self forgiveness

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
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nuno
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Joined: 13 Aug 2015, 14:30
Location: Portugal

self forgiveness

Postby nuno » 03 Nov 2015, 18:14

My mother has five cats. I love them. mother gives a Incorrect supply to them (too much and unnecessary). I talk to her. I show her the opinion of 3 others beings (where it is clearly demonstrated that the way my mom gives food to the cats is incorrect). I also understand the essential point of my mother's stubbornness: because she does not play with them like me,the only moment of joy she feels in relation to them - herself, is when she see them excited about the cans of food that every morning gives them. she needs someone to need her. basically she's damaging their health only by self-interest, to feel the energy she feel when only her mind thinks the other is very happy and it is thanks to her. she's geting to the point (association) of the meal cans every morning = her happiness. (these meal cans are kinda addictive for animals; and surely bad for the theet; give 1 or 2 days every week, I accept, not every morning; but the truth is, mom is the one who is "addicted to the cans," sort of speak). I talked for 5 hrs with her, showing every aspects, common sense. but even then, she always say: «you want the thing your way» (fck me?! I showed 3 other being's "opinion"; all agree with me; I explained for 5hr in every possible way, why we should not give the meal cans every morning, even why it would be kinda dificult to her to stop this habit; I understand her; I ask her to make this effort, for the love/consideration of the cats themselves; only focus on the cats and the best for them; put yourself away, whatever you win (exclusively you) regarding this relation, leave it aside, please. And she, always, stick to this:« you always want your way»! Anyway, I ask you here is some help on how can I forgive myself in such a case (not my emotions, reactions, whatever is already just me, because I can deal with it ). basically how can I forgive myself to see someone harming animals and nothing can be done? I mean, actually I can; kinda by force: grab the cans and hide. but she will probably do similar, buy cans and hide them from me. ultimately, how am I suposed to deal when the other being is kinda demential* and above all, 5 other beings (the cats) are at stake? (should I stick to self forgive my anger, rage, frustration, hate?!) For now I don't talk with the being; silence and separation is at least preventing things of greater proportions and unnecessary. Anyway is hard (silence, separation) because I see the being (mom) all the time, everyday. ps:I commit myself to treat the animals in all aspects: food, hygiene, play. but even with this, she won't abdicates the cans. (my answer to me in this case is: mom is a lost case. and I better work on my "detachment" regarding to my feelings towards the animals). *dementia, she "trully is". she has a psychiatric history. has already been hospitalized in the past and takes sleeping pills. It is already chronic. an authentic system that despite all my efforts to show her the life she really is, it persists in wanting to continue holding onto to the systems in general.(I confess that I have learned a lot about systems, just by living with her. real fcked up stuff). Anyway, I'm new here (Desteni) and despite this my post, I will investigate more extensivelly the «self forgiveness» "section" in this forum. Thanks.



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nuno
Posts: 7
Joined: 13 Aug 2015, 14:30
Location: Portugal

Re: self forgiveness

Postby nuno » 03 Nov 2015, 18:39

It is basically the typical case of the mother or grandmother who spoils children and grandchildren with treats. and the biggest problem of the matter is that actually, I'm more focused on helping/support the animals. not much help/support me (well, me, definitely the feelings, emotions,etc,etc, I must forgive myself). And help mom, I have done so, but she almost kinda really do not want. But anyway, animal, me and mom - help/support, everything is dependent on the mother only. and no doubt that if I really want to help the cats, I have to face further deepen the help/support of my mother.



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Anna
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Re: self forgiveness

Postby Anna » 03 Nov 2015, 18:40

Hi Nuno. Cool to see you back here. You've been gone for a while eh? It would be cool if you could share your story at some point.

I have investigated cat food extensively and from what I can understand - wet food, i.e. 'canned food' is actually the very best for cats, because it has a lot less carbs and more protein than kibble - obviously depending on the type of food. So - if the cats aren't overweight, I don't actually see a problem.

We had a female cat that were overweight. She got overweight because we free-fed in the beginning as I've done that with my other cats. But this particular cat happened to just keep eating and eating, until it was too late and she was already overweight. I also had a tendency to over-feed, and I still do to some extent. So from sharing your mother's perspective, I can share that it can be quite a challenge, even when you are aware of what you are doing. For me it has more had to do with 'respecting the cat's 'feelings/wants/needs' where, if it meows like it hasn't been fed for a month (despite me just having given it food) I have to push myself extensively to not feed it. Obviously this indicates something about my relationship with myself in fact, which I am then projecting onto the cats.

So, yes - first step is to work with your own reactions; the reactions of powerlessness, blame and anger. Then - once you are clear, you can much more calmly have a look at what your mother is experiencing and see how you can support her, maybe in indirect ways where you won't necessarily trigger her to defend her behavior. However - it may also be so that she is triggered because you are reactive when you speak to her about it, so clearing yourself - until nothing moves within you in relation to your mother in this regard, maybe exactly what is needed for you to direct the situation.

My mother in law has horses, chickens and cats as well, and sometimes she treats them differently than I would've done - but we can't force someone to change, even when we see that it is best - so our responsibility is rather to patiently walk with the person, and slowly but surely assist them to change perspective. A cool point to consider her for example, is timing. So you may find that you can much more easily talk to your mom when she is relaxed and calm in the evening, than right in the moment of feeding in the morning where you're both already reactive.



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nuno
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Joined: 13 Aug 2015, 14:30
Location: Portugal

Re: self forgiveness

Postby nuno » 03 Nov 2015, 18:59

Anna thanks for the support. you showed me points which "somehow" decompress/decompressing some kinda urgency within me. (and yes, in time, I will share my story the best I can in English:)



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viktor
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Re: self forgiveness

Postby viktor » 08 Nov 2015, 07:03

I agree with Anna, that what is required is patience. Your mother has been living this pattern for many years, and on top of that, she might have reactions to the fact that is you that is presenting the information to her. And because she doesn't want to be seen as weak/loose face – she will fight you.

So, what you can look at is if you are stable when you approach your mother, or if there are remnants of energy still existing within you. For example, is there an energy of superiority in your words/behavior? If there is such an energy your mother will pick up on it and equally go into a reaction, and fight you. Thus, the first priority should be to clear yourself of any reactions, and then when you are stable, approach your mother again.

Then, I would say that this type of situation, were we see common sense, and share common sense, yet nobody else is willing to see or recognize it, hell it is so normal that you better get used to it and learn to deal with it. Basically, in all parts of life we find these misaligned points, and when we point out that it is not common sense, we will be faced with resistance etc. So, we have to be patient, and learn to push day in and day out - push forward - put the common sense out there - not give up yet still not be reactive in how we approach others. And that is obviously a difficult point to master, so be grateful for your mother because you have a perfect sparring partner with which you are able to train yourself to master this art of consistent pushing.



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Kim S
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Joined: 06 Jul 2011, 10:18
Location: United Kingdom

Re: self forgiveness

Postby Kim S » 16 Nov 2015, 12:38

Hey Nuno, agree with Anna on the points regarding feeding cats.. I also had major reactions to my Mother, which I am still walking through now. I realised as I walk my reactions to my Mother that really it wasn't ever about her really, it was who I was within and as my reaction to her, and I am seeing that when I reacted to things she would do or say, it was because I saw a lot of myself in her and faced myself in a lot of ways, especially with her 'stubbornness' I realised after I 'pulled it apart' and walked the forgiveness on my own stubborness how I could see what she was actually showing me about myself lol. So yes like Viktor says, you have a cool sparring partner here.



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nuno
Posts: 7
Joined: 13 Aug 2015, 14:30
Location: Portugal

Re: self forgiveness

Postby nuno » 27 Jun 2017, 16:07

yes. I already realized this "aspect":«saw a lot of myself in her and faced myself in a lot of ways; I could see what she was actually showing me about myself». I can even say I already saw our equality (kind of I became equal and one with her). And I concluded that, she is/"represents" the I/me/ the self that wants to give up. Because, yes, it's true. In honesty I can see how much I am still equal to "don't give a f*ck". No doubt, I am still separated, there is still much fear. I can not blame her. And totally, «a "cool" sparring partner here». Thanks Viktor and Kim S. And I will try to participate more actively among us. The English language can not be a hindrance/obstacle to my desire/will to express myself here with you all.




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