stuttering demon

Share and ask your moments and experiences in random, unpredictable, sudden moments that happened to you - you'd like to understand. Whether it be during a discussion with someone and not understanding why certain thoughts / behaviours came up in you or another. Not understanding another's facial expression or even your own when looking in the mirror etc. So, this thread is dedicated to the everyday life moments we WONDER about but never ask.
Raúl
Posts: 137
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

stuttering demon

Postby Raúl » 31 May 2017, 16:20

I can't explain myself perfectly in english but i'll try, and if anyone understands what i mean, a perspective will be appreciated

So yesterday, i was going to a rehearsal, and in the moment i close the door of my house i notice i have let the keys inside, so after 30 mins of thinking of ways to enter my house i come with the idea of asking my neighbour to go to his terrace so i can get to the roof of the building and enter to my own terrace and my home, this i have done it in the past, 1 or 2 times that i have let the keys at home. So the thing is that the 2 neighbours who "know" me and live next to me weren't at home, so i thought the only solution possible, was to ask to an unknown neighbourd, anyone who lives in the doorway next to mine, if he can do the favour for me and let me get to the roof of the building so i can enter my house. I was extressed, because i was going late, i had lost my bus, and i needed my keys.

So there i am, next to the intercom of the doorway next to mine, and i know it's something hard to explain, that i need to get to the roof of the building, that means i am asking an unknown person to enter his house enter his terrace and get to the roof. I personally, if i am in that situation, i would give 0 fucks (sorry about this word, it's a word) about letting someone enter my home for 2 secs, and get to the roof of the building, in fact i did it once with an unknown neighbourd and he behaved like if i wasn't doing a special thing, to helping him so normally and so naturally, and it's not like if i needed the recognition that i am special, but i know that normally people tend to be scared or i don't know they have a strange feeling when it comes to a stranger asking for help, specially if their home is involved, and i felt good to help this person that needed it while being normal and natural and this guy didn't even noticed, he just got the roof he couldn't enter his house and came back screaming because he was angry, said a fake thank you and left.
This makes me think that maybe if i said oh my god how you dare asking me for help! this is unacceptable! but i will let you so thank me as much as possible!! if i said that to this person, i am sure he would have been thankfull, but i behaved normally and helped him like it's normal and costs nothing so he just ignored me, like if my value was 0

So there i am, i know i have the potential to explain this person why i am not asking an awkward thing, i can invent shitty fake words like Hello sir i live in the other doorway, i don't wish to bother you but i need help and i would need blablabla roof blablabla

So there i am, preparing myself to talk in a natural way, say this sentences that will make this situation look like a normal one, even if it is a normal one! but people is stupid! they can't act natural or normal, they can't listen to words from an unknown person in a relaxed way, and i know this, so that is why i need to prepare my sentences very specifically. So there i am, i call to the intercom this guy answers and i try to explain in the most normal way the important points about this situationts, and why i am talking to him.
i was very nervious, and i started to stutter a lot, i had tention in my speech, a lot, and it's not only in the speaking, it's in the thoughts and how i express the ideas, so my intent to make a normal speech fails and i explain things badly, in bad order, i did my best but they just came out in that way.

So if i am in the situation of the other guy at his house, i would understand PERFECTLY what this person is going through, why he is nervious, what is he really tring to express, even if he has so much tention that he can't express things correctly or in order i understand what is going on, and i would help him with his problem and with his tention. But after i finish all my sentences, that felt like a download of information in bad order and expressed badly, this guy remains in silence, in a silence of also tention i would say, he had no words, he is just there... after a while, i hear his breath, so i know he is there, and he doesn't know what to say, so i say sir? are you there? and then he behaves like a coward and just hangs off slowly but surely the intercom and goes back to his matrix existence in a secured known home

i mean if you want to tell me that what i am doing is wrong, or that i am too nervious, tell me, whatever, just say it! but why does he runs away? just leaves the situation?

this is not only this situation, this is related with all the beings that have had relation with my stuttering, most of them react this way, specially if they are strangers, they just don't want to perceive it, they prefer to ignore it existence or i don't know how to explain... i believe it is because they know they are being fake in their speech, and when they see fakeness dissapear they go like oh no i don't have this thing, i'm absolutely real and normal.

So after this experience of tensions and loosing myself completely i am feeling like you are a stutterer, there is no way to deny it, everything will be bad because now you are this

Then i find a way to get my keys, i run for the bus, i put my favorite song, and i am feeling love
i am feeling love but i know this stuttering is in my depths, it's not a solved thing, i'd like to cure this divition, maybe it just happened because i had a lot of tention in the situation... eventually i will get my answers... i hope... but a perspective here would be very much appreciated

thank you



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Leila
Posts: 2046
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 21:45
Location: South Africa
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Re: stuttering demon

Postby Leila » 01 Jun 2017, 22:30

Hey Raul,

What's interesting about your writing is that you keep focusing on your stuttering as the issue -- and that you assume that the other person turned off their intercom because of your stuttering. While in reality, there can be many reasons he decided not to help you out. Whenever I stayed in an apartment for holidays, we'd have strangers calling in with all kind of weird stories / requests -- and generally my parents would assume that they are 'up to something' and trying to get into the apartment block. And this is also something you're aware of - as you wrote exactly this in the beginning , that you're well aware most people are uncomfortable letting strangers in their house. Stuttering is often connected with nervousness, and in hearing your story, your stuttering - he may have assumed that you are nervous 'because you're up to something'.

Personally what I have found with stuttering, is that it often has to do with fear, anxiety and nervousness -- where I want to say something, but at the same time already anticipate that I will be misunderstood or be faced with questions / conflict. And in that - I overthink, overanalyse and go through so much information all at once - that once it is time to speak the words: it comes out all wrong!

If I look at how you looked at 'handling' the situation with your unknown neighbour I see the same - where you overthink, overanalyze on 'how to go about it'.

I would have a look at early childhood memories - where you tried to express something and you were misunderstood or had some kind of negative feedback. As a child, you would then condition yourself to assume that this cycle will always 'repeat'. This creates the space to create an emotional relationship to speaking / expressing yourself -- where the assumption that 'the same will happen again' adds even more fuel to the fire as your insecurity, lack of self trust etc. Then, because you stutter and don't express yourself clearly because of all the emotional tension present = people don't understand you -- and you get to confirm your own belief that 'people don't understand me' -- while all the while, you create the stuttering, the tension, the nervousness because you FEAR that people won't understand you = a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would suggest you look at the stuttering being merely a symptom, but not the actual issue you are dealing with. Where the actual point is your own relationship with yourself and your self-expression -- and where this misalignment merely presents itself / shows itself in the external manifestation of stuttering.

I'd also furthermore suggest that you keep on writing, whether in English or Spanish - to assist yourself in developing your own communication skills.
Within writing, you have the space to slow down and really look at all the points moving inside yourself and structuring them as information on an external platform like a pc / paper / notebook. Additionally this will assist in finding the right words and specifying your words - as I've found that it's easy to start stuttering or rambling when there's a movement inside self, but you yourself haven't yet completely figured out what it is / what it is you want to express.

Here you can also look at your relationship with music - where you don't need 'words' to express yourself but can impulse and stimulate yourself / others with sounds -- where you may find comfort in music because it takes you away from the reality where you know you struggle with expressing yourself with / as / through words.



Raúl
Posts: 137
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: stuttering demon

Postby Raúl » 01 Jun 2017, 23:28

thank you very much leila!!!




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