So its been a few days since I have smoked weed, drank alcohol or masturbated. I just experienced myself allowing thoughts pushing me to smoke weed or masturbate. It built up and I applied self forgiveness with the intent of doing it anyway.
Cool Sadoon. Remember: this is not a 'negative' or 'positive' thing. You're taking small steps here in being able to identify exactly what you're doing energetically, and the fact that you have left a what's called a 'back-door' within the acceptance and allowance of the 'intenet on doing it anyways'. Give yourself some credit here for doing self-forgiveness even though you thought it was in vain, and realize it was not.
Everyone has to walk through their consequences, which is what it looks like you are experiencing within what you express in your post. You accepted and allowed the energy to build up, which left you with two choices: fall, or stand up as Life. If you stand up it will feel like shit at times, because you have to walk through the things that you would normally suppress with weed and masturbating. But each time you choose to walk, you build your strength and resolve and your ability to keep it up.
. I noticed that this self forgiveness was not effective as I felt self hate and powerlessness about participating in these points
This doesn't mean your forgiveness wasn't effective! In fact, if you are experiencing these feelings it could be because you are uncovering things about you that you've been hiding- you're facing the parts of you that have suppressed who you really are, and it you find yourself angry with yourself, you're probably on the right track. We have all abused ourselves extensively through our participations in our minds, and the things is, deep down, we knew what we were doing, so there's a lot of anger. Sunette has explained that anger is really the only authentic emotion, and it can be chanelled to kick ourselves in the ass when we need it. You describe self-hate. That is NOT necessary. Anger- ok, but self-hate diminishes you because you are innoncence as life. We are all innocent as all Life is innocence, but we were ignorant and we fucked up. So, the point is to take responsibility for that ignorance by forgiving the fuck-up and to CHANGE it by walking the process of self-transformation that we're walking.
Another thing it may (or may not) take some getting used to is to STOP relying on your internal experience to tell you when something is right or wrong, because, it's pretty much the opposite! What I mean is- you based the idea that your self-forgiveness wasn't effective on the fact that you experienced self-hate inside- but as I've explained, negative feelings usually indicate you are actually on the right track, because you're mind/ego is feeling a 'threat' because you are revealing it, and so you as a mind/ego will react and do anything to stop you from exposing yourself- such as feeling negative things. The feelings aren't real, they are like smoke and mirrors- a magic trick that you make real by believing them and believing them to be who you are. But it's all just energy, and it's possible to stop your participation within it.
So when you feel powerless, realize it's just an energetic experience, it's not real, and you actually have all the power you need.
I tried returning to breathing with no real intent of keeping myself out of this energetic drive- so I accepted that I am directed by these points.
Realizing the extent of our enslavement is a necessary part of this process. It's not to react to it or to feel bad or discouraged- it's not necessary to 'accept' that you are directed by these points. The point is to realize it, see it, understand it- because that gives you 'leverage' in a way, wherein you will get to the point where you're like "Fuck That! I Will NOT accept or allow these point to direct me ANYMORE!' -and then you stand.
Nevertheless, I thought to myself "before I do anything, at least go to the forum for a little reality check"- so I went to the forum and started reading the support I have received, removing my attention to these points. It made me slow down enough to be able to be aware of my breathing and now I am past that specific energetic possession and realize that I am allowing myself to give these points so much importance in my life that I deliberately sabotaged the removal of these points by not stopping thoughts and feelings driving me towards these points when and as they arise. It seems to me that since I entertained these thoughts, the energetic possession only increased until I finally put my attention elsewhere. However in the moment, I clearly did not allow myself to return to breath without the support of reading what I have become on this forum which is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the energetic experience of masturbation and smoking weed above my well being and stability.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts directing me towards the energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed even though it only makes the energetic drive to grow stronger and inevitably possesses my mind so that I do not think of anything else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply self forgiveness with the intention of allowing the energetic experience I get from weed and masturbation to direct me further away from myself as the directive principle.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in stopping participation with the points of masturbation and weed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed because it makes me hate myself and makes me not want to forgive myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts and feelings driving me toward the energetic rush of smoking weed and masturbation through allowing myself to pay attention to every moment of breath and breathing through the possession towards stability
Awesome forgiveness! (and cool support from Barbara above)
Keep it up Sadoon- constant, consistent application is what this process is all about- results guaranteed!