Is intimacy just feelings?

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ZachWang
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Joined: 20 May 2014, 08:50
Location: Beijing

Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby ZachWang » 08 Jun 2016, 16:46

I know a person. She is my colleague. She is a person who is very energetic and outgoing. I have been attracted to her because she is always so happy and smiling and laughing, which is quite the opposite of my personality. In the beginning, I had reactions towards being attracted by her personality and the looking of her, and being single. Because if one woman is married or in a relationship, I will not try to be close to them and they will try their best to avoid approaching other men more or less, which is quite strange because these women would probably think that all men who approach them have the intention of flirting, well, not absolutely.

So, when I tried to appraoch her after knowing her for two days, she didn't feel comfortable. And then I stopped. And now, after a month of getting to know each other in everyday life/work, she starts to initiate topics with me, meaning she starts to talk to me and has interests in me where she would ask me questions almost every time she passed by me. And then I had feelings, you know, towards her in a way of 'oh my god, she has interests in me', well, a little bit excited. And then we had more conversations. And now! she didn't reject me anymore(but probably she didn't reject me at all in the first place.). So, then I had feelings towards her. Because she gave me attention and cared about me. No matter it was overthinking or anything, I just had a intimate feeling towards her. You know, today, when I talked to her, I was in a reactive way of voicing words, you know, very feelingful and I just couldn't speak the words properly. You know, when you have much feelings inside, you just want to express yourself to speak and do. And there is something like ego or superiority governing and controlling yourself.

It is impossible to develop intimacy with another without self-intimacy in the first place. Why?

Firstly, in my case of desiring to develop intimacy with another lady through my reactive feelings regardless of her feelings it is quite self-interest and egoistic. Because in my case, I didn't consider what she really thought in her mind because we didn't have very open talkings towards each other but only in a way of guessing and measuring what one thought through viewing and judging her words and deeds.

Secondly, because I hadn't yet develop self-intimacy as myself as physicality as breath, in most cases, I would be influenced by the mind to make decisions and take actions or utter specific words because I had not been the directive principle of myself and my physical body. So, without actual and practical understanding of the word 'intimacy' in my side of and through developing and establishing a physical relationship with the word 'intimacy' through living it into everyday life, it would be impossible to do this to another being, because if I don't live it as myself physically in the first place, I will not have the ability to do it.

Thirdly, Intimacy with another is self-honesty in every moment of every breath without any reactions of the mind but merely acting and speaking unconditionally to assist and support self to express to assist and support another, equal and one as what's best for all of self and of the whole existence.

In my case, when facing the lady again, I would practise firstly erasing all my judgments and overthinkings about her and unconditionally asking and answering questions quantumly and immediately without referring to any judgments or thoughts about her before asking and answering, and most importantly, I must make sure that I will not judge how I ask her and what I ask after doing it, which is a little bit difficult to stop this because after doing or speaking something I will automatically and habitually review it to check whether it is good or bad, wrong or right within which hesitation develops extensively.

My self-judgment links more to self-image, sex, relationships, authorities as teachers and leaders, financial status, and education system, which is common. So, when it comes to these points, I will practise walking through them in daily life.



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viktor
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Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby viktor » 11 Jun 2016, 08:24

Cool Wang,

Not all relationships must necessarily lead to a partnership – sometimes a person can walk into our lives and initiate a lot of positive experiences within us – we feel attracted and experience desire. However, this does not indicate that this is the person we should be with, and that we have found the ONE. Feelings cannot be used to measure the potential of another person when it comes to creating partnerships – and instead the focus should be to establish compatibility and to identify more stable factors, that would enable a long-term relationship.

This can be hard, and what I do to support myself, is to, when a person comes into my life that initiates feelings within me, and I feel attracted to them, I look within myself to see what it is that they represent/live that I have not yet given to myself. So for example, if a female comes into my life, and she is lively and expressive, and I become attracted to her, then I ask myself: 'Okay, why is it that I become attracted to her? Am I not accepting and allowing myself to be lively and expressive?' – and if I find within myself that YES – I am not accepting and allowing myself to be lively and expressive and it is those particular characteristics that I am attracted towards in this female – then I know what I have to work with.

Because attraction works as follows: If there is a particular expression you have not embodied or given to yourself – that another person have established within themselves – then you will experience seeing that expression in another as a attraction – you will be attracted to that part of the person which you have not yet created within yourself. Thus, the solution is that you LEARN from other individuals, see what words they embody, and then start practicing living these words for yourself. See how you are able to live and embody the words lively and expressive – see how you are able to give yourself those expressions. Allow yourself to be inspired by this female, see how she moves her body, how she speaks her words, how she uses her eyes, her facial muscles, how does she make these words physical, real, a living expression? And then you can start to work with it yourself, and ask yourself: 'How do I want to embody and express these words? What is it that I require to change and direct within myself and in my physical expression to stand as these words and make them a part of me?'

And that is the process of living words, and when you have established yourself as the words you have identified, the attraction will fade away. And then you can make the decision of selecting your partner based on objective observations – compatibility – which will be a significantly more solid foundation to base a relationship upon if compared with feelings of attraction.



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Maite
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Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby Maite » 12 Jun 2016, 09:19

Cool support, Viktor.

The last Relationship Success Support hangout can give further perspective on your experiences, Wang: http://desteni.org/member/DesteniIProce ... _KuqS2TKoE



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KasperKwan
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Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby KasperKwan » 13 Jun 2016, 15:42

Firstly, I didn't read what you wrote. Just chiming in to say that intimacy, in my experience, is a realization that you actually care about yourself and everything about what you do. Just using self forgiveness as a tool to uncover the fuzzy logic behind an emotion or a feeling, means you understand you more, you discover many little ways to care for you if you continue to deconstruct and investigate.



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ZachWang
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Location: Beijing

Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby ZachWang » 14 Jun 2016, 01:52

Thanks, guys. Yeah, viktor, you are right. In the past, I always wanted or desired a relationship based on the law of attraction you just explained. Reading your words makes me realise that it is actually me not allowing myself to express myself in the way that I have been attracted to done by women. And I will work on compatibility point, because the mind always wants to go to a quick phase or get something done immediately, but compatibility is a stable point that requires time and patience to discover and establish, which is quite a physical process.



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Leila
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Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby Leila » 17 Jun 2016, 16:06

Cool that you're pacing / slowing yourself down within this wangzhangkai. Lofs of opportunities for self-reflections and things to be learnt about yourself for sure!



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SunetteSpies
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Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby SunetteSpies » 01 Jul 2016, 16:45

Thanks for sharing the understanding of attraction Viktor - Wang, you can also search on EQAFE where we have walked through this attraction experience in recordings in terms of understanding what attraction is, where it comes from, why it exists and how to work with it. That attraction, interestingly enough - doesn't define your relationship with someone, nor defines the other: it actually speaks volumes of words and expressions you have not fulfilled, embraced and lived within yourself; and so the attraction is in fact you reaching out to a part of yourself you are recognizing in another. I would really suggest for you - especially because of the process you walking with women / when it comes to women - to listen to the EQAFE recordings and videos done on the experience of attraction.

You opened up some interesting dimensions when it comes to intimacy though, that opened up within me while I was reading your words and process with intimacy - is that: oftentimes, intimacy is defined within the context of relationship, the opposite sex / partnership, being "deep with someone else". Because of this definition, there is oftentimes difficulty separating intimacy with sex / relationships. So, when you "feel you are being intimate with someone - you then think / believe you are crossing a boundary that may only exist within a committed / partnership relationship". Therefore, because this is your INITIAL DEFINITION of intimacy, the MOMENT you PERCEIVE you're being intimate or wanting to be intimate you react, back off, resist etc. to the extent where you'd even want to stay away from the person.
Obviously, Wang, here - you need to be SELF HONEST within yourself in the sense that: I have worked with people who say "they just want to be intimate / get to know the person" BUT the real truth lurking behind that statement is that they want to be /try and be / potentially see if they could possibly, probably have a chance to be in a relationship with that individual...even if they were already in a relationship, engaged or married. The Mind is relentless in its existence and can in moments push its own desires and self interest and not respect the REALITY of a relationship / relationship status of another.

So, along with walking the redefining of intimacy for yourself - I would suggest making sure you are CLEAR within your starting point and approach with this individual. The way I always make sure I am CLEAR in my communication and interaction with individuals, is to always communicate and participate in a way where I LEARN ABOUT MYSELF. The MOMENT my thoughts / backchats and experiences goes towards THEM or focuses on THEM AND ME in any way whatsoever - I stop participation, knowing that somehow, somewhere my mind is wanting to create a relationship that does not really exist.

Thus, with this women - another way to approach her is to: before you approach her, or in moments of participating and communicating with her - make those moments a PROCESS OPPORTUNITY for YOU to learn about yourself. OBSERVE your thoughts, movements, reactions, body language changes and then afterwards REFLECT on it - make it an opportunity to understand yourself, your mind more. Cause the moment your thoughts, backchats and feelings in your MIND becomes about HER - then a program is taking over within you, YOU are not HERE SELF HONESTLY with YOU, sharing you, being you...you're there for OTHER SECRET REASONS running in the background of your mind.

I will along with this point above, together with the point of how our current definition of intimacy can limit us from creating person-person relationships with people in our lives - expand on these points in EQAFE interviews to come.

Thanks for sharing!



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Gian
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:18

Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby Gian » 01 Jul 2016, 18:04

AWESOME support here. thank you



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YoganBarrientos
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Joined: 03 Sep 2011, 23:19
Location: Miami, Florida

Re: Is intimacy just feelings?

Postby YoganBarrientos » 12 Sep 2016, 06:01

Hey Wang, how's it going with this now? I want to know.

So here's something that may help you, which helped me. I can relate to your story exactly as if I lived it myself. So if I can, I would like to paint a picture for you. So this is my painting of the most meaningful relationship possible.

It starts with the very basic mutual support and assistance. I would like to emphasize MUTUAL, because one pattern I have lived is wanting to be the one that saves the other person, or wanting to be saved. And when I say support and assistance I want to emphasize like REAL PHYSICAL examples. For example, driving the other person if their car breaks down, or helping them out when they are sick etc... Using sex as a way to forget your personal responsibility like a drug is not support and assistance, I have been there and done that. One test is to see, whether the relationship is actually supportive for both persons if things such as sex and having fun didn't exist. So essentially to look objectively, does your relationship with this person actually make you a better person and benefit you, or is it holding you back? Because if it is only fun, and nothing else, well I have to say that is a waste of time. Why do I say something so controversial? (being semi-sarcastic) Because I do not expect any two people to magically hit it off without any problems, because I have seen the minds of people, my own mind, and how things are now. We are not a species of people that are actually doing what is best for all. We are quite driven to self-interest, and so self-sabotage. So all of what I have said thus far leads to my painting, which is: the best relationship possible is any person who with that person both are on the path to become your fullest potential as oneness and equality, as life, as what is best for all.

So basically, you want to be able to look back at the end of your life and say that you had walked a process where you on purpose chose relationships if they actually served your own development of who you are as a being of life. So this means things like self-respect, and self-integrity, and self-value. Because I have been in a relationship because I had no self-value, or any standards of self-respect and be willing to be anyone that would just accept me, just to have a girlfriend. Here's my final point: the purpose of life is not relationships. You are actually purpose of Life, the meaning, and value. It is you individually. So align relationships to serve that purpose that is YOU. So you see you must come first in the relationship, which means Life as oneness and equality must come first because that is your real potential. I hope this helps. Thanks- Yogan




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