I can't explain myself perfectly in english but i'll try, and if anyone understands what i mean, a perspective will be appreciated
So yesterday, i was going to a rehearsal, and in the moment i close the door of my house i notice i have let the keys inside, so after 30 mins of thinking of ways to enter my house i come with the idea of asking my neighbour to go to his terrace so i can get to the roof of the building and enter to my own terrace and my home, this i have done it in the past, 1 or 2 times that i have let the keys at home. So the thing is that the 2 neighbours who "know" me and live next to me weren't at home, so i thought the only solution possible, was to ask to an unknown neighbourd, anyone who lives in the doorway next to mine, if he can do the favour for me and let me get to the roof of the building so i can enter my house. I was extressed, because i was going late, i had lost my bus, and i needed my keys.
So there i am, next to the intercom of the doorway next to mine, and i know it's something hard to explain, that i need to get to the roof of the building, that means i am asking an unknown person to enter his house enter his terrace and get to the roof. I personally, if i am in that situation, i would give 0 fucks (sorry about this word, it's a word) about letting someone enter my home for 2 secs, and get to the roof of the building, in fact i did it once with an unknown neighbourd and he behaved like if i wasn't doing a special thing, to helping him so normally and so naturally, and it's not like if i needed the recognition that i am special, but i know that normally people tend to be scared or i don't know they have a strange feeling when it comes to a stranger asking for help, specially if their home is involved, and i felt good to help this person that needed it while being normal and natural and this guy didn't even noticed, he just got the roof he couldn't enter his house and came back screaming because he was angry, said a fake thank you and left.
This makes me think that maybe if i said oh my god how you dare asking me for help! this is unacceptable! but i will let you so thank me as much as possible!! if i said that to this person, i am sure he would have been thankfull, but i behaved normally and helped him like it's normal and costs nothing so he just ignored me, like if my value was 0
So there i am, i know i have the potential to explain this person why i am not asking an awkward thing, i can invent shitty fake words like Hello sir i live in the other doorway, i don't wish to bother you but i need help and i would need blablabla roof blablabla
So there i am, preparing myself to talk in a natural way, say this sentences that will make this situation look like a normal one, even if it is a normal one! but people is stupid! they can't act natural or normal, they can't listen to words from an unknown person in a relaxed way, and i know this, so that is why i need to prepare my sentences very specifically. So there i am, i call to the intercom this guy answers and i try to explain in the most normal way the important points about this situationts, and why i am talking to him.
i was very nervious, and i started to stutter a lot, i had tention in my speech, a lot, and it's not only in the speaking, it's in the thoughts and how i express the ideas, so my intent to make a normal speech fails and i explain things badly, in bad order, i did my best but they just came out in that way.
So if i am in the situation of the other guy at his house, i would understand PERFECTLY what this person is going through, why he is nervious, what is he really tring to express, even if he has so much tention that he can't express things correctly or in order i understand what is going on, and i would help him with his problem and with his tention. But after i finish all my sentences, that felt like a download of information in bad order and expressed badly, this guy remains in silence, in a silence of also tention i would say, he had no words, he is just there... after a while, i hear his breath, so i know he is there, and he doesn't know what to say, so i say sir? are you there? and then he behaves like a coward and just hangs off slowly but surely the intercom and goes back to his matrix existence in a secured known home
i mean if you want to tell me that what i am doing is wrong, or that i am too nervious, tell me, whatever, just say it! but why does he runs away? just leaves the situation?
this is not only this situation, this is related with all the beings that have had relation with my stuttering, most of them react this way, specially if they are strangers, they just don't want to perceive it, they prefer to ignore it existence or i don't know how to explain... i believe it is because they know they are being fake in their speech, and when they see fakeness dissapear they go like oh no i don't have this thing, i'm absolutely real and normal.
So after this experience of tensions and loosing myself completely i am feeling like you are a stutterer, there is no way to deny it, everything will be bad because now you are this
Then i find a way to get my keys, i run for the bus, i put my favorite song, and i am feeling love
i am feeling love but i know this stuttering is in my depths, it's not a solved thing, i'd like to cure this divition, maybe it just happened because i had a lot of tention in the situation... eventually i will get my answers... i hope... but a perspective here would be very much appreciated