else, as you are clearly becoming obsessed with this point, that being Jenna, and are only projecting outside of yourself that which you are not allowing yourself to slow down and take a look at - investigate - because Jenna is simply a catalyst. If she wasn't in your world/reality, you would only create another point of obsession to distract yourself with, because the real point that you're not looking at - is yourself - as in, what you are accepting and allowing, thus you are currently going into extremes just to not have to face who you are allowing yourself to be.
So, when and as you see yourself going into obsessive thoughts about Jenna, or anything/anyone for that matter - stop, breathe - and bring yourself back here to reality. Touch the physical. Do not allow the thoughts to direct you, but instead become the self-directive principle of your life. You see what this is creating, you see the pain and abuse you are inflicting upon yourself. No need to be a tragic hero. You see that what you are busy creating and entangling yourself in is unacceptable, so - just stop. And keep stopping, breathing, bringing yourself back here. Do physical, tangible things to assist you in getting out of your mind and into practical reality.
When you allow yourself to embrace yourself as SELF-care, you will not require to get confirmation from another as to whether or not they care about you, as you are that point for you. Thus, give what you want from another to yourself, unconditionally.
This impatience that you are experiencing - is the inner-tension that you are creating because you are neglecting you, you are disregarding you, you are not caring about you - you are not being patient with you. So, transform the impatience to: I'm Patience.
Suggest to slow down, breathe, and realize that what you are experiencing actually has nothing to do with Jenna - in terms of the fact that everything that you are creating, is your own creation, and as such, is your responsibility to stop, stand up from, and change - with or without Jenna - and really, if you take a self-honest look at your 'state of being,' you will see that you require to bring yourself back to yourself and walk you - sort yourself out, for you - not for anything/anyone else, as you are clearly becoming obsessed with this point, that being Jenna, and are only projecting outside of yourself that which you are not allowing yourself to slow down and take a look at - investigate - because Jenna is simply a catalyst. If she wasn't in your world/reality, you would only create another point of obsession to distract yourself with, because the real point that you're not looking at - is yourself - as in, what you are accepting and allowing, thus you are currently going into extremes just to not have to face who you are allowing yourself to be.
So, when and as you see yourself going into obsessive thoughts about Jenna, or anything/anyone for that matter - stop, breathe - and bring yourself back here to reality. Touch the physical. Do not allow the thoughts to direct you, but instead become the self-directive principle of your life. You see what this is creating, you see the pain and abuse you are inflicting upon yourself. No need to be a tragic hero. You see that what you are busy creating and entangling yourself in is unacceptable, so - just stop. And keep stopping, breathing, bringing yourself back here. Do physical, tangible things to assist you in getting out of your mind and into practical reality.
When you allow yourself to embrace yourself as SELF-care, you will not require to get confirmation from another as to whether or not they care about you, as you are that point for you. Thus, give what you want from another to yourself, unconditionally.
This impatience that you are experiencing - is the inner-tension that you are creating because you are neglecting you, you are disregarding you, you are not caring about you - you are not being patient with you. So, transform the impatience to: I'm Patience.
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
Cool Support here.
Hiram, do you have another e-mail other than the one you registered with in this forum?
Hiram, do you have another e-mail other than the one you registered with in this forum?
- Garbrielle
- Posts: 1398
- Joined: 15 Jun 2011, 03:29
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
Great support here...Hiram seems you are facing a point of addiction which is possessing you to just want to go into an agreement, the question I would and have asked myself as I have experienced the same, is what is the reason I am walking this point of pushing an agreement? The answer is a process as it takes time to walk out the points within self that create this point of urgency and desire to find another person to live life with, I found this urgency was mainly for sex and security, while the physical as well as myself honesty was saying do not proceed with this, this is not supportive. So suggest to take the suggestions received here, and focus on you first. Are you stable within and as your world, are you seeing within and as stability as to the principles being walked within and as an agreement with another as self, and are you willing to support another unconditionally as self. There is much support within the material in this site on agreements to gain further perspective on what it entails. I have found to proceed slowly within embarking in an agreement because the need and desire for another to fulfill in one's life is great, and takes walking process for and as self in self honesty and self forgiveness to gain stability within this point of partnership to see with clarity what is real and what is just your mind messing with you.
- hiramnoehernandez
- Posts: 61
- Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 00:44
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
maya,
my email is [email protected]
i also have the email of [email protected]
i however at the moment have been paying cero attention to my emails.
as for my consideration of an agreement with Jenna; it is not certain that it will work out; because i don't know if shes up to walk what i am walking, and i don't know if she wants me as her partner. at the moment she seems unsure. yeah i am willing to support her as myself and walk with her unconditionally. at the moment i say i am stable in my process.
i haven't had much time to see her latley, as she's always busy. if we where to walk an agreement it is going to take some time to actually establish it. i have no option but to take things slow with her as this is how she wants it, which is cool.
i am willing to use an agreement with her to face myself. and i understand that is self-deceptive to walk an agreement to depend on another being.
i wana share myself with another being. and i would like to experience/explore my sexual expression with another/intimacy with another.
i am already having to face not allowing myself to just be always obsisivley thinking about her and to instead focus on myself; i am really being pushed to do this because allowing myself to just think about her all the time is fucking umbearable.
i am breathing a lot latley.
my email is [email protected]
i also have the email of [email protected]
i however at the moment have been paying cero attention to my emails.
as for my consideration of an agreement with Jenna; it is not certain that it will work out; because i don't know if shes up to walk what i am walking, and i don't know if she wants me as her partner. at the moment she seems unsure. yeah i am willing to support her as myself and walk with her unconditionally. at the moment i say i am stable in my process.
i haven't had much time to see her latley, as she's always busy. if we where to walk an agreement it is going to take some time to actually establish it. i have no option but to take things slow with her as this is how she wants it, which is cool.
i am willing to use an agreement with her to face myself. and i understand that is self-deceptive to walk an agreement to depend on another being.
i wana share myself with another being. and i would like to experience/explore my sexual expression with another/intimacy with another.
i am already having to face not allowing myself to just be always obsisivley thinking about her and to instead focus on myself; i am really being pushed to do this because allowing myself to just think about her all the time is fucking umbearable.
i am breathing a lot latley.
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
Hiram, Please check out your E-mails. I've sent you a few e-mails recently to [email protected]
Thus, i suggest to assist and support yourself through identifying what is it that you project on Jenna? what is that you feel to be lacking and require Jenna to give you? how come the thought about wanting to be in agreement activated when you saw Jenna? what is she representing to you?
The point about Agreement that must be understood that Agreement start with SELF where we take the step to assist and support ourselves to step out of our mind for once and for all. At the moment, stating that we will walk with another and support them unconditionally is a statement of self deception because we do not yet know ourselves, we do not yet stop when ever a system that we've created within us takes over and we become possessed by allowing the system/pattern to direct us instead of us being the directive principle and move ourselves within and every breath. An agreement is to assist and support OURSELVES through and as the partner to see/realize/understand ourselves, to be able to physically stand up and change ourselves to never again be enslaved and control to the relationship that we've created with our mind, as our mind.hiramnoehernandez wrote:yeah i am willing to support her as myself and walk with her unconditionally
So if you bring the point back to self, it is you who must walk slowly, step by step, your own process. Here is an example of how we project our own process onto others and miss the opportunity of assisting and supporting ourselves with bringing the point back to self and see where we must sort out ourselves first wherein here, it is suggested that you slow yourself down first.hiramnoehernandez wrote:i have no option but to take things slow with her as this is how she wants it, which is cool.
I would suggest to look within yourself whether you are manipulating yourself through stating that you want to face yourself in an agreement with her and really investigate the starting point of wanting/desiring of being in an agreement. We tend to hide from ourselves the real desire of walking a specific point by altering and presenting it in a way that will look respectful. However, as you indicate, until recently, you thought about her day in and day out which means that you are not the directive principle here but rather walking after your own relationship with your mind as the desire to be in relationship.hiramnoehernandez wrote:i am willing to use an agreement with her to face myself.
Thus, i suggest to assist and support yourself through identifying what is it that you project on Jenna? what is that you feel to be lacking and require Jenna to give you? how come the thought about wanting to be in agreement activated when you saw Jenna? what is she representing to you?
Cool!!hiramnoehernandez wrote:i am already having to face not allowing myself to just be always obsisivley thinking about her and to instead focus on myself;
- hiramnoehernandez
- Posts: 61
- Joined: 10 Jul 2011, 00:44
Re: hiram noe hernandez' process
2/24/2012
What is it that I am projecting on Jenna? What is it that I feel to be lacking and require Jenna to give to me? How come the thought of wanting to be in an agreement was activated when I saw Jenna? What does Jenna represent to me?
I ask myself this but the answer doesn’t just come up. I have defined myself as “I like Jenna”. I have convinced myself that I really like her appearance.
I remember when I first met her that I really liked her face. And I liked that she was all petite. I thought she was really pretty. And then after we began interacting more I felt that I really connected with her. And then I was convinced that I didn’t ever want her to leave my life. It felt/I experienced it as if I couldn’t live without her essence. I wanted her to complete me. I really became obsessed with this extensively. And I became convinced for some time that she was my ‘soul mate’; and I was convinced that I could see myself in her, and I thought that If I were to be a female that I would be her.
I recall that I believed that love was the answer to my misery; as I was already extensively paranoid back then; and I had this idea.. this faith, that love would cure me, and that my life would change into like the ultimate bliss.
I really enjoyed having her attention/her interest.
I recall I created this whole story in my mind; it was like a fairytale. Just writing this feels intense. The memories are to an extent consuming.
I also recall that since I became obsessed with her, a lot of the time now I talk to her in my mind as if she is there; so linked to this obsession for Jenna is probably the fear of being alone. That’s what I saw in an interview.
2/24/2012
A note I wana write, is that I have seen how nasty this so called “love” really is. I saw this when this guy who went by the nickname of ‘Spoon’ became obsessed with me. And he wouldn’t respect me; like he actually attempted to rape me, but before he actually did he stopped himself. And i saw how fucking consumed he was by this idea he had. And it was “killing him”.
And this I can relate to me being obsessed with Jenna. and if im self-honest I don’t really care about her as an individual; because I want to own her in a way.
An I’ve been wondering – can I face this fuckness by establishing an agreement with her? Is it possible?
Up to now, what I have desided is that I don’t know if I will establish an agreement with her, but for the moment im just going to keep in touch with her; because process comes first before anything, and I do not accept myself to walk into self-deception.
2/24/2012
So maybe Jenna represented to me – an escape from my problems.
I do realize at moments – that this is all just in my mind. it is an illusion; it isn’t all there is.
It is fascinating how I have denied myself within all this; to the point that I can’t see me continuing into infinity without another specific being; and how I don’t want to see that she is a system, and that all as who we really are are one and equal.
It is fascinating how, this entire idea of me in relation to Jenna, exist only in memories; because if the memories are not there, what’s left is the physical; what’s left is me here as awareness.
So that means that I am hiding from myself; because I am ‘here’, yet I am wanting to follow what I see in my mind as memories and ideas/beliefs.
What is it that I am projecting on Jenna? What is it that I feel to be lacking and require Jenna to give to me? How come the thought of wanting to be in an agreement was activated when I saw Jenna? What does Jenna represent to me?
I ask myself this but the answer doesn’t just come up. I have defined myself as “I like Jenna”. I have convinced myself that I really like her appearance.
I remember when I first met her that I really liked her face. And I liked that she was all petite. I thought she was really pretty. And then after we began interacting more I felt that I really connected with her. And then I was convinced that I didn’t ever want her to leave my life. It felt/I experienced it as if I couldn’t live without her essence. I wanted her to complete me. I really became obsessed with this extensively. And I became convinced for some time that she was my ‘soul mate’; and I was convinced that I could see myself in her, and I thought that If I were to be a female that I would be her.
I recall that I believed that love was the answer to my misery; as I was already extensively paranoid back then; and I had this idea.. this faith, that love would cure me, and that my life would change into like the ultimate bliss.
I really enjoyed having her attention/her interest.
I recall I created this whole story in my mind; it was like a fairytale. Just writing this feels intense. The memories are to an extent consuming.
I also recall that since I became obsessed with her, a lot of the time now I talk to her in my mind as if she is there; so linked to this obsession for Jenna is probably the fear of being alone. That’s what I saw in an interview.
2/24/2012
A note I wana write, is that I have seen how nasty this so called “love” really is. I saw this when this guy who went by the nickname of ‘Spoon’ became obsessed with me. And he wouldn’t respect me; like he actually attempted to rape me, but before he actually did he stopped himself. And i saw how fucking consumed he was by this idea he had. And it was “killing him”.
And this I can relate to me being obsessed with Jenna. and if im self-honest I don’t really care about her as an individual; because I want to own her in a way.
An I’ve been wondering – can I face this fuckness by establishing an agreement with her? Is it possible?
Up to now, what I have desided is that I don’t know if I will establish an agreement with her, but for the moment im just going to keep in touch with her; because process comes first before anything, and I do not accept myself to walk into self-deception.
2/24/2012
So maybe Jenna represented to me – an escape from my problems.
I do realize at moments – that this is all just in my mind. it is an illusion; it isn’t all there is.
It is fascinating how I have denied myself within all this; to the point that I can’t see me continuing into infinity without another specific being; and how I don’t want to see that she is a system, and that all as who we really are are one and equal.
It is fascinating how, this entire idea of me in relation to Jenna, exist only in memories; because if the memories are not there, what’s left is the physical; what’s left is me here as awareness.
So that means that I am hiding from myself; because I am ‘here’, yet I am wanting to follow what I see in my mind as memories and ideas/beliefs.