Yesterday, i allowed myself to drink alcohol, smoke weed and "hang out" with some friends as I had already taken care of my practical day to day things. I realized on my way home that I had simply wasted many hours and that it was not self honest or supportive to decide to go out and get stoned and drunk. I went to bed and woke up this morning feeling a bit of a hangover and pretty lazy. I used this as an excuse to not be productive once again and just wasted more time slothing around. This time i found it harder to pretend that I can escape myself by doing nothing, drinking, smoking and having as much fun as possible. I had slowed down enough to notice how doing nothing and escapist enjoyment is actually making me deny what i have become and feel anxious about worsening it.
Something else i noticed after applying self forgiveness is that I went from feeling lazy and fear to joy and happiness. I stopped this "happy energy" as I saw that I was using self forgiveness as a way to just make me happy by removing the burden of guilt. This i realize is no different from using drugs and friends to just make me happy instead of using self forgiveness as a way of realizing and embracing self. Thats all i will share for now and thanks for your support.
Why do i gamble? I love winning but hate loosing even though I loose most of the time.
Why do i gamble if I hate it most of the time? because I believe I can win- when I loose, I would gamble more to try and turn the hate into love.
Why do I believe I can win when I always loose? after loosing, I would think of another way to win, then loose again and make the same excuse- so clearly I just want to gamble- feel the energy experience ( its quite a kick when all your money is riding on one spin he he )
I forgive myself for allowing myself to risk loosing money
I forgive myself for allowing myself to harm my family through gambling
I forgive myself for allowing myself to give gambling enough importance to keep in my life despite my history with it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not make the decision of stopping gambling entirely
I forgive myself for allowing myself to gamble even though I hate it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can win from gambling
I forgive myself for allowing myself to risk more money after loosing some
I forgive myself for allowing myself to make excuses to keep gambling
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