Hi! Great interview, thanks!
My sexual life started when i was very young, like 8, masturbation, and i watched pornography, i was addicted to it.
Experiencing as in the video says, my muscles tightening and i did it purposely, like tightening my muscles to feel more the orgasm
I continued and kept I also created some kind of personality like seeing me as a depraved person, i used to think sometimes about this while watching pornography but i didn't stopped, seeing me as if i was an old depraved man, or having an image of me like this, and continuing to masturbate while watching images and images and images, i used to watch them, and i had the experience of fear because i was doing it in secret, i never told anyone, and i was feeling an extreme desire to do this, and prepared everything to do it, but in secret and very aware if someone was near, so kind of fearing someone seeing me.
I would sometimes had imaginations, with different men, also with women, i think because of the way woman is shown, I created desires towards woman too, and now i think i like woman, but the consequence of this is that in my mind thoughts about woman pops up when i see a woman my mind likes, and i have a thought, and then let's say i am with my partner, and i think: i don't want him to think that (what i'm thinking)! But it is me who is thinking that- so i've experienced jealousy, but i've seen it comes from me having those thoughts and projecting them into my partner and fearing him having the same thoughts, i suppose it's because i see that those thoughts create separation and are abusive in nature, because of how i created them, from desires, images and ideas, and also because they create the polarity of beauty/ugly, also separation from people and not being able to express normally because of having ideas about images.
Also because i know the mind and i know what it creates and the energies, that i've experienced jealousy, since we started, like 1 and a half year ago.
So it's been a fuck up since i started sexuality, and since my first encounter:
I created all of this ideas around sex and when i came to the first experience, i was disappointed because it was not like in pornography, and the energy i experienced while masturbating was not the same with sex.
Also my first sexual encounter was in an uncomfortable place, we drank strong alcohol and we smoked cigarettes... and i was drunk and like that i started, the day after i was having lots of pain in my body because of doing it like that and the uncomfortable place. I told him i was disappointed at sex.
Then i cheated on him, alcohol, a party, he went away jealous from another man and i stayed after with that other man. Then with another, at school, in secret. we broke with my first partner and i told him i did that and i experienced shame and guilt, and we came back together because he said he would only forgive me if we came back together.
Then with other people i experienced sex but in a way where it was the cycle of drinking, smoking and having sex.
First with a boy from my school, he had a girlfriend, and we drank and we had sex, we repeated that as a routine, without even speaking about it, i was centered on him, i liked him and i didn't cared about anyone else, i wanted to be liked by him and i would have sex with him even if i was not even feeling anything.
i became obsessed. Then that happened to me with another boy too. and then, with another one.
Obsession and only centering myself in them, having sex and wanting to like them, and projecting my fears into them.
I was not respecting anything or anyone. I had sex with a man who had sex with a friend of mine, and i didn't told her, then she knew, and i've felt ashamed because of this and all of those things.
the addiction to porn, i stopped 2 years ago.
Always living like in this bubble of wanting a relationship and dismissing everything else in the world, obsessing about men and relationships.
Till i got pregnant and i had to had an abortion, 2 years ago.
And, now, i am in an agreement. We are creating the agreement, i mean.
And i see the consequences!
It is very important to see this things and the ideas of sex and relationships from the past!!
Because like 1 year ago i've been seeing my breasts as too small. Before i didn't care about this, but now it's like i would like to have them bigger and i've also gone into this desire of wanting them bigger but because of fear also, fearing my partner preferring bigger breasts, so i've been searching on how to make them grow naturally, but with hormones and surgery i've found.
Obviously i wont do that, i see it all comes from fear, but it's also desire at the same time, like desiering to have them bigger because of desiering to touch them or to be seen as more attractive and touched by my partner, instead of just simply enjoying myself as my body without judgements, desired or fears!!
What a fuck up thing is pornography and idealizations.
I would like to ask a question:Why is it that woman were created in a way were it is more difficult to have orgasms, while men does have orgasms so easily?
I haven't experienced orgasms through all of this sexual encounters, only like 6 times, and they have been like centered in a small zone as in the video is explained...
With this, i've been thinking, that i've moved and moved and moved, but not feeling as going to have an orgasm or as direction.
I suppose it is because of me having lived sex and relationships in the past as that.
But, I wanted to ask something very important:
Is it dangerous - for the body - to go into sex, and to not have an orgasm?
I ask this because i see that in sex one is moving, and like the body wants to have a release, but if this release as an orgasm doesn't come, what happens then? to the body, to the mind-
Does the mind doesn't recharges if one doesn't have an orgasm?
Please give perspective on this, and thanks again for the videos.