Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

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Nicholas
Posts: 28
Joined: 14 Dec 2011, 02:10

Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Nicholas » 25 Mar 2012, 02:55

http://desteni.org/member/SunetteSpies/ ... oymB3nCo8o
http://desteni.org/member/SunetteSpies/ ... 0U49C-aB7Q

In response to the video interviews Social Fear: Fear of being liked, Fear of Not being liked

I've experienced the fear of not being liked as a total possession. It started 5 months ago and has compounded.. Like when Im with someone who is not bothered by judging me, or someone who is secure enough within that even if they do judge me it doesn't effect me because I know that they still probably like me or are doing it with the intention of being genuine. Like if you went to speak with the 'wisest' man in the world on top of some mountain, he might judge you a bit but you could tell that he's happy either way.. What can throw me off balance or make me go silent is when people judge or dislike from a point of serioussness or indirectly.

Ive become possessed with the overall situation of communication. Leading up to and during Im thinking about how I can talk and act in a way that will be most normal whilst also analysing to see if the other person has noticed anything unusual about me. What I have found is that if my thoughts are circulating in this fear then it is difficult to connect. The thoughts as a starting point need to be clear or the words will carry the negativity and fear. And having an emotional attachment to people who I meet and speak with means that I have been striving to make connection instead of detaching myself emotionally and talking.

If you have someone in your family that is experiencing some social fears would you judge them and criticise them indirectly through thoughts and messages to try to assist and support them? In many cases inadvertently yes, but it would be more effective to assist and support them consciously from a point of equality and then acting as a living example. When a blind person or a disabled person is raised in a family they will be able to experience life in the most abundant way when the people around them treat them as equal, allowing them to function to their potential with ease instead of creating circumstance where they are constantly functioning against an ignorant tide of doubt and negative association attributed to their innate disability. In society for the most part the latter of the scenarios exists pushing those down who are not socially adequate or who are appearing fake or not able yet to be themself because of fear. And allowing those who are most decieptful to rise to the top.

So why do we not translate the standard that exists 'ideally' within functional families over into society? Why do we treat people who are not our instant family any differently? It is because most of us (excluding the wise man on the mountain) carry these same fears within, a fear of being ourselves completely and instead keeping up the competitive charade or theatrical type performance and self deception that we are not all equal. It is also easier to continue this way because it prolongs the amount of time before people have to face self revelation. Its kind of like, if a child was lost or homeless on the street people would come to their aid. But if an adult is homeless or lost or psychologically challenged (including the 'sociopaths' who control the financial system) then they are usually just disregarded, rejected, judged, critiqued, criticised, ignored.

For me, the fear of being liked has also come with this because if someone 'new' got to 'know' me then they would find out that I am experiencing reality with these strange fears which I am temperamental about exposing, so I am as guilty as anyone looking at self deception. To overcome this Im remaining sensible and not attempting to please.

If anyone has had similar experiences and how you have faced them please share, thanks



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Rozelle de Lange
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 14:04

Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Rozelle de Lange » 25 Mar 2012, 08:46

Hi Nicholas,
What can throw me off balance or make me go silent is when people judge or dislike from a point of serioussness or indirectly.
how I can talk and act in a way that will be most normal whilst also analysing to see if the other person has noticed anything unusual about me
For me, the fear of being liked has also come with this because if someone 'new' got to 'know' me then they would find out that I am experiencing reality with these strange fears which I am temperamental about exposing

- Here you have pin pointed for yourself a few very specific points which you experience in relation to the fear of being/not being liked by others.
I would suggest applying specific self-writing and self-forgiveness around these point.

What I have realized for myself is that fear of others is always fear of self, no matter how it is presented. I also faced this point extensively. I would always experience anxiety within myself whenever I was in conversation with someone who I believed didn’t like me or was judging me. Again, here I will share the mirroring technique which assisted me greatly with realizing what I was accepting and allowing within myself without the assistance of ‘they and them’.
Every point I project onto another person/situation, I simply delete the person/situation from my self-investigation and I imagine they/the situation is a mirror. Then when I look at the situation/person within analyzing a fear for instance, then I simply look at me. So the beings/situations are mirrors to myself.

So for example:
how I can talk and act in a way that will be most normal whilst also analysing to see if the other person has noticed anything unusual about me
Here you are looking mainly at self-judgment, which is one of the main patterns which is being accepted and played out within the point of ‘fear of not being liked’.
- The point/s you are facing within this statement is that you are looking at acting/being a certain way according to which you perceive to be ‘normal’, so that others don’t judge you or find fault with you. So by applying the mirroring technique, one is able to effectively support self to take it back to self.

Example of self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unusual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into acting/behaving a certain way when I am around others with the attempt of not being judged by them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realized that it is not them/they who are judging me, but that it is in fact my own self-judgment which I have suppressed, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself. (Here you can assist yourself with going deeper into the specific judgments by naming them specifically.)


So I would suggest testing out the ‘mirroring it back to self’ technique, as I am certain it will assist you greatly in the same way it has and is assisting me.



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Lindsay
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Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Lindsay » 25 Mar 2012, 20:15

Very cool, practical support Rozelle.

Thank you both for sharing!



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Nicholas
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Joined: 14 Dec 2011, 02:10

Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Nicholas » 27 Mar 2012, 03:59

sorry about the post it didnt make much sense
thanks for the support

do you talk as if you're talking to a mirror?



Marlen
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Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Marlen » 27 Mar 2012, 05:32

Hi Nicholas

What Rozelle is explaining is how we tend to project our own judgments onto others and believing that whatever we think they are perceiving ourselves like, is in fact so - when it is actually only us projecting our own self-judgment and then thinking that 'others' will see us/ perceive us that way. Thus the 'mirroring' point is simply taking all points back to self, wherein it is not about 'how others will judge you' but working with such judgments to realize that You are the one that has created them in the first place.

How we 'deal' with these type of points is always through writing out the points - like you did - and walking each statement through Self Forgiveness - just like Rozelle has placed out in her post in relation to the 'unusual' point.


So, let's walk the points here so that you're able to reference this for yourself in the future within your own writings:
I've experienced the fear of not being liked as a total possession. It started 5 months ago and has compounded.. Like when Im with someone who is not bothered by judging me, or someone who is secure enough within that even if they do judge me it doesn't effect me because I know that they still probably like me or are doing it with the intention of being genuine. Like if you went to speak with the 'wisest' man in the world on top of some mountain, he might judge you a bit but you could tell that he's happy either way.. What can throw me off balance or make me go silent is when people judge or dislike from a point of serioussness or indirectly.
Starting with how it has compounded, see that an experience can only compound through time as we go accepting and allowing backchat as self-judgment to accumulate without giving it direction. Meaning, this is you thinking, believing and perceiving yourself to be in a certain way - for example being awkward/ unusual while communicating with others. That's a point of self-judgment that you can work with and walk-through with Self Forgiveness. Thus see that because You have allowed that point of judgment, you then go into projection wherein you believe that people are judging you the same way that you have done with yourself, which is an assumption that must be stopped - and even if they would actually 'judge you' it wouldn't be really 'them judging you' but them exerting their own judgments onto others - so it's a cross-firing point so to speak, wherein our interactions when judging 'another' is always really only about ourselves, because it is what we/ I have accepted and allowed to exist and manifest within and as me = you are it.

Therefore see how you go into projecting what you believe others are experiencing toward you like 'them attempting to be genuine' or non-judgmental, etc. That is only created within your mind, just as any other judgment. Therefore the point is to not try and look at whether judgment exist or what are they actually thinking - it is about realizing that judgments are simply mind-creations that do not support self-expression = we are able to stop them as we have created them - that's the point of Self Responsibility here that you walk within realizing that it has all been your own projection/ assumption and creation in your own mind.

See how you accept and allow yourself to be affected depending on how you have also placed worth/ value in a different manner onto various people - or even attitudes depending on whether they are 'serious' or 'indirect' within their judgment, which is actually irrelevant. All judgment is simply a mind-creation that must be realized for what it is:our own creations that we exert onto others and that we must stop as it is only tampering our ability to communicate unconditionally. However, this is not about 'them' but walking your own judgments to see how you have accepted and allowed you to be 'thrown off' by judgments depending on 'who' is exerting such judgment - that's a point for you to see how you have created your own schemes of valuing people (superior/ inferior - more or less than, etc.) , which is precisely creating judgments.

How we function in this reality is that we then take the points personally and feel 'victimized' when being judged without realizing how it can only be an accepted and allowed self-created experience = you are the only one that can allow words to have any effect on you. Thus the importance of walking such specific judgments through self forgiveness. Within this, ask yourself:what are the exact judgments that I allow myself to be thrown off by? And you apply self forgiveness for such judgments which implies, you take self-responsibility for allowing such words to have an effect on you. And within recognizing that, you can support yourself to see why you are reacting to such words? And that's how you go writing yourself to freedom, getting to know yourself based on identifying all your reactions toward others while interacting. Communication is a very cool opportunity to face you, thus definitely suggest to walk the process of self-application in order to then see how you are able to interact by not participating within generating judgments toward yourself and others and also, stopping any reaction toward others' words which then leads you to go silent. See the actual thoughts that come up and write them down, walk them with self forgiveness.

Ive become possessed with the overall situation of communication. Leading up to and during Im thinking about how I can talk and act in a way that will be most normal whilst also analysing to see if the other person has noticed anything unusual about me. What I have found is that if my thoughts are circulating in this fear then it is difficult to connect. The thoughts as a starting point need to be clear or the words will carry the negativity and fear. And having an emotional attachment to people who I meet and speak with means that I have been striving to make connection instead of detaching myself emotionally and talking.
What requires to be 'clear' as a starting point is you, as you are the one that is conveying the words wherein it's to start getting to know and become aware of the words you speak. So - if the starting point is coming from you arleady wanting to 'connect' with others, it is already placing a condition to the point of communication, as you are already aiming at achieving something that is in essence already separation - as that will be a predisposition that you take into consideration, which certainly will tamper and create obstacles when communicating, because you are going into your mind in trying to see how to act and speak in a 'normal' way' while already fearing others' judgments upon you. When you walk self forgiveness on these points, you'll start realizing how you are the one that makes the entire point difficult by accepting and allowing all these thoughts to exist even before communicating - that's the backchat that you have to work with here.

See that we have a tendency to 'desire to connect' but within that, our starting point is not clear and already quite fucked, as we will then mold ourselves and limit ourselves within trying to 'sound' in a particular way or 'be liked' which is the fear here, which as Sunette has explained in her video, leads to self-limitation and eventually building up more judgment if we don't 'meet our ideal' - which is then how thoughts and ideas of 'having failed in communication' are created, wherein we believe that just because we didn't 'connect' the way that we 'expected' only in our mind, we are then 'not good at communicating' which is only a self-sabotage cycle just because of having place an already 'built' starting point when communicating with another, instead of walking communication in an unconditional way.

A point to look at and walk through self forgiveness is that is is not about judging what you think as positive and negative or having to 'detach yourself emotionally' as within those terms you are already creating further 'points of avoidance' for you that stand in polarity of your current experience. So, it is not to judge what you speak, it is about expressing you without judging your own expression by creating a starting point of communication as the ability to share yourself unconditionally. This means that you won't allow yourself to go into creating backchat about your own communication, but direct yourself in the moment, breathing through and stopping any thought that may come up as judgment while communicating. That's the practical support that comes once that you have walked all the fears, judgments and ideas of yourself within communication and within this desire to 'connect' through self forgiveness.

That way, you can direct yourself to change the starting point of communication from that desire to connect or even 'striving to connect' - to an actual sharing and unconditionally expressing yourself. You ask yourself what is it that you are in fact wanting to 'obtain' from such 'desire to connect' - and that will lead you to get to know the reasons that you've created toward communicating - and once that you get to see the starting point, self forgive it and take it through a process of self-correction wherein you can then establish yourself within practically communicating without judging your own expression.

If you have someone in your family that is experiencing some social fears would you judge them and criticise them indirectly through thoughts and messages to try to assist and support them? In many cases inadvertently yes, but it would be more effective to assist and support them consciously from a point of equality and then acting as a living example. When a blind person or a disabled person is raised in a family they will be able to experience life in the most abundant way when the people around them treat them as equal, allowing them to function to their potential with ease instead of creating circumstance where they are constantly functioning against an ignorant tide of doubt and negative association attributed to their innate disability. In society for the most part the latter of the scenarios exists pushing those down who are not socially adequate or who are appearing fake or not able yet to be themself because of fear. And allowing those who are most decieptful to rise to the top.

If someone is experiencing social fears, I would simply share how I have assisted and supported myself to stop such fears that are part of our inherent programming where we have all gone through experiencing our own judgments and projecting them onto 'others' which is what creates such 'social fear' - it is and has been only us judging ourselves, believing that such judgments is 'who we are' and within that, projecting such judgments onto others within our mind which is how we believe 'others perceive us' - when in fact, it has always been ourselves = we take self responsibility for our creation and make sure we stop all judgments. So, a blind person/ disabled person will not be experiencing their lives any differently to any other person that allows themselves to react upon judgments - this is always about what each one of us accepts and allows within ourselves. So it is not to even create a distinction to such beings, but treat everyone as equals - not only human beings but everything that is here.

So within that entire explanation, I would suggest to take the 'mirroring point' to see how you have projected judgment onto people as 'ignorant tide of doubt and negative association attributed to their innate disability' which is a self-created judgment in all ways. Remember:it's not about them or pointing out fingers onto others, this process is about you taking self responsibility for-you only - suggest to not try and change others or go into judging other's current application as that will only add up further obstacles that will prevent you from actually being able to communicate with people indistinctly - why? because of the judgments that we accept and allow to exist within us, that's how when we see and realize how society/ we function, we take self responsibility by ensuring that such judgment and dishonesty stops with and within us.

So why do we not translate the standard that exists 'ideally' within functional families over into society? Why do we treat people who are not our instant family any differently? It is because most of us (excluding the wise man on the mountain) carry these same fears within, a fear of being ourselves completely and instead keeping up the competitive charade or theatrical type performance and self deception that we are not all equal. It is also easier to continue this way because it prolongs the amount of time before people have to face self revelation. Its kind of like, if a child was lost or homeless on the street people would come to their aid. But if an adult is homeless or lost or psychologically challenged (including the 'sociopaths' who control the financial system) then they are usually just disregarded, rejected, judged, critiqued, criticised, ignored.
Yes, self interest as in 'protecting only those in your family, fears, and many other factors that stand within the principle of 'survival of the fittest' wherein because we live in a system wherein apparently 'not all can be granted with the benefit of having a dignified living condition' - there is an obvious fear of being 'left out' of that benefit, which is what ensues competition, rivalry, comparison and further judgments onto others, just because not everyone is equally supported within this entire world system - that's how the Equal Money System is a certain need that requires to be implemented in order to allow ourselves to see how we have been the ones that have created and imposed a system of separation, instead of creating a system of unconditional support.
For me, the fear of being liked has also come with this because if someone 'new' got to 'know' me then they would find out that I am experiencing reality with these strange fears which I am temperamental about exposing, so I am as guilty as anyone looking at self deception. To overcome this Im remaining sensible and not attempting to please.
More than 'guilty' which is yet another excuse and usual victimization point we use in order to not take self responsibility - the same with blame - rather look at how we have ALL participated within these defense mechanisms which come out of fears, self created judgments that turn into fears. That's how we work with each thought that we create within ourselves and project onto others as it is within doing that, that we can in fact make sure we become the living example of what stopping the accepted and allowed separation actually is. So - self forgiveness on the guilt and further blame onto 'others,' always taking the point back to self. And also realize that creating an experience out of having to 'expose' yourself is just an added layer of self judgment that is not necessary if you are already seeing/ realizing how it is only that: judgments, fears, self-beliefs that you are here to share in order to support yourself to stop them = no need to be temperamental or judgmental about it, that's the first point I suggest realizing so that the entire unfolding of writing out the backchat is then done within this basic realization and understanding:we are here to stop all judgments and expectations of ourselves in order to be able to work with 'what is here' in the moment when writing and being willing to walk the entire process to support yourself, which is applied in all cases, invariably so.

Thanks for sharing - and if something's not clear, let us know.



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Nicholas
Posts: 28
Joined: 14 Dec 2011, 02:10

Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Nicholas » 28 Mar 2012, 09:41

hi marlen thanks so much for your support
its really clear i liked reading. i shld start writing soon


thanks rozzelle
(i meant im sorry my post didn't make sense not your reply)



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barbara
Posts: 622
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:52

Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby barbara » 28 Mar 2012, 11:36

Thanks all for sharing! This is awesome support!



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Leila
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Location: South Africa
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Re: Fear of being liked / Fear of Not being liked

Postby Leila » 28 Mar 2012, 11:42

Cool support here!




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