I don't understand why she can't simply die

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
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Duška Maglica
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Joined: 31 Jul 2011, 20:33
Location: Slovenia

I don't understand why she can't simply die

Postby Duška Maglica » 09 Jan 2017, 17:12

I'm just writing SF on my reactions towards my demented grandmother with which we live and which situation has recently got worse: she can't walk anymore, she is not able to eat by herself and to drink alone. Maybe temporary, maybe long-term condition.

While writing out ranting and raving, this thought appears ''I do not understand why she can not simply die - why should she and we with her bear that suffering?''

It seems to me that I don't see all the aspect of that thought, thus I would like to hear your perspective about it + some solution oriented directions if possible.

Tnx & greetings



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tormod
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Joined: 25 Jan 2012, 12:05

Re: I don't understand why she can't simply die

Postby tormod » 09 Jan 2017, 20:42

Hi Duska !

Thanks for the interesting topic.


My grandfather died some years ago, he was lying in bed quite along time (weeks or months?) and slowly becoming more and more "away". I remember that he looked very sacred. Yes i recall his face: he was very afraid. Now i don't know for sure what kept him here so long. Perhaps we wanted to share/talk about what he was now experiencing/seeing, but not (!) having words or strength to do so. a very depriving situation you might say. like being held victim of mind/past.


still willing or wanting to talk/share, but not having that courage and physical strength. so we where simply there with him holding his hand. it was ...strange, but that is how it is these days.

That is how i looked at him dying.

Just my perspective.

- Tormod



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Anna
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Re: I don't understand why she can't simply die

Postby Anna » 09 Jan 2017, 21:43

Hi Duska. We're facing a similar point with my husbands grandfather who lives quite close by and his daughter (my husband's mother) has to take much care of him. At the moment he's merely regressing/devolving, so not yet sick or dying at all. My mother in law feels very frustrated and angry and would prefer that he dies, because she experiences it as quite a burden to have to take care of him which also managing her own life.

The only solution I see has to do with how you approach the point inside yourself - because the physical consequence most likely can't be changed - and so in some way, the point has more to do with making peace with the situation than anything else.

Something I've seen in myself is a point of being in denial towards death and aging and the deterioration of the body, where we tend to walk around in our lives, taking life for granted most of the time and actually believe ourselves to be in control of life. When something like this then happens, we are confronted with the reality that; we're not in control of life. So this could be where the reaction is coming from, taking life for granted and wanting her to die, so that you don't have to face the volatility of life. Making peace with that - with not being in control of life - might support you to be able to embrace the situation.



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YoganBarrientos
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Location: Miami, Florida

Re: I don't understand why she can't simply die

Postby YoganBarrientos » 10 Jan 2017, 00:59

Hi Duska,
there is a potential here for personal growth. I have known people who have went through similar situations where they had to care for someone else. The same is with parents and babies too. So I would look at it as an opportunity. A challenge yes, but there is where opportunity lies, within the challenge of it. See how or where you can still connect with your grandmother. At what level. It may not be obvious and it may require some investigation and testing, but you may find it. Like simply holding her hand, or play music she responds to.

An example is a person I know who's father was also losing his mind. But they connected through playing instruments together. He could still do that, and he enjoyed it.



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Duška Maglica
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Joined: 31 Jul 2011, 20:33
Location: Slovenia

Re: I don't understand why she can't simply die

Postby Duška Maglica » 10 Jan 2017, 22:22

@Anna
I came to the same conclusion as you within the second paragraph. But this idea of ''Making peace with that - with not being in control of life'' sounds like it has some keys in it. Thank you!

@Yogan
It's in no way the same with babies; they have development & progress before them, my grandmother has only more decline before her.
Otherwise some supportive suggestions here - thanks!




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