Reptilian Series part 59: My relationship with aloneness

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Reptilian Series part 59: My relationship with aloneness

Postby ZachWang » 23 May 2017, 10:11

In this recording, Anu exactly described the experiences I have been going through during these years, which is the fear of being alone, wanting to be understood, cared and loved by others. And it is quite "physical" in a sense in terms of the conditions by which I am living in this world system where my family didn't have money to start with, which drove me not dare to do anything that would cost money because of the experiences I had when my parents blamed me extensively and emotionally when I bought something I wanted to played with, or even when I expressed/said something to my parents. And even going to play with my friends would be forbidden when my father ordered me to stay at home because he didn't want me to go out without any apparent reasonable reasons, usually he would use "just stay at home!!" "who else is like you, always go out to play, don't go out!!". And later in my life, I became like my father when I dealt with things and people because I would just order people to do things without any reasonable excuses or reasons, kind of like just wanting to force them to do this and that. And such a bad communication skill led to a dead end in trying to talk to people to have a normal/ordinary conversation. And finally, I was left alone. And currently, the only opportunity/chance to communicate with people is during my worktime where I talk to my colleagues, communicate with the kids or the parents. However, after work, I will always be alone with myself, without being with anyone. There is no hangout, no party, no visiting, no moments of being with friends, etc. After work, I really experienced the heaviness, burden, stress, aloneness, worry, thoughts, fears, recalling the day passed by, being lost in memories and projections, and doing research about the world, business, etc.

Besides, my parents are expecting me to get married in the following 2-3 years, which is unacceptable for me. But it is impossible for me to negotiate with them, because their belief systems are too solid and unchangeable. I mean, honestly, I don't have money to start a family. And I don't have the ability to educate another being where I don't have the ability to educate myself yet. I don't want to be against my parents but they really gave a lot of stress, so much stress that I can't even handle, which would often lead to me collapsing completely. Because what I have been thinking about marriage and starting a family is that I must have enough money to support our basic living conditions and a lot more other costs, and I also must have the ability to actually live here to be an actual example to my children if I start a family. But all these things can't be realized or achieved in one day or 2-3 years.

What I am currently experiencing is like the world system, my family and the mind consciousness system are trying to attack and be against me so that I would never stand up? I feel that it is really difficult to walk forward and move forward with such burdensome external manifested consequences and addictive internal accepted and allowed programs, thought patterns, reactions, memories and imaginations based on the constant energy creation in deliberately creating conflicts and frictions inside myself.

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