That's great to bring up because I want to talk about that too, where for me I'm trying not to do that on principle, it's not needed because I can do it without those images and then trying to cut out the images and thoughts in my mind with eyes closed is where I'm working on now trying to just focus on the physical actions and movements.
But then for me every now and then I get this thought... Like, why am I not supposed to do this again?
LIke I forget, what was the big deal about this? (Using porn apposed to just shut eyes not thinking about anything)
But that's the same for me with a lot of things, like I'm trying to quit smoking and then all of sudden I'll be like, 'I cannot at all remember why I'm not supposed to smoke, I'm going to smoke now because I like to smoke.'
So to me I see it's a compromise if I use porn becuase I know that I cannot stop my reactions, and even if I could which I've tried to but only supress, then since I know I cannot stop my reactions the best course is to just not look at that stuff while masterbating, just have close eyes don't tempt myself because I'm just screwing with myself like manipuatilng myself like a game, like I know I can't stop my reactions so I'm going to force myself to look and try not to react but that's not practical it's just 'baiting'.
I'll do some self forgiveness too because I rarely ever think to do self forgiveness for porn masterbation as much as I should realative to how much a part of my life it has been.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bait myself with porn like, what if I can still look at it and just not react while masterbating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it would be a good idea to try to defrag myself by masterbating looking at nude women/ nudity and trying to not feel anything to not react where now I see it isn't something that I can just change in a moment I need self forgiveness it's just the act of finding an excuse to trick myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trick myself into using porn by saying that I'm facing my fears as facing my reactions head on where I can face those reactions head on in writing they are still in my memory.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for baiting myself with porn in playing these games of 'just use it don't think about it, just use it try to just not react, what's the big deal anywyas it doesn't hurt anything'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for what I did to myself using porn reactions and masterbation where at the times I was doing it, I had nothing else going for me in my life, I was using it like a drug, or I really felt trapped so hating myself now is like me up on my high horse where even just now I admit how I still have this thought like 'why was I supposed to quit doing that again?'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how compelling that thought is like, 'why am I not supposed to do this?'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn porn masterbation into a devil and angel on my shoulder situation instead of just making it clear and frim with myself that this is feeding my mind big time, affects relationships because it's reactions to people, I'm a people too so it affects my relationship with me and there's feelings and it's a super big mess to deal with and I have enough problems as it is that I don't need to make extra mistakes for myself to deal with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misrable like my life sucks when within me I totally allow self compromise of my body and my relationships and just everything through porn wihtout all it taking is just a thought showing me how I live for pleasure and self intrest in pleasure and am not really as much of a victim as I feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get through to myself that using porn is self victimization I'm limiting my sexual expression and my relationships and my process and it's uncalled for.
When and as I see myself having the thought of why am I not supposed to use porn again? I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm not clear with myself then yes I'm going to keep having this thought, knocking on my door like, why not? Why not? why not? thus, I commit myself to when I have this thought come up of why not use porn again? To in that moment make it clear, if I really have that question within me then in that moment I anser myself, it's comproming my relationship with myself thus other's it's me abusing myself thus other's, it's the oppostie of everything that I'm trying to develop within myself, and in that I can see how I have also limited myself like I'm not good enough for my own process, I'm not as good as other's are why not just masterbate to porn 'I'm not worh it'
I commit myself to remember that I'm worth it, I'm worth developing a sexual relationship with myself, I'm worth not compromisng myself with porn, I commit myself to remember that I'm worth making something of my life and that I'm worth more then my desires and fantasy.