Borderline personality disorder?

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DrewSantillo
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Joined: 14 Nov 2012, 04:29

Borderline personality disorder?

Postby DrewSantillo » 02 Jul 2016, 12:10

Hi everybody I just want to say first off that I am fully on board with the message and tools that desteni offers to become self aware and responsible for myself. However I'm pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder and even tho I know deep within my being how effective and amazing the desteni I process is I have tremendous difficulty living and applying the tools and walking the process because of this disorder. I am so unstable within myself and in such a state of constant chaos n hell which inhibits me from finding that solid starting point within me where I can even begin to sort myself out. I've tried doing the dip lite course but I'm always in my mind when doing the assignments and I know I'm just saying what I think I should be saying. I don't know how to get to or find that sense of trust and stability or grounded ness within myself. I'm not making excuses I seriously want to walk thru my mind and genuinely do what's best for all but this chaos within me never stops and I seriously think something must be wrong with my mental and cognitive processes. I searched on all the destinies websites for info regarding this fing nightmarish disorder but nothing came up. I wish for for death daily to get relief but I really want to live. I am so desperate, can't afford therapy which doesn't help anyway and don't believe in medications. I know desteni is legitimately the way to go but this disorder or whatever I gotgoong on is preventing me from living and walking my process. I take full responsibility for what I'm experiencing I just don't know how to move past it and progress. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated



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YoganBarrientos
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby YoganBarrientos » 02 Jul 2016, 19:10

Hi Drew,
My name is Yogan.

I can't say to know what borderline personality is. So the advice I can give right now is only based on what you have told me so far, and on my own experience. So because I don't know what BP is, can you explain what it means for you? Write a description on that.

In the meantime, so here is what I can say for sure. That wherever you are now within yourself, it will take time to change it. As you know, the desteni tools are for changing oneself. If they don't work for you right now, then its clear you need to find something that works for you right now, whatever that may be.

So you are in an unstable place, as you say. The only way you can move to a stable place is FROM that unstable place. That is the only way. So from this unstability you will create stability, slowly but surely, in small ways. So my suggestion is to find points of stability that you can GIVE yourself each day, even if they are just a few moments. What gives stability to you? Maybe it is being alone in the park or in nature or outside. Maybe it is listening to a certain kind of music. Maybe it is reading a book, watching a movie or tv show. I don't know. That is for you to know and find out. But here is a greater list: Siting with yourself and breathing deeply, playing or petting animals or pets, cooking or making food, watching the clouds, taking a long hot bath, running or swimming, doing a drawing or painting, playing a game like a video game or chess online, writing poetry.

For me I found that there are certain things which brings my focus and attention here and so brings stability. This is a bridge or support that you can give yourself daily. Whatever it may be that brings you stability, do it.

Does this suggestion make sense? Do you understand why?



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DrewSantillo
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby DrewSantillo » 02 Jul 2016, 20:11

Hi Yogan thx for ur reply. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/perso ... sorder.htm
This article explains it pretty well. In my own words all I can say is that it is an ongoing never ending experience of pure HELL. I have been searching for over 20 yrs to find something that can stabilize myself and haven't found nothing yet. It's constant instability mental and emotional torture.
This video is a good description of what it feels like
https://youtu.be/JYMlgNoiilc



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SunetteSpies
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby SunetteSpies » 03 Jul 2016, 15:43

Drew, we have a few individuals with psychological-physical disorders - such as schizophrenia for example, who have combined psychological / psychiatric support together with Desteni material and DIP. The results of this has been that: their mind-body relationship is much more stable, giving them the opportunity to be more stable within their awareness-mind relationship and so is able to walk their process through the mind, substantiate their being into their body through the process of living words. So, medications they are using are serving as a support / bridge for their process within themselves.

Drew, as you stated: you have tried walking DIP - but the condition is preventing you in a way / making it ever so more challenging. So, here - you have to come to terms with the facts and remember that: conditions such as yours, even into schizophrenia for example, is not only mental - but also affects DEEP DIMENSIONS of your being and body. This means that: you may need the support with the psychologist / psychiatrist and the medications they suggest to support the BODY to stabilize, so that your MIND can slow down and stabilize more, so that in this MIND and BODY STABILITY - your BEING and AWARENESS has the opportunity to walk a process.
I am not saying that you're necessarily always going to be dependent on the medications / external support: but, it will provide you with that INITIAL STABILITY SUPPORT PLATFORM you need to ground yourself, slow down and walk your process.

If this avenue is not possible / available - though do explore potential options and avenues: I'd suggest then having a sit down with yourself and realise you have only you, you've lived with this condition without help for many years - so, you can handle it, therefore, you're more than capable of handling walking the DIP process and assisting and supporting yourself. Make sure you have not reached a 'comfort zone' of sorts within yourself, where you know you actually can walk the DIP process but you're making it harder on yourself than necessary. I have come across many individuals who have found this point within themselves where: they lived with a condition for many years without help - but became so used to it, a part of themselves just didn't actually want to help themselves...the condition itself became a part of their self definition and so would end up complaining / reacting about it, but never actually REALLY pushing to change it. Once they stopped that cycle within themselves and made a decision to push, to change and find support - both through DIP and also medications with pscyhologists and psychiatrists: their lives changes for the better.

So, Drew - we'll assist and support through DIP, but you must have the willingness to actually change, which is going to be hard initially - but with not giving up and FINDING SOLUTIONS and doing that with the support of your buddy through DIP - let's do what we can to FIND SOLUTIONS. That one thing will assist and support with changing your whole process, that ONE THING of: whenever you want to give up - instead FIND AND CREATE A SOLUTION!!! This is the key to change.

Yet, will emphasize - to reconsider supporting your mind and body condition now with the support of medications through psychologist / psychiatrist.



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DrewSantillo
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby DrewSantillo » 04 Jul 2016, 03:48

Hi Sunette,
I have been in denial of having this disorder for many yrs cause I was terrified of being labeled crazy and being thrown into a mental hospital. I have been to many therapists over the years and I usually just leave more pissed off n frustrated then when I went in cause they charge 150 bucks an hr to sit there and stare at me. I guess I just have to find a good one. But what impact can 1 hr of therapy have when I feel really fuked up for the other 167 hrs in the week. This disorder makes everything so complicated. I have noticed the pattern or cycle of me reaching out for support when things get really bad but then not following thru on doing the things that can actually help me to change. Maybe I'm expecting immediate results and when I don't get them I give up. Anyway I appreciate your support and I will follow thru this time and keep pushing myself no matter what



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KimKline
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby KimKline » 05 Jul 2016, 02:56

Hi Drew,

I can relate a lot to what you said in your initial post here. I also checked out the links you posted, they were fascinating and I could relate to many different aspects of this disorder explained in article and video as well. Personally, I have OCD with a self-harm element, which, interestingly enough is one of the symptoms or outflows of BPD. Even just writing oftentimes I experience shortness of breath, and what feels like lightning bolts of fear and anxiety, while all I am doing is sitting in my bed and writing! So there is seemingly no logical or rational reason for me to be feeling this way most of the time, yet I do. I too have been experiencing what I would often describe as a 'living hell' in terms of the internal chaos of dizzying confusion, overwhelming anxiety, intense fear, and real physical discomfort/trapped/festering feelings that feels like claustrophobia in my own body. I also have a lot of difficulties with the courses because for me to sit still and just be in my body is sometimes like a nightmare and as much as I want to just write, I just can't seem to force myself to. Often times I will end up harming myself or just going to bed because then I will be unconscious and can't do any damage that way, like an 'off' switch, that is, if I can sleep! So, I just wanted to express a bit about what I go through or have been through to show you the similarities even though the disorders are different.

I can also understand how frustrating it can be when the medical world doesn't seem to offer any solutions, like, none at all, which feels really terrifying and scary because when I realized that, I really felt like I was on my own. BUT, I have been walking my process with the Desteni tools for about 7 years now and I will say that the phrase 'on my own' has taken on a whole new meaning. What I mean is that this is no longer a scary thing to me, but I rather feel empowered and not alone at all. Not only do I have myself, but I have this amazing group of people that has supported me unconditionally even when I am not consistent and come and go with varying degrees of effectiveness and stability. Most people or institutions will give up on such behaviour, but I have now been shown unconditional support and have found it in myself as well. And I will tell you that I have managed to push myself to write and uncover and untangle bits of myself, and even those small bits have served me and are serving me now.

I'm not here to say this is an easy way out at all, but I know that you have the potential to develop yourself into someone that can handle this and walk through this disorder, simply because I see it in myself and in those around me, and I have seen the change. For me personally, it's almost as if my experience has become more intense since I started my process, but I know it's because I have accumulated quite the consequences, as well as having gotten rid of all of my vices and distractions, so I am now facing the thing head on. It seems unbearable, but at the same time, I'm still here. And I'd rather be here in my own apparent 'living hell' then an alcoholic, a drug addict, completely crazy, or dead (among the many options available to people with mental disorders). I will not give up on myself and I will not give myself away to any of these things. Even though it seems hard now, it could be a lot worse if you give up and succumb to it. We have been developing these disorders our whole lives and now we have a way available to stop and develop ourselves and our strengths instead. it's like stopping creating a destructive force in your life and instead creating something completely opposite: constructive, beneficial, supportive, caring, nurturing, understanding and more.

Sunette suggested treatment and that is cool, but not cool if you can't afford it. I was in the same position for years, held back by finances but also by my own mind (shame, embarrassment, pride), because I didn't even want to admit to a doctor about what I was going through. But with the common sense and practical perspective that I was able to enhance and develop through this forum and all the support, I was able to see that I had more resources available than I would have originally thought. I ended up (after many years and life changes) getting a different job that offers insurance so I am now about to investigate cognitive behavioural therapy, which I will of course combine with the writing I am pushing myself to do. So, I would say, take a good look at your reality right now, and really push yourself to see what resources are available to you, ones that you might have before not considered due to mind stuff like resistance, pride, embarrassment, doubt, etc... Looking at your living situation, your employment situation, your family situation, what government resources might be available; what changes can you make in your life to open up different opportunities or access to resources etc... . If you really see that Desteni is a solution, you will also see that you are worth doing everything possible to support yourself. If you have the wherewithal to post here for assistance and support, than you have enough to take the first steps.

Also, if you find the course structure difficult, you can also try just writing when and as you are able. Try out some self-forgiveness statements just for you, with no other purpose but to support yourself. Keep investigating the material as you can, read and watch and listen to the material available. Start writing here on the forum so that you can get feedback and suggestions etc... there are many places to start, and there is always support available here on the forum.



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DrewSantillo
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby DrewSantillo » 09 Jul 2016, 02:02

Hi Kim,
I can relate to a lot of what u said especially the feeling of being claustrophobic inside myself. It's just so frustrating cause I don't seem to be able to ever make any progress within myself and my experience. I go from believing I can do and be anything I want to barely being able to get out of bed. It's so extreme with no solid starting point. I have made an appt with a therapist who specializes in treating BPD so I am looking forward to learning more about it and hopefully acquiring some more coping skills. I will gladly share anything that seems to help. Thanks again for ur reply it was very supportive to me in a lot of ways



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Gian
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby Gian » 09 Jul 2016, 15:16

awesome support here. Drew, we are all here. Take Kim's Suggestions of being more active on the forum with writings, self forgiveness, perhaps you can help so many others out there with the same disorder if you place your journey in written support here, what you are finding and so on.



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KimKline
Posts: 500
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 06:05

Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby KimKline » 10 Jul 2016, 16:39

Drew, that's great about seeing the therapist! Really, the statement you are making to yourself is that you are standing up for yourself, to support yourself and to take steps for your own betterment.

Regarding your statement here:

"It's just so frustrating cause I don't seem to be able to ever make any progress within myself and my experience."

The key word is 'seem'. What I have found through this process is the times where I 'seemed' my strongest, I was actually quite in the mind and had a fall afterwards ("pride cometh before the fall"). Conversely, times where I 'seemed' to be at my weakest, where my mind was telling me I was a failure, I can't do this, I'm so weak/not going to make it etc... THOSE were actually the times where, looking back now, I was actually making the most progress within myself, in continuing to stand and continuing to look within myself and see that point within me that I am fighting for, despite what my mind was telling me.

So, take a look at yourself right now: You are at a point where you are going from one extreme to the other, where you sometimes feel like you can't get out of bed, and yet from this point of chaos and instability, what action did you take? Did you throw your hands up and say "I give up, this is too hard?" No! You made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in BPD! And you came out of it on the other side looking forward (not back), where, in your own words, you are "looking forward to learning more about it and hopefully acquiring some more coping skills." And you came here and posted here, in a supportive environment where you have seen solutions. This is how you directed yourself, not towards drugs/alcohol/sex/avoidance/escape/destruction, but towards assistance, self-support, strengthening, growth, stability. So, give yourself some credit for how you are walking so far. Rather than frustration (and I KNOW how frustrating it can be!), show yourself some patience.

Lastly, looking at what you said here:

"I go from believing I can do and be anything I want to barely being able to get out of bed."

The key word here is 'believing'. This can be quite the tool of self-sabotage, because I can believe that I can be so strong and walk through OCD/BPD and I have repeatedly worked myself up to a point where I feel so full of strength and then the next day - I feel completely flattened and go into an OCD possession which 'puts me back in my place' so to speak, and then I go into self-judgment and all sorts of unnecessary consequences. Rather not go into beliefs and imagination about what you could or should be, but instead support and accept yourself unconditionally as you are RIGHT NOW, with all your flaws and imperfections. Embrace and cherish yourself, you've been on a tough road and although you are responsible, you are not to blame, so forgive yourself. For me, I have a document on my computer that I simply open up when things get tough, and I let it all out in writing. I let it flow out of me: everything that is bothering me, how it is making me feel, I try to describe to myself EXACTLY how I am feeling in words, and I look at my life and the past days to see what caused or is causing it, then I just flow in to self-forgiveness on it. This is for when I am in the headspace where I am not able to do coursework or follow the course structure. My goal is always to get back to doing the coursework so that I can learn and expand my understanding of myself, my mind, and develop the skills I need to manage this relationship. But sometimes it is just about putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day! So, in this, I DO 'believe' I can do this, and I DO have 'hope', but these words for me are now based on what I have proven to myself. They are not ungrounded words for me anymore, but rather words that have a footing in reality, in proof. You have already started developing this footing and proof for yourself as well, in your writing and participation here, in your attempts to do the course, and in your seeking therapy now and in the past. This is what will give you ground to stand upon, just never give up on yourself. Never give up, and know that you can do this.



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JessicaA
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Re: Borderline personality disorder?

Postby JessicaA » 16 Jul 2016, 20:56

Cool Post.

And cool information and support
I have this disorder, at least that´s what my doctors say - lol, I don´t define myself as this disorder.

Well, I wanted to share you my blog, I will be sharing how I have been supporting myself through the experiences I have, which has been difficult for me cause I also have a lot of ups and downs and its hard to be consistent in many things. But with Desteni tools I am assisting me in pushing myself. I know We can control de symptoms and control them, be aware, recognize them and stop feeding them. So, maybe it can help if you like to read it :)

https://jessicalifejourney.wordpress.com/




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