Hey Uzoma, cool for sharing, no point is 'petty' but it represents parts of things that we accept and 'tolerate' as part of 'how we experience ourselves' most of the times and interestingly enough, to me walking in the streets and having these constant reactions towards drivers that don't consider the pedestrians is exactly one.
I go for a walk every day and I happen to live in the city as well. So, to me it had become an almost 'normal point' to go using cars that don't respect the lights or don't give way to pedestrians - like me - as a source of annoyance, throwing hissy fits about it even if they weren't 'serious' according to me, it had become a clear pattern - and guess what? After months of making it a point to change, it IS still a working point with me where I have to deliberately stop reacting 'to the same old' and instead be extra cautious when crossing streets/walking in streets. I noticed how I would create also like an 'armor' I'd carry around as 'myself when walking in streets' almost in a defensive mode, almost in a 'me against the world' mode, and I've realized how I create this experience the moment I give too much thought into the outside, when I start judging the traffic, the time of the day, the day of the week and so making it as a reason 'why there's so much traffic' for example. Like in my case one friday not long ago, passing through very crowded streets, people in bars and cafés and the rest of it, lots of cars trying to find parking spots, it was dark, I gave too many thoughts into judging the whole moment to the point where I felt physically sick, disgusted, and I reloaded a particular experience of 'disgust' to all of humanity in general, I just wanted to be 'out of that moment' or 'out of the world.'
Now, what this moment reflected is exactly the kind of experiences I had been creating as usual judgments towards what I have defined as 'the masses' or 'the chaos' or 'the traffic' or 'the drinkers in bars' or 'people having fun' in a particular manner and using 'THEM' as a trigger for me to create such reaction which I had in fact created and 'grown' within myself for my entire life in a very subtle and suppressed manner which I am seeing for the most part with more obviousness as of late, it is not like I wasn't 'aware' of it though, but it has become much more of a physical experience that I cannot deny or just 'brush aside' any longer and suppress it even more.
These seemingly 'unnoticeable' moments of what I've defined as anger and disgust - to give it but a short name - are patterns, very ingrained in me that I have had Tolerated for a long time and it won't go away until I make a clear and decisive step to stop feeding my own self-created experience. Because If I look at what my 'happiness point' would be, is to see everything almost empty, and I have in fact noticed how much I can 'enjoy' myself apparently when there's barely anyone in the streets for example, like in christmas eve or christmas day, I had such a 'joy' apparently because there was barely anyone on the streets where I walked.
But in self-honesty, I have conditioned myself to 'enjoy' the empty streets and so charge it within a positive experience Because! of how I have defined crowded, with lots of traffic streets as 'negative' or 'giving me a bad experience' but here's definitely where I have to be self-honest in realizing that no cars, no one can come into my head and body and trigger such experiences in me: it's all about me, my definitions around 'walking in traffic' or 'walking through crowds' and this is a point I have written about long ago, but as long as I keep giving myself the justification in the sense of 'It makes sense that I react in anger to cars not giving me the way to cross the street' or 'it makes sense that I am disgusted at people drinking on a friday night' or 'I am so disgusted at humanity for what we've become as this 'scum' that sucks the earth dry'...
I could go on and on in finding reasons, excuses and justifications as to why I find my experience outside an 'unsettling' experience, but the moments that I have been directive, I realize that I can actually stop myself from playing my 'old broken record' about all these ideas, judgements and justifications as to 'why I get pissed off' and instead live the word precaution, live awareness in the moment, if anything 'heightened awareness' because it is a bit of a situation to be walking around and so forth, but I haven't given up on it or gone into seclusion either, but the other way around.
Every day I have to remind myself of applying this caution, awareness and patience as well because it was my own hastiness and desire to 'rush' that also caused these 'confrontations' with me vs the cars or me against the world lol. Because I wanted things and traffic to be 'my way' but realistically, of course it won't happen and I even have to now apply myself when walking on 'empty streets' to not create this form of 'joy' about it because it is just the polarity of all the rest of 'negative' experiences I've attached to crowds, to traffic, even 'friday nights' to be precise.
What is this seemingly 'tiny' pattern showing in me? That I still exist as friction and conflict - which means I exist as my mind, as 'the worst part of me' while walking in the streets, while finding the particular set of triggers that I have defined as something I dislike, I react to in anger or disgust and who does it all to myself? Myself.
So here I can only be the one that decides to change this and take this on to a correction. Let me tell you, it becomes so automated, so 'natural' unfortunately, almost like an addiction that I have to get rid of when deciding to not be wearing my 'armor' of 'me vs the cars' or 'me vs the world' type of thing while out and about walking in the streets.
Here I share some self forgiveness around it:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate a pattern of reacting to cars, traffic, honking, lots of cars and fumes in the streets where I have defined all of that as annoying, as stinking, as stressing, as a constant 'fight' that I have to put on towards the cars, and 'the world out there' in order to have everyone 'respect the rules' or leave more space for me, or just not drive on the streets at all to make 'me happy' instead of realizing that it is about Me, who I am and how I decide to experience myself while going out for a walk everyday into the streets, where I am the one that can decide to no longer fuel the reactions of anger, disgust, irritation and annoyance to the cars, the fumes, the honking, the traffic, the 'irresponsible drivers' any longer, but instead live the words patience to rather wait for cars to pass, for lights to properly change before I want to jump into a particular 'pace' that I like to walk - fast paced - that I have realized can be much more consequential in these situations, because I HAVE to consider others as well as myself, equally, and learn to place myself in their shoes and how I expect them to be 'aware of myself' but, have I considered them entirely of how they have to be so alert and aware to cater for my pace and walk? Not entirely, it is a point I have to work with and so within this, learning to be a responsible pedestrian that is no longer fighting 'against them' but rather breathing and let the flow of cars pass and wait for the particular moment for me to pass.
This has functioned quite well, takes more 'time' maybe, yes, but hey at least I ensure my safety and that of the cars as well and not trying to 'juggle' my way through - so here you can see how I was 'masking' my anger 'towards others' lol based on wanting 'my way' to be 'the way' that everyone can be driving and considering me and my needs to cross fast and 'respect all signals' and whatnot, but it was all tailored to suit me, my self-interest and preference of 'walking fast, crossing fast' and being like in this sort of 'video game' of sorts that I've created in terms of passing through people, cars, etc. When in fact, this can be very, very dangerous.
I know that your point might be different in nature, but I share it here anyways as it is one of those 'day to day' seemingly 'not important' things as well that I have to consider within myself to change and stand through because, man, I've been walking in the streets this way for over a decade, almost every day. So that's definitely one of my points that I have to be deliberately practicing on as well and see it for what it is and apply practical corrections.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of annoyance and disgust when seeing too many cars, hearing too much noise in the streets on a friday night while going out for a walk, where I go slowly allowing myself to go judging every bit around me as a 'parasitical race' that we've become where I judge the fact that there's 'too many of us' and make of it an Experience within me, a negative experience of 'disgust' that I create upon seeing too many people, too many cars, people drinking in bars specifically or 'having fun' there wherein my happiness point would be everyone to be 'in order' and not making noise and not 'crowding' everything - lol, where I see how 'my happiness point' is actually not realistic in this world and where I live in.
Therefore practically seeing it, I have two options, either I follow my mind's experience and live as a recluse 'out of the grid' somewhere else, or I learn how to live here and work through my reactions that I have attached to the city, night life, crowded streets, traffic and noise and stop blaming all of that as the source of my experience. I choose the latter because that's where I push myself to change me, to stand up to my experience instead of giving into my limitations, judgments and experiences.
This is what I see Uzoma relates a bit to your decision to 'keep yourself inside' where you instead prefer not to go out as an avoidance point, and that's where I'd suggest that you reconsider this, because we cannot practically avoid 'being in this world' if you have to be in it for any reason. And again, even if you had the means and ways to live 'outside of the grid' if your starting point is that of avoidance of 'the cars and traffic' or 'the masses' then it would not be a self-honest decision, but a decision triggered by the emotions you have piled up on this experience that you create within you related to cars, walking, driving, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of 'blame' mode towards others, all those 'people in the cars' and 'the crowds' and 'the noise' as the source of my anger and discomfort, instead of realizing that they are but triggers that I have created within me to 'bring up' an experience that I haven't yet decided to stop within myself such as anger, annoyance, irritation, fighting, complaining about everything that is not happening 'the way I would like to' without realizing that in this, I am limiting myself to be constantly 'unsatisfied' because I've realized that my 'happiness points' are nothing but realistic in the context I live in. Therefore, I make it a point here to ensure that I don't participate in judgments and therefore in negative energetic experiences attached to seeing too many cars, too many people, hearing too much noise or 'people drinking in bars' which I have used as an excuse for me to create an experience within me that is not supportive for myself - as my body, my mind - and is not going to change anything in the outside either.
I recognize how futile it is for myself to continue fueling any judgments, any 'adjectives' that I tend to Tolerate existing in my mind towards the things I have created a negative experience towards, and instead I decide to live that which is supportive for myself, as my body and mind, to develop patience, to develop consideration towards people's lives, space and equal 'right to be here' as myself, to be cautious considering that yes there might be those that wont' follow traffic lights or rules and I can be at risk, and in this then developing flexibility to realize things won't always be 'my way' which means I have to adapt to the nature of how things are because I cannot continue fighting about this within myself every day upon the same thing.
I decide to stop making of 'others' the source of my discomfort and instead, take full self-responsibility for my experience, my created experiences towards 'what is here' including myself as a human being, and so instead live as the harmony that I have been wanting to 'see manifested outside of myself' yet I haven't yet lived entirely As myself, within myself.
As a last note, it has been very supportive for me to understand the mechanisms of our mind and how we are entirely wired to be in constant friction and conflict, and how something seemingly 'righteous' as anger - in my case - in these seemingly 'simple' situations become addictions, a thing we continually 'fall upon' as 'the way we are' in relation to something or someone. Those are the points to challenge the most, those are the points that I've seen keep a hold of me, almost 'trapped' in the same broken record of my experience in the outside until I decide to deliberately start breaking through it.
So practical thing to do in moments where I am in the streets and I see myself going into disgust, anger, wanting to blame others for not doing the 'expected,' I stop and I breathe, I can speak self forgiveness out loud to stabilize myself and deliberately take myself to a point of common sense and realize how I cannot 'change others' and 'their ways' and 'their driving skills' or make them 'see me' but I can be the solution in being cautious, super aware, super 'here', being flexible, going at a moderate pace, not building up my 'fighting armor' towards the world but rather embracing the reality as is and rather focus on my body, my experience as a physical body walking, being aware of my surroundings, and stopping feeding any judgment that qualifies 'what is here' either in a positive or negative way.
That's the way for me.
I've been writing more on these subjects in my blog so If you'd like to read them, check them out as well
And I've emphasized the word Tolerate here because I consider this interview in the Jesus series will be very supportive for you as well as it was for me, check it out if you can: Tolerating Your Mind - The Crucifixion of Jesus - Part 90
Thanks for sharing again