Elin blogging for sponsorship

User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

How I could hear the Destenimessage

I would have never gotten into this group if it wasnt for my partner Staffan.
He found Desteni when he was serching for music on the web. One of the things
we have had incoment is the taste in music. He was serching for astral projection
(psytrance) and found a video by Sunette.

I have always been a thinker and an analyzer and everything has always seemed fucked up.
But Ive never been religious, or a feminist or an animalactivist ... frankly, Ive been
too fucking bussy trying to figure out how I can gain peoples attention, have many friends and how
to find the latest party. :?

Everything was going great I thought. I had my friends, a lovely boyfriend, a funny job, I was skinny and in
good shape and I had made everyone believe that my life was perfect ... well everyone but my self, that last point wasnt really important. :oops:

The sad thing was just that I had a huge fight in my head. I was playing a game that I hated my self for. I hated how shallow I had become and I hated the fact that the more shallow I became the more attention and appreciation I seemed to get. There were two sides in my head fighting and I didnt know how to get out.

The same thing has happend in my head twice since I started participating within Desteni. The two times when I have trusted my fears and decided that "no I cant do this, I am too afriad and I need to believe in my fears because they protect me and show me the way"

I have two options really:
1. close my eyes and keep playing the game I always hated while millions of people starve to death OR
2. do this process even if it means that I might scare people away, I will have to admit my secrets and I will have to dedicate myself.

So, what do I fear about my participation? - It is a lot of things so lets start with the most prominent one:
Losing friends
Okay so what will happen if I would lose all my friends?
I might not be invited to parties - do I enjoy myself at parties now a days? - NO, so no loss there.
I might not have anyone to go for walks with - do I feel good when I speak to someone? - YES, why? well it is kind of a physical thing to do and it helps me get ut of my mind for a while. This leads me to the next question: Cant I do this with colleagues, people at the store, people where I workout? - Well yes but not in the same way ... hmm ... do I really need deap converstions where I speak about problems amongst friends or life and death: well not really.
There is a specific friend that I miss who has stopped calling since I started participating here - Should I keep playing my old game and compromising myself just so that I can hang out with this person a few times a year? - Hmmm NOO.
There is an other person who is close to me through family - She reminds me so much about myself and how I behaved one year ago. I wish I could be close to her BUT I have been thinking about this and it is really just about me missing my old life ... and I cant go back to the way things was anyway. (Somehow we tend to remember the good parts and miss all the pain that came with it.)

And also: Everyone might not disapper, that is also just one of my thoughts/fears that is not to be trusted.

Anyway, Ill keep working on the friendpart but as Bernard said: is there even a decision to be made? OMG, I dont know who I have been trying to fool. When reading through what is written above I am actually amaized how those things are even relevant to me. I am blogging for sponsorship!
User avatar
Lindsay
Posts: 1664
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 19:50

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Lindsay »

as Bernard said: is there even a decision to be made? OMG, I dont know who I have been trying to fool. When reading through what is written above I am actually amaized how those things are even relevant to me. I am blogging for sponsorship!
lol Elin - you've only ever been fooling yourself - so indeed, time to get real - awesome you are taking this step for yourself and blogging for sponsorship!

ENJOY
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

Thank you Lindsey! I am looking forward to this journey where I eventually will understand what the difference is between: living in the present as an expressive, selfdirective person AND living through my mind.

I have not been aware of how many fears that has controlled me through life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by fears
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my life because of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the fears are real instead of realizing that the fear is only real if I accept and allow the feeling that occurs within me if the thing I fear emerge. Meaning: If I for example fear losing my job, the only thing I fear is the emotion inside of me of being a failiure that might occur. Since I am the creator I dont need to fear that emotion.

Fear has actually made me hate my self. I dont like what I have become but I cant blame myself I can only start somewhere. The only thing that has kept me away from going full out directly is fear. I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear, the thing that has controlled my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to listen to my fears instead of common sense.
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

The balance with Desteni and my own life

I have seen it as two seperate things which I now see that it isnt.
I have had a hard time talking about my participation because of other peoples reactions. What I have not quite grasped is the fact that it is really just common sense and selfhonesty. The rest is just information explaining to us how we have been bainwashed, how the system function and what we can do to make a change. And selfforgivness is really just a tool. Being a responsible humanbeing, not controlled by her feelings and emotions but instead walking a way where she learns how to express her self in the physical ... is really nothing to be ashame of ... wow, well we are afriad of the unknown but the more we understand, the clearer it gets.

As it is right now, I am ofcourse expressing a lot of feelings and emotions when I talk to people because of everything that I have built up through the years, but that is expression as well and needs to be expressed so that I can look at different phenomenon.
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

Is it most effective to deal with one thing at a time?

It is so tempting right now to jump to other problems that I need to deal with ... like for example my food addiction. (I am constantly eating something to stimulate my mind. It doesnt show that much on my body. I work out every day so that I can keep on with my food addiction) - Maybe that is a later issue to deal with? It might be more effective to stick with the fear of other peoples oppinions point, where I have a tendency to put my self in a position where i am seperated from other people. I make myself inferior or superior or mad or sad IF I dont get along with other people, meaning: we dont have a perfect match where our conversations just flow like the wind and we agree on everything and like eachother. I want to learn to talk to people without a lot of feelings7emotions involved where I put a value on me and the other person instea of seeing or conversations as just what it is: a conversation where we express our self and we help eachoter to find solutions or whatever.

Also, is there something I should do or think about when applying for sponsorship? Has anyone seen any behaviour within my earlier writings that I could consider ... to be more effective I mean? Something that I might have missed?

Anna is the one that has helped me the most so I am guessing that I will apply for sponsorship where she is my buddy? I would like that. But if that is not possible then someone else is perfectly fine aswell.

I know that I have been full of shit or ... no ... full of fear. And I guess that it is effective for me if I follow some sort of scheme so that I dont write only when I feel like it or when I need it or when I have experienced something outstanding.

Also, when I am not a student anymore I will ofcourse pay for sponsorship ... if i recive it through my writing s here that is
User avatar
Lindsay
Posts: 1664
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 19:50

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Lindsay »

Yes Elin, take on one point at a time. Look at what is most prominent, like you have noted, and just start writing.

You have a tendency to think a lot about 'what to do' instead of simply doing it, which definitely ties into you placing a lot of concern in what people think of you, thus you want to get things perfect BEFORE doing the task, which isn't practical nor realistic, instead of allowing yourself to walk in real-time for yourself - unconditionally - so, suggest to let all that go, pick a point and walk it through with self-writing, to completion - meaning, write it out, self-forgive the points that arise within/throughout your writing, and write out for yourself the self-corrective statements as blueprints that you will assist yourself with when and as you see yourself in these types of situations again.

You have had more than enough assistance/support to do this for yourself quite effectively and we're here to further assist/support you as you walk yourself in writing here.

There isn't any particular 'scheme' in relation to blogging for sponsorship - it's simple - blog/write consistently, at least once a week, but suggest more if you're able.

Stick to breath, slowing down, and not allowing yourself to meander in your mind.

Once you have received sponsorship we can then take a look at your buddy options - for now, allow yourself to discipline yourself in your writing application, being consistent, and applying yourself practically in your day to day reality.

Have fun and enjoy!
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

You have had more than enough assistance/support to do this for yourself quite effectively and we're here to further assist/support you as you walk yourself in writing here.
Thank you for telling me straight! I have all the tools and understandings that I need. The reason I have not applied effectively have been because I have listen to my fears and my feelings and emotions.

I forgive my self for prolonging this process and by doing so burden other people.
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

You have a tendency to think a lot about 'what to do' instead of simply doing it, which definitely ties into you placing a lot of concern in what people think of you, thus you want to get things perfect BEFORE doing the task, which isn't practical nor realistic
I felt ashamed after reading Lindseys comments. Which was a good thing because it helped me see how I function.

(I am on a visit at my mums place. She is taking a course to become a mindfullness instructor and she wanted me to do a practis right the moment this emotion occured in me. Well, I dont agree with this mindfullness thing but it made me observe where the emotion "shame" is centered. I think it is in the chest area and I was able to stop it and bring myself back here)

Anyway, shame has been an emotion following me in my everyday life, hitting me over and over again and my first step here is to push through the feeling of shame when I am admitting this.

I am glad that you/Lindsey said this because it really make sense. Part of my shame is because I think and think and think and analyse ... instead of acting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a "thinker"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identifie myself as a thinker and by doing so boosting this side within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a shamed about being a thinker instead of simply stopping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create spirits/climate in conversations with others because of what is going on in my mind instead of simply stopping.

I forgive myself for being ashamed of being ashamed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my biggest problem as something that is too fucked up to even deal with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that my problem with "thinking to much" is worse than any other problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a value on this issue and by doing so seperating myself from eveyone else and everything else that happens in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people will think of me when they read this. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this fear as if I would be excluded from all personal contact just because I admitt this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this fear and by doing so not giving myself any possibility to release myself from it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in this moment, wish that someone will read this and answer me that I am normal and that I am okay.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give this to myself. I have common sense within me and I dont need other peoples verification
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need other peoples verification to be worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself dependent on other peoples verification
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden other people because I/me/myself allow myself to stay in fear and stay in thoughtpatterns that is not profitible to anyone.

THIS IS IT - this is why I am ashamed, this is why I make myself seperate from other people, this is why I am filled with so much fear of what other people will think of me. I AM ASHAMED OF THINKING TO MUCH

I stop, I direct, I am the creator and I forgive myself for not letting myself try this out for my self. Try for my self and see if it actually is possible to stop.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what has been is what always must be.
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

Acting insead of thinking

Okey so if I am benefitting from acting instead of thinking about acting then thats what I will do. A thought came to my mind and since I do have the time right now to act out through writing then thats what I will do.

One more reason why I have been ashamed in my life:
Shame is a receipt/ an evidens that I am doing something that I do not aprove of. I want to be a responsible human being. I want to be able to read my posts and know that I have been effective and that I have done everything that I am capable of. Earlier in life I have seen things that I have done that I dont aprove of but I have not had any guidelines and that is why I have not been able to stop the emotion of shame. I do now have guidlines so I will no longer live in shame since I will take my responsibility for all the shit that I have accepted through out my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at other people and envy them instead of finding out why it is that I envy this people and then take action so that i can become the person that I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cant be all the things that i envy in other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at my name "Elin Liss" and see a person smacked with thoughts, worries, defience, irrisponsibility, shame and confusion instead of just seeing a name that has all possibilities in the world to make a change.
User avatar
Elin Liss
Posts: 84
Joined: 05 Jan 2012, 15:46

Re: Elin blogging for sponsorship

Post by Elin Liss »

Learning to give myself validation

My last boyfriend noticed this is me, how I would reject him when he gave me attention and when he didnt, thats when I would cring around trying to make him see me, giving him hugs and kisses.

One of the reasons I stoped drinking alcohol is because of the length I was willing to go just to get attention from guys. When I had alcohol in my body there were nothing stopping me.

I saw this behaviour as "bad selfasteem" and I thought that I had to like my self more. I read an article in a healthmagazin the other day that said: tell your self that you are good enough just the way you are. Do this everynight infront of the mirror and eventually you will believe in it - Tips from a health expert. When I saw it I was just amazed ... or no I was not amazed but I thought it was a good exampel of how much shit we are fed with through the media and basicallyl through our low knowledge about how the mind works. Anyway, a few years ago I would actually do this and believe in it.

You cant give yourself validation if you know that you are deceiving
To need validation is a need to boost the ego, a need to know that my mind is okay, my system is alright. It could also be a fear, a fear of losing something or missing out on something. You want the experiences and you are afriad of losing them. Validation is an energetic boost that feeds the mind.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to walk around with knowledge and not applying which has led me to a state of "bad selfasteem"
I forgive myself for suppressing things that I know because of fear and because of an urge to have experiences.
Before I found Desteni it was the same thing really, I always did things so that I would gain something. My actions were fueled by fear and a longing for the next energetic high.

Everything is connected
I can connect this to my foodissues. If I simply ate what my physical body need, stopped the fixation about my body as if my looks were the only reason that I need to stop this behaviour of mine and didnt allow myself to constantly eat something which I KNOW i am able to avoid - then I wouldnt be so damn dissapointed at myself.

But lets connect this to my prominent issue - shame, separation (infiriority) and a need for other peoples validation
I have not been able to give myself validation because I know that my actions have been "egoistic once". When I speek to someone nowadays I worry that someone might notice how much I am thinking - this makes me keep myself in control and do exactly what I know is okey by the book, ethicaly/moraly. So that no one will notice how confused I really am.

How can I dare to express when I know that I am full of shit?
This is where I need to be gentle and go slow ... but how is that done in real life? How can I practice this for real and not just letting this be beautiful words?
I KNOW - when I am thinking about this issue I am picturing my self talking to people at work because that is where I am uncomfortible (because of my fear of losing my job). I have always had a tendency to go out hard, full on directly. LOL, I see why, it is because I soooo want to lose the uncomfortible emotin inside of me and Iam thinking that if I do the things that I fear the most then the feeling will go away. But it is not such a good idea to apply for a marathon before you can walk. This is what I have thought because by doing so I have thought that I will lose the uncomfortible emotion of not being worthy and at the same time have a great boost. So the times when I have seen myself as brave and "good" I have actually just been stupid.
SOO - I have the answer (always so fucking obvious when I realise something) I will have to practice to express myself at a place where I dont have so many fears and when i am ready I will take it to the next level. Maybe I could try to REALLY let lose at a party for example - a party is a place where people allow them self to be morons so that is a perfect place to practice. Letting my words flow like water at a place where I wont lose something that involves money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be gentle and go slow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a value on myself where I value myself more if i do more of the things that needs to be done instead of simply doing what I can, when I have the time and be true to myself.
The process (or schoolwork for that matter) is something that is done because it has to be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do schoolwork and Desteniprocess to be "good"

The cool thing now is that I dont need to run to the computer and see if someone has "approved" what i have written because i know within myself that I am doing what i can (some more selfforgivness is required though) so I will go back when i have the time to write.

Thats what I will do, write when i have the time and not stop myself because of fear ... or laziness for that matter. And the startingpoint must be to release mindconstructions and not to be "a good girl". The good girl construct is funny because I have never wanted to be a "good girl" I have always wanted to be a "cool girl" but I have ended up in the "good girl construct" because of fear. Fear of I how I will see myself if I dont do what needs to be done. Thats what fear is always about - fear of an emotion - fear of something that isnt even true. Funny how we fear that something will happen to us when we are infact the creators of our feelings and emotions.
Post Reply

Return to “DIP Pro Sponsorship Program”