Sadoon

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Garbrielle
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Garbrielle » 01 May 2012, 06:31

great support here, thanks



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Sadoon
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Joined: 23 Apr 2012, 03:51

Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Sadoon » 01 May 2012, 22:20

I allow myself to hate myself

So its been a few days since I have smoked weed, drank alcohol or masturbated. I just experienced myself allowing thoughts pushing me to smoke weed or masturbate. It built up and I applied self forgiveness with the intent of doing it anyway. I noticed that this self forgiveness was not effective as I felt self hate and powerlessness about participating in these points. Still being within the thoughts and feelings driven by these points, I tried returning to breathing with no real intent of keeping myself out of this energetic drive- so I accepted that I am directed by these points.

Nevertheless, I thought to myself "before I do anything, at least go to the forum for a little reality check"- so I went to the forum and started reading the support I have received, removing my attention to these points. It made me slow down enough to be able to be aware of my breathing and now I am past that specific energetic possession and realize that I am allowing myself to give these points so much importance in my life that I deliberately sabotaged the removal of these points by not stopping thoughts and feelings driving me towards these points when and as they arise. It seems to me that since I entertained these thoughts, the energetic possession only increased until I finally put my attention elsewhere. However in the moment, I clearly did not allow myself to return to breath without the support of reading what I have become on this forum which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the energetic experience of masturbation and smoking weed above my well being and stability.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts directing me towards the energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed even though it only makes the energetic drive to grow stronger and inevitably possesses my mind so that I do not think of anything else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply self forgiveness with the intention of allowing the energetic experience I get from weed and masturbation to direct me further away from myself as the directive principle.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in stopping participation with the points of masturbation and weed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed because it makes me hate myself and makes me not want to forgive myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts and feelings driving me toward the energetic rush of smoking weed and masturbation through allowing myself to pay attention to every moment of breath and breathing through the possession towards stability

So, writing these points out certainly supports me and I will keep it up!



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barbara
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby barbara » 02 May 2012, 10:23

Hi Sadoon!

Cool realizations you've come to!

I would proceed with the following self-forgiveness statement and carry on from what you have already written with some more detail:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed because it makes me hate myself and makes me not want to forgive myself
for example:
i forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by not-stopping myself within the participation in the first thought, idea, inner picture or feeling/desire suggesting masturbation. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize the very moment the thought/idea/picture/feeling/desire turned up and instead let the energy of the thought/picture/idea or feeling/desire build up until I felt overwhelmed and possessed by the energy.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to investigate in specificity what the wording of the thought is suggesting my participation in masturbation and thus give my self-direction over to, so as to be able to recognize it as soon as it presents itself and I can stop myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to investigate in specificity how the idea of masturbating in this moment presents itself wherein I feel driven to follow through with it against initial resolutions toward the contrary.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my resolution to stop was made within the starting point of not-wanting to hate myself after masturbation and an unwillingness to forgive myself afterwards and so I sabotaged myself.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see within specificity how I sabotage myself and therein also have a look at my motivations and fears that underlie the event and pattern.

Just some suggestions to get you delving in deeper.

You can also ask yourself what you experience within specific words that 'entice' you to masturbate or smoke weed, because words hold programs and definitions that we have allowed to become our directive principle; look at memories and feelings/emotions attached to them, write them out and release them.

So, enjoy and carry on and thanks for sharing.



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KimKline
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby KimKline » 02 May 2012, 15:38

So its been a few days since I have smoked weed, drank alcohol or masturbated. I just experienced myself allowing thoughts pushing me to smoke weed or masturbate. It built up and I applied self forgiveness with the intent of doing it anyway.


Cool Sadoon. Remember: this is not a 'negative' or 'positive' thing. You're taking small steps here in being able to identify exactly what you're doing energetically, and the fact that you have left a what's called a 'back-door' within the acceptance and allowance of the 'intenet on doing it anyways'. Give yourself some credit here for doing self-forgiveness even though you thought it was in vain, and realize it was not.

Everyone has to walk through their consequences, which is what it looks like you are experiencing within what you express in your post. You accepted and allowed the energy to build up, which left you with two choices: fall, or stand up as Life. If you stand up it will feel like shit at times, because you have to walk through the things that you would normally suppress with weed and masturbating. But each time you choose to walk, you build your strength and resolve and your ability to keep it up.
. I noticed that this self forgiveness was not effective as I felt self hate and powerlessness about participating in these points
This doesn't mean your forgiveness wasn't effective! In fact, if you are experiencing these feelings it could be because you are uncovering things about you that you've been hiding- you're facing the parts of you that have suppressed who you really are, and it you find yourself angry with yourself, you're probably on the right track. We have all abused ourselves extensively through our participations in our minds, and the things is, deep down, we knew what we were doing, so there's a lot of anger. Sunette has explained that anger is really the only authentic emotion, and it can be chanelled to kick ourselves in the ass when we need it. You describe self-hate. That is NOT necessary. Anger- ok, but self-hate diminishes you because you are innoncence as life. We are all innocent as all Life is innocence, but we were ignorant and we fucked up. So, the point is to take responsibility for that ignorance by forgiving the fuck-up and to CHANGE it by walking the process of self-transformation that we're walking.

Another thing it may (or may not) take some getting used to is to STOP relying on your internal experience to tell you when something is right or wrong, because, it's pretty much the opposite! What I mean is- you based the idea that your self-forgiveness wasn't effective on the fact that you experienced self-hate inside- but as I've explained, negative feelings usually indicate you are actually on the right track, because you're mind/ego is feeling a 'threat' because you are revealing it, and so you as a mind/ego will react and do anything to stop you from exposing yourself- such as feeling negative things. The feelings aren't real, they are like smoke and mirrors- a magic trick that you make real by believing them and believing them to be who you are. But it's all just energy, and it's possible to stop your participation within it.
So when you feel powerless, realize it's just an energetic experience, it's not real, and you actually have all the power you need.
I tried returning to breathing with no real intent of keeping myself out of this energetic drive- so I accepted that I am directed by these points.
Realizing the extent of our enslavement is a necessary part of this process. It's not to react to it or to feel bad or discouraged- it's not necessary to 'accept' that you are directed by these points. The point is to realize it, see it, understand it- because that gives you 'leverage' in a way, wherein you will get to the point where you're like "Fuck That! I Will NOT accept or allow these point to direct me ANYMORE!' -and then you stand.
Nevertheless, I thought to myself "before I do anything, at least go to the forum for a little reality check"- so I went to the forum and started reading the support I have received, removing my attention to these points. It made me slow down enough to be able to be aware of my breathing and now I am past that specific energetic possession and realize that I am allowing myself to give these points so much importance in my life that I deliberately sabotaged the removal of these points by not stopping thoughts and feelings driving me towards these points when and as they arise. It seems to me that since I entertained these thoughts, the energetic possession only increased until I finally put my attention elsewhere. However in the moment, I clearly did not allow myself to return to breath without the support of reading what I have become on this forum which is unacceptable.
Awesome!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the energetic experience of masturbation and smoking weed above my well being and stability.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts directing me towards the energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed even though it only makes the energetic drive to grow stronger and inevitably possesses my mind so that I do not think of anything else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply self forgiveness with the intention of allowing the energetic experience I get from weed and masturbation to direct me further away from myself as the directive principle.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in stopping participation with the points of masturbation and weed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energetic possession of masturbation and smoking weed because it makes me hate myself and makes me not want to forgive myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop participation with thoughts and feelings driving me toward the energetic rush of smoking weed and masturbation through allowing myself to pay attention to every moment of breath and breathing through the possession towards stability
Awesome forgiveness! (and cool support from Barbara above)

Keep it up Sadoon- constant, consistent application is what this process is all about- results guaranteed!



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Sadoon
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Sadoon » 02 May 2012, 15:52

thanks again guys!



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Sadoon
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Sadoon » 02 May 2012, 21:22

JUST WRITE

So today I had "nothing to do" for a little while. I thought to myself "well do something.. at least start writing self forgiveness" I felt a resistance to writing and thought "I don't even know what to write"- I recognized this was a resistance so I decided to at least forgive the point of resisting writing self forgiveness. Then more points started to arise as I was writing this point. I realized that there are a lifetime of points to forgive and many of these revealed themselves through the momentum of just starting to write- I then became more aware of the power of self forgiveness and writing it out and I realize that so far in my process, I have not utilized these tools as well as I could. Up to today, I have only been writing out self forgiveness on the particular points I'm working on and have failed to see that self forgiveness applied to other points that I'm not necessarily tackling full on at the moment, assist and support me walking the points I'm currently implementing. Then by simply walking my day, I was able to recognize more points as they arise that I should apply self forgiveness to and I spent a lot of my time saying self forgiveness to myself, and that also helped me realize that there are so many points to apply self forgiveness to and when I think that there is nothing to write about- it is simply resistance-- here are some of the forgiveness' I wrote today:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing out self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not writing self forgiveness with the statement of "I don't know what to write" even though the statement in itself is a point of resistance to which I can start writing self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist using effort to walk my commitments as a way of decreasing my directed participation with the physical and allowing an increased participation with mind energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bored when I am participating with my commitments to the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bored when I am not participating in mind energy.

Ill share more in future, bye.



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Sadoon
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Sadoon » 04 May 2012, 06:11

Agitated, frustrated, and self forgiveness.

Most of my day is now 'free' as usually I spend all day every day participating in energetic 'drives' and 'escape'. So I have been coming across a lot of resistance in terms of stopping these 'drives' and replacing them with better use of time.

'Spare time' is one of the things that I react to by participating in energetic 'fixes' like watching TV all day or getting high and therefore I am finding them coming up more. I have been stopping the thoughts as they arise, but I would still feel agitated and frustrated for no apparent reason- a sort of 'churning' in my belly. It was a sort of feeling of being 'unfulfilled' and I would usually react to this with some sort of energetic fix. I then realized that this feeling was my way of convincing myself to get energy from somewhere, somehow. I started writing self forgiveness and it almost immediately started to go. After stopping the feelings of discomfort, I went for a walk while applying self forgiveness and found that to be supportive in returning to the point of stability of walking my decision. Also doing yoga postures I have found to be supportive in being aware of the physical body, breath and stopping these cravings.

Looking back on today, it was probably the 'easiest' one yet as in the past, I have only been 'sitting out' these cravings but writing self forgiveness, applying self forgiveness while walking and doing yoga I have found to be great assistance in stopping these cravings.



Maya
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:56

Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Maya » 04 May 2012, 09:49

Cool Sadoon.
Yes, writing self forgiveness and Breathing as the corrective action IS the Key for self transformation.



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Sadoon
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Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby Sadoon » 09 May 2012, 22:24

Standing and falling dependent on context

In the first week or so of my process I was visiting and living with a friend who is busy most of the day leaving me in a pretty chill environment. The city itself is also very still compared to London (where I live) and I found staying there very supportive in slowing down and walking my points. When I returned, I had not anticipated that my process was only walked within the context of an environment which is completely opposite to my home and city and therefore would find new challenges in walking the same points in the context of my everyday normal life. All the patterns that didn't show on my little holiday emerged out of my 'ordinary' conduct, as in- from opening the front door of my home, I would routinely go straight to the fridge. With a plate of food, I would go straight to the TV. With a full belly, I would go straight to a cigarette and soon enough, I was reliving my patterns from waking up to sleeping. So it occurred to me that these patterns are my per-established ways of interacting with my particular environment and was feeling disheartened about not transferring my progress with ease and was pretty petty for a little while. Anyway, returning to writing self forgiveness and breathing, interrupts the energy supporting these patterns and I am seeing that these tools are what is re-establishing myself within my relationship to different contexts that emerge different patterns.



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William
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 00:19
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Re: Sadoon's writings

Postby William » 10 May 2012, 04:17

Hi Sadoon - Welcome
was feeling disheartened about not transferring my progress with ease
I remember having these emotions quite a few times myself and in that, I eventually understood that wanting and desiring ourselves to transcend points with ease is actually based on guilt, regret and 'the hero construct' where we have an idea that because we profoundly understand Equality, we judge ourselves within the idea that "I should be able to transcend all these points immediately". Observe yourself within your participation, and when you see a point of deliberate self-dishonesty, stop and breathe and apply self forgiveness. Then if guilt or regret comes up, apply self forgiveness for these points to clear yourself. Do not allow self-judgement to cause you to become disheartened, 'down' or depressed because that is a system designed to keep you suppressed within your mind. Being disheartened is based on an emotional reaction, so don't allow that system to subvert you. Start fresh in each moment within your commitment to become life as Equal.




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