Suppressing Sex

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
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tylersr
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Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Suppressing Sex

Postby tylersr » 07 Apr 2017, 06:33

Without going into too much detail, I have faced multiple moments of being able to try to have sex with a person in my reality. The thing is, every time it has come up, I have suppressed this desire/expression of sex! I am not a virgin and would like to have sex and so it is a rather puzzling experience to watch myself suppress sex with this person for no good reason. Of course, when I look back on the moment of suppression, all sorts of justifications and excuses as to why it is better if I don't initiate sex with this person come up and I am able to rationalize the suppression away. However, I can tell that my body really needs sex and, besides, I would enjoy it. After listening to this discussion by Gian and Kurt on sex, I became aware that I can, as the Mind, really make any sort of excuse or justification to do/not do something but that the natural, physical expression of sex is ok and good.

I'd like to add that currently this person is assisting me enormously in a financial way. So, part of the looping pattern is that I will suppress sex with this person and then, afterwards, I will think about it and think, well NOW I should move on this point. Except then I can see that if I force the point as a matter of "principle" or to try to make up for suppressing it earlier, the timing/context might not be quite right and then what I am doing is possibly creating an awkward situation with this person where they no longer wish to house me. So then I think "well, sex isn't worth risking getting kicked out into the street so I better not ask now".



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tylersr
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Re: Suppressing Sex

Postby tylersr » 07 Apr 2017, 07:57

I've recently come across a habitual pattern of suppressing sex. While I was at first puzzled with this tendency of mine, as someone who has enjoyed sex in the past, I realized that this pattern is actually related to memories I have of suppressing my behavior towards girls from a very young age.

I can remember two instances in which I suppressed expressing myself with/towards girls, the first coming as far back as elementary school (so 10, 11 years old or thereabouts). I was spending time on a lake with a childhood friend, as we did every year. But this year was different. This year I met a GIRL. I liked this girl. I wanted to be this girl's boyfriend.


To my chagrin, I suppressed communicating my "feelings" towards her at the time and I can remember the intense feeling of regret I had for actually days afterwards. In fact, I can remember writing about the experience in a journal just as I found myself writing about a similar experience (of suppressing sex with someone) tonight.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an intense experience of regret for not communicating my feelings for this girl back when I was young.


Whatever suppressive tendency caused this experience stuck around as, later on in my youth, I met another girl. We hung out and seemed to like each other, and there was a moment when I had walked her back to her room and could have kissed her. For whatever reason, I did not, and again I experienced a profound regret for not having followed through with my desire.


This opens up the belief that having sex/making sexual contact is 'good' or 'worthwhile'. Here I can see that I have thus allowed myself to participate in a polarity game where sex = good and missing an opportunity to have sex = bad.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having sex as better than not having sex.


This belief in itself is related to ideas of masculinity whereas men are supposed to fuck lots of women. Combined with a tendency for adults/peers to tease a young person when they show interest in someone of the opposite sex and you have a clear case of internal confusion/conflict where I was trying to process opposing perspectives on sex as both 'desirable' and 'embarrassing/trivial'.


I actually remember my first 'girlfriend' in kindergarten (so, around the age of 5). We were both spinning around two supporting bars of a swingset and our faces came close to each other. For whatever reason, this was interpreted by both of us as "almost kissing" and so after that we "had" to be considered boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't remember any sexual contact ever happening between us, it was more a "relationship status" thing, but it was initiated by nearly contacting each other.

I was recently listening to the Eqafe 'What is Sex?' series and so I feel like this experience of inevitability towards our 5-year-old selves "now being in a relationship" must have been a preprogrammed experience as it was suddenly just "how things were" when, looking back, there was no real reason for it to be that way. There was certainly no communication between us where we decided to enter into a relationship because it was best for all.

So that makes 3 important moments in my life in relation to the opposite sex/women, where all of them involved not actually touching. Actually, my first girlfriend in high school was the same way. I must have been about 14 and the "farthest" I got with this girl was holding hands, despite our being in a relationship. Again, I don't even remember the details of why were were in a relationship, other than after a certain point the pregprogramming kicked in and that was just the way it was.

So, kindergarten, the lake, the cruise, high school, recently (actually many times) all examples of where I have a memory specifically related to sex/contact "not happening" with another. And then this recent recurring experience where I suppress sex. And now memories coming back of negative experiences during sex and maybe that is why the current suppression is happening. But clearly the reason for all this sexual weirdness (if it's not just a matter of learning) is that I wasn't taught how to be sexually stable/confident, to own my sexuality, but was subject to conflicting forces of sex-shaming and also pressure to be virile.



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viktor
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Re: Suppressing Sex

Postby viktor » 09 Apr 2017, 07:36

Interesting story Tyler,

How about redefining sex for yourself? Thus far you have had experiences and society tell what sex is, when you should have it, why you should have it, with whom you should have it, how about you making a decision for yourself as what you want sex to be? And here you also have the opportunity to redefine sex in such a way that would be supportive for EVERYONE – best for ALL. Because – let's admit it – the current definition of sex that we have as a collective is not effective – as is proven by such points as porn, trafficking, various kinds of prostitution – we have definitely missed something as to what sex is and how it can be developed.

Hence, instead of having a polarized definition of sex, where it is either good, or bad, give it a definition that is SUPPORTIVE – that assists and supports the LIFE in you and others to come forth and grow.

And I would also say, that it is not necessarily a bad thing to NOT act on desires to have sex. There are millions of examples of people following that desire, then, they have to face the consequence = children – or worse – sexually transmitted diseases. A friend of mine shared an interesting perspective – Do not have sex with someone unless you are willing to stand with the potential consequences – where he referred to children. And in a way – I find that an accurate observation – because each time we have sex with someone – that is what we are actually playing 'risking'. Thus – before 'following' the desire to have sex – such potential outflows are important to take into consideration.

My suggestion would be that you make the decision to have or to not have sex PRINCIPLED – meaning – you DECIDE when you have sex or not – because you see that it would be supportive/best for all/common sense.



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tylersr
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Re: Suppressing Sex

Postby tylersr » 09 Apr 2017, 10:47

My suggestion would be that you make the decision to have or to not have sex PRINCIPLED – meaning – you DECIDE when you have sex or not – because you see that it would be supportive/best for all/common sense.
Yes, I can see that the self-decision to move into/as sex is 'clouded' within other uncertainties within my life related to money. Also, not sure if there are real consequences from not having had sex for a long time that are contributing to this sense of urgency to have sex or if I've just built it up in my mind that way. I did hear in a video a while back that that the body requires sex and I can see that it could be an opportunity to ground myself here. But I feel like, compared with others who have had sex regularly/semi-regularly during this long drought for me, I am not stable and ready to move into sex with ease.

I forgive myself for comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define moving into sex easily as more than having resistance to sex.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that we are in different places in our life such that I am dealing with the consequences of long periods of sexual abstinence and social isolation that have resulted in a built up resistance to sex. These issues are my own and I am capable of dealing with them myself. I commit myself to explore redefining sex on my own terms so that when I decide to have sex it is within the principle of what is best for all.



Marlen
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Re: Suppressing Sex

Postby Marlen » 13 Apr 2017, 16:40

I agree with what Viktor has shared and also consider looking in depth at what you described earlier on

I'd like to add that currently this person is assisting me enormously in a financial way. So, part of the looping pattern is that I will suppress sex with this person and then, afterwards, I will think about it and think, well NOW I should move on this point. Except then I can see that if I force the point as a matter of "principle" or to try to make up for suppressing it earlier, the timing/context might not be quite right and then what I am doing is possibly creating an awkward situation with this person where they no longer wish to house me. So then I think "well, sex isn't worth risking getting kicked out into the street so I better not ask now".
To me this seems to be the conflictive point that might be preventing you from actually moving into expression, so you can clarify for yourself who you are in sex and whether you decide to link it to a relationship or not and communicate about it with the other person, after all there are no set 'guidelines' of 'how it must be' - it's all about being frank and direct about where you're at, what you are willing to stand as in the context of having sex with another and have the other person become aware of it as well, that's my suggestion. So you can define whether it is a relationship situation or only a sex situation or if it's both and so through walking your own clarification around it, you might get to a clarity in relation to where you stand in the situation with the other person.

So the question can be what am I suppressing, fearing, judging and reacting to within myself that results in me avoiding sex? So that it's not only 'sex' you look at but what's behind it and what is attached to the idea of it in your mind currently.



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tylersr
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Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Suppressing Sex

Postby tylersr » 15 Apr 2017, 19:26

Well, this person is already involved in a relationship. Additionally, she has history with a family member. Thus, if we were to get together, it would be more of just a matter of what went on between us, but would have implications in terms of what it brings up in her in relation to my family member, what it might bring up in that family member if he were to find out that now I've been sexually involved with this person, not to mention all the people in our lives who know about their past history. So part of the hesitation is a practical matter because I know that having sex with this person will create consequences that I may be called to deal with.




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