Tom's blog

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Adele
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Adele »

I just wanted to say -Thanks for sharing Tom!
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Tom
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Tom »

Desteni videos

Watching desteni videos became one of my favourite entertainments for the mind. Now, when I started my process I tend to look more at the support presented in terms of practical application and advice for daily living and self forgiveness.
For example I more enjoy now Sunette videos. Before I started writing myself to freedom I didn't like them that much and they seemed a bit boring. I preferred Bernard's videos and his common sense explanations because they were perfectly feeding my ego. I could then repeat what I have heard and pretend I am so smart and know it all. Unfortunately I haven't lived any of those information and it was just me saying this knowledge/information without actually realising it. I wanted others to see this common sense which I have seen in the videos, but it's impossible to just tell that to people when they actually don't want to hear. You need to show them on your own example. So that's what I'm planning to do, just like Maya suggested in her replay. I wanted others to see that, which I tried to share because I didn't want to take responsibility for myself, I wanted others to realize the common sense and then come and save me from myself. In most cases those others were my parents and I got so used to rely on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply common sense solutions such as self forgiveness and writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with desteni material.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the mind bubble perceiving myself as smarter and superior to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself which is fearing facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form opinions and conclusions about desteni in my mind, without writing them and observing common sense within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spread knowledge and information before living them first and testing them myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek saviours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking responsibility for myself because I projected to myself that I will take in the future(wtf! lol!)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put hope and faith in my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form assumptions and opinions about my process and other stuff without first living it at all.
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Tom
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Tom »

Few things
Tom wrote:Tomorrow I am definitely not accepting and allowing myself to fall on the first breath!
Of course I fell on the 1st breath after waking up, because I thought: 'I'm not ready to get up, I'll sleep some more so I can be completely rested, I had a pretty pleasant dream, that I'd like to continue, I'd think about a plan for the day before I get up, It's so comfortable here, I'll dream some more' So I went back to sleep.
I usually don't dream much but when I dream 95% of those dreams are terrifying, and I get completely scared. When I was younger I only had those scary. Usually they are about me running away from someone, trying to escape from some fictional character/monster often connected to the stuff that currently occupied my mind . A lot of times I escaped until I get to an edge of some kind cliff with deep gulf and then realizing I had no way out, but to just jump down. During my falling time I realize it's just a dream so I better wake up before hitting the ground. And I woke up.
I think It shows my fear of not facing and confronting those demons/problems but constantly running away and doing whatever I can not to face them. I always end up choosing to fall then to confront, as I perceive myself to week or inferior.
I also remember many dreams with my tooth 'loosening' I could move my tooth with my tongue and then after some time of me playing with tongue and tooth it falls out. Those dreams of loosing a tooth were really scary to me as well. I had them after watching some desteni videos, and I remember reading on the old forum that they represented loosening of the systems inside me or something like that.

Anyway, whenever I make such statements like the one quoted, I can never keep up with them and end up falling and lying to myself. I had many of those like in 5 years I'm gonna be this or that or have a million dollars. In Poland we have a saying: 'If You want to make god laugh, tell him about your plans'. I think I won't make such statements, hopes, believes, and just do what I have to do.

The point of laziness, I'm currently working on is much more serious then I initially thought. I try pushing myself and breath so I stay here and direct myself. But it's so deeply rooted, that even when I do things I do them so slowly and infective, because I let laziness to direct me for so long. I developed many ticks and habits connected to this laziness they integrated to my expressions. Whenever I think about them I become overwhelmed, so I guess best to just sort the them one by one. Last year when I worked in the construction business, I managed to overcome some of them after few months at least while working. I did that by pushing myself in the physical work and constant 'motivation' by my boss and fellow workers.

Yesterday in the evening I got a fever and felt really sick with some pain in the head. Firstly I asked what does this illness want from me, but after I moment I tried to bring this point to myself and asked, what do I want from this illness? Is it here to help me stay in the physical, to realize that I am here so I can 'feel' it, to help me breath through it? How can I 'direct' it to help me with my process? I observed interesting thing, whenever I focused on the pain and then tried to breath and not think about it, it became easily bearable. But when I moved to the mind and thought that it's really painful, it became painful.
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Tom
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Tom »

Fear of separation

I always wanted to be accepted by people, to be liked by everyone. While meeting people from various places or groups I always try to be/look as much casual as possible, so that it will be hard for anyone to label me or form opinions about me and dislike me. I never wanted to be perceived as someone from subculture group, and didn't want people I know, from different environments to interact, because I fear it would bring conflicts. I don't like conflicts and always try to avoid them. I don't like people talking about me behind my back. I always thought I don't care about what other people think about me, but that is not true in fact. I always tried to get along with people and be on 'good terms' with everyone. I never liked when people form opinions about others, based on their looks or the way they dress. That is why I always dressed casually and kept my hair relatively long, never daring to cut them off completely. I presented different personality to everyone and never revealed 'full cards' of myself to anyone. I was never completely honest with anyone, not even with myself. I thought I am because of all the justifications and excuses I formed but didn't realize I got lost within my bullshits of the mind somewhere on the way. Anyway I cared too much about the presentation of myself. I ended up alone, trying to focus only on myself at this point in my life, trying to help myself. I proved to myself already that I don't need anyone to be friends with and support together in the abuse. I always wanted to have good friends and it was always important to me. It is time to stop worrying what others are thinking about me and what would look good in their eyes. In bringing here EMS most people will certainly have their opinions and it definitely won't look good, in others eyes representing this concept. So it's time to stop occupying my mind with pointless thoughts and worries and do what is right, what is best for all. Living in fear of what others think in their preprogrammed mind and moving myself according to what looks good in the eyes of brainwashed society is certainly not what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people opinions and judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my brainwashed ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to what I suspect, other thinks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care too much what other thinks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident enough about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe friendship is the most important.
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Anna
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Anna »

Whenever I had an urge to smoke a cigarette, I though: 'If I smoke this cigarette, I'll never stop, and I want to stop.'
Awesome Tom!
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tylersr
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by tylersr »

Thanks for sharing, Tom.
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Tom
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Tom »

World of Warcraft (wow)

I was playing this computer game extensively and recently I stopped. I am no longer paying the monthly fee (around 15$) and my account is frozen. I have played this game almost on a daily basis for the past year. I started playing it in 2004 and had 2 major brakes lasting 1-2years. I spent easily a full year (7000+ hours) on this game not counting movies, web researches connected to the game. I was heavily addicted to the game, and it was the most important thing in my life for a long time.
On the 3rd of September when I tried to log I was surprised to see that my account is frozen(subscription expired), because I was sure I had time until 9th. I was preparing myself to stop the game for some time and had made a decision I will never pay for it again(that means I won't play/enter the game world again). When the message of earlier expiration of my account shown I had a moment of disappointment, because I wanted to accomplish few things in the game while I had time. I tried to breath through that moment of disappointment and quickly didn't care about playing wow any more and not accomplishing the things I wanted in those last days of my play. I write 'tried' because I didn't actually breath through it. I suppressed my emotions by immediately switching to another game and occupied my mind with it. I didn't care about wow, because I had another game that I could go and hide behind.

Anyway I stopped playing wow, deleted all the links to web pages from 'favorites' related to the game and I breath whenever ideas, thoughts about the game come to my mind. But there are still over 11 million people that pay for the game so I'll try to describe it's construct and my experience with this game.

You start playing by creating your virtual character that represent you in the world of warcraft, called Azeroth. You can chose your race, appearance and class and basically customize your character so that it is unique. I played a 'priest' because it's a character that can heal others effectively and thus is important in teams and you can get invited easily to groups. Wow is a game where teamplay is the most important aspect, because without others you can't do anything, you cant develope your character without the help of others. So you are exclusively dependent on other players. At the beginning of game you get a tutorial period when you level up your character and get familiar with different abilities you are provided to discover. That tutorial period lasts for about 50-200hours depending on how you play. When you finally reach the experience cap and buy all your abilities from the 'trainer' in the town you can start grouping with people. Game is divided into 2 major parts, pvp (player vs player) and pve (player vs environment). When you reach your maximal level after tutorial period, the only way you can upgrade your character is by obtaining new equipment. Equipment or gear has its unique graphics that is displayed on your character and it has statistics that boost the power of your character. The greatest accomplishment and joy you can get in the game is to stand in one of the cities in the best gear possible to get, and show off, thanking other people for compliments on how good you are. There is no greater excitement then to be the fastest in getting the best gear available. The game is all about competition while working in a team. You compete with your fellow team members (for the gear or for the spot in a team) and you compete with other teams. Whether it's pve or pvp you need to have a group of trusted friends that you can train with in order to overcome the challenges. Pvp is battling other groups of players and pve is battling the encounters predesigned by the game developers. Every few months there is a new content released and new gear available so people can be busy with upgrading their gear all the time. In order to get the best gear possible before the new content is released you have to commit to at least 3-4 games per week, each lasting 3-4 hours. In this time called 'raid' you cooperate with 10-25 other people that you know and were tested before in battling encounters. The latest content is 7 bosses that you try to kill over and over each week(you can kill each of them only once a week). You try to synchronize with your team and defeat the bosses, and once the boss is killed you are rewarded with few gear pieces that you need to distribute by some of your team members. The difficulty of the bosses varies and it takes from few to hundreds of hours in order to synchronize enough and learn the encounter.

I liked this game because when my character obtained new gear I felt better about myself that apparently I am evolving. I put so much value in achievements of killing the bosses before others. I could feed my ego by playing this game and feel more special about myself, because I had a cool character that had good gear. I could separate myself from other players by perceiving them as worse or better then me according to how they hit their keyboard.
Unlike our physical reality the rules in wow are easily understood and I knew that by killing certain bosses enough times I'll get my piece of gear that I dream of. I enjoyed this game because I was aware what I am dealing with within this game and knew all the benefits in the game from different encounters and possible actions I could take. Information and knowledge about the game is commonly available for everyone and you can check every detail of the game with few clicks in the internet. That is why I preferred this game to the real world. Everything was known and path to each of the possible goals was known and you know what you are dealing with. You just had to walk the solution.

Now thanks to desteni the faq / walkthrough to the real-physical world is available which I am grateful for. I don't need to hide any longer, in some strange spots like inside virtual games and achieving meaningless goals in order to entertain my ego and killing time, because I have no idea of purpose of why I am here. Now I have all the answers and all the guidelines I ever needed to what is of value, to what is life, how to bring heaven to earth, how to stop meaningless cycles of abuse that were never studied properly before. Now after finding desteni I have really no excuse not to face myself, not to face what I have created within myself, not to forgive myself of the bullshit I accepted and allowed.
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Tom
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by Tom »

'Mercy is a crime'

So I was wondering recently where does the money come from. Everyone knows money come from the bank, but how come? Who accept and allow the money to come out of the bank, and why? Why are we creating more and more money? If the economic system would work as it is written in books creating more money would have absolutely no impact on anything because prices would perfectly adjust and rise of the same % as the %of the money that is created. But in fact people are becoming poorer so money is created faster then the rising of their wages or/and money is transferred from people to institutions/corporations.
Money is like a savior. People don't want to take responsibility themselves and want somebody to save them. They have problems and they don't want to deal with them, they want them magically to be solved. So they kindly ask banks for the 'miracle jesus on the cloud to save em(that doesn't really exist)'. And banks mercifully give them their savior. Money. Banks don't give the money if no one is asking them for them. If we as people would take responsibility and don't ask banks for money, no more money would be created. But the system is constructed in a way so that you need to borrow more and more money because all the money is debt and you always have to give back more then you borrowed.
For example in usa how the money is created? People want to maintain the war or help some rich people/corporations, so they chose their government people so they can kindly ask for money in their name. Fed give the money and since people didn't adjust the prices/wages quick enough the new money becomes a savior that come and help. But then savior becomes your doom, because you still can't help yourself, still can't take responsibility, the problem persists and then you can't see any way out then to ask for more savior. And the same pattern repeats.
In Poland we have a saying: 'Mercy is a crime'. I never really understood this, I always perceived mercy as something good, positive of a nature of compassion. But in fact giving mercy is harmful because you abuse the universal law of equality, you try to prevent the consequences. Banks are always merciful and will help you, save you, just if you have good will, that means a will to make a profit. Short term you may think its helpful, but in the long run the consequences are unpleasant because u can't cheat equality for ever and the consequences will eventually manifest. Therefor mercy is not what is best for all, it prolongs the inevitable, doesn't stand the test of time and is in fact abuse thus is a crime.
Of course equal money will solve the problem of increasing amounts of money. There would be no need to create money to pay the debt(that can't really be paid anyway) because there will be no debt, and no allowance to gain % from the capital. If people will do good in economy, work effectively and develop more effective methods, the prices will drop and you will be able to afford more goods. Now the economic growth apparently exists but things cost more, people gets poorer, and even if the prices of some goods drops, its quality drops twice as much. There is no common sense in current understanding of economic growth. The only growth that it creates is the growth of trash and rubbish.
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barbara
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Re: Tom's blog

Post by barbara »

Thanks for sharing, Tom!

Interesting concept of mercy being a crime. Mercy has the sound of 'worth' and 'mirth' in it - like engaging in a sort of mirth when placing a specific 'worth' on who one has mercy with - you're worthy of my mercy. Y = why, c = see, mer(th) - why I see mirth in worth ------ creating the polarity of worth - worthless, thus creating something to have mercy on and give oneself mirth from doing so, i.e. giving oneself worth in being merciful.
Indeed a criminal act of abuse against oneself and others!


Interesting also your position within the wow
Tom wrote:I liked this game because when my character obtained new gear I felt better about myself that apparently I am evolving. I put so much value in achievements of killing the bosses before others. I could feed my ego by playing this game and feel more special about myself, because I had a cool character that had good gear. I could separate myself from other players by perceiving them as worse or better then me according to how they hit their keyboard.
Unlike our physical reality the rules in wow are easily understood and I knew that by killing certain bosses enough times I'll get my piece of gear that I dream of. I enjoyed this game because I was aware what I am dealing with within this game and knew all the benefits in the game from different encounters and possible actions I could take. Information and knowledge about the game is commonly available for everyone and you can check every detail of the game with few clicks in the internet. That is why I preferred this game to the real world. Everything was known and path to each of the possible goals was known and you know what you are dealing with. You just had to walk the solution.
Here you could take your realizations w/r/t your choice of placement in wow and write out sf statements to unravel the specificities of your self-definitions, allowances and desires within a group and your position toward 'the real world' / society etc.

Also with your writings in your post:
Tom wrote:Fear of separation

I always wanted to be accepted by people, to be liked by everyone. While meeting people from various places or groups I always try to be/look as much casual as possible, so that it will be hard for anyone to label me or form opinions about me and dislike me. I never wanted to be perceived as someone from subculture group, and didn't want people I know, from different environments to interact, because I fear it would bring conflicts. I don't like conflicts and always try to avoid them. I don't like people talking about me behind my back. I always thought I don't care about what other people think about me, but that is not true in fact. I always tried to get along with people and be on 'good terms' with everyone. I never liked when people form opinions about others, based on their looks or the way they dress. That is why I always dressed casually and kept my hair relatively long, never daring to cut them off completely. I presented different personality to everyone and never revealed 'full cards' of myself to anyone. I was never completely honest with anyone, not even with myself. I thought I am because of all the justifications and excuses I formed but didn't realize I got lost within my bullshits of the mind somewhere on the way. Anyway I cared too much about the presentation of myself. I ended up alone, trying to focus only on myself at this point in my life, trying to help myself. I proved to myself already that I don't need anyone to be friends with and support together in the abuse. I always wanted to have good friends and it was always important to me. It is time to stop worrying what others are thinking about me and what would look good in their eyes. In bringing here EMS most people will certainly have their opinions and it definitely won't look good, in others eyes representing this concept. So it's time to stop occupying my mind with pointless thoughts and worries and do what is right, what is best for all. Living in fear of what others think in their preprogrammed mind and moving myself according to what looks good in the eyes of brainwashed society is certainly not what is best for all.
... you could take up the individual points and release them with self-forgiveness and have a closer look at what else comes up/is Here in relation to them:

- fear of separation
- I always wanted to be accepted by people
- to be liked by everyone
- I always try to be/look as much casual as possible
- Fear of being ‘labeled’
- Fear of opinions formed about me
- Fear of ‘being disliked’
- I never wanted to be perceived as someone from subculture group
- didn't want people I know, from different environments to interact
- I fear it would bring conflicts
- I don't like conflicts and always try to avoid them
- I don't like people talking about me behind my back
- I always thought I don't care about what other people think about me, but that is not true
- I always tried to get along with people and be on 'good terms' with everyone
- I never liked when people form opinions about others, based on their looks or the way they dress
- I always dressed casually and kept my hair relatively long, because of the belief…
- I presented different personality to everyone
- I never revealed 'full cards' of myself to anyone
- I was never completely honest with anyone, not even with myself
- I thought I am because of all the justifications and excuses I formed but didn't realize I got lost within my bullshits of the mind somewhere on the way
- Anyway I cared too much about the presentation of myself
- I always wanted to have good friends and it was always important to me.

You've given yourself a great start already - Keep on posting and supporting yourself, Tom!
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