It is the most popular topic for men to talk about women, especially in women's appearances, like, is this girl pretty? or, she is not pretty, or, well, it is not ugly though, etc. When people ask me about whether a girl is pretty or not, oftentimes I would say I don't judge people according to their lookings, so don't ask me questions like this. But there do exists some pretty pictures and images in my mind that I don't want to admit but pretending to be some sort of superior guy more than others to apparantly stand in a higher place of morality where sex is not right, it is dirty and relationship is not right, we shouldn't go into a relationship. And there really exists a morality design that enslaves and controls me where I really believe in such bullshit and of course I have been preprogrammed to do so, why? Because at a very young age, I already had a tendency to hide or escape from anything involving stuff between men and women, I even couldn't approach women properly, meaning connecting them in a way. So, my relationship system was stuck. And my sex system had been suppressed.
So, eventually the sex system beats the morality stuff because one is only some beliefs that are able to be changed as time goes by, yet the other is an actual designed manifested system within and as physical body, though both of them are quite ingrained. But my relationship system didn't develop at all. Connecting people was a hard thing because I didn't know how. Nobody taught me, and I was not born to have such a 'natural' ability. So, for quite a long time, I had been quite depressed because I WANTED and DESIRED to connect people and to be intimate with someone but I just couldn't interest people so I became a little bit passive in connecting people and turned to focus on studying and studying all the time through depressing and compromising all the other areas of my LIFE. And yes, money played an important role in the whole picture, but I will not talk about it.
So, for some years, I would become shy and nervous when I talked to other people. And I was very numb during early school years because you know, there were extensive thoughts and emotions running in my mind every single day, you know, study, competition, stress, family, future, expectation, I was extremely tired and desperate, which was during the year from 2006 to 2009. During these three years of mind energy generation from my age of 13 to 16, I had been totally possessed by inner emotions of anxiety, worry and fear. I restricted myself TOO MUCH where it actually had nothing to do with money whereas I attached too much importance towards money because for me to go to a junior high school, it actually cost only a little bit amount of money. So, after that, I started to question myself and everything in the existence, and after two years where I was 18, I came across Desteni where it was 2012. But everything had been still playing out as consequences, and I learnt to masturbate in 2012.
Previously during my senior high school at my age of from 16 to 19, everytime I couldn't deal with too much energy within me in school, I would ask for a leave to go home and quarelled with my parents because they felt hopeless and disappointed about me and they would blame and judge me, or I would just walk around on the road or listen to songs or keep diaries, or read books. But I didn't masturbate yet the energy accumulated.
And so, that's why I didn't approach a girl or get along well with a girl until I got to the college 1700 kilometers away from my home in the south of China. And that was my transition to go into the society. In October of 2014, I went to a company as a warehouse worker, guarded by my college because it was arranged by my school and the salary was good, yet I didn't pay much attention to money even though I knew I lacked money, so I quit this job after 3 months. And my real independent participation in the world system was in April, 2015 where I on my own to hunt for jobs to go to various locations from ShenZhen to Shanghai, and then Beijing, after a year of hunting, working and quiting jobs, I finally settled in Beijing and found a job I like. I spent about 4000 dollars in total ending up with 2000 dollars in debt now. And also, there is my student loan of 3000 dollars for me to pay back to the government. I had no money to begin with, I had to borrow any way. As I see, it is not so much money, but I was too anxious about the debt in the beginning, fearing of not being able to pay back. But in this year of 2016, I am able to pay back all the money that I borrowed from the bank and other people as long as I keep at my current work, it is not a problem at all.
So, back to the topic of comparison with men and judging women according to their appearance. So, when I deal with men, I have to be aware of comparison and judgment towards myself and them no matter what we talk about or do. With women, I have to stop my mind pictures or fantasies about them to stand in their shoes when I physically talk to them. And when talking about women, I must make sure that I don't talk about women that I am not familiar with, because it is TOO easy to imagine or fantasize them because I don't know them at all.
I actually don't want or desire for sex or masturbation or even a relationship, it is something that drives me to do so. It is pictures, feelings, emotions, thoughts, energies, etc. But, at the same time, I can choose to express myself through sex, masturbation and relationships through directing myself to do so. I am going to redefine and live these three words.