I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be evolving while I was upgrading my character. It was all an illusion because only my character evolved, not me and I confused it's upgrade with my upgrade. That excuse was to make me feel better about myself that I tricked myself to perceive the virtual character as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be evolving while playing games. The skill I trained, that is pushing the buttons faster and more accurate according to the signals on a monitor, have no practical use in bringing heaven on Earth, doesn't make me 'better' and is only distraction for the mind and feed the ego, while it's completely unnecessary and useless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by games and placed grater value in virtual-mind reality then in physical reality. Virtual reality is not necessary in life and I should sort out physical reality first which is more important.
My relationship with games changed greatly across the years and is still changing. I am getting less emotional with games, and care much less about them.
I fear forgiving myself for playing games because that means I will have to stop playing them forever. I should just sit and write myself to freedom for a whole day because I have really nothing else to do. I am so looking forward to begin my studies because I will have some time occupied and some responsibilities to do. I realize I am not serious within my stance towards self-perfection because I should stop everything of my bullshit, including games. Unfortunately I believe myself to be to too weak for that radical change, I do not trust myself, I fear falling after forgiveness, so I don't do it. How fucked up this reasoning is I can't even describe. I justify myself that I am working at some points mostly with reactions, that I am trying to breath and pushing myself through some resistances, write something. But this is all not enough for me. I an not dedicated, disciplined and determined enough. A child is dying every few seconds from hunger while I contemplate about my pitifulness. This is really not acceptable. According to games terminology I have a really 'noob' attitude, that is unacceptable. Within being a noob there are two options: train hard to be 'pro' or uninstall the game. I cannot uninstall reality which is the game, so I need to get more serious, because I cannot accept who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a 'noob' attitude within my life and my process.
Tom's blog
Re: Tom's blog
fascinating, thanks for sharing Tom!
Re: Tom's blog
Fear of separation p2
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be accepted and liked by others. I didn't have enough self-trust, self-value and wasn't brave enough to stand by myself so I wanted others to support me in the belief that I am not alone in my life and and I am 'more' while in a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react while hearing people judgments about others, not knowing anything about them. It was manifesting the separation, which I was myself existing as so I reacted not wanting to admit that to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed when people ensured me of their separation from others. Within this feeling I was actually disappointed with myself that I existed in separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present fake image of myself to people I was close with, by not sharing myself fully. Therefore I was living a lie, I wasn't fully myself I was diminishing myself. I was afraid they will not accept me and I will be left alone when they see the actual me as abuse, when no one is willing to face this point as themselves. I knew they will not accept me because of their beliefs and moral codes. I was fearing to be left alone, because I was fearing to face myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and thus was not willing to face myself. I am alone in my process so there is no need to live in constant fear and fuel my mind with this fear.
Tbc..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be accepted and liked by others. I didn't have enough self-trust, self-value and wasn't brave enough to stand by myself so I wanted others to support me in the belief that I am not alone in my life and and I am 'more' while in a group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react while hearing people judgments about others, not knowing anything about them. It was manifesting the separation, which I was myself existing as so I reacted not wanting to admit that to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed when people ensured me of their separation from others. Within this feeling I was actually disappointed with myself that I existed in separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present fake image of myself to people I was close with, by not sharing myself fully. Therefore I was living a lie, I wasn't fully myself I was diminishing myself. I was afraid they will not accept me and I will be left alone when they see the actual me as abuse, when no one is willing to face this point as themselves. I knew they will not accept me because of their beliefs and moral codes. I was fearing to be left alone, because I was fearing to face myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and thus was not willing to face myself. I am alone in my process so there is no need to live in constant fear and fuel my mind with this fear.
Tbc..
Re: Tom's blog
Equal Money > Capitalism
Another point why capitalism is failing. Why do for example Mc Donalds and Kfc sell their meal for 4$ or so which is extremely cheap? Because their are granted tons of subsidies from governments that acts in the name of people. Everyone is acting on their own, not in a way that is best for all. So you take only a fraction of information that is relevant for your business and act according to it. In an Equal money system all the information will be taken into consideration. Now the strange situation exist that you pay only 4$ for a meal but from your taxes you add to this burger because you sponsor the slimming program for obese( which those companies have a great share in creation) people, where additional millions $ are spend. If those companies where responsible for slimming programs and other problems that they create and humanity is already pretending to fighting them, they would have to charge 400$ for a burger, so obviously they will cease to exist. There are zillions of such hidden costs that are 'smartly' avoided and the responsibility is thrown away. Anyway the law is on the side of profit not common sense. Such a neglect of reality, and throwing the responsibility for your actions, will not be allowed in an Equal Money System.
Great number(all?) of big companies act with the help of governments. In Poland for example company come to the government and say: 'we will create 500 job places in your country and create a big business and our taxes will be huge'. Because of that they are given few millions and on top of that they do not have to pay taxes for 10 years. In those 10 years if it is a factory they will produce the goods, and after 10 years close the factory and move to other country. If it is a merchandise business they will sell things cheaper then their costs so that within this 10 years competition will go broke, their share on the market will be great, infrastructure ready to make the real money and raise prices. All this time the company is sponsored by their branches in different countries. Big companies are thinking long term and they are acting in their best interest. We, as humanity should learn from their strategy, and should start acting in our best interest long term. Take into consideration future of our kids because then they will be thought to take into consideration future of their kids. Best is to invest in establishing Equal Money and drink the juices of profit from it afterwards.
Another point why capitalism is failing. Why do for example Mc Donalds and Kfc sell their meal for 4$ or so which is extremely cheap? Because their are granted tons of subsidies from governments that acts in the name of people. Everyone is acting on their own, not in a way that is best for all. So you take only a fraction of information that is relevant for your business and act according to it. In an Equal money system all the information will be taken into consideration. Now the strange situation exist that you pay only 4$ for a meal but from your taxes you add to this burger because you sponsor the slimming program for obese( which those companies have a great share in creation) people, where additional millions $ are spend. If those companies where responsible for slimming programs and other problems that they create and humanity is already pretending to fighting them, they would have to charge 400$ for a burger, so obviously they will cease to exist. There are zillions of such hidden costs that are 'smartly' avoided and the responsibility is thrown away. Anyway the law is on the side of profit not common sense. Such a neglect of reality, and throwing the responsibility for your actions, will not be allowed in an Equal Money System.
Great number(all?) of big companies act with the help of governments. In Poland for example company come to the government and say: 'we will create 500 job places in your country and create a big business and our taxes will be huge'. Because of that they are given few millions and on top of that they do not have to pay taxes for 10 years. In those 10 years if it is a factory they will produce the goods, and after 10 years close the factory and move to other country. If it is a merchandise business they will sell things cheaper then their costs so that within this 10 years competition will go broke, their share on the market will be great, infrastructure ready to make the real money and raise prices. All this time the company is sponsored by their branches in different countries. Big companies are thinking long term and they are acting in their best interest. We, as humanity should learn from their strategy, and should start acting in our best interest long term. Take into consideration future of our kids because then they will be thought to take into consideration future of their kids. Best is to invest in establishing Equal Money and drink the juices of profit from it afterwards.
Re: Tom's blog
Alcohol
I have decided I will stop drinking alcohol. As my studies are about to begin, next week starts a 'freshers week', a week of every day parties that are to integrate new students. I can see everyone here is waiting for that with great anticipation, already planing how much they will get drunk. So I decided I am going to definitely stop drinking. I want to test myself within this commitment, and learn how to enjoy myself during parties while being sober. This will be a great challenge for me, that If I survive it might strengthen my self-trust, self-responsibility.
I have already decided not to drink for few months, but I occasionally drank, although extremely rarely and little compared to how I drank before. Before my reduction commitment I used to drank a lot, vodka at least once a week. While going to parties or meeting with friends I usually got drunk few times per week, most of the times mixing it with drugs. During vacation trips, it was 'normally' for me to drank vodka heavily every day. In Poland there is a big culture of drinking and it is very acceptable and even demanded to drink. Personally I don't know anyone that doesn't drink, and most of people I know don't tolerate abstinence. Family meetings are the major drinking parties as well. Whether it's Christmas, wedding or a funeral people get drunk and it's very acceptable if you get totally drunk for a good occasion.
By zillion tries, after 6 years of regular drinking I noticed a pattern, that while on a party and while being not yet too drunk I don't enjoy it at all. My only objective is to get drunk and organize or buy alcohol. Then after getting drunk I get great confidence and stupidity and I do things that I would be ashamed of if I were sober. So because of that I decided to stop, but it wasn't definite.
I occasionally drank a beer and even vodka few times this year. Few weeks ago, last time I drank, while on a party I was having a beer with the intention of 'just one beer'. Then I drank the next beer and after that I decided to drank vodka. Then my backchat completely took over and I wasn't remembering to breath at all and started manipulating and lying to feed the ego and get sex. That kind of behavior is no longer acceptable to me, so I'm going to take a stand to stop.
The freshers week will be a great opportunity because everyone will try to get to know each other by drinking. I am more then certain that if I drink I will do great, have tons of friends and a reputation of a cool guy after this week. I decided not to drink, but to attend every party and meet new people while sober and enjoy it.
It was kinda easy to stop the urge to smoke ganja, while I already had few opportunities to get it. The real test will be when I go back to Poland and meet with the environment I used to smoke for many years. With alcohol I'm planing to start big with this week when everyone here will be drinking and with the perfect opportunity to drink. Let's see if I can stand this:)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start drinking alcohol to be accepted and liked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink to hide from responsibility of facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others in drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better because I could drink more. I experienced winning sensation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience winning sensation because of drinking more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to how and how much they drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect people that don't drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use alcohol in order to enjoy myself. By being drunk I am not enjoying myself but me on the influence of alcohol. By being on the influence I am abusive, thus I enjoyed myself as abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy myself as abuse as drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade others to drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am helping people by persuading them to drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy dancing while sober.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy parties because of not being drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade girls to drink in order to use them for sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of drunk people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by drinking people become true friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the same confidence as I had while being drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego by drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience heightened emotions while drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud while stealing alcohol.
I have decided I will stop drinking alcohol. As my studies are about to begin, next week starts a 'freshers week', a week of every day parties that are to integrate new students. I can see everyone here is waiting for that with great anticipation, already planing how much they will get drunk. So I decided I am going to definitely stop drinking. I want to test myself within this commitment, and learn how to enjoy myself during parties while being sober. This will be a great challenge for me, that If I survive it might strengthen my self-trust, self-responsibility.
I have already decided not to drink for few months, but I occasionally drank, although extremely rarely and little compared to how I drank before. Before my reduction commitment I used to drank a lot, vodka at least once a week. While going to parties or meeting with friends I usually got drunk few times per week, most of the times mixing it with drugs. During vacation trips, it was 'normally' for me to drank vodka heavily every day. In Poland there is a big culture of drinking and it is very acceptable and even demanded to drink. Personally I don't know anyone that doesn't drink, and most of people I know don't tolerate abstinence. Family meetings are the major drinking parties as well. Whether it's Christmas, wedding or a funeral people get drunk and it's very acceptable if you get totally drunk for a good occasion.
By zillion tries, after 6 years of regular drinking I noticed a pattern, that while on a party and while being not yet too drunk I don't enjoy it at all. My only objective is to get drunk and organize or buy alcohol. Then after getting drunk I get great confidence and stupidity and I do things that I would be ashamed of if I were sober. So because of that I decided to stop, but it wasn't definite.
I occasionally drank a beer and even vodka few times this year. Few weeks ago, last time I drank, while on a party I was having a beer with the intention of 'just one beer'. Then I drank the next beer and after that I decided to drank vodka. Then my backchat completely took over and I wasn't remembering to breath at all and started manipulating and lying to feed the ego and get sex. That kind of behavior is no longer acceptable to me, so I'm going to take a stand to stop.
The freshers week will be a great opportunity because everyone will try to get to know each other by drinking. I am more then certain that if I drink I will do great, have tons of friends and a reputation of a cool guy after this week. I decided not to drink, but to attend every party and meet new people while sober and enjoy it.
It was kinda easy to stop the urge to smoke ganja, while I already had few opportunities to get it. The real test will be when I go back to Poland and meet with the environment I used to smoke for many years. With alcohol I'm planing to start big with this week when everyone here will be drinking and with the perfect opportunity to drink. Let's see if I can stand this:)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start drinking alcohol to be accepted and liked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink to hide from responsibility of facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others in drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better because I could drink more. I experienced winning sensation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience winning sensation because of drinking more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to how and how much they drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect people that don't drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use alcohol in order to enjoy myself. By being drunk I am not enjoying myself but me on the influence of alcohol. By being on the influence I am abusive, thus I enjoyed myself as abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy myself as abuse as drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade others to drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am helping people by persuading them to drink.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy dancing while sober.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy parties because of not being drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade girls to drink in order to use them for sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of drunk people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by drinking people become true friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the same confidence as I had while being drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego by drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience heightened emotions while drunk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel proud while stealing alcohol.
Re: Tom's blog
Hi Tom, can you indicate the link to your actual blog here? Do you have one already?
If not I suggest creating one and pasting what you've shared here there so that you can expand this point of self support for others equally outside of the forum - this is part of the point of calling this program 'Blogging for sponsorship'
We suggest using blogspot or wordpress for that. Please indicate the name/link of your blog when done.
Thanks for sharing yourself.
If not I suggest creating one and pasting what you've shared here there so that you can expand this point of self support for others equally outside of the forum - this is part of the point of calling this program 'Blogging for sponsorship'
We suggest using blogspot or wordpress for that. Please indicate the name/link of your blog when done.
Thanks for sharing yourself.
Re: Tom's blog
Tom's process
http://tomprocess.wordpress.com
As I read the guidelines I understood that it's 'enough' to blog in this thread, thanks for clarification.
http://tomprocess.wordpress.com
As I read the guidelines I understood that it's 'enough' to blog in this thread, thanks for clarification.
Re: Tom's blog
Cool for the blog creation Tom - this is for the purpose of sharing it on the web and reaching more people so that while you're supporting yourself, others can get to your blog and find out there's a way to support ourselves.
Re: Tom's blog
Rap
I have been listening to hip-hop/rap music for around 10 years. I started listening to polish rap, after I heard some particular lyrics on one of the sports camps. It was very appealing hearing that someone can describe reality in dirty/vulgar way because it sounded more realistic then all those beautiful love songs. Back in those days polish rap was very different to what can be heard now because the artists were young and poor. They didn't have money for living and their insight in reality was a bit more accurate. They formed some closed groups in which they rap about radical equality in their groups, loyalty, truth, sharing of money, unconditional help for others etc. That was very appealing to me and I realized back then that it is roughly how should relationship works. So I decided this is how I want to live and begun to 'test' this stuff for myself. Sadly after around 10 years I can say none of it was actually real.
When money come into play and those artists started earning money, their groups split up and content of their lyrics changed. None of what they claimed back in the days stood the test of time. I lived their mess-age and now I can prove to myself that this was only bullshit. Their mess-ages:
Smoking weed is good. I started smoking mostly because of listening all over rap songs that it is good and harmless. My acceptance towards weed changed my life to complete mess, up to a point that I couldn't control myself at all.
Helping friends unconditionally. As people aren't acting in a way that is best for all, they are acting in self-interest. Thus if I helped someone it deliberate support of their self interest. On top of that something like unconditional help is seen as a weakness and act of stupidity because apparently everything has a price. Now most of people don't even ask for help because they know, no one will help unconditionally, and some who ask their intent is to exploit such a naive person.
Having 'true' friends. The best friends are only in the poor, when the equality point is fighting for survival. When money/profit show up, people always chose money over equality/friendship eventually.
This whole rap story thought me that even the most noble ideas are nothing if they are not lived, people are not consistent and they are proven over extended period of time. This showed me clearly that money is the most powerful force that can easily change the people even if they claimed thousand times, that they will not change. I will not trust artists any longer and place special value in their work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by hip hop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my life based on songs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to help support people that didn't care for what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in people's claims, who didn't have practical solutions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in concepts that I didn't realize myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in information, that was not proven with common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to rap in order to feel better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to rap to get emotional rush.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation based on music preferences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rap into religion.
I have been listening to hip-hop/rap music for around 10 years. I started listening to polish rap, after I heard some particular lyrics on one of the sports camps. It was very appealing hearing that someone can describe reality in dirty/vulgar way because it sounded more realistic then all those beautiful love songs. Back in those days polish rap was very different to what can be heard now because the artists were young and poor. They didn't have money for living and their insight in reality was a bit more accurate. They formed some closed groups in which they rap about radical equality in their groups, loyalty, truth, sharing of money, unconditional help for others etc. That was very appealing to me and I realized back then that it is roughly how should relationship works. So I decided this is how I want to live and begun to 'test' this stuff for myself. Sadly after around 10 years I can say none of it was actually real.
When money come into play and those artists started earning money, their groups split up and content of their lyrics changed. None of what they claimed back in the days stood the test of time. I lived their mess-age and now I can prove to myself that this was only bullshit. Their mess-ages:
Smoking weed is good. I started smoking mostly because of listening all over rap songs that it is good and harmless. My acceptance towards weed changed my life to complete mess, up to a point that I couldn't control myself at all.
Helping friends unconditionally. As people aren't acting in a way that is best for all, they are acting in self-interest. Thus if I helped someone it deliberate support of their self interest. On top of that something like unconditional help is seen as a weakness and act of stupidity because apparently everything has a price. Now most of people don't even ask for help because they know, no one will help unconditionally, and some who ask their intent is to exploit such a naive person.
Having 'true' friends. The best friends are only in the poor, when the equality point is fighting for survival. When money/profit show up, people always chose money over equality/friendship eventually.
This whole rap story thought me that even the most noble ideas are nothing if they are not lived, people are not consistent and they are proven over extended period of time. This showed me clearly that money is the most powerful force that can easily change the people even if they claimed thousand times, that they will not change. I will not trust artists any longer and place special value in their work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by hip hop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my life based on songs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to help support people that didn't care for what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in people's claims, who didn't have practical solutions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in concepts that I didn't realize myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in information, that was not proven with common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to rap in order to feel better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to rap to get emotional rush.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation based on music preferences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make rap into religion.
Re: Tom's blog
Gaming p3
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate future by disregarding present moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play computer games instead of taking responsibility for my addictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping games, while knowing that they are not supporting me and I give them power over myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself continuously with the same patterns of playing games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about breath when thoughts about games occurred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things totally mindlessly, without any practical purpose like playing freecell.
So by this anticipation for academic year I created a belief that I will wait for some responsibilities, not realizing that I already have the responsibilities towards myself. I disregarded myself believing that I will be responsible somewhere in the future, not taking practical actions now. I lived that by continuously playing computer games for 3 days before moving to my new academic accommodation. So the shit compounded and I decided to stop. My new internet connection blocks all the internet games. I could unblock them If I made a special request but I chose not to, to definitely stop the addiction of computer games. So now it's been over a week I haven't touched the internet games which could make me play for hours/days as I did before moving to new accommodation. I have also deleted the standard windows games like minesweeper, hearts, solitaries etc that I got easily hooked to as a substitution to other games. The worst was with freecell solitaire that I usually played while hearing to desteni interviews. I had hundreds of wins in a row, never lost, knew that you can solve every random combination spawned, but still kept mindlessly moving those cards. It might be because I got used to doing something, like drawing or biting pen while listening to things like lectures.Tom wrote:I am so looking forward to begin my studies because I will have some time occupied and some responsibilities to do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate future by disregarding present moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play computer games instead of taking responsibility for my addictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping games, while knowing that they are not supporting me and I give them power over myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself continuously with the same patterns of playing games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about breath when thoughts about games occurred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things totally mindlessly, without any practical purpose like playing freecell.