In the past month much has been revealed about self deception and sabotage. I have walked some points but fallen on others and it has now become clear that much of this is due to a dishonest starting point. I knew of the danger of starting from a point of energy/mind but didn't realize that this was exactly my starting point. I think that revealing self deception is what makes the self agreement stronger but I know that there is still much self deception to be encountered. But as this deception gets revealed through writing, the starting point is more self honest and aware though not entirely. Walking the process and falling on decisions and writing self forgiveness has given me more perspective on what it actually means to change. Some points of self forgiveness I am doing again because I have not done it with much real perspective as to what it means.
When I first commit to and walk a realization, everything is cool and I think I'm already changed. I know that change has to be walked in time but falling for that false sense of security is a habit that I have allowed myself to exist as. Because I 'see so clearly' in those moments, it just seems like I'm never going to fall lol - I watched an interview of Sunette 'When realizations become ego' and it made clear that change takes action and when I think I have changed simply by realizing something and not having walked it, it is just ego talking. I considered why I would think that realizing is equal to changing- a few things I have considered. I'm used to being in the mind where there is no time and I am not subject to any limitations so I am different in that moment but this 'change' is based on a delusion since I am 'in' a physical reality and not 'in' my mind and therefore I am subject to the laws of space-time and to change means to walk realizations breath by breath. This delusion has been easy for me to fall into since I have always perceived myself as the mind and therefore I have allowed myself to exist as the pattern of existing as the 'content of my mind' in any moment when really- I am the constant of my physical self that has become physically fucked and to change that takes time. Also it is more self deceptive in the sense that I want to be changed in that moment and therefore disregard the fact that change is not determined by how I feel or think but rather measured by my participation in time. This has made my starting point of my self agreement a point of deception since it does not reflect the reality of how I change.
To change means to stop that which I exist as. I had not realized what this really means. I have to stop being me/ have to loose myself- 'me' who I fear loosing more than anything. The 'me' I exist as is not really me but the system of energies and ego and mind when the 'real' me is the physical me so I would not 'really' be loosing me. But since I have accepted and allowed myself to be exist as an energetic system, change is met with self deception. Reason being, I have not known myself as anything else than the mind/ego so 'I' do not want to change and 'I' will try everything possible to stop me from loosing 'myself'. So I didn't realize that I actually 'am' what I am trying to loose and therefore I cannot make a self agreement from the starting point of ego, as I have stated in the above paragraph. I have to actually start as the real (as real as I can get) me and live as the real me. From this I understand more the importance of breath and why I must live as breath since when I am in the mind, I become that which is fighting to remain in power and therefore make it impossible to change.
This self deception is at its worst when it is in forms of 'justifications', but more accurately, excuses. Again, this wouldn't happen if I am in breath since justifications are a product of the mind fighting for survival. I use all sorts of reason and rational that support self interest and happen to be very convincing. These are not to be trusted and should be completely disregarded. The idea of needing a motivation plays a big part in self deception since walking whats best for all is very simple- in that it is just meeting the requirements of physical reality and requires no thought process or reason as motivation. Justifications as a mind process gives reason behind action and makes it seem plausible to participate in the mind since the mind gives me 'good reasons'- this shows that justification in itself is just a trick to continue to exist as ego and there is no excuse to participate in thought debate since it is completely unnecessary for doing whats best.
Resistance is less deceptive but more forceful. It comes as a physical energetic feeling. This happens when I'm stopping the mind with breath and the mind is trying to pull me back. As long as I have still not removed the systems, I will create resistance to stop this removal. At least resistance proves that I have still not transcended a point and it is something that I must expect for years to come in my process. Being in false realizations of change, resistance is completely unexpected. This is another way that these ego realizations are self deceptive because resistance then becomes an excuse like ' OK so I haven't changed'- when really, I was in the middle of changing by actually walking through time and experiencing resistance on the way. The starting point of believing that I can change in the moment and not experience resistance, keeps change from happening as within that starting point I do not realize that change means walking through resistance.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself realize what it means to change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I 'feel' changed in a moment, it is self deceptive as change is not determined by how I feel or think but by my participation in physical time, breath by breath, year by year
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I feel like 'I will never fall', I am actually existing as the mind and taking for granted that I am and will always be the content of my mind in that moment when in fact the content of my mind is subject to change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to change myself, I must remove what I currently am to myself and therefore I will experience self deception and resistance as I have accepted and allowed myself to exist equal to that which must be removed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing what I have perceived to be me even though I exist as abuse and delusion in that self perception
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my personality is a self creation and self delusions and are not me in fact
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as that which I am not
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have created justifications as a form of self deception so that I can continue to exist as the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that justifications are only convincing because they support self interest and I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self interest
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that reason and justifications are self deceptive as walking whats best for all is simply meeting the requirements of the physical and does not need reason or justification
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my reason and justification is not trustworthy as it has become a tool of validating self interest and violating whats best for all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that resistance does not mean that I have not changed but rather it shows that the mind is resisting the change that I am implementing in that moment and is therefore an opportunity to walk a point of self correction and change
I realize that change is the process I am walking and not the information I realize. It is the process of birthing myself as the physical and stopping myself from existing as the mind and personality. I realize that my starting point is not based on a feeling, reason, justification or thought as these are products of the mind but rather it is based on the realization that I am physical life. I realize that committing to stopping the mind within the starting point of the mind is self deceptive and is not allowed. I commit myself to a starting point of breath in the realization that I am physical life and not the mind system of energy, habits and personality.
I realize that my reason, justification, feelings and thoughts are not trustworthy as they are products of the mind that support self interest and the system of my personality. I realize that they are not necessary as I am walking the process of doing whats best for all which is simply attending to the requirements of the physical and thought processes only arise to neglect this responsibility and to support energy and self interest. When and as reason and justification arise that support the mind, I stop, breathe and bring myself back to physical reality in the realization that any 'reason' to participate as the mind, is in itself a trick that, I as the mind am using to continue to exist as the energy of the mind and not as that which I am in fact: physical life.